Tell HN: A $40B company killed my 2yo son. Now they force me to keep silent
I'm writing this in great pain as I was not able to talk about it for a long time. My entire family were devastated. My mom passed away unable to accept the loss. My wife suffers PTSD. I stopped working so that I can go to the cemetery to stay with my son everyday. It's been almost two years.
They see our weakness not strong enough to go through litigation as it tortures us. They offered to settle through mediation with a laughable amount of money which I can earn in less than 4 years. And they want me to shut up so that they may do whatever they want to continue killing children in our neighborhood.
My family want to settle and avoid the additional suffering. I feel so weak. I want to protect them as much as possible but know in my heart I need to fight. I would never forgive me if one day another child gets killed and I could have avoided the tragedy if I choose to fight.
I need help.
What would you do if you were me?
133 comments
[ 4.1 ms ] story [ 159 ms ] threadYou need everyone steeled for combat, and ways to shelter those who can't handle it (without judgment). You need to develop a strategy, and it must encompass your entire clan.
A campaign is not fun. It takes years of blood, sweat and tears, and it's not even guaranteed. You need to decide what losses (yes you'll have them) you can handle, and which you can't.
But start with the family in a respectful way that honors how each member feels (including yourself) and what they can do. You'll get nowhere without their support. You need to listen to them, and they to you (but mostly you listening to them).
And if you can't get their support, then I'm sorry you'll have to let it go. Going in without it will tear your family apart.
Personally I would go with family as primary and prevention as secondary. That does not mean the other choices are in some way less, it just reflects my personal beliefs.
They want you to remain silent? That would be reason enough for me to drag them through the media.
The goal and likely result will be an impossible-to-sue conglomerate that replaces individual liability with corporate liability.
He should speak to a lawyer, his family and probably a therapist.
You need to consult with a lawyer to decide the way to go from here. He/she can tell you what your odds of winning are, and what the best strategy is. As someone not emotionally involved with the case, and having access to all the details, an impartial person is the best one to trust. I don't think you should see this case as revenge or closure for the death of your son, because you will be disappointed one way or another. You also don't have the personal responsibility to fix the failings of such a huge company.
Personally, the only advice I can give you is that the way you are living is unhealthy. It is an unimaginable tragedy what happened to you, but you have to somehow gather the strength to rebuild your life again. Your reaction is understandable. However, try to think of the way forward as much as possible. You are likely relatively young, and you have the possibility to start over. There is no way to change the past, only the future.
Also don't think of the money as the value of your son or the cost of your family suffering. Even if you got a billion dollars I think that thinking could still leave you feeling guilty for accepting it.
I'd consider taking a settlement and forgetting about that company as quickly as possible, and getting medical help for yourself and your wife to work on your mental injuries. See psychologists, grief counseling, find people or support groups who been through similar situations, etc. Your wife and family need you, and your son is going to be with you wherever you are so don't need to sit alone at the cemetery every day to be with him.
All that’s required for evil to flourish . . .
EDIT: My assumption is that they engaged a lawyer but if not that's obviously my advice #1.
OP, I'm sorry for your loss. Things like this takes everything from us. The only thing we can do is move on and contemplate. In my personal belief, that it is only possible through spirituality. The grief is expected and completely normal. Its a result of your love for your son. The ache will be there throughout your life. I would suggest (if your finances allow), to use the settlement money to do something good for other children on an annual basis (however small it is).
A civil case has nothing to do with his son. The purpose of the case would be to prevent OTHER children from dying.
Hey, this is quite concerning. The pain must be unimaginable. And the atmosphere around you (understandably) is also not in a position to help themselves, let alone help others. But, if you do read this, please, get help. Somehow, someway. There is always a solution.
This is a good first step. Seek for help like you sought help here, friend. Best of luck.
This is not about "fighting evil corp" nor getting involved in humanitarian aid. With this logic we should all stop what we are doing right now and help kids in poor countries or maybe send them to "a better place".
I'd rather give a chance to the community to fairly punish whoever violate rules written to prevent this from happening in the first place, and a lawyer will help.
Other advice is good here that was posted.
My tragedy is not even 1% the same as yours but I will share it to show how it was resolved
1. Lodge a formal complaint with company if you haven't already.
2. Speak to lawyers
3. Speak to local officials, councillors and senior politicians. These people represent you.
4. Threaten to go to papers or social media with your story.
5. At this point normally a big company will escalate to a specific team if you do step 4. To mitigate PR backlash
6. Reiterate your demands
7. Come to a resolution
I cannot imagine the pain you have to go through, having kids myself.
That being said, from a rational point of view, I think what you are looking for is closure.
I'm not sure if a multiple year long trial will bring you closure, but that's something you need to consider yourself.
I do know one person who lost his daughter due to a drunk driver. He took the funds, and founded an org to prevent these kind of situations and create awareness about it. He gives a lot of talks about it, and gets lots of coverage by the press.
My gut feeling tells me that - if I would ever be in a situation comparable to him - I would love to be as strong as he is. But, truth to be told, I'm not sure if I'd have enough stamina to follow through...
Sorry for your loss...
1. Let the lawyer fight your legal fight 2. Make sure the legal battle get publicity even if you settle with the company not admitting any guilt 3. Use the settlement money for your own betterment and however you deem beneficial to a cause personal to you.
I have some experience with this sort of fight, against something much larger than yourself that is doing some sort of wrong. My situation is nowhere near as tragic and sad as yours, you have my condolences I couldn’t even imagine being in your position.
My own fight is a mere speck of dust vs your fight.
However what I have learnt is that I perhaps took the wrong path.
You could take the path of moving on. No more fight. Life is so short. These giant organisations can eat up years of your life in court.
This alternative path, move on, build your family anew. Take the settlement. No amount of money can give you your years back, or repair your mental health.
Like literally millions of dollars cannot fix your family that is breaking apart. Your mental health cannot be healed with any amount of money.
Look at what you have now. Who is your family. They are real, alive, they matter, move on, it is so hard. But you need to move on.
Don’t let the system steal your years in endless battles. The thing your fighting is an uncaring machine. And you are burning your years away whilst the machine is effectively immortal.
If I could do it all over again I would not fight.
You ask: What would you do if you were me?
Be selfish, take the settlement, focus on what you have that is alive - your current family. Regrow and move on as much as you can.
Put the past behind you.
OP and his wife have been struggling with the loss of their son, a part of them, for years now. By now they must've heard this advice to move on many times; but it just doesn't feel right to the person experiencing the grief and pain. The people around them, and our community here on HN, needs to provide them with small, actionable steps, so that they can slowly work up from where they are right now, without sacrificing anything or values that they hold dear to their hearts. Asking them to let go is most likely going to be counter-productive.
I know that if I were as selfish as you advise that I’d have immense regrets when looking back on my life.
Yes, look after your interests, but don’t disregard the rest of society.
Jeff Bezos likes to optimise for regret minimisation, that's what he did when he decided to build Amazon. In your case:
- If I miss 4 years of salary over doing this, how much am going to regret it? I personally won't that much.
- If I change your mind about this after settling I can't do anything about it. That's going to be a huge regret for me.
Perhaps deep inside you know you should do this legal battle but you're getting resistance from your family. Just like ksternerud said - explain and discuss with your family the potential outcomes and regrets.
I am not a lawyer and don't really know any lawyer who can help. I haven't been through this, nor do I have kids.
https://www.habitsforwellbeing.com/the-regret-minimisation-f...
Speak to a lawyer. Speak to a therapist.
Good luck and a virtual hug from me.
Sounds like you already know what you want to do. If you need help, please see a professional therapist. It isn't weakness, it isn't for other people, it isn't weird. You've had some serious trauma. Your lawyer makes a bad therapist. Court systems make for bad therapy. HN comments will never be the answer to something so deeply personal.
I hope for the best for you and your family.
There also might be non-profits and communities that are dedicated to handling such cases that might have helpful resources.
Definitely talk to a lawyer, though.
A journalist is not in the business of helping you, they are in the business of writing what the person who signs their pay check wants. Keep that in mind. They will ask other parties to the story for their side of it. Journalists also spin, twist, omit, and sometimes even lie. All that is before the public makes their opinions about the story or reposts it on facebook. And even if you do get a favorable and sympathetic story, there will always be some people who don't take your side of it and will question it or even become quite unhinged about it especially if there are children involved. You need to think very hard about what you want to achieve before you go to a journalist, and possibly even engage a PR agency to advise you if this is part of a legal or lobbying strategy.
I urge you not to spend your life in litigation. You cannot litigate against future harm.
Take the money and move with your wife to a new place where you can write new stories. And like others have said: please make sure that you are meeting with a therapist.
You are loved. You are not alone.
Honestly? Get over it, move on with your life. Think of all the suffering that your son won’t experience due to this.
You want/need a good lawyer here (be careful—plenty will see $$). I always advise clients to make use of their network to get a good referral. Otherwise, it can be hard to penetrate the smoke and mirrors of legal marketing.
As much as I can be salty and cynical about my profession (I’m a lawyer, in case that’s not clear), this is what we’re trained for. You want a gladiator.
Feel free to ask any follow up questions, and I pray you can find some modicum of peace in the years to come.
Given how you have phrased the situation, I don't think you or your wife are in a place to take on battles. Please take care of yourself first, take care of your wife; tell her to take care of herself first, and then to care for you.
Take the advice of others here that makes sense to you. But give that your grief continues on after 2 years of losing your son, I would, if I were you, pick the suggestions (like that of @throwawaylinux) that help you resume normal life; it's definitely not going to be the same normal, but it would be better than how you feel now.
I have experienced personal losses, and it has taken me years to come to terms with my life as it is right now. I'm not fully recovered from those losses, but after a lot of recovery, I now consider myself to be extremely lucky to be healthy, and have a very happy family.
I am in the Bay Area. I can come talk to you, and see if I can be of any help as you navigate this tough part of your life. Please do not hesitate to send me an email gurjeet@singh.im, or share your phone number in email.
Lots of love, and wishing you lots of strength.
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Addendum: Of course, the culprits need to be brought to justice; be it the person who did it, the people who let it occur, or the emotionless company that continues its operations as if nothing happened.
But bringing them to justice doesn't have to come at a cost as big as your and your family's mental health. I'm sure you've spoken to lawyers, but if not, please get one. I'm sure there are lawyers who will not cost you anything money wise, and agree to be paid after the settlement. I have personally never dealt with lawyers, so I cannot suggest how to evaluate them; but look for lawyers/practices that treat you with utmost respect, and understand the pain you and your wife are in.
Not getting a legal representation, or just accepting the other party's offer, even if they manage to make it look large for you, will make you feel bad later on. For an auto accident I was in, I dragged my feet, because the money other party's insurance company was offering was not significant for me, and my symptoms were manageable. So when the Statue of Limitations was about to expire, I simply accepted their offer; never engaged an attorney. Now, years later , the symptoms are very hard to manage, and I wish I had engaged an attorney to represent me.
TLDR: Take care of your and your wife's mental well-being, then engage a good lawyer.