Me too. I got mentally ill in 2001 and got burned out. I found out the hard way when you are the best most efficient worker they assign you tasks that other people can't or won't do. The stress builds up from the extra work and burnout happens.
I am 53, I should be a manager or CEO by now, but I am disabled and out of work instead. Learning all over at home with new technologies and languages like Python and Dart/Flutter.
Some people your age are managers or CEOs but most people are not, and there's nothing wrong with that. If that is your goal, keep pushing towards it in spite of your issues, but you should also consider focusing less on career and more on just enjoying life.
Folks like you who are passionate and have an innate strong work ethic are worth their weight in gold, and need to be nurtured and protected from burnout by their managers and peers.
I've been on both sides of this equation. As a consultant with my own business I've done stints of 80+ hour work weeks, wrestled RSI and flirted with the edge of burnout. I've also managed teams with superstars sprinkled in who take on visceral ownership of a project, working to the goal not the clock and doing whatever needs to be done to achieve success. Some here will criticize that as an artifact of poor management / corporate culture, but in my experience different people have different priorities in life and some come with a very strong professional drive and crave the opportunity to outperform. There's an incredible multiplier effect that can raise the productivity of the whole team. But if they're underappreciated, taken for granted, or blindly loaded up with ever-increasing responsibilities as you described it's disastrous. I liken it to using a rare, hand-crafted sports car to haul manure then leaving it out in the rain to rust.
I've learned how crucial it is to stay keyed in to the pulse of your team. Communication is key (simple questions like "How's your workload?", and paying attention if someone who's usually cheerful seems agitated or irritable). At times I've had to force reports to take a few days off in between cycles to regenerate and make sure they stay fresh.
Have also spent some years volunteering in emergency services, and watching ordinary humans placed in high-pressure situations you gain an appreciation for mental health and not being cavalier about it.
I hope your activities playing with those new technologies you mentioned rekindles that spark of wonder which first led you into tech, and you land a career with an employer who knows how to take care of their people. Look forward not back, you've still got years of professional opportunity ahead of you if that's where your desires lay.
I think that pretty much everyone feels this when they reach a certain age and it doesn't really matter what you've accomplished. I think humans just have an innate desire to have more.
Yeah, I think it's just "moving the goalposts" or the "hedonistic treadmill" or "comparison is the thief of joy." When I turned 34, I made a list of (fairly attainable but significant) things that I wanted to accomplish before turning 35 last year. I mostly did those things, and I know that I objectively have more to my name than most of humanity at this age, and I'm in a better place than I imagined being at 20, 25, or 30... college degrees, seniority in my career, married, kids, 7-figure net worth, still healthy and fit... but it just doesn't feel like it. I mostly just notice the people who have accomplished more, or have a nicer house, or have more time to do what they want, or have a better family situation in some way.
So either the author has a midlife crisis or they genuinely hate where they are in life. TBH, since they have no family/commitment and sound like they dislike where they got in life - I'd say discard the image of yourself and start doing radical things moving forward, sounds like a no lose situation to me, worst case scenario you die doing something risky - but that always sounded better to me than surviving in a hole.
Just to note, this piece is in the humor section. Like most humor, it’s likely a constructed story based on real events or feelings. And also like most humor, it’s relatable. I think your advice to move forward is still relevant though.
I actually thought it was a serious article at first, as it resonated pretty strongly with me. Haha. But then I definitely got a satire feel from reading it.
True. My understanding is that comedy isn't really allowed here, unless maybe it is tech focused. This isn't some new phenomenon, this isn't tech focused, there isn't really any content in the article (not much to be gleaned from the satire even). It doesn't seem like it's something that's even interesting to hackers. There doesn't seem to be enough content to satisfy intellectual curiosity.
It's what we might call "self-observational humor" or poking fun at one's self. It came out a couple of years ago and I had a good chuckle when I read it.
The author seems to on the one hand have a lot of ambitions, but on the other a case of ADHD (or modern-day tech-caused attention deficit) where they end up hyperfocused down a rabbit hole on a regular basis. I have no answers for that, because even medication probably won't make people focus on their mid- to long-term goals. That said, being a New Yorker writer, theater troupe, and all the other things they mentioned, they're probably fairly successful in their life beyond the lofty goals they've set themselves. Which may not be their true calling actually, but more of a "this is what people I look up to have done".
This is an interesting description of ADHD. I've long wondered if I met the diagnosis. I have an incredibly difficult time knocking out small tasks, but very prone to hyperfocused rabbit holes. They're just generally rabbit holes about topics totally unrelated to me "real" responsibilites, job, etc.
Is that actually a part of adhd? Obv not asking for a diagnosis online, but curious about the phenomenon.
Not having a family sounds like a good thing for them. They mention neve having lived in Morroco. Since they're single, they could just drop everything and go do something like that. That wouldn't really be possible with a family.
It’s maybe not uncommon to have dissonance between enjoying an accomplishment versus enjoying or finding meaning doing the tasks that lead to the result/accomplishment. This is one very scatterbrained outlier of that dissonance.
I think a lot of older people really don't understand this, but our generation (late millennials, or at least middle-class late millennials) were genuinely fed the lie our whole life that we were special and could do anything.
At some point, you have to admit to yourself that you're just an ordinary human being and Elon Musk has something special that you don't have.
Only when you're in this mindset can you reason about your own limits, what you can achieve and discover that you're actually a pretty decent dishwasher technician.
Only relatively speaking. There are a whole lot of people grew up with a hell of a lot more "privilege" than Musk and who have accomplished far far less.
Of course. As someone who ticks most boxes on the privilege checklist I can witness first hand how much easier that has made my life compared to several of my friends and colleagues who ticked far fewer boxes. At the same time I've known people from even more privileged backgrounds than me completely fuck their lives.
So while coming from a 'privileged' background is important, and perhaps even necessary, in becoming the next Elon Musk, it is far from the determining factor.
As Bourdieu presents it, there are the economic, social and cultural capitals from your parents. I believe more and more that the social and cultural capitals can vary wildly even among seemingly privileged families. We can only gauge the economic capital from the outside after all.
I saw it firsthand where rich parents educated their children way too softly, which made their children unable to cope with challenges of real life.
Maybe Elon got the luck to be born in a family with very good capitals on all axes. It does not mean that he has no talent, just that his initialization may have been particularly good.
Pick one. There is a reason why low class kids are heavily underrepresented and high class privileged kids are highly overrepresented among VC-backed founders.
You must be at least 'this' privileged to succeed. However there are a lot of people that are at least that privileged and most don't "succeed" either. And among that cohort predicting their chance of success cannot be done by simply looking at their relative level of privilege.
Also I feel like you just moved the goal for success. Getting 1 round of VC funding for your startup and getting your startup into the Fortune 500 or two wildly different levels of success.
If we're defining success as "1 round of VC funding for your startup" then, yes, I will happily concede the 'privilege' plays a much larger role.
One could argue that Musk's achievements are nagative net sum to human race.
Better car? With all this money and influence personalities like that could shape for much better future - livable, walkable cities, public transport, social guarantees.
Private cars in private tunnels for the rich? Is this what we call "achievement"? "There will be no traffic jams in LA because I will be riging my car in private tunnel"?
Rocket's are super cool. Then again a lot of people would argue that instead of aiming for the Mars we should aim to fix Eath's problems - climate, pollution etc.
Depending on how you look, Musk is actually who accomplished far far less. Just made the world better for individualist rich men not much more. Growing up rich and just spending inherited money on expensive stuff might be better for the human race in the end.
>Private cars in private tunnels for the rich? Is this what we call "achievement"? "There will be no traffic jams in LA because I will be riging my car in private tunnel"?
It's kind of amusing how Elon Musk has to discover the car problem his own way. The tunnel is basically only lacking rails and an appropriately sized tram. Maybe he will catch on?
I read the comment above yours as implying the inherited wealth being one of the things that Musk has and most people don't. Might just be my own bias 'reading in'.
Every immigrant has starting capital, be it money or knowledge or courage. What you make out of it is totally uncertain. Do you know there used a time when he was a broke teenager, in a foreign individualist society, scrambling for cash to pay rent or take a shower?
Let's see what that Prince from England will do in the next five years in North America. He's got all it takes to succeed in a capitalist country. So, can we expect for him a much brighter financial success than Musk's? I have many doubts.
> you have to admit to yourself that you're just an ordinary human being
This sort of thinking comes from place when you see that to achieve anything ahead in your life you need different skill set than you got and also most of time influence over people. I myself am victim of this thinking, it seems rational but it is demotivating.
What I found comforting in this thought chain is there may be limited possibilities that really can happen for me but can I find the best one of them, if I could that would still make me a Elon for so many people around me.
Thank you for a good laugh. I feel exactly like that, although I work a cushy tech job instead of fixing dishwashers, I know I don't have what it takes to make the history books. Hell, not even a history blog.
>Elon Musk has something special that you don't have
I think this kind of determinism is not only wrong, but damaging, should you choose to believe it, especially when it's used as a failure coping mechanism, because then it ultimately leads to forfeit, which removes any chance you may have had.
>He is successful. Therefore, it must be the case that he is able to bend The Laws Of The Universe. It is certainly not the case that Good Fortune and social effects were the major factors in his success.
Even if it were true, I'm not sure why one would want to believe that. At least fool yourself into believing either: (1) you're also special, and success can also come to you through your own "specialness" (2) no one is special, and success comes from tenacity and luck. What do you lose from believing either of these two things?
> Elon Musk has something special that you don't have
I believe that there are many Elon Musks in the world but due to various circumstances (born in the wrong place at the wrong time, bad luck, terrible parents) they never get the chance to shine.
Personally, I’ve done some of my best work in my 40’s and 50’s. And so different to anything I was capable of doing in my 20’s and 30’s.
The funniest thing is that I chose not only my university degree but also my optional modules based on a career choice that I moved on from well before I was 30. I don’t generally do regrets, but older me would tell younger me to relax a bit. There’s plenty of time and lots of things to try. Be prepared to be surprised!
Yes. I'm 43 and I'm feeling that I'm only now just hitting my stride, career wise, with good idea what I'm actually good at, want to do and can contribute. 20-40 was basically floundering around, trying things, learning things and working out what I wanted to do when I 'grew up'. And looking back, I wouldn't want to have had it any other way.
For sure. When I was 15, I looked back on my 10-year old self as someone who didn't know anything but now I had learned a lot. When I was 20, I looked back on my 15-year old self as someone who knew nothing but now I was an adult. At 25, I looked at my 20-year old self in the same way. Repeat for the next few steps. I'm now 35, pretty happy with how it is going life- and career-wise and I look back on my 30-year old self as someone who was starting to get it but was still rather young and naive.
Today I feel like a proper adult who does adulty things and has life figured out reasonably well, but no doubt 40-year old me will think my current self was still pretty young and inexperienced.
On the other hand, now I am 32, and when I look at back at my 15-year old self, I just knew everything back then. I am only regressing since then in all ways
Maybe in feeling but certainly not literally. A 32 year old working in a field is going to know far more than their 15 year old counterpart. Of course you may be getting into the "I know that I know nothing" regime. While your 15 year old self subjectively thought they knew everything.
It's like the stopping problem or "secretary problem". When you have the time ( 20s, 30s) try as many different things as you can. In your 40s and 50s narrow and cash in. "cash in" doesn't have to mean literal cash but could be a metaphor for happiness or contentment.
Yeah but if older you had actually told younger you to relax a bit, would you be where you are now talking about how things are going well, or would you be like OP in the linked article? Sure it is true that opportunities usually never come from the places you are searching, but they don't come at all if you aren't searching.
For me, it was about stress. I never did and still have trouble enjoying good things in the moment, because I’m always thinking about the next thing and how I need to prepare for it. Even when it’s unnecessary…
Our younger selves would never listen to us now anyway, but I’d probably tell my younger self to meditate and be more positive. It’s free to have a positive attitude and it helps a ton.
I’m not sure about others, but I do think I’d be roughly in the same spot if I relaxed more. I’m skeptical how much doing that extra 1% effort really helped me get further when it cost me sleep or joy.
I can relate to this sentiment. I recently turned 40 and 2021 was the most successful year out of the 20 years of career in IT, and I feel that's just the beginning.
Oh hey, it's ADD/ADHD/laziness/whatever the fuck you want to call it. Goes great with (or causes) anxiety and depression.
"Daily humor", yeah very funny, haha. Except when you live it.
If you're thinking "well, that's normal for a lot of people", yeah so was unable to see without glasses or dying from a burst appendix, lack of insulin or just bad food. Some people have it mild and get by, but for some, it's hell on Earth.
More healthcare pros need to recognize it's a problem, recognize it's fixable and fix it.
As someone with ADHD - our society places a high value on being a “focused worker bee.” Individuals with ADHD do not fit this mold, even if they bring value with increased curiosity, inquisitiveness, and creativity.
I think ADHD is a genetic trait that was evolutionarily selected for, and individuals with it made effective explorers, inventors, and creators, providing substantial benefit to humanity. It is an explorer's gene, though society today finds little value in that.
It's so frustrating and incredibly heartbreaking because I think people with ADHD are 100% totally valid in their own right, as it is likely an adaptive trait [1, 2], and yet our society has abandoned them as disabled.
When I was a teenager, I saw the stories of exceptionally strange internet personalities like Chris Chan and Ulillillia, and felt a paranoia that I'd spend my life in my overprotective parents' basement. When I look at my life, I've accomplished so many things I never would have expected I could have. I'm still missing a handful of things my community members remind me they expect me to have, the biggest one being marriage. In spite of needing to slog through tiredness and bouts of ressentiment, I can see I've beaten the average trajectory, and I've beaten the trajectories some people have put me down by saying I'll end up on. I actually have a slight chance of doing one or two more things in life that mean a lot to me. I am grateful I've been lead out of the basement, spared from literal prison; not hospitalized nor shut into an asylum (though some dear readers may think I belong there ;P). The world's a disturbing place, but I'm on a road to freedom and joy.
The problem with many people today, is that their only measure of success is whether they are a success in the eyes of others, often strangers or people they don't even care about.
Find out what you really want, don't care what others think. This way it's much more realistic to have success, and you will probably also be much happier. I don't think many would want to be a CEO if they didn't care what others think.
This plagued me for a long time. It felt like the only way to validate my value is based on what someone else said about it. However, what really happened was that relationships are fleeting, attention from others tends to be weak and a lot of the time, no one really does care. Also, I overemphasized process, that certain things must be done in a certain way for them to have a certain truth to it. It is and was crippling.
One thing that changed for me last year was that I finally got the passion to get through that list of random topics I wanted to get through without the pretense of trying to prove anything to anyone. It really did work, even though the feeling towards those pretenses still linger a bit.
Here on HN, there was once something that stuck along with me, on an article about how people found success in one-person companies. One said that he did what he needed to do and then just find what could be sold from that. It's a simple statement, but what it says lacks that pretense of finding the truth in something, like finding success in other people or even unattainable quality of work.
>The problem with many people today, is that their only measure of success is whether they are a success in the eyes of others, often strangers or people they don't even care about.
I think the real problem is the pool of people they can compare themselves to is so much larger. No matter what your interests, vocation or career it's easy to find someone on social media who appears to be an order of magnitude better than you are.
I really only stopped caring what people thought after I got divorced (I was 43 at the time). Before that, it was 'the big house', 'the bmw', 'running the cool business'.. ostensibly, showing off to everyone else how impressive I could be (I wasn't). I felt like a fraud because I hated what I was doing. Others still had more money, a bigger house, and a cooler car. It was an arms race and I was losing. But when all of that was stripped away after the divorce, it was again, just me.. along with my three young kids in my two bedroom apartment. I realized that all of that was stupid, and really didn't contribute anything to who I really was. I was forced to do only what was absolutely necessary.. to stop being selfish and focus on my kids and rebuilding my life. Although I was struggling, it was liberating. Now I could regain what I lost: money, sure..I was always pretty good at my job, but mostly my humility. I didn't come from much, which I used to wear as a badge of honor when I was younger. Losing a lot of 'stuff' made stop caring about where I lived, or what I drove. I could just simply 'focus' on what I personally felt was important, not someone else's arbitrary standard. Now I drive around my neighborhood (in my 12 year old honda) looking at all the late 30-40 year olds racing inexorably towards their collective mid-life crises, doing their home improvements, driving their Teslas that they can't afford, berating their kids because they're not impeccably perfect in every way and I think to myself : 'yeah, I know.. it's coming for you too'..
Your comment is packed with wise advice. Once you lose too much and you must rebuild one's life, there is a fascinating perspective shift that happens auto-magically. For you, it was going through divorce. Mine was becoming refugee. Still, we all came out on the other life with similar lessons. Glad that you shared your experience. My best wishes to you cmollis.
This is what I would consider a significant measure of success - people wanting to talk to you (assuming they're actual messages, and not robocall spam). Whether they're from friends who want to chat, contacts who want to work with you, or just random updates about interesting things that for some reason someone thinks you should know about, having people out there think about you enough to fire up the dialler on their phone and try to reach you is pretty cool. There are so many other things they could be thinking about.
The beginning of the article mentions a few examples of distractions. So much of the modern web is developed by people who've made a scientific study out of gaming your emotions and vying for your attention.
Focus is a priceless resource.
When I need to put my head down and concentrate, I try to shut off distractions. Like many developers I know, sometimes it means I gravitate to working late at night when the rest of the world leaves me alone.
> So much of the modern web is developed by people who've made a scientific study out of gaming your emotions and vying for your attention.
I just figured it was an evolutionary (sort of Darwinian) march to where we are now. Throw enough stuff at the wall and you'll quickly find what sticks.
But to be sure, when I saw I was wasting away flipping through the 100 or so cable TV channels (around about the year 1999 or so) I cut the cord.
Of course, the web was not nearly as intoxicating then. I have the new cord around my neck now.
There's something cross cultural here that just doesn't cross. I can't relate. I'm responsible for me - my success, my failures. I also sure as hell better check on my neighbour and lend a hand.
Fulfilment comes from within, not externally. Results driven fulfilment comes from the gradual achievement of small goals, slowly combining into larger goals. They can be as small, as simple as reading a book.
The best advice I was ever given was 'finish what you start'. Rather than skim articles in newspapers, I forced myself to read (awful) articles from the beginning to end. Eventually that morphed, and I now make choices on when to skim, what to leave behind - what's a sunk cost fallacy and what isn't. But the point was to break the pattern, to achieve small things, and build on them.
I take the same approach with my kids. Get a win, then get another win.
I am 26 and this is has been the hardest thing for me to come to terms with over the past few years.
I thought I'd be happier with a high paying job. So I got a job that pays at the 99.9th percentile for my age. Didn't really make me happier. Then I thought my unhappiness was because of my weight. So I lost 90lbs. Hardest thing I've ever done. But it didn't make me happy. Today a voice in my head is telling me "you'll be happier if you get muscular," "you'll be happier if you get in a relationship." I plan to do all of those things, but I realize they probably won't make me happy.
What has helped somewhat with fulfillment was placing a fundamentally greater value on myself. Reflecting on my accomplishments has made this a bit easier. And I do value myself a lot more today than I did two years ago - my confidence is higher, even if not as high I hoped it would be...
I can't help but feel a bit lost. My accomplishments did not provide me the concrete, grounding, pervading feeling of achievement I hoped they would find. I wasn't happy after them. Instead, there was... nothing, and now I feel like I'm kind of just floating without direction when it comes to "finding happiness."
I believe you mistook the path for the goal, or the future for the now, if you want.
Exercise will make you happy, but only while you're doing it. Getting a raise will make you happy, but only for a short time period after that raise. "Having" a relationship won't make you that happy, but the process of building the relationship is highly enjoyable.
The key to happiness is to do those things that make you happy while you do them. Sacrificing your personal now for a better future is one of those church ideals that always struck me as weird. That said, if you work on making the planet better, that work will probably also make you happy as long as you keep doing it. But the "better planet" itself is too abstract to make you happy long-term.
< Exercise will make you happy, but only while you're doing it. Getting a raise will make you happy, but only for a short time period after that raise. "Having" a relationship won't make you that happy, but the process of building the relationship is highly enjoyable.
Hey, thank you for crystallising such a fundamental and valuable piece of wisdom so neatly.
> Sacrificing your personal now for a better future is one of those church ideals that always struck me as weird.
I think in certain ways they're valid, but more for creating circumstances that will allow you to do fulfilling things in the future. Taking care of your body now to avoid health issues in the future, saving now so you don't have to worry about money in the future.
I guess a common baseline requirement for happiness is a sense of freedom. A healthy body gives you freedom to move (move in the broadest sense of the word, meaning also mobility, being able to pick something up from the floor without too many aches and pains), some financial backing means you're not constantly worrying about where your next meal comes from, so you're free to think about other things.
I mean... it didn't make you happier, but it's better to be unhappy and rich than unhappy and poor, or obese, or physically weak. Single / in a relationship can be hit and miss though; it could work, but it might make things worse. Don't settle for anyone / anything.
That said, having a relationship helped me out of my funk, which was not dissimilar to yours. I - and my girlfriend - are now more content with mediocrity.
1. Maybe steady-state “feeling happiness” isn’t a good goal? Like, so what if you “feel happy?” If that’s all you want, opiates are widely available.
Maybe a better set of goals would be “peak satisfaction” combined with tangible external outcomes that you consider worthwhile.
2. The accomplishments you have listed are mostly about yourself. They feel empty now because you have basically got yourself under control.
What can you improve in the world outside yourself? Can you improve the company where you work? Or your family in some tangible way?
I’ll give you one small example:
My cousin and his wife had failed two expensive rounds of IVF already, and they are comfortable but not in high paying jobs. They were struggling to afford another round. They had asked the family for help with a go fund me but didn’t come close to what was needed.
I had just gotten a bonus, and the total amount needed (several $K) was an amount I could well afford so I just sent it to them. I didn’t make it a big deal, and made sure they understood they owe me nothing.
To this day, I get a warm glow of satisfaction when I see my niece or they send pictures.
Way more than what I get from checking my bank account or reflecting on other “self” accomplishments.
The pursuit of happiness specifically is pointless, and vague. What you need is meaning. Meaningful pursuit is something that you truly, deeply believe in doing because it will make the world better, both for you, and everyone in it.
Highly recommend checking out the Wheel of Life[1], to help you understand the different areas that contribute to happiness, it's never just one thing. Writing down what you think will get an area to a 10, envisioning it, then seeing if you feel that would feel like a 10 is a great way to uncover where you may be overthinking what gets you there before doing all that work.
Gratitude should also help with each area that you feel is fulfilled, otherwise you just never have enough
"I'm responsible for me - my success, my failures... Fulfilment comes from within, not externally."
What's external and what's internal?
Where do your desires come from? Your hopes?
Some people think they are the masters of their mind, that what they feel come from them, but what about the influence of their parents, their friends, the movies they watch, the books they read, advertising, music, social media?
We swim in a cultural ocean where things that seem on the inside might have actually come from the outside.
That's if there's even an actual distinction between inside and outside in the first place.
"Get a win, then get another win."
Is winning the point? What if someone doesn't care about winning?
My thoughts exactly. I just told people I had a major win this week by getting a buddy of mine who started as an intern at my last job a full-time software engineer position at my current company (big pay jump & next step in his career + he's extremely talented and will be a huge asset for us). If our friend here takes the same approach with their kids, one I think can infer they're including cases like this.
>What's external and what's internal? Where do your desires come from? Your hopes? Some people think they are the masters of their mind, that what they feel come from them, but what about the influence of their parents, their friends, the movies they watch, the books they read, advertising, music, social media?
How about thinking about it with common sense, as opposed to trying to find some perfect rational answer that squares the circle?
There will always be external influences, but we still call most of them "internal" if they gently shaped who we are, as opposed to us chasing after them like junkies and getting overwhelmed by propaganda (ads, unattenable images of success/body/status in the media, unhealthy peer pressure, and so on), or beating us to submission to them (e.g. like parents insisting on instilling their own youthful dreams or desires of becoming X or Y to a kid).
Especially if we mostly care for the trappings (being Elon Musk rich, and having Elon Musk lifestyle), and not the process (making stuff).
Thoughts think themselves, you are an empty vessel and they arrive in your mind by magic, and you have no real idea where they come from. All you do is react to them in one way or the other
"within" means values which you can hold against those of your immediate local environment; "external" means being driven by your immediate local environment.
As in, if you chase situations in which your local environment is full of applause, then you're only going to be satisfied when you're in those environments. If you chase situations in which you are, eg., finish some project in some area of interest, then you can be satisfied with "resources more your own".
> 1. Some things are in our control and others not. Things in our control are opinion, pursuit, desire, aversion, and, in a word, whatever are our own actions. Things not in our control are body, property, reputation, command, and, in one word, whatever are not our own actions.
Does it matter where our desires and hope come from at the very beginning ?
We have thousands of divergent influences pushing us everyday.
The ones we choose to go with come from within, they come from you, probably ingrained and influenced by your environment, but the only thing that matters is that you take them as yours.
Regarding "Is winning the point? What if someone doesn't care about winning? ", winning here has a wider meaning than the small 'winning a game' meaning, it means succeed at what you set yourself to.
You're of course free not to set goals to your own life, but doing so has long been found to be one of the best way to find happiness and meaning (it's the conclusion for Candid of Voltaire for example, but there's much more). If you're interested in the matter, I can recommend "Man's search for meaning" from Viktor Frankl
Are people's desires and aversions really something they can control? The thought feels alien to me. It's very difficult for me to even tell what I really want, let alone intentionally channel effort towards achieving any such thing.
The largest obstacles I face when it comes to achieving things is really that the things I want to do and the things I feel motivated to do are very rarely the same. Often I am extremely motivated to do things that I really don't want to be doing; I can spend hours fixated on something irrelevant and afterwards feel exhausted and annoyed because I really would rather have done something else, but my brain disagreed.
I'm in my 50s and I like to think I've had a reasonable career so far.
However, by far the most fulfilling thing I've done for a long long time is helping out in a foodbank in a nearby town.
So my biggest regret at the moment is actually realising that, at least for me, helping other people actually can be rather more fulfilling than achieving purely personal goals - I wish I'd realised this sooner.
I guess that's one advantage of age - the lure of shiny things has long since worn off for me. And I've been fond of expensive cars, watches, cameras, ski gear etc. as anyone...
Yup. I am a sober alcoholic and the most meaningful experience in my life—by a country mile—is sponsoring another alcoholic young man and watching him transform into a responsible, capable adult.
It's true that sometimes we find something fulfilling late in life. But we should also factor that our mind (and thus perspective) biologically change as we age. So what you find fulfilling now at 50 may not be something you may have enjoyed in your 20's or 30's. I remember as a teenager I used to consider kids below 10 dumb pain-in-the-asses. Today, as an adult, I mostly enjoy interacting with them and find their perspective and curiosity really interesting.
I also like that approach, but I get sidetracked. For example I have to wait for a CI build to finish, or for the compiler.. then I come here.. and write comments..
I worked on a lab, wait times < 1 minute were the worst, too long to actively wait, too little to go do something else. Now back in dev work it's even worse, because there's too many opportunities where you 'think' you can bridge that time, but you get lost way too easily.
What somewhat worked for me was time tracking based on my screen's focus (I use Timing for Mac, timingapp.com, no affiliation whatsoever). If anything it makes me aware, but since I use it for billing my hours, there's an incentive to minimise it to keep the day (at least somewhat) short.
Today's for working on my own stuff, so no tracking, hence me falling for the same traps again, and writing this comment. Probably should do it on a day like today as well.
I think I need to take up this practice.
I've largely given up multitasking and this seems like a good next step on the way to healthier life and higher productivity.
I take it this writer would agree with that. It sounds to me like he can’t figure out why he can’t just do that in his own life.
I also cannot relate. My parents drilled into us the ideas of discipline, hard work and an absolute refusal to quit. I’m not super successful. I’m not a CEO. But I’ve accomplished more in my life so far than I thought I would.
My disillusionment is not on a personal level, but rather, on a societal level. I thought that I would become successful enough to, well, make a lot of differences in how the society works. Now being an actual part of the society, I don't see how I could accomplish any of my childhood ambitions. Even if I'm 20x richer, with a much higher social status, they are beyond me.
I suppose that the younger version of me have gone too far in pride, and too little in understanding. Which I've made peace with. But a lingering consequence is that I really don't know what to aim for anymore, not inspired by any visions, not particularly excitable. From a day-to-day point of view, I settle for being helpful to my fellow human beings. On a grand scale, though, I'm quite lost.
Yeah, not much you can do on a grand scale unless you devote you career/life to it I guess. Due to recent events/war I wanted to do something, not sure what, as I realized I’ve been focused on my own little life for too long. Except I see there’s not much I can do, as you said, except talking with family and friends. It feels like the boat is slowly sinking, nobody really cares, and there’s nothing I can do about it.
A small note - This podcast with Amanda Litman of "Run For Something" was inspiring for me. I know you aspired to make big change. But I wonder if running for a local political office would help scratch that itch? Those roles have direct impact on the lives of your neighbors, and don't have to be full-time gigs. There's whole orgs that provide resources to help make it happen.
I was expecting to resonate more with this article, but found that the writer really hadn't been doing much.
I often complain to my girlfriend that I've got nothing done, and then she asks what I've done... and it turns out I've actually done a lot. I'm currently splitting my days between regular contract work producing videos (first two hours of the day, 7am-9am), and then after a short break I spend the rest of the day (until 6pm, with an hour for lunch) working on my house extension. Today I'll be doing more of the roof (weather permitting), or putting in central heating pipes.
Then, after dinner, I'll be working on YouTube content.
But still, I've done nothing, in my mind... because I expected to have the extension finished by now (I'm 9 months in, and about 6 months behind, mostly due to external delays).
I'm 50. I did expect to be much more successful than I am - I'm not in the slightest, financially. I never expected to be a millionaire, but I'm below average earnings in the UK. But I'm (mostly) happy, and I think that's what matters. I hope so, anyway!
If you can DIY things that would cost someone else tens of thousands of £s/$s then imagine how much you'd need to earn to get that money after tax, and then add that total amount to your salary. That's the equivalent of what you're earning.
One reason why I don't like using salary as a comparison is it doesn't reflect people's life circumstances, except at the extremes. It's just easy to measure.
To me, it sounds like the author tried to be everything to everyone. That's a recipe for disaster.
If I had to give advice to my younger self now, I'd probably go with:
1. Celebrate your science reading habit, instead of awkwardly apologizing that you like mathematics. 1 paper a week might seem like it'll get you nowhere, but in 20 years, that compounds to in-depth knowledge of the field. It'll pay off, but on a time scale you and your peers don't understand yet.
2. Don't compare to Gates, Zuckerberg, or Elon. The 1st had resources you'll never have because of his rich parents. The 2nd is now universally hated as a sicko psychopath whose products drive teens into suicide. The 3rd can't seem to keep a stable enough relationship to have a family. You'd hate being in their shoes.
3. Get more comfortable saying no. People are going to ask you for favors all the time, but your time is very limited. Only help friends or those where you predict they'll reciprocate. Make people get their own hands dirty first, it'll help them learn. Stay away from "energy vampires" who ask for your help for everything but won't help you back.
Our amazing global technology allows us to compare ourselves with almost every other human being. We spot someone who’s a better programmer, another who’s a better athlete, another with a bigger family… and soon we start to feel inadequate across a multitude of dimensions which all start to flatten into a single dimension of worthiness.
No. 1 can be solved by adopting a conservative life style, ideally two "steps" below what your current income would permit you.
2. and 3. are totally independent from each other, both are made easier by No. 1 so.
Just a general advice, if I may dare, stop putting those things in order, relax and let some things in live just happen. And enjoy the journey as much as possible.
Obviously, that advice only works if you are living in a stable environment. If you don't priorities are going to be topped by, worst case, living to see the next day.
That's unreasonable expectations for most, to be honest. I don't know if it's just because it's the HN bubble where everyone seems to be a USD millionaire and run their own successful startups, or if it's a general thing enabled by modern media trends (or something else entirely).
Regardless, it's perfectly possible to succeed at having a happy and fulfilling life without being financially independent. #2 can be achieved if one moves out of the more attractive areas where housing is often far cheaper than in the more hip areas. It may have consequences like an increased commute, or a lower salary, but again, having enough money to never having work isn't going to happen for most of us.
I don't know where do you live but it's definitely not necessary to own a home for having a family. Assuming you are a male, just having a stable job and actually wanting to have a family gives you a great chance of success with many, many women.
Also mid 30s is so young, you still have at least a decade to find a significant other and build a family if that's what you want.
I had a conversation with co-workers once. The question is: Do we really want to do what our engineering manager does? I thought maybe I would want to, but as an engineering manager, he has the gravitas and attitude to do that work. I would think that I would have to do that and have been slowly gravitating towards that, but that was never my original motivation into getting into software development. Though, I think the fact that I don't have that position right now is a testament of how rather successful I am of what I originally wanted.
When I was in my 30s, I felt like some colleagues had a bit more luck even for what they wanted to do: joining the right company, getting to work on the right projects. Maybe they slid into them or maybe they struggled to get the best projects. The fact is that I don't know. I never asked but it doesn't matter because I think that very few things from people are insightful enough anyway.
I found my zen when I was told that, "always know you are the best". No matter what, you are better than everyone by some metric.
I also figured out quite recently that, never compare yourself to anyone because there is always going to be someone far better than you. Far luckier than you.
I was binge watching a YouTube channel called "Geoguesser". Self explanatory. I was mesmerized by how skilled he was. Even if he was thrown into a literal no where, he was fairly accurate in his guess.
Then I watched him compete with other people. He is good but he was no where as good as the other competitors. My reality was shattered. He is not a miracle but he was just skilled at a niche, that's all. There are better guessers but they were not miracles either they were more skilled AND more lucky.
So the pursuit of skills and ambition never stops. It is not a thirst, it is greed. So stop comparing, embrace the mediocrity and convince yourself you are better. Start by finding the small things that makes you better than most.
Not sure I understand - it seems to me that your first two paragraphs contradict each other (and the second (pessimistic) one is correct, not the first).
I don't have this problem. I feel like I've achieved loads. I just don't see the point of any of it and it doesn't make me happy. I've spent my life working hard and now I can look forward to my body and mind deteriorating in a world with not a soul who cares about me.
It could be worse, for example, you could be thinking those very same thoughts at an even younger age, before you even accomplished the things you set out to do.
I managed to read the first two paragraphs before being quite certain the rest would be a waste of time.
As far as I can tell (not a psychiatrist), this individual is suffering from mental illness and could benefit greatly from cognitive behavioural therapy.
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[ 3.5 ms ] story [ 348 ms ] threadI am 53, I should be a manager or CEO by now, but I am disabled and out of work instead. Learning all over at home with new technologies and languages like Python and Dart/Flutter.
Some people your age are managers or CEOs but most people are not, and there's nothing wrong with that. If that is your goal, keep pushing towards it in spite of your issues, but you should also consider focusing less on career and more on just enjoying life.
Folks like you who are passionate and have an innate strong work ethic are worth their weight in gold, and need to be nurtured and protected from burnout by their managers and peers.
I've been on both sides of this equation. As a consultant with my own business I've done stints of 80+ hour work weeks, wrestled RSI and flirted with the edge of burnout. I've also managed teams with superstars sprinkled in who take on visceral ownership of a project, working to the goal not the clock and doing whatever needs to be done to achieve success. Some here will criticize that as an artifact of poor management / corporate culture, but in my experience different people have different priorities in life and some come with a very strong professional drive and crave the opportunity to outperform. There's an incredible multiplier effect that can raise the productivity of the whole team. But if they're underappreciated, taken for granted, or blindly loaded up with ever-increasing responsibilities as you described it's disastrous. I liken it to using a rare, hand-crafted sports car to haul manure then leaving it out in the rain to rust.
I've learned how crucial it is to stay keyed in to the pulse of your team. Communication is key (simple questions like "How's your workload?", and paying attention if someone who's usually cheerful seems agitated or irritable). At times I've had to force reports to take a few days off in between cycles to regenerate and make sure they stay fresh.
Have also spent some years volunteering in emergency services, and watching ordinary humans placed in high-pressure situations you gain an appreciation for mental health and not being cavalier about it.
I hope your activities playing with those new technologies you mentioned rekindles that spark of wonder which first led you into tech, and you land a career with an employer who knows how to take care of their people. Look forward not back, you've still got years of professional opportunity ahead of you if that's where your desires lay.
Is that actually a part of adhd? Obv not asking for a diagnosis online, but curious about the phenomenon.
I think a lot of older people really don't understand this, but our generation (late millennials, or at least middle-class late millennials) were genuinely fed the lie our whole life that we were special and could do anything.
At some point, you have to admit to yourself that you're just an ordinary human being and Elon Musk has something special that you don't have.
Only when you're in this mindset can you reason about your own limits, what you can achieve and discover that you're actually a pretty decent dishwasher technician.
I don't think it's an appropriate or useful point of comaprison.
Only relatively speaking. There are a whole lot of people grew up with a hell of a lot more "privilege" than Musk and who have accomplished far far less.
So while coming from a 'privileged' background is important, and perhaps even necessary, in becoming the next Elon Musk, it is far from the determining factor.
> is far from the determining factor.
Pick one. There is a reason why low class kids are heavily underrepresented and high class privileged kids are highly overrepresented among VC-backed founders.
Also I feel like you just moved the goal for success. Getting 1 round of VC funding for your startup and getting your startup into the Fortune 500 or two wildly different levels of success.
If we're defining success as "1 round of VC funding for your startup" then, yes, I will happily concede the 'privilege' plays a much larger role.
Better car? With all this money and influence personalities like that could shape for much better future - livable, walkable cities, public transport, social guarantees.
Private cars in private tunnels for the rich? Is this what we call "achievement"? "There will be no traffic jams in LA because I will be riging my car in private tunnel"?
Rocket's are super cool. Then again a lot of people would argue that instead of aiming for the Mars we should aim to fix Eath's problems - climate, pollution etc.
Depending on how you look, Musk is actually who accomplished far far less. Just made the world better for individualist rich men not much more. Growing up rich and just spending inherited money on expensive stuff might be better for the human race in the end.
https://www.reddit.com/r/BoringCompany/comments/rxduxn/elon_...
It's kind of amusing how Elon Musk has to discover the car problem his own way. The tunnel is basically only lacking rails and an appropriately sized tram. Maybe he will catch on?
OP's point is that it's not solely up to you to just "do anything".
So do millions of people. The vast majority end up doing absolutely nothing of interest or value with it.
You need to be smart enough to check the winning numbers, but that's far from enough to win.
I know I couldn’t.
Let's see what that Prince from England will do in the next five years in North America. He's got all it takes to succeed in a capitalist country. So, can we expect for him a much brighter financial success than Musk's? I have many doubts.
This sort of thinking comes from place when you see that to achieve anything ahead in your life you need different skill set than you got and also most of time influence over people. I myself am victim of this thinking, it seems rational but it is demotivating.
What I found comforting in this thought chain is there may be limited possibilities that really can happen for me but can I find the best one of them, if I could that would still make me a Elon for so many people around me.
I think this kind of determinism is not only wrong, but damaging, should you choose to believe it, especially when it's used as a failure coping mechanism, because then it ultimately leads to forfeit, which removes any chance you may have had.
>He is successful. Therefore, it must be the case that he is able to bend The Laws Of The Universe. It is certainly not the case that Good Fortune and social effects were the major factors in his success.
Even if it were true, I'm not sure why one would want to believe that. At least fool yourself into believing either: (1) you're also special, and success can also come to you through your own "specialness" (2) no one is special, and success comes from tenacity and luck. What do you lose from believing either of these two things?
Yeah, and I don't want it. Even he admitted it's not good being himself.
I believe that there are many Elon Musks in the world but due to various circumstances (born in the wrong place at the wrong time, bad luck, terrible parents) they never get the chance to shine.
The funniest thing is that I chose not only my university degree but also my optional modules based on a career choice that I moved on from well before I was 30. I don’t generally do regrets, but older me would tell younger me to relax a bit. There’s plenty of time and lots of things to try. Be prepared to be surprised!
Reading this makes me feel better about my current trajectory. Mid 40s male.
Me now (35) would love to tell that to me (15), too. All the grey hairs for nothing.
Today I feel like a proper adult who does adulty things and has life figured out reasonably well, but no doubt 40-year old me will think my current self was still pretty young and inexperienced.
Our younger selves would never listen to us now anyway, but I’d probably tell my younger self to meditate and be more positive. It’s free to have a positive attitude and it helps a ton.
I’m not sure about others, but I do think I’d be roughly in the same spot if I relaxed more. I’m skeptical how much doing that extra 1% effort really helped me get further when it cost me sleep or joy.
"Daily humor", yeah very funny, haha. Except when you live it.
If you're thinking "well, that's normal for a lot of people", yeah so was unable to see without glasses or dying from a burst appendix, lack of insulin or just bad food. Some people have it mild and get by, but for some, it's hell on Earth.
More healthcare pros need to recognize it's a problem, recognize it's fixable and fix it.
It's closer to the truth that we're probably just not supposed to live this way.
It is a valid condition, with serious and quite predictable consequences, only partly fixable by medication and therapy.
I think ADHD is a genetic trait that was evolutionarily selected for, and individuals with it made effective explorers, inventors, and creators, providing substantial benefit to humanity. It is an explorer's gene, though society today finds little value in that.
It's so frustrating and incredibly heartbreaking because I think people with ADHD are 100% totally valid in their own right, as it is likely an adaptive trait [1, 2], and yet our society has abandoned them as disabled.
[1]: "ADHD as a disorder of adaptation" - https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/9401328/
[2]: "ADHD sucks, but not really | Salif Mahamane | TEDxUSU" - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fWCocjh5aK0
but all we pay for is tree-climbing!, between the hours of 8 and 5.
https://external-content.duckduckgo.com/iu/?u=https%3A%2F%2F...
Find out what you really want, don't care what others think. This way it's much more realistic to have success, and you will probably also be much happier. I don't think many would want to be a CEO if they didn't care what others think.
One thing that changed for me last year was that I finally got the passion to get through that list of random topics I wanted to get through without the pretense of trying to prove anything to anyone. It really did work, even though the feeling towards those pretenses still linger a bit.
Here on HN, there was once something that stuck along with me, on an article about how people found success in one-person companies. One said that he did what he needed to do and then just find what could be sold from that. It's a simple statement, but what it says lacks that pretense of finding the truth in something, like finding success in other people or even unattainable quality of work.
I think the real problem is the pool of people they can compare themselves to is so much larger. No matter what your interests, vocation or career it's easy to find someone on social media who appears to be an order of magnitude better than you are.
This is what I would consider a significant measure of success - people wanting to talk to you (assuming they're actual messages, and not robocall spam). Whether they're from friends who want to chat, contacts who want to work with you, or just random updates about interesting things that for some reason someone thinks you should know about, having people out there think about you enough to fire up the dialler on their phone and try to reach you is pretty cool. There are so many other things they could be thinking about.
Focus is a priceless resource.
When I need to put my head down and concentrate, I try to shut off distractions. Like many developers I know, sometimes it means I gravitate to working late at night when the rest of the world leaves me alone.
I just figured it was an evolutionary (sort of Darwinian) march to where we are now. Throw enough stuff at the wall and you'll quickly find what sticks.
But to be sure, when I saw I was wasting away flipping through the 100 or so cable TV channels (around about the year 1999 or so) I cut the cord.
Of course, the web was not nearly as intoxicating then. I have the new cord around my neck now.
Fulfilment comes from within, not externally. Results driven fulfilment comes from the gradual achievement of small goals, slowly combining into larger goals. They can be as small, as simple as reading a book.
The best advice I was ever given was 'finish what you start'. Rather than skim articles in newspapers, I forced myself to read (awful) articles from the beginning to end. Eventually that morphed, and I now make choices on when to skim, what to leave behind - what's a sunk cost fallacy and what isn't. But the point was to break the pattern, to achieve small things, and build on them.
I take the same approach with my kids. Get a win, then get another win.
I am 26 and this is has been the hardest thing for me to come to terms with over the past few years.
I thought I'd be happier with a high paying job. So I got a job that pays at the 99.9th percentile for my age. Didn't really make me happier. Then I thought my unhappiness was because of my weight. So I lost 90lbs. Hardest thing I've ever done. But it didn't make me happy. Today a voice in my head is telling me "you'll be happier if you get muscular," "you'll be happier if you get in a relationship." I plan to do all of those things, but I realize they probably won't make me happy.
What has helped somewhat with fulfillment was placing a fundamentally greater value on myself. Reflecting on my accomplishments has made this a bit easier. And I do value myself a lot more today than I did two years ago - my confidence is higher, even if not as high I hoped it would be...
I can't help but feel a bit lost. My accomplishments did not provide me the concrete, grounding, pervading feeling of achievement I hoped they would find. I wasn't happy after them. Instead, there was... nothing, and now I feel like I'm kind of just floating without direction when it comes to "finding happiness."
Exercise will make you happy, but only while you're doing it. Getting a raise will make you happy, but only for a short time period after that raise. "Having" a relationship won't make you that happy, but the process of building the relationship is highly enjoyable.
The key to happiness is to do those things that make you happy while you do them. Sacrificing your personal now for a better future is one of those church ideals that always struck me as weird. That said, if you work on making the planet better, that work will probably also make you happy as long as you keep doing it. But the "better planet" itself is too abstract to make you happy long-term.
Hey, thank you for crystallising such a fundamental and valuable piece of wisdom so neatly.
Exactly. It's not about reaching the destination. It's about enjoying the journey.
I think in certain ways they're valid, but more for creating circumstances that will allow you to do fulfilling things in the future. Taking care of your body now to avoid health issues in the future, saving now so you don't have to worry about money in the future.
I guess a common baseline requirement for happiness is a sense of freedom. A healthy body gives you freedom to move (move in the broadest sense of the word, meaning also mobility, being able to pick something up from the floor without too many aches and pains), some financial backing means you're not constantly worrying about where your next meal comes from, so you're free to think about other things.
That said, having a relationship helped me out of my funk, which was not dissimilar to yours. I - and my girlfriend - are now more content with mediocrity.
1. Maybe steady-state “feeling happiness” isn’t a good goal? Like, so what if you “feel happy?” If that’s all you want, opiates are widely available.
Maybe a better set of goals would be “peak satisfaction” combined with tangible external outcomes that you consider worthwhile.
2. The accomplishments you have listed are mostly about yourself. They feel empty now because you have basically got yourself under control. What can you improve in the world outside yourself? Can you improve the company where you work? Or your family in some tangible way?
I’ll give you one small example:
My cousin and his wife had failed two expensive rounds of IVF already, and they are comfortable but not in high paying jobs. They were struggling to afford another round. They had asked the family for help with a go fund me but didn’t come close to what was needed.
I had just gotten a bonus, and the total amount needed (several $K) was an amount I could well afford so I just sent it to them. I didn’t make it a big deal, and made sure they understood they owe me nothing.
To this day, I get a warm glow of satisfaction when I see my niece or they send pictures.
Way more than what I get from checking my bank account or reflecting on other “self” accomplishments.
Gratitude should also help with each area that you feel is fulfilled, otherwise you just never have enough
[1] https://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newHTE_93.htm
What's external and what's internal?
Where do your desires come from? Your hopes?
Some people think they are the masters of their mind, that what they feel come from them, but what about the influence of their parents, their friends, the movies they watch, the books they read, advertising, music, social media?
We swim in a cultural ocean where things that seem on the inside might have actually come from the outside.
That's if there's even an actual distinction between inside and outside in the first place.
"Get a win, then get another win."
Is winning the point? What if someone doesn't care about winning?
Not OP but I interpret “win” in this context to mean something more like “success” and not strictly about winning or beating someone else.
It’s certainly a turn of phrase that I’ve heard used in that context a fair amount.
How about thinking about it with common sense, as opposed to trying to find some perfect rational answer that squares the circle?
There will always be external influences, but we still call most of them "internal" if they gently shaped who we are, as opposed to us chasing after them like junkies and getting overwhelmed by propaganda (ads, unattenable images of success/body/status in the media, unhealthy peer pressure, and so on), or beating us to submission to them (e.g. like parents insisting on instilling their own youthful dreams or desires of becoming X or Y to a kid).
Especially if we mostly care for the trappings (being Elon Musk rich, and having Elon Musk lifestyle), and not the process (making stuff).
Common sence is a mythl
Thoughts think themselves, you are an empty vessel and they arrive in your mind by magic, and you have no real idea where they come from. All you do is react to them in one way or the other
"you are an empty vessel and they arrive in your mind by magic"
Whatever: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Analysis_paralysis
Your thoughts don’t come out of nowhere. They are based on your own set of beliefs, usually shaped by experiences.
Change your beliefs and you can change your thoughts.
As in, if you chase situations in which your local environment is full of applause, then you're only going to be satisfied when you're in those environments. If you chase situations in which you are, eg., finish some project in some area of interest, then you can be satisfied with "resources more your own".
> 1. Some things are in our control and others not. Things in our control are opinion, pursuit, desire, aversion, and, in a word, whatever are our own actions. Things not in our control are body, property, reputation, command, and, in one word, whatever are not our own actions.
http://classics.mit.edu/Epictetus/epicench.html
Does it matter where our desires and hope come from at the very beginning ? We have thousands of divergent influences pushing us everyday. The ones we choose to go with come from within, they come from you, probably ingrained and influenced by your environment, but the only thing that matters is that you take them as yours.
Regarding "Is winning the point? What if someone doesn't care about winning? ", winning here has a wider meaning than the small 'winning a game' meaning, it means succeed at what you set yourself to.
You're of course free not to set goals to your own life, but doing so has long been found to be one of the best way to find happiness and meaning (it's the conclusion for Candid of Voltaire for example, but there's much more). If you're interested in the matter, I can recommend "Man's search for meaning" from Viktor Frankl
The largest obstacles I face when it comes to achieving things is really that the things I want to do and the things I feel motivated to do are very rarely the same. Often I am extremely motivated to do things that I really don't want to be doing; I can spend hours fixated on something irrelevant and afterwards feel exhausted and annoyed because I really would rather have done something else, but my brain disagreed.
However, by far the most fulfilling thing I've done for a long long time is helping out in a foodbank in a nearby town.
So my biggest regret at the moment is actually realising that, at least for me, helping other people actually can be rather more fulfilling than achieving purely personal goals - I wish I'd realised this sooner.
But it's discouraged at every turn from the top; and replaced with shiny things, power and competition.
Fulfillment certainly isn’t external. It’s entirely generated internally.
What somewhat worked for me was time tracking based on my screen's focus (I use Timing for Mac, timingapp.com, no affiliation whatsoever). If anything it makes me aware, but since I use it for billing my hours, there's an incentive to minimise it to keep the day (at least somewhat) short.
Today's for working on my own stuff, so no tracking, hence me falling for the same traps again, and writing this comment. Probably should do it on a day like today as well.
On the other hand, while I've got a lot on the go, I do eventually finish things, so winning I guess?
Time is the bottleneck and not motivation or whatever. It's finite and we run out of it before we even realize it pursuing ephemeral things.
I also cannot relate. My parents drilled into us the ideas of discipline, hard work and an absolute refusal to quit. I’m not super successful. I’m not a CEO. But I’ve accomplished more in my life so far than I thought I would.
Or perhaps my expectations are too low…
I suppose that the younger version of me have gone too far in pride, and too little in understanding. Which I've made peace with. But a lingering consequence is that I really don't know what to aim for anymore, not inspired by any visions, not particularly excitable. From a day-to-day point of view, I settle for being helpful to my fellow human beings. On a grand scale, though, I'm quite lost.
https://www.nytimes.com/2022/02/01/opinion/ezra-klein-podcas... https://runforsomething.net/
I often complain to my girlfriend that I've got nothing done, and then she asks what I've done... and it turns out I've actually done a lot. I'm currently splitting my days between regular contract work producing videos (first two hours of the day, 7am-9am), and then after a short break I spend the rest of the day (until 6pm, with an hour for lunch) working on my house extension. Today I'll be doing more of the roof (weather permitting), or putting in central heating pipes.
Then, after dinner, I'll be working on YouTube content.
But still, I've done nothing, in my mind... because I expected to have the extension finished by now (I'm 9 months in, and about 6 months behind, mostly due to external delays).
I'm 50. I did expect to be much more successful than I am - I'm not in the slightest, financially. I never expected to be a millionaire, but I'm below average earnings in the UK. But I'm (mostly) happy, and I think that's what matters. I hope so, anyway!
One reason why I don't like using salary as a comparison is it doesn't reflect people's life circumstances, except at the extremes. It's just easy to measure.
And good luck with the roof!
If I had to give advice to my younger self now, I'd probably go with:
1. Celebrate your science reading habit, instead of awkwardly apologizing that you like mathematics. 1 paper a week might seem like it'll get you nowhere, but in 20 years, that compounds to in-depth knowledge of the field. It'll pay off, but on a time scale you and your peers don't understand yet.
2. Don't compare to Gates, Zuckerberg, or Elon. The 1st had resources you'll never have because of his rich parents. The 2nd is now universally hated as a sicko psychopath whose products drive teens into suicide. The 3rd can't seem to keep a stable enough relationship to have a family. You'd hate being in their shoes.
3. Get more comfortable saying no. People are going to ask you for favors all the time, but your time is very limited. Only help friends or those where you predict they'll reciprocate. Make people get their own hands dirty first, it'll help them learn. Stay away from "energy vampires" who ask for your help for everything but won't help you back.
We have invented the total perspective vortex.
1. financial independence (enough passive income not to work if i prefer)
2. own my own home (large enough to grow a family)
3. have a family
In my mid 30s, pretty much given up on 3 and 2, as 3 depends on 2.
So I am just left with 1 to aim for.
2. and 3. are totally independent from each other, both are made easier by No. 1 so.
Just a general advice, if I may dare, stop putting those things in order, relax and let some things in live just happen. And enjoy the journey as much as possible.
Obviously, that advice only works if you are living in a stable environment. If you don't priorities are going to be topped by, worst case, living to see the next day.
Regardless, it's perfectly possible to succeed at having a happy and fulfilling life without being financially independent. #2 can be achieved if one moves out of the more attractive areas where housing is often far cheaper than in the more hip areas. It may have consequences like an increased commute, or a lower salary, but again, having enough money to never having work isn't going to happen for most of us.
Also mid 30s is so young, you still have at least a decade to find a significant other and build a family if that's what you want.
getting married, having kids, i could do it now, but i would be living as a renter, dependent on my job. i would not be able to sleep at night.
i feel like my parents generation at least had the safety net of social welfare, but that is no longer there.
I'm 36 and often ask myself, what did I do?
My parents had kids with 20.
My father and grandfather were managers with 25.
I met a bunch of people who founded a company before they were 20.
Friends of mine traveled from Europe to East Asia as hitchhikers in their 20s.
Many of my fellow students work for FAANG. Two are CTOs at middle sized companies and one is even a professor at university.
In contrast to that I always feel like a slacker.
When I was in my 30s, I felt like some colleagues had a bit more luck even for what they wanted to do: joining the right company, getting to work on the right projects. Maybe they slid into them or maybe they struggled to get the best projects. The fact is that I don't know. I never asked but it doesn't matter because I think that very few things from people are insightful enough anyway.
Let's say we're successful slackers inst
I also figured out quite recently that, never compare yourself to anyone because there is always going to be someone far better than you. Far luckier than you.
I was binge watching a YouTube channel called "Geoguesser". Self explanatory. I was mesmerized by how skilled he was. Even if he was thrown into a literal no where, he was fairly accurate in his guess.
Then I watched him compete with other people. He is good but he was no where as good as the other competitors. My reality was shattered. He is not a miracle but he was just skilled at a niche, that's all. There are better guessers but they were not miracles either they were more skilled AND more lucky.
So the pursuit of skills and ambition never stops. It is not a thirst, it is greed. So stop comparing, embrace the mediocrity and convince yourself you are better. Start by finding the small things that makes you better than most.
As far as I can tell (not a psychiatrist), this individual is suffering from mental illness and could benefit greatly from cognitive behavioural therapy.
I hope he gets better soon.