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Is the joke that they came up with 18 useless features without mentioning USB-C?
How is a based 90s antenna a joke to you?

I would take it anytime over some weird USB-C!

I used to have a phone which allowed me to plug an external antenna into the USB port.

I sorely miss that.

Moto g phones used headphone cables as FM antennas. Not sure if they still do though.
And why is it called USB C anyway? It's not shaped like a C at all!
Useless? I use the quadcopter features of my iPhone everyday after driving home... with iPhone's steering wheel.
I didn't mean to offend anyone, I don't even know how you're supposed to take the thing with you without the Pro Handle. Just wish there was a good way to plug it into my other devices...
Add an Apple logo middle of the screen and it will connect to all Apple devices magically using dark witchcraft. Add an Android logo and boom, you now connect to almost all smartphones. Whatever you do... do not touch the pear logo.
That's fair, but you have to admit - the triple headphone jack, side-facing cameras, and dual power buttons (for 2x the power) were nice touches.
This is so lame. Apple would never allow a 3.5mm jack even in a parody app.

(j/k, fun stuff as always by Neal)

If you tried it but didn't click the present button you are missing out. It really puts a bow on your design.
If it was a few years back, Jony Ive reading fortune cookies would be great
"This isn't just an upgrade, its a breakthrough"
[SPOILERS] If you click "Present" lots of times, there are other variations too:

"These are the best iPhones we've ever created."

"Wow, what an amazing day!"

"This is a big upgrade!"

Broken for me. Don't see a phone and can't drag pieces. EDIT: In Chrome:

Refused to execute script from 'https://neal.fun/_nuxt/pages/design-the-next-iphone/index.a2...' because its MIME type ('text/html') is not executable, and strict MIME type checking is enabled.

You should mention which browser and OS you're using. Otherwise, your comment isn't very useful.
It didn't work in Safari for me, but did in Chrome.
(comment deleted)
Hi creator here, what browser/OS are you on?
Windows 10, Chrome 104.0.5112.82
Also didn't work for me, in Safari on macOS.
This needs a way to share the results!
(comment deleted)
Present (top right) → Download video (bottom centre).
Oh, the button does not show up for me :(
Looks to be a Firefox thing. I just tested in both Chrome and Safari and the download link was there. Not in Firefox tho
Everything from Neal Agrawal brings much-needed whimsy into the world.
I have spent so much time on https://neal.fun/rocks/ that I should be a little embarrassed, yet I'm so calm and I've had so much fun, I'm not.
Fantastic! But it's missing the most important thing: USB-C
And the 3.5mm Audio
Headphone jack is in the components list, keep scrolling!
pfft - 3.5mm is for amateurs, the iPhone Pro Max should have XLR or 1/4in at least ;)
Don't forget phono input!
Even in our imagination our iPhones don't have USB-C!
Allowing anything useful would subtract from the joke
First thing I looked for and I laughed when it wasn't available but there was a pro handle.
The European Union will force Apple to ship iPhones with USB-C from 2024.

https://you.com/search?q=eu+usb+c+law

My guess is that they will remove all ports by then and completely switch to MagSafe

That would take a ton of courage
They may also find another loophole: like make iPhone thinner than USB C, or certify it as a health tracker, or increase charging rate to 101 W. That technically moves iPhone into the laptop territory, and different regulations apply.

"Included devices: a larger range of small and medium-sized devices with power delivery up to 100 watts would be included under the scope of the directive, including e-readers, low-powered laptops, keyboards, mice, earbuds, screens, printers, portable navigations, smart watches, personal care devices and electronic toys (annex Ia Part I RED). Some products, such as smart watches, health trackers and personal care devices, could be exempted if they are too small to have a USB Type-C receptacle. By the end of 2026, the Commission would be required to assess and include other devices that can be charged with the USB Type-C under the scope of the directive."

https://www.europarl.europa.eu/RegData/etudes/BRIE/2021/6988...

There is no way Lightning can deliver 101W, so for that one they would need to change the port anyway.
Easy. Call it Lightning Pro, with chargers starting at $99. Not included in the box, but you don't need it anyway because they already give you magsafe
the motherboard won't accept it
I second this. You can already develop on iPhone via Wi-Fi, so you don’t strictly speaking need to have ports any more.
> My guess is that they will remove all ports by then and completely switch to MagSafe

I've heard this repeated a lot and just don't get it. It doesn't make any sense to me from a product perspective- removing the port doesn't seem to get them anything. It's already pretty waterproof, it's already pretty slim (and I don't think the port is the limiting factor there anyway). I just don't get the upside. One could argue that they'll sell a _lot_ of magsafe accessories, but pucks don't don't provide the same flexibility as cords and they must know that.

Anyway, I've got a $100 bet with a friend going (placed Nov 2020): I think _a_ port will stay, and he thinks it'll be portless by the 2023. We'll see who's right!

Should be USB-B, the kind you see on printers.
No no, micro-USB is what we're missing, clearly!
That was fun. Just like the TLD.

More of this internet please.

There are a lot of similar games on the same website: https://neal.fun/
"Draw popular logos" was a laugh.

Post the code so someone can put a score to it!

Great! How do I print it?
Like kicad plot, bom, gerbers, drill holes, i agree!
Where USB-C?
You can add a rotary dial, copter blades, and wheels. But a USB-C is too silly even for a parody, that is just taking it too far.
Pull Request:

Add more items to the feature palette: USB-C (TB3), USB-C (DP2.0), USB-C (PD), USB-C (TB & DP2, no PD), USB-C (DP2 and PD, no TB), USB-C (HDMI)

Only one graphic/model needed for all of them, so this PR should be easy.

At first I thought this was kind of "meh" but then I clicked over on the "components" list at the bottom. Dear god, I just spent the last 5 minutes giggling and adding absurd things to the phone. I absolutely love this.
The 'pro handle' moment. I genuinely needed this pick up today.
I would love to see price tags added to them as well. Wheels? $100. Handle? $50. Pro handle? $1000.

Edit: It does update price, but I'd like an itemized list

Slap the lighting port in the middle of the screen, so you can't use it while charging.
We've been thinking hard about how we all navigate our expanding digital lives, and we at Apple think the greatest breakthroughs can only occur when we really take time to sit, consider and recharge. In 2017 we introduced Screen Time, a revolutionary way to track your digital usage, putting you in control. This year, we're going one step further and we're excited to announce Recharge Time, only for iPhone 15.
Hey Tim Apple,

You still owe me a fn Macbook Pro because my "recharge time" included my machine bursting into flames on my bed, and the machine was under recall for bursting into flames, and you refused to replace the machine that burst into flames as stated by the recall, and nearly killed me, could have burned down a house, because of the "moisture sensor"

What say you, Tim Apple?

Tim, would you please make sure the right people approve my app? I just sent for approval a wicked cool app that makes old phones new. And, as we know every old phone is a new phone about to be purchased - wink, wink!

So, here is the app I am introducing for August 2022 - Down Time, only for new iPhones. Down Time monitors all phone inputs, sensors, and the like - all when the phone is "down". This allows the Powerful Apple Silicon inside the iPhone on your desk to generate ML heuristics that map how the phone is used when it is not being used - when it is turned off, charging, left in the car, etc. Of course, the next step is to create local SMS messages and notifications that illustrate which of my other apps in the store will make the phone function better. If none of my apps will run on a phone, I create a red, warning hazard of a notification that says a NEW iPhone must be purchased to continue using this family of apps. It's a WIN-WIN, Tim. Please get this approved right quick!

Sorry IncRnd, your app has been rejected on the grounds that it duplicates functionality of a core (about to be) included app. Apple's Relax Time does this, and will be out on the next release.

P.S. We cross-our-hearts-promise we didn't just start this after we read your submission, and have been working on this for months, if not years. Hell, I'm sure we can find some email or memo from the prior decade that seems relevant if you press us.

> I'm sure we can find some email or memo from the prior decade that seems relevant if you press us.

Just a quick Watson search away.

I need a PDF with all the templates of the ways of Apple of saying things.
I put the front camera in the middle of the screen for the whole eye contact thing.
Apple Magic Mouse style!
*right in the middle of the click wheel.
The thing I thought was hilarious is that they put in a zillion funny gadgets, but you can't get a USB-C port instead of that godawful Lightning port.
Charging over hdmi is better anyway.
Just put the headphone jack back on it, then charge via headphone jack like the old ipod shuffles used to!

Seriously though, I still miss the headphone jack :(

As someone who owns dozens of devices with both USB-C and Lightning ports, I find the Lightning port to be significantly superior to USB-C. It is much easier to plug in due to the curves on the sides, easier to plug out, holds in place more strongly, and the port lasts much longer. Why do you call it “godawful”?
i have to own and keep one around literally only for charging my keyboard and mouse, that alone makes it awful
The single factor that makes it awful is that no one else uses it aside from Apple, so I have to have multiple cords of two different types around the house. Annoying!
USB2 Speeds. Why have 4k60 video on a device with no good way of getting video off it?

480mbps half duplex doesn't cut it.

At least they would improve the sync - why all my photos have to go to cloud first? The device is right here. Cherry picking and sending via airdrop doesn’t scale well.
The port actually does support USB 3. If you look in an iPhones Lightning port you'll see that only one side of the port actually has contacts and that's why it's USB 2 only. Some Lightning iPads support USB 3 and they have contacts on both sides of the port.
Its a horrible thing to have to manage USB for everything and yet another cable just for apple devices. I have met actually 0 people who appreciate this on Apple, everybody hates it with passion and during usual office day there is always somebody hunting for iphone cable to charge his phone.

For me, this was the reason which swayed me for Samsung galaxy S22 Ultra instead of iphone 13 pro max. Plus that fugly-as-hell notch, I mean phones look like cheap chinese phones from 2015 with it. Literally everybody on the market has figured a better way to do this.

As with other Apple products (hi AirPods Max) Lightning works fine and well until you take it anywhere the humidity is above 80% for extended periods of time.

I have more Lightning cables with pin 5 (Vcc) charred than I'd like to admit. At one point in my life it took about 2 weeks per side of the connector until they became unusable.

The build quality of the Lightning port is superior, USB-C break much more easily and is susceptible to dust.
That's a build-quality issue; I have zero doubt that if Apple put effort into it they could design a USB-C port and USB-C cable that was waterproof and robust to their standards.
Two lightning ports on the screen, so you can charge and listen to music with your audiophile IEMs at the same time
I turned mine into a skateboard for hamsters with 4 pro wheels valued at $600.
Providing unprecedented performance and mobility.
Since every human on Earth will soon own an iPhone, it makes sense to go for the pet market.

In hindsight constantly improving the water proofing makes sense. How else will you be able to immerse your goldfish’s iPhone in the tank?

Now presenting the iPhone "oops all cameras"
Oh. So. Oops.
I mustered the courage to add two headphone jacks ($200 a pop).
> $200 a pop

To make up for the losses in revenue from bluetooth earphones I assume ;)

How much the first iMac was? It must've been $600 for just the headphone jacks.
O boy, so, no space left for a battery with all those jacks. That must be the brand new iPhone(TETHERED)
I’m glad someone had the guts to do it.
Googly eyes!! I never realized how important googly eyes are. They make everything more user friendly.

They should definitely be an FCC requirement.

Agreed! My only complaint with this webapp is that the Googly eyes don't jiggle when you rotate the phone.
My new iPhone 14 has an antenna AND a steering wheel.
I only wish you could attach things to other attachments. My Pro Handle needs a cupholder attached to it.
They even allow you to add something called a "headphone jack"! Isn't that hilarious? What an antiquated absurdity! A rotary dial makes more sense on a phone these days.
Once I figured out I could drag and rotate, it started making more sense!
"adding absurd things to the phone"

That's how Apple does it, good job!

Yeah, I love how this silently escalates more and more.
The all new Satellite Television Phone from Apple, with power-through-HDMI and long physical antenna for added reception.
No other industrial design affordance says "you're holding it wrong" like spinning blades.
"you're not supposed to hold it at all"
Only thing I’d change is moving the volume buttons to the right side with the power button. The number of times I’ve taken a screenshot trying to un/lock with my left index finger is astronomically high.

And USB-C.

Or putting the power button back on the top. Or going back to the iPhone 5's round volume buttons.

Both the placement and shape of the buttons leads to accidental presses and the inability to easily identify them by feel. Almost anything would be an improvement.

Also try actually using the level.
Anyone else try to figure out what the reflection texture is? I think it's Apple Park.
I clicked present without adding anything, my design uses a telepathic interface, you simply think about it. If you see something, the image is transferred to the memory and uploaded to the cloud by simply desiring that occur. No microphone or earphones are needed, no Bluetooth. I call it the tiPhone it will be out in 2031, place your pre-orders now.
Why do you even need the brick?

My design directly link your neurons to the cloud. Upload 3D vision, done. Connect to google maps, done. Call your mom, having a conversation without speaking aloud, done.

iBrain. Think different.

Directly download to your brain, from a brain near you. Soon.

Hehe, you one upped me for sure :)

We are joking around of course, but sometimes interesting innovation comes from weird ponderings.

I have an experimental cloud phone that has no CPU and uses an FPGA to directly transfer data from a VM in the cloud to the screen. It works, even on 4G but better on 5G. Also, I have been experimenting with transparent OLED.

My dream would be a device completely cloud based, and hence, unlimited processing and storage. The back of the transparent display would be optical sensors and it would use computational imaging in the cloud, no lenses needed. The audio who knows, MEMS I suppose.

I think the technology exists; would anyone want such a thing? Who knows, we have seen things like that in sci-fi movies of course.

So a dumb terminal hanging off someone elses mainframe?
yeah, someone else's power bill, cooling, floor space, capital expense.
Please don’t watch your baby in its bath, everything you see is matched against a database (rest assured for your privacy, everything is done locally in your brain - except if we need to human check - so you may experience slower thinking at times)
Meh.

With iMaL Apple knows what you'll be thinking before your neurons do.

An extra brain but without the squishy mess. And with thousands of videos of brightly coloured middle class people smiling to jaunty music.

Forever.

Are you ready to think different, like billions of other users?

Only $99.99 a month. (But you already knew that.)

Oh, but if I share all my inner most thoughts and feelings, you say they will pay me $99.99 per month for sharing that information? Oh, I have that backwards, don't I? Eshh, now I suddenly see the light! Thank you! Wink.
I know hn frowns on this type of comment but you really should have called he the psiPhone.
no, frown, me dumb. ELI5 it for me :)
Not pounds per square inch, 'psi' as in ESP/psychic
I think the volume and power button labels are reversed.
Please update this with a mini-usb port or firewire port, just to troll.
I would like to have a DB-25 serial port on my phone, but I'm willing to compromise. Give me a 9-pin and I'll grudgingly carry around an adapter.
A GPIO header will do
Oh dear, I just realized you could 3D-print a viable phone case with one at the bottom without too much of a bezel ._.

okey dokey that's enough awake for me today, time to go to sleep I think lol

The best joke is that it doesn't have USB-C.
No notch, rounded edges, and the rest is just gravy.
(comment deleted)
The components used seems to affect your starting price as well.
I just wish it had no notch.
I'm sure they could add a no-notch option (for $200).
I wish the "Present" feature would make my copter blades slowly rotate. But it's all genius.