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Ask HN: How do you care for a nerd who is grieving?

13 points by buttocks ↗ HN
A friend lost a close family member suddenly.

Maybe the answer to this question is, "the same way you would care for anyone who is grieving." But do you have any special tips for caring for a fellow nerd/hacker?

13 comments

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mattl
I'm going through something similar.

Help find them things to do. Especially right now where working from home is the norm, I can often not see anyone for days at a time.

PaulHoule
Don't expect a person who is grieving to grieve in a particular way, particularly in the U.S. culture. Some people might want to talk about it, other people might not. Some people might cry, some people might not. It's personal. Be there for them.
jimmyvalmer
The reacharound assist. Let him decide when to resume face-to-face.
octokatt
The grieved might not be up for talking or doing much. Parallel play, where you’re both just in the same room doing your own thing on a laptop, can be a low pressure way to let them know they’re not alone.

Likewise, if this has been an exhausting time for them, don’t just say “how can I help”. Saying “hey, I’m making lasagna, do you want me to bring you one” or “I rented a power washer for the whole day, want me to swing by in the afternoon and do your porch” is an easier decision that requires less executive function.

Besides that, encourage them by saying you’re doing something to celebrate the deceased’s life. Big funerals aren’t happening, so the passing of a loved one can feel surreal. Knowing someone else is acknowledging the liss can mean a lot.

bradknowles
My mom played a huge part in my life, both growing up and as an adult. When she died, I took it really hard. I was grieving for years.

The therapies suggested here are good ideas, and various people did various versions of these, and I think it did help somewhat.

But in the end, the thing that helped me the most was talking to the husband of one of my wife’s friends. He was older, and had more life experience than I did, and had recently had some of his own family who had recently passed away.

The biggest thing he did for me was to tell me that the pain never really goes away, not completely. That giant sucking cavern in your soul never goes away, at least not completely. But it can get better over time, if you let it. And that can be easier if you allow yourself to get back into what would be your normal life, and participate with your friends and family.

Kind of a “fake it til you make it” sort of thing, but where most everyone realizes that you might be faking it and that’s okay, but that you will recover.

My dad passed away a couple of years ago. As his only living direct relative, I had to be the one to make the call to remove his life support. That decision and process afterwards was made a lot easier for me, thanks in part to my recovery from when my mom passed away.

jwalton
Probably the best way to care for them is to ask how they want you to care for them. Everyone handles grief differently.

I went through this recently - for me I want to talk about it, over and over again. And I want hugs. And I found it helpful to have people check in on me from time to time to see how I was doing.

joshxyz
Just be around. Dont force an outcome. Just be around.
quickthrower2
That is just damn good advice for a lot of situations.
totalZero
I'd focus on the basic needs: hygiene, sleep, food. Those tend to be the canaries in the nerd depression mine, in my experience. Try to gently steer things in the right direction.
bigodbiel
Let them grief. All you can do is assist them on their daily chores as much as possible: cleaning, groceries, taking care of pets.
Cr0s
I unfortunately had a similar experience recently and a good answer I find is spending time with them or just being nearby. Even if it's just being online on discord and being up for a game while talking about random stuff, the presence of another person can help a lot. Hope this helps.
kerokerokero
I had a friend who was sorta a nerd.

One day I found out something really bad happened in his family and he wasn't himself.

So what I did was I tried to spend more time with him, invited him to more gatherings with other friends, and basically "dragged" him out of his house.

Over time he felt better because he had people to talk to, and he eventually perked up. Of course there were downtimes, but he was much better eventually.

Oh and this guy I knew loved Japanese porn as his fav site was https://avsanpuru.com (p/s: NSFW). So I just kept recommending popular videos and we bonded a lot more over that too lol.

Funny story but yeah. Glad he's all good now.