Ask HN: Is pornography harmful and what effects you noticed from abstaining?

I've been porn-free for 1 year now, after a 20-year-long addiction. I feel more intimate with my wife and have a higher self-esteem generally after quitting.

After trying to quit and failing countless times, what finally worked for me was praying -- specifically, the Rosary. I'm not saying that's the only way by any means, but that's what worked for me.

Sorry for a throwaway but this is a little awkward. It sounds like you're more concerned about what doing the pornography is doing to its performers, than what it's doing to you. That's fair. I don't personally believe it's automatically harmful to the viewer in small doses, and I still watch a bit of it. Maybe I'm just still hooked on it.

Anyway. I got myself in a pickle with porn. Watched a bunch of fetish porn involving acts I have conflicted feelings over. Simple gross factor, rather than anything ethical. It was a new kind of experience, orgasming to something that's simultaneously disturbing and erotic, and you can end up cyclically chasing that. Dissociative, almost.

It's extraordinarily hard to resolve the fantasies and images in my mind with an actual human being I talk to. They are disjointed, two different worlds that don't mesh. It was affecting my sexual performance. When I was with a partner, I would have intrusive images of the fetish act in my mind and it made it hard to engage with them. Having a person as a fetish object and as a lover at the same time, does not work in my experience.

So I stopped watching it. I watched other more "normal" sexual acts. I still respond to those. And I exercised my imagination. Honestly for the first time since my teenage years. What did I think about when it wasn't being presented to me? It took more than a month. But the intrusive disjunctive images while having sexual relations slowly decreased over time. I feel more sexually confident. But still not like before.

We do know that simple reward conditioning works on humans, a little bit, sometimes. And orgasms are a powerful reward. Be careful with that.

I can reliably say that the more I abstain from porn, the better sex feels with my partner. If I'm regularly fapping and watching porn (the two pretty much go together for me), sex just isn't as good. It feels boring and mechanical. When I abstain, it is way more pleasurable. I notice the increase in pleasure even after just a week or so from abstaining. I'm more horny for my partner and looking forward to having sex.

I have symptoms of an enlarged prostrate and can say I feel a lot better (physically) if I ejaculate regularly. If I go two weeks without it and then I do I feel some serious pain.

Sometimes I masturbate when I couldn't care less about having an orgasm just to manage my symptoms.

Yes, pornography is harmful when everything is considered. Yes, this is my held belief held partly from personal experience, and partly from limited study, and partly from how I was brought up. No, it is very unlikely that I will change my mind.

I am currently abstaining, and I have noticed changes in my life: mental health, social calendar, relationships. My sexual outlet is not just my hand in front of (usually) a screen showing impersonal images. My sexual urges are directed more wholly towards my sexual partner.

When I did not have a partner, I noted there was some frustration with errant thoughts. But, that virility of thought was to my benefit when I did find a partner. In the past, I've had issues physically with erectile dysfunction, or mentally with emotional engagement. The narrative fed to me in porn was so embellished so as to change my expectations in reality. Abstaining has helped ground me by not implicitly comparing reality to a contrived fantasy with a darker underbelly.

I also think, porn is an easy outlet for boredom and solitude, and not just sexual frustration. When I restrain from porn, I find myself occupying time doing other things. Granted, I may be unproductive. But, I've felt in the balance that I've eked out things more worthwhile of my time than just my ejaculate into empty air :)

Calling porn a problem is rude kinda like saying Tinder spreads disease. I would start with the clear cases of predatory behavior instead of necroing a 1800s debate.

Anything can be harmful for you, especially if it takes over your life.

Pornography comes in many forms. Is it inherently harmful? Probably not. Maybe some kinds are.

Can people be addicted to it just like most anything? yea.

In my view porn isn't the root cause of the problem. It's a symptom. The root cause being not having a partner with whom you can achieve sexual satisfaction.

Considering porn as being the subject of human urges is perhaps misguided. The urge is to find a partner. It can't be satisfied by watching porn.

The goal should be to work on maximizing your chances in finding a suitable mate.

You can still keep watching porn. I don't think there's anything wrong with it. Just be considerate with what you're watching. Plenty of (amateur) porn couples who simply enjoy doing what they do. Where there's no abuse. Just be aware it's not going to solve/satisfy anything.

There's nothing wrong with enjoying/admiring humans as beautiful objects as long as you respect them (this includes porn actors) as worthy humans too.

It's important not to treat all porn equally, but I think it is fairly safe to say that much porn was not obtained with the full consent of the people depicted in it, or with completely fair terms of compensation. Even if it was, it is often shared in contexts that pay no royalties to the original actors and creators. Moreover, much pornography depicts sexuality in a way that is focused primarily on male gratification and that treats women abusively. Many young men take these unhealthy and unrealistic depictions of sexuality with them in their relationships, and many women also feel obligated to perform in the ways they are depicted even when they don't enjoy it. To the extent use of certain types of pornography incentivizes all these problems, consumption makes one complicit in these abuses. Regardless of its affect on your personal life, I think it's important to be fully candid with yourself about these 'collateral damage' aspects and be introspective about the extent to which you might be supporting exploitation with some types of porn.

Yes it does harm, honestly it gives a totally unrealistic idea of how fast a person can get a plumber to show up to their house... Honestly though don't need to porn because I have such an active and creative imagination, then again, had to deal with while repair websites as SAAS so sometimes seeing reminds me of work.. It's more sicking though see how much money some of the sites makes, and how the work around all the laws meant to prevent them from making such money... Shells with shells...

The family is the building block of society.

Suggestion: become involved in a community of faith and build the self, others, and families up along moral lines for optimal joy.

Pleasure==tactical

Joy==strategic

learn to control your passions or your passions will be used to control you

or, more succinctly: quit ye like men

Porn provides a counterfeit of love and human intimacy. Love is designed to give you joy and pleasure but also to elevate you and make you better through working to improve a relationship by making your partner happy. To have someone to serve while also being served in turn as you sacrifice together to work for mutual goals. While also providing posterity, which also adds to your happiness as well as require fulfilling work.

Porn provides an illusion of love with no work and no lasting happiness or satisfaction. It's highly addictive. It harms everyone involved, you and especially the women. Turning them into objects instead of people with needs that are being violated by being remotely consumed by the viewers. Making you less capable of true love by rewiring your brain to expect the counterfeit.

You can't really get a marriage to blossom while addicted to porn, you just can't.

Men can build women up or take from them (even remotely) and by doing so tear them down. Women don't like being objectified.

Addiction is harmful, so is over indulgence.

I think physical pleasure is an essential part of healthy living, but if porn and sex work disappeared tomorrow we'd probably all be better for it.

can you explain why you decided to flag this?

Last night I posted a comment on another forum on the topic of this particular addiction which I'll paraphrase here:

Work with a therapist who treats addiction, doesn't have to specifically be porn addiction. Look up 12 step meetings for sex addiction or love addiction (there isn't a specific 12 step group for porn addiction) in your timezone, join meetings in person or online. Listen, talk and share. It works if you work it. No religious beliefs required. Life on the other side of addiction is really something else.

Happy to answer any questions from you or anyone else either in replies or privately if you share a means of contact.