Ask HN: I love to be alone. But this loneliness is killing me
It‘s not a phase. I am turning 30 soon. I have had this feeling ever since i can remember. I know, often times i am subconsciously aligning my actions to end up alone. Sometimes it seems like i do that to create something like a melancholic void, that i must feel, because otherwise, i would feel empty…
I can‘t summarize it better right now. I have learned the portuguese word „saudade“. That feeling, i believe i know. It seems somehow related, to what I am trying to describe.
I truly can not handle it anymore…
How do you deal with it?
Also I have recently read about „intellectual loneliness“ on here, which i resonated deeply with. It is not what i am describing, but rather a part of it. But the totality is too much for me.
I don‘t even know what to expect from posting here. I just have nowhere else to turn to…
123 comments
[ 2.7 ms ] story [ 191 ms ] threadThe issue i have is, exactly the paradox here… to me title expresses it very clear, but maybe i should rephrase to express it better. I will think about it and try. Thank you for your comment!
Perhaps try 'loving not to be alone' as a self-image for a month and see how that feels.
Certainly, I have times that I don't like being around people (when I'm trying to get work done) and times that I do (when I want to be entertained/drink/celebrate). I'd be surprised if many people don't have such a conditional response. There was a lot of promotion of introversion as a personality type within the geek community not long after social media became completely ubiquitous. I can easily see people getting tired of dealing with people on line and then not wanting to deal with people as much in person, but that doesn't seem like introversion to me, it just sounds like too much FB/Insta/Reddit.
I also get excited about long and difficult bike rides and I'm dead afterwards. But that's part of it.
I think there's often a misconception that introversion == anti-social or a non-enjoyment of social situations.
I think a lot of people have convinced themselves that they're strongly typed as introverts for a lot of various reasons. But people often exhibit desires and behaviors contrary that aren't exactly hard introversion, and discount that it's possible to change or adapt for the better.
I frequently see posts for my city's subreddit basically saying "I am lonely but I don't go out and talk to people or try to because I hate everyone". Or people find it unimaginable that you can go sit at a bar and interact with strangers---meanwhile we do it online all the time. I feel like this is the status quo for too many people.
One example is needing downtime after social interaction. This really isn't uncommon even among people who aren't introverted. Social interaction is a source of stress that can be net positive and it doesn't mean you're introvert if you need a break. If a lot of a person's social interaction has historically been and continues to be negative, then one might associate themselves more heavily with introversion which can reinforce having negative interactions (Why improve social skills or seek out positive social interactions if it feels like everyone is always a jerk?).
But a lot of social interaction people seek out isn't as simple as small talk. A lot of geeks like sharing code and participate in various online communities. I like being able to isolate and get work done and also interact with people about work. Too much of one or the other isn't always useful.
My personal view is that a lot of social interactions and social life in general has been disrupted by tech, and we're still figuring out how to make it work.
Try to avoid negations, our subconsciousness has a hard time dealing with them.
"loving being in company" would be a positive formulation, and immediately opens up the question: in what kind of company? Maybe a fruitful question to ponder...
- Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/c/HealthyGamerGG
- Discord: https://www.healthygamer.gg/community
edit. I don't use twitch but their 1st video rn (they make their way chopped up to youtube) is literally titled "are you a 25 year old loner?"-- https://www.twitch.tv/healthygamer_gg
Finding a therapist is all about you, not them. YOU must feel comfortable with them, if not, find another one. YOU control the direction of the therapy, it's YOUR life. It takes time in therapy, to build trust and to open up, but once you do it will be very beneficial.
OP, your post is the starting point. Now you'll need to seek a professional that can help you. I would also seek a support group the meets regularly and VERY important, start a diary where you can write down what you are feeling and what you think will help you fix it. Do it at least once a week. Specially when you are having the strongest feelings. This will help you articulate what you are feeling so you can discuss it with some one else.
Keep in mind that being alone is a nice feeling for you but that does not mean it has to be 100% of the time. Think about it in terms of sweets. Most of us love sweets but we would never change our live so that we only eat sweets.
A piece of advice that I found quite inspiring was: "Even if you don't believe yourself to be in a place where you'd be a good partner or friend, there are others who may think that you're exactly what they need. And they should get the chance to make that decision for themselves!"
From personal experience, it's nonetheless tough to go from this mindset into putting it into practice - so I wholeheartedly recommend making therapy part of the solution! And don't be afraid to shop for therapists - just because you don't click with one, doesn't mean you won't click with the next.
But at the same time. While the therapist certainly had some good advice, maybe the most important input was that therapy probably would not help me with the things I struggled with. The therapist didn't have any "secret ingredient" that would solve everything. The only secret ingredient is self agency. The rest is information that is shared among everyone alive - life experience.
Try stuff out and ask people what they have tried. Try more stuff until you know what works for you.
For the last two years I worked from my bed and would mostly be in bed all day. I train brazilian jiu jitsu so do leave the house for that. Im also married with 3 kids so I leave the house when they make me. It is easy to not expend energy and just stay home, laying in bed all day. During covid I could easily not leave the house for a week. For me that was living my best life.
About 2 weeks ago I started working sitting at my home office desk. It was actually hard at first, but over the course of a week I got used to sitting up again. Going out to develop relationships is the same way. It might be exhausting at first, but it gets easier the more you do it.
The easiest way to not be alone is to start a hobby that is with other people. I have never participated in one where people didnt start hanging out together. It will be at your pace and you can show up or not show up whenever you want.
I personally do sports, but it could be volunteer work, board games, coding clubs, etc.
Life circumstances (being single) forced me to go out. It was a really hard task, extremely uncomfortable, and full of sort of traumatic and awful experiences. It's only 6-7 years later after starting this that I'm finally in a place where I would almost describe myself as extroverted. I'm socially an entirely different person. My general mental health and well-being is greatly improved. I get a lot of value out of the people in my life and my relationships with them.
My layperson understanding is that this seems like depression, but obviously take that with a grain of salt. If it is depression, there are a number of ways forward that can help, and they mostly start with finding a trained therapist to correctly identify what's going on.
“Lost in an image, in a dream But there's no one there to wake her up And the world is spinning, and she keeps on winning But tell me, what happens when it stops?”
Here, she completely sees the delusion of identity and the larger material world of delusion. Her only mistake is assuming it will stop when in reality the wheel of time has no beginning and only a theoretical end when all beings no longer experience it(time).
Maybe you love being alone, but there's a limit to how much you can be alone?
You’re under 30. You haven’t even hit your peak. It’s going to be OK.
It’s a tough situation you’re in, and I’m sure many of us have had similar thoughts , aside from therapy, the only advice I can offer is sunlight + walking + some regular social interaction. Find the little joys in life, like a sunrise , or trees and birds.
Now, the next line may not be for you but others stumble upon these threads as well.
In case you don't know where to start and feel there are no options left, know that there is always someone available when you call 988 to help you make that first step.
Trying to figure out the WHY (which is unanswerable, and our minds hate an open question) and the HOW TO FIX is still fixating on it and reinforcing it. So I had to stop that (after enough therapy to understand my basic wiring).
What helps me is guided meditations on first relaxing any tension and then imagining the way I want to feel. Sprouting those connections instead of re-running the neural ruts related to the way I don't want to feel.
For me, what helps a lot is some sort of habitual or scheduled interaction. Like a weekly thing. That way the decision making process isn't, "do I feel like setting something up with someone else" but just going.
Meanwhile, as others have said, spend time with a competent therapist. You may need to shop around until you find someone that works well for you. They will guide you on how to socialize and form new relationships.
You might have what’s called avoidant personality disorder.
There’s a subreddit if you’re interesting in learning more: https://reddit.com/r/avpd
One common theme which you alluded to in your post is the feeling of loneliness but also enjoying being alone.
Avoidants crave social interactions but also engage in avoidant behaviour. For example, someone invites you to a party and you decline but you actually really want to go (and might fantasise all night about being there and have pretend conversations in your head).
Again, this is not a medical diagnosis but hopefully can help you search some more and help figure out some stuff about yourself.
Good luck!
Reason for sharing this: I like being alone. But if I have a life configuration that leaves me alone when others aren’t..: I might go through the inverse of this
Recently broke up. Ex- is being very social. I’m annoyed ex is being very social, I think I can’t be social, even when I confirm with myself that I don’t want to be social I’m still conflicted about it. When I went with ex- while being social, I flirted on edge and wasn’t social. I didn’t want to be there either.
I feel like this every time I read an article that says we have to have connections or we will rot in our old age
Or my employer tells me we have to come back to the office because “community”
I really actually do want to be alone 90% of the time. But not every part of my brain let’s me fully have that thought uncontested.