Ask HN: How to stop thinking about work and software engineering on the weekend?

The only stupid questions are the ones you don't ask.

I'm sure most people feel this way at some point but you just need to learn to deal with it in your own way. It's not the end of the world if your mind wanders whilst watching a movie but you should also accept that your brain needs time to organise itself and it may not always do this at your convenience.

There is a reason why people drink a lot at weekends - not that I am suggesting you do the same though.

It‘s good that you ask this question, enjoy that you have a pleasurable way to make money, and if you wanna read engineering books on the weekend, don‘t stress about it, just remember that life is a marathon!

What has worked for me is to find a distraction (video games), to go out on short trips, and to find another interest (like volunteering).

I'm curious what do you think you have to learn?

Obsession with "effectiveness" may be a sign of narcissism IMHO.

However, it may be that you just don't like your usual weekend activities. Try seeking a more rewarding and less passive kind of leisure.

I'd encourage you to dig a couple levels deeper.

Time is wasted when the value of what you're spending it on is less than the opportunity cost of what you could be spending it on [1]. What is the opportunity cost of you not learning more about software engineering?

In other words, what is the goal you're not working toward? And then, if you want to go deeper: why is that the goal?

Is it extrinsic? Do you want to get better at work so you can rise up in the company and get more money? Are you trying to gain the experience to someday start your own company?

Is it intrinsic? Is there a topic you're interested in learning about for its own sake? A side project you want to build?

In my leisure time, I prioritize intrinsic interests: hobbies or side projects that I find personally fulfilling. It might be that you still find yourself gravitating toward computer science or related fields — and that's okay! There's no rule that says your vocation and avocations need to be unrelated.

Of course, everyone is different, and you're free to pursue extrinsic interests in your leisure time too. Just try to keep perspective — in the end, the rat race doesn't matter, and you'll probably think back more fondly on time spent with meaningful people and activities.

Either way, keep in mind that burnout is very real, and you can indeed have too much of a good thing. Watching a movie with friends or playing a game with your family can make the hours you spend learning more effective!

[1] For example, writing a long comment on HN instead of finishing a song you've been writing ;)

Fill up your spare time with things you find more fun, fulfilling or meaningful than work. The problem will naturally solve itself if you have things to draw your attention and passion. The trap folks fall into, imo, is to not foster that outside of their careers and then that's all they end up having (their careers).

Some personality types find it hard to ever shut their brains off.

You say you have a dream job, but perhaps you are better suited to some kind of entrepreneurial activities.

At least if your mind is always active, your effort will be going purely to reward you.

One thing that might help is accepting the fact that you can never learn everything there is the learn. Human lifespans are finite and it’s just impossible to ever know everything. Focus on getting done what’s in front of you, and once in a while take a look at where you’d like to go and learn what you need to get there.

It will be liberating to accept that you have to let some (many) things just pass you by.

Take up combat sports. I do Brazilian Ju Jitsu which is awesome and pretty widely popular these days but it probably doesn’t matter which one you pick.

Having another human trying to attack and subdue you will be 100% effective in stopping you from thinking about software engineering, at least temporarily.

There’s really nothing that puts the triviality of modern life in perspective quite as effectively as directly experiencing actual violence.

In my 20s I had this mindset that I always needed to be learning a new tool or language.

After a decade plus of that, I found a tech stack that I liked enough to stick with long term. I didn't plan it that way, I just found one that made work enjoyable again and decided none of the technical improvements other tools might offer would outweigh the quality of life I'd found.

What I found after sticking with the same language and toolset for 5 years was that there was a new level of mastery I'd never known before.

I was writing code as fast as I could write English. I was spending up to 100% of my dev time on a given day working on purely the functionality in my project. Little to no time spent looking up how to do things.

Nobody deserves any shame for looking up info to help them code. We've accepted it's an important and reasonable part of the job. And it never bothered me.

But when I experienced for the first time that I'd truly memorized and internalized nearly everything about my day to day work, I found a surprising and unprecedented level of focus on what really mattered.

All those context switches throughout the day hopping between coding and figuring out how to do something, they'd become so normal to me and to the field that it didn't occur to me that they were not strictly necessary.

I could switch to a new language today and be fairly productive with it a week from now. It wouldn't feel weird to anyone that I was spending a lot of time looking up info to learn how best to work with it. Even experienced devs do that.

But what I understand now is the true cost of being on that treadmill to chase skills I think I'm supposed to have because they're newer and fit one of the subjective definitions of "better".

Feeling less pressure to spend my free time constantly upgrading my skills hadn't been a motivating factor, but it was a bonus. You still want to learn new things, but you should understand that much of what we're bombarded with are new ways to do things we already know how to do, in a supposedly better but really just different way.

Your first 10 years in this industry are mainly learning standards, patterns, and foundational information. After that ten years, everything just clicks. It's like one day the fabric that underpins most of your day to day becomes apparent.

With that said, in my 20s I crashed through many of these subjects. I did well enough, and now maybe I'm a bit young for my level, but there's not a ton to show for that. My advice, take your time and treat learning like a marathon. The big salaries and opportunities will always be there, and the stronger the relationship with that foundational fabric the more in grasp those opportunities will continue to be.

Fun thing is... Everybody always told me learning new things is my job, my logical conclusion was that I get paid for that... Turns out no they won't pay for that - so we'll fuck them, yes I will learn something on my own time, then find a new job where I get paid for this new skill and the skills I already have... Well I am now working freelance now and it's great, sure I had lots of exciaty in the beginning, but I choose who I work for, when and how I work and I set my price point... Another tip... If they don't try to pay you less, you where much to cheap and should double the price for similar work - you can always go lower, but not higher (and ignore what everybody says - the goal is not to work harder or longer, if that is what turns out to be - go back to a 9-5job... Goal is to work less and get more money, like I am only working 24hours a week for same/more pay). Getting an expert in everything is a fools errand

Easy have kids :)

I think you should do whatever you feel like, whether that's writing code or studying computer science at the weekend, or watching movies or going out in nature (try learning to identify birds!).

But if there are other people that you spend your life with at the weekend, then there's obviously a pretty good argument for doing something you'll enjoy doing together. (And obviously if there are not other people you spend your life with at the weekend, then there's probably an argument for addressing that at the cost of some time doing computer sciencey things.)

As a person, your value is intrinsic, not dependent on your output or ability. Work/school/capitalism/HN /etc. emphasize productivity, and you can invest in yourself and your output, but keep a broad view and remember to invest in others and their well-being. It’s far more important to be kind, humble, and loving than to be learned or impressive.

I went through a lot of what you’re going through and I realized something: I just really like what I do. To the point that reading technical articles in my spare time is not work to me. Learning new things is mentally very gratifying, even if that may never go into my resume.

I wouldn’t call myself a workaholic at all. Work can be stressful even if challenging. But if I had a billion dollars and didn’t have to work at all I’d still do the exact same things I do today.

I don’t think that’s really a problem. Does a surgeon not read technical articles on her free time? Does an NBA player not work on his game in the off-season? All of that is unpaid labor, but they just really want to get better at what they do because they feel good getting better.

If you feel that’s stressful then just check if you’re doing it for the right reasons. Personally I do it because I like it, not because it’ll pay off career-wise in the future. It never crossed my mind that one day I’d get paid more because of all the things I learned years ago: I just learned them at the time because I wanted to.

Hobbies like playing guitar, producing music, long dog walks, running, hiking, cooking, reading fiction; basically anything besides screen time does the trick for me.

Honestly programming and CS in general feels like one of the biggest addictions in my life. Often times I'd like to quit, but...

(if someone's got tips on that, I'm listening)

Personally, I enjoy all things computer science and I find learning new things, researching new ideas, or working on hard problems very enjoyable. When I want to take a break, I engage in activities that let me get into a flow state. It could playing a fact-action video game, or hard physical labor outdoors.

Something that helps me a lot in such situations is just wrtiting these thoughts down in a notebook to follow up later.

It's very calming to know that I won't forget this or that thing that I wanted to look up and I can get back to what I want to do instead right now.

I hate my job. I basically pretend it doesn't exist (unless I'm working that weekend or on call). I have plenty of chores and hobbies to keep me busy.

for me (ymmv), I found the happiest times in my life was when I loved my job and so thinking about it outside of "work hours" didn't bug me. Not that I had a hard time having fun and doing non work related things, going out, seeing friends, dancing, etc but it also didn't bother me to do tech related stuff, hobby coding, etc

Now I work at a job I really have no real interest in. I do it because it pays 2x to 6x what my old jobs paid (games). I dream and waffle about going back. Golden handcuffs. It's hard to make so much less and have so much less freedom (more vacation and more flex at my current job) . But, is well paid and lots of perks but uninspiring job better than low pay, less perks, but happy job?

I can't decide

I don't know. In high school and college I was pretty interested in doing random projects, learning frameworks, working on games, and it was great experience to build up to being where I needed to be for the professional world. Now I have a good job with those skills, which I use time on the job to keep up on, but otherwise for the rest of the day I find myself more interested in other things like going out on the ebike, working on an engine or similar thing with my friend, going shooting, or a few other things. Maybe you just need to find things like all that that feel more "productive" than a movie.

If you enjoy learning, and want to be doing it, by all means do. Remember that it doesn't have to be something you need for your day job, it could be something you just find interesting, and want to enrich yourself with.

I would worry less about whether your leisure time feels non-technical, and more about whether your leisure time feels disconnected from any obligations you may have or feel like you have, including your job.