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These "don'ts" appear universally. I thought I was alone in hating the "our web interface is better" message. I pay my Citi Bank credit card via 800 number because their web pages are so bad. I really don't need to hear that Citi's garbage webpages are convenient.

One missing "don't" - don't sound like Rachel from Cardholder Services, the notorious recorded message that scammers use. Bank of America used to sound like Rachel. I'm 52% certain that I've hung up on legitimate BoA calls because they sound so similar to scammers.