I'm going to assume here, that suicidal thoughts or depression are not involved. If any of that is in play, please ignore Internet forums and get some professional help and support. But if that's not the case, and you are indeed faced with a crisis--professional challenges, bereavement, financial loss or crisis, etc.--read on.
A few things: find something short term to focus on; try and get that done. Something as simple as chores around the house. Or maybe a movie or book franchise you want to work your way through. Might be inane, but you need a bit of that.
Don't be afraid to be alone, and to face your thoughts and feelings. It's doesn't feel great, but it's a necessary part of the journey.
Don't put yourself under pressure to get back on your feet, and be social and productive immediately. Stick to the routine, but don't be hard on yourself if you're not doing your best.
Most importantly, for the long term, just try and remember that things change. Your crisis may feel overpowering and all encompassing now, but it WILL NOT last. All you need is time. You'll benefit from other things along the way--hobby, support, friendship, etc.--but you WILL need time, no matter what else you get, support-wise.
Focusing on the immediate objective. When that's done focus on the next immediate objective. It's like you build a ladder of objectives one step at a time to guide you through the rough times. Focusing on the immediate makes things easier for me.
What helped me was to understand that my struggle had several causes, and clearly identify them all.
Then, I could start working on improving those that could be improved, if only by a tiny amount. Talking to a therapist should also probably be part of the plan.
This gives you a plan and the feeling that you are back into control, that you can fight back.
Hope is only about tomorrow, in the long term we are all dead.
First is that sometimes event happens that just suck, and your life will suck until you can get away from that situation for a while e.g. a loved one dies, life sucks for a while. The only option is to embrace the situation and bear it with whatever grace you can muster.
Second is that a life that is stably worth living is one with multiple pillars of support. Mine are family, friends, hiking, reading, and my career. Because I have so many sources of joy and comfort, some of these can fall through (e.g. It's ok if I don't see friends for a few weeks) and life is still worth living. Learn to build and sustain these pillars in your life.
Third, in support of the second point, a life worth living requires a bare minimum of resources. Figure out what that is for you, figure out a plan that will give you that minimum, then execute.
Fourth, "a life worth living" may not always be happy, but might instead be "fulfilling". To the second and third points, setting yourself a goal and making concrete steps is something I and many others find fulfilling. Not realizing this till later in life is one of my bigger regrets.
Focusing on myself and what I can control. Focusing on improving my physical wellness, in whatever ways I can---we are more than our minds. Focusing on being a good friend to myself---not beating myself down with self-criticism.
I've also found great help in a support group---for me it's been Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families. "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change" (even though I don't really believe in God), developing greater love for myself, and all that. Realizing that whatever I'm struggling with, I'm not alone.
The observation that, given time, things can get better.
The observation that getting involved in any positive endeavor, whether my own work, or collaborations with others, helps me feel better about life. That working toward any worthwhile goal, no matter how small, be it as simple as cleaning my own counter, can put fresh wind in my sails.
The observation that people grow, and change, that it takes all kinds, that feelings of overwhelming crisis are important feelings, but not facts. That people have bounced back from terrible life disasters, and gone on to do amazing things. That everybody, even those we most admire, has an "annus horribilis" or two.
Tackling my despairing thoughts using techniques of cognitive behavior therapy. Realizing that even if I can't prove that everything will be okay, it is far, far better to live with the hope that overall, things will work out. Letting myself believe that I am a good enough person. Letting the pursuit of perfection drive me, but not letting it drive me into the ground.
Establishing positive routines.
Learning more about other people and how they've faced life---perhaps I can change my approach?
Reading less news; refusing to doomscroll. Reading things of substance instead. Allowing myself to establish a psychological boundary between the real horrors that happen in a world of 7 billion people, and my own life and the lives of the people I'm close to. EDIT: I actually explicitly limit my news consumption to a finite amount of time each week, using the LeechBlock browser extension. And yes, that includes Hacker News!
Getting a pet.
Meditating.
Writing poetry, essays, and stories.
Eating the occasional hot pastrami sandwich.
Whatever you are going through, things can get better.
Human beings are incredibly adaptable creatures. It just takes time, and experience.
These are just some things I have found helpful; there's a whole world of other approaches out there. Who knows what you don't know right now, but will one day learn?
1. Going through it properly. It helps to be aware on where you are in your stages of grief and really taking your time and not rushing. There will be times you'll relapse but it still helps to be aware that you actually have relapsed.
2. Putting things in perspective. This may be in form of getting your priorities checked, identifying the right steps forward, and taking your babysteps in that path even if it sucks, even if you feel like shit, even if at times you can't do much, even if it feels like a plateau you can't get out of.
3. Being around people who are willing to listen to you. The right ones are the ones that are willing to listen to you but won't give you any unsolicited advice. It's tough to make life decisions too when you're emotional, sometimes you have to give it time to really digest where the fuck you are and where you're heading at. These may be your family, friends, acquaintances, even strangers. Express what you're going through, communicate it, tell the story about it, cry and laugh about it, embrace it.
4. Get some hookers and cocaine. Just kidding, feel free to let yourself unwind a bit BUT make sure you don't too far in a downward spiral of shitty life choices in making yourself feeling a little good. This includes eating shit food, not being physically active, not socializing, and even being dependent on drugs or whatever form of crutches. Please don't make those mistakes.
Getting on medication is one of the top 3 decisions I've made in my life. I had a serious crisis in 2018, and while I didn't attempt suicide, I really wanted to die and could feel it moving in that direction. I went to a psychiatrist recommended by my primary-care doc. He met with me a few times, recommended "The Happiness Trap" and a few techniques for distancing, but it wasn't helpful. He then recommended medication, and I was super-cynical, because the guy hadn't been helpful otherwise.
After another particularly awful day where I stayed home in bed, I decided to give the prescription he'd written me a shot. I felt it working by two weeks in. It was very noticeable. My mother passed away about two months after I started, and I often wonder how badly I would've handled that if I'd not been using this medication. My doc told me it works well for about 1/3 of the people who take it, works a little for another 1/3, and doesn't work at all for the remainder, who must then hop around to other drugs till they find one that sticks.
Lots of people are against medication, and I get that mindset. There's also evidence that comes out occasionally that says "SSRIs don't work" or something similar, and I don't really care -- there's no doubt in my mind that it's working _for me_. It's very night-and-day and I wish I'd had this from high school onward.
I had a kid to look after (who was also suffering) who had to get up, go to school (most days he was able to -- the ritual helped). I had pets to feed, dog needed walks. I couldn't just lie in bed and justifiably feel miserable for myself. Friends would drag me out, inviting me to things. Kid had events that required showing up.
And slowly, and eventually, I recovered to some degree.
Without an external forcing function though I don't really understand how ppl in such situations don't just fade away. I have noticed some people replace grief with anger. I wonder if that's really better; I'd imagine it would be even more corrosive.
In one of his novels (SiaSL?) Heinlein had a character follow a doctrine of "I'll get over this eventually, so why not now?" That is absurd.
> but when my career was in the shitter it was: anger, resentment, bitterness, hate
I can’t lie these worked out shockingly well, when I was younger, but I just don’t have the energy now nor do I have anyone/thing to motivate that anger.
Despair usually sets in when we feel that we are all alone in our trials and we don't have any control over our circumstances. Suicide and depression are very real problems that need professional help; but most people with despair just need a little help to come out of it on their own.
Focus on a few things you can control. Work on them every day. Find others who can help you. Sometimes the best way to find them is to help someone else. It not only takes your mind off your own problems, but good friendships can form when several people need each other and can offer some help and support to the others. That is one of the reasons that groups like AA can succeed.
All of the other posts are wonderful advice, but confronting the reality of a situation but with deep belief and understanding that "this too will pass" has always held true for me
Honesty with my own limitations and then planning accordingly.
I also have an inbuilt system where I just stop doing things when the bucket is full. It renders me temporarily unreliable but it’s a reliable way of shedding unnecessary load.
Even if someone else (or other anthropomorphic force, like cancer, death etc) is going to win, that doesn't mean I have to make it fucking easy for them!
After a while ... once you accept things are what they are ... it gets easier.
And one day ... maybe a while away ... you have joy.
Chronic Fatigue Syndrome - adjusting expectations is a big thing. "I should have X, Y, Z" or "I used to be able to ..." is replaced with "I do, right now, have a, b, c". This isn't something that can be done in an instant, it can take years. Don't beat yourself up, you are what you are. Other people are what they are.
I now laugh at crazy success quips people put on their bios. "Everest climber, unicorn founder, field medalists, loves cats" kind of thing. Yeah not gonna do all that. Prefer dogs anyway.
Not sure what you situation is, but for example if someone has broken up with you, there is a good side to that. And that is you don't have control over them, which is good, as it generalizes as no one has control over you either.
> Chronic Fatigue Syndrome - adjusting expectations is a big thing. "I should have X, Y, Z" or "I used to be able to ..." is replaced with "I do, right now, have a, b, c". This isn't something that can be done in an instant, it can take years. Don't beat yourself up, you are what you are. Other people are what they are.
There is a book called "The Now Habit" which is quite helpful.
Fertility issues. Luckily we came out the other side (IVF) and our baby is due very soon. But never underestimate how much it can shake the foundations of your world.
Each month becomes an absolute rollercoaster of emotions, and you have absolutely no control. You fill yourself with hope (this month is different, I can just feel it!), only to be absolutely crushed time and time again. You curse yourself. You curse the world. It's the worst place I've ever been in.
- We both faced the issue head-on and considered every option. Don't keep things in the dark just because the truth is scary. I know a couple who delayed seeking help because they were fearful they might be told they can't have kids. But now they're both 39, so IVF will be much more difficult.
- Taking time to reflect and keep my negative emotions in check. It's very easy to become bitter & resentful, and begin to hate others. For whatever reason exercise is my "reflection" time.
- Keeping busy with rewarding hobbies (learning guitar, woodworking, etc), so I had things to look forward to.
- Spending quality time with my wife that wasn't just about baby-making.
- Fostering relationships with family & friends. They can be an incredible support network, and the people who really matter will be there for you. But also make sure you're there for them. You're not the only one going through stuff.
The experience has completely changed how I view people around me. You just never know what people are going through.
And never, ever ask a childless couple when they're going to have kids.
Art Against Despair is a book put together by The School of Life. It's arranged with one page of text for each image, so it's an easy serving size when you don't have much time or attention. These are not nice pictures of flowers but, for example, why it's worth spending some time gazing into one of Rothko's black canvases, and for that matter, the darkness inside one's own being.
Lung cancer. I found a higher power, pray all the time, try to view all actions through that lens - of what my higher power would have me do. I’ve never been happier. I was an atheist previously.
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[ 3.3 ms ] story [ 120 ms ] threadA few things: find something short term to focus on; try and get that done. Something as simple as chores around the house. Or maybe a movie or book franchise you want to work your way through. Might be inane, but you need a bit of that.
Don't be afraid to be alone, and to face your thoughts and feelings. It's doesn't feel great, but it's a necessary part of the journey.
Don't put yourself under pressure to get back on your feet, and be social and productive immediately. Stick to the routine, but don't be hard on yourself if you're not doing your best.
Most importantly, for the long term, just try and remember that things change. Your crisis may feel overpowering and all encompassing now, but it WILL NOT last. All you need is time. You'll benefit from other things along the way--hobby, support, friendship, etc.--but you WILL need time, no matter what else you get, support-wise.
Just think of all the people who have survived worse and lived to enjoy life later - POWs, prisoners, holocaust/gulag survivors, etc.
Others might derive drive from knowing someone depends on them, or will.
Some of us endure jobs we hate and more just because. What else would we do? This might be as good as it gets, and that's OK.
This gives you a plan and the feeling that you are back into control, that you can fight back.
Hope is only about tomorrow, in the long term we are all dead.
First is that sometimes event happens that just suck, and your life will suck until you can get away from that situation for a while e.g. a loved one dies, life sucks for a while. The only option is to embrace the situation and bear it with whatever grace you can muster.
Second is that a life that is stably worth living is one with multiple pillars of support. Mine are family, friends, hiking, reading, and my career. Because I have so many sources of joy and comfort, some of these can fall through (e.g. It's ok if I don't see friends for a few weeks) and life is still worth living. Learn to build and sustain these pillars in your life.
Third, in support of the second point, a life worth living requires a bare minimum of resources. Figure out what that is for you, figure out a plan that will give you that minimum, then execute.
Fourth, "a life worth living" may not always be happy, but might instead be "fulfilling". To the second and third points, setting yourself a goal and making concrete steps is something I and many others find fulfilling. Not realizing this till later in life is one of my bigger regrets.
Best of luck.
Focusing on myself and what I can control. Focusing on improving my physical wellness, in whatever ways I can---we are more than our minds. Focusing on being a good friend to myself---not beating myself down with self-criticism.
I've also found great help in a support group---for me it's been Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families. "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change" (even though I don't really believe in God), developing greater love for myself, and all that. Realizing that whatever I'm struggling with, I'm not alone.
The observation that, given time, things can get better.
The observation that getting involved in any positive endeavor, whether my own work, or collaborations with others, helps me feel better about life. That working toward any worthwhile goal, no matter how small, be it as simple as cleaning my own counter, can put fresh wind in my sails.
The observation that people grow, and change, that it takes all kinds, that feelings of overwhelming crisis are important feelings, but not facts. That people have bounced back from terrible life disasters, and gone on to do amazing things. That everybody, even those we most admire, has an "annus horribilis" or two.
Tackling my despairing thoughts using techniques of cognitive behavior therapy. Realizing that even if I can't prove that everything will be okay, it is far, far better to live with the hope that overall, things will work out. Letting myself believe that I am a good enough person. Letting the pursuit of perfection drive me, but not letting it drive me into the ground.
Establishing positive routines.
Learning more about other people and how they've faced life---perhaps I can change my approach?
Reading less news; refusing to doomscroll. Reading things of substance instead. Allowing myself to establish a psychological boundary between the real horrors that happen in a world of 7 billion people, and my own life and the lives of the people I'm close to. EDIT: I actually explicitly limit my news consumption to a finite amount of time each week, using the LeechBlock browser extension. And yes, that includes Hacker News!
Getting a pet.
Meditating.
Writing poetry, essays, and stories.
Eating the occasional hot pastrami sandwich.
Whatever you are going through, things can get better.
Human beings are incredibly adaptable creatures. It just takes time, and experience.
These are just some things I have found helpful; there's a whole world of other approaches out there. Who knows what you don't know right now, but will one day learn?
Wishing you the best.
2. Putting things in perspective. This may be in form of getting your priorities checked, identifying the right steps forward, and taking your babysteps in that path even if it sucks, even if you feel like shit, even if at times you can't do much, even if it feels like a plateau you can't get out of.
3. Being around people who are willing to listen to you. The right ones are the ones that are willing to listen to you but won't give you any unsolicited advice. It's tough to make life decisions too when you're emotional, sometimes you have to give it time to really digest where the fuck you are and where you're heading at. These may be your family, friends, acquaintances, even strangers. Express what you're going through, communicate it, tell the story about it, cry and laugh about it, embrace it.
4. Get some hookers and cocaine. Just kidding, feel free to let yourself unwind a bit BUT make sure you don't too far in a downward spiral of shitty life choices in making yourself feeling a little good. This includes eating shit food, not being physically active, not socializing, and even being dependent on drugs or whatever form of crutches. Please don't make those mistakes.
After another particularly awful day where I stayed home in bed, I decided to give the prescription he'd written me a shot. I felt it working by two weeks in. It was very noticeable. My mother passed away about two months after I started, and I often wonder how badly I would've handled that if I'd not been using this medication. My doc told me it works well for about 1/3 of the people who take it, works a little for another 1/3, and doesn't work at all for the remainder, who must then hop around to other drugs till they find one that sticks.
Lots of people are against medication, and I get that mindset. There's also evidence that comes out occasionally that says "SSRIs don't work" or something similar, and I don't really care -- there's no doubt in my mind that it's working _for me_. It's very night-and-day and I wish I'd had this from high school onward.
I had a kid to look after (who was also suffering) who had to get up, go to school (most days he was able to -- the ritual helped). I had pets to feed, dog needed walks. I couldn't just lie in bed and justifiably feel miserable for myself. Friends would drag me out, inviting me to things. Kid had events that required showing up.
And slowly, and eventually, I recovered to some degree.
Without an external forcing function though I don't really understand how ppl in such situations don't just fade away. I have noticed some people replace grief with anger. I wonder if that's really better; I'd imagine it would be even more corrosive.
In one of his novels (SiaSL?) Heinlein had a character follow a doctrine of "I'll get over this eventually, so why not now?" That is absurd.
All these things gave me the energy to get out of bed. I was a dead husk of a person, a total piece of shit, but eventually I got back up.
That, and a huge load of psychological introspection to figure pit why I had those feelings in the first place.
I can’t lie these worked out shockingly well, when I was younger, but I just don’t have the energy now nor do I have anyone/thing to motivate that anger.
Focus on a few things you can control. Work on them every day. Find others who can help you. Sometimes the best way to find them is to help someone else. It not only takes your mind off your own problems, but good friendships can form when several people need each other and can offer some help and support to the others. That is one of the reasons that groups like AA can succeed.
(I never knew the name of it until recently, but it's called "The Stockade Paradox" https://bigthink.com/health/stockdale-paradox-confronting-re...
I also have an inbuilt system where I just stop doing things when the bucket is full. It renders me temporarily unreliable but it’s a reliable way of shedding unnecessary load.
First. Vitriol and knowing "one day this too will pass" - even if that is my death.
Why the fuck should I lie down and simply take this life crap? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ldBhDmvWFXE
Even if someone else (or other anthropomorphic force, like cancer, death etc) is going to win, that doesn't mean I have to make it fucking easy for them!
After a while ... once you accept things are what they are ... it gets easier.
And one day ... maybe a while away ... you have joy.
It exists. And you deserve it as much as anyone.
I now laugh at crazy success quips people put on their bios. "Everest climber, unicorn founder, field medalists, loves cats" kind of thing. Yeah not gonna do all that. Prefer dogs anyway.
Not sure what you situation is, but for example if someone has broken up with you, there is a good side to that. And that is you don't have control over them, which is good, as it generalizes as no one has control over you either.
There is a book called "The Now Habit" which is quite helpful.
Each month becomes an absolute rollercoaster of emotions, and you have absolutely no control. You fill yourself with hope (this month is different, I can just feel it!), only to be absolutely crushed time and time again. You curse yourself. You curse the world. It's the worst place I've ever been in.
The experience has completely changed how I view people around me. You just never know what people are going through.And never, ever ask a childless couple when they're going to have kids.
The fact that my family, my kid needs me helps immensely to the point where you simply have no time to suffer from personal issues.