Getting Out of a Rut
Feels like my body has been running on autopilot. The consequence of which life just seems to go by even faster. Losing the ability to relax and the feeling of self-control, over-indulging in endless feeds of videos, games and services that further drain the energy that I so crave to return. To a point where it feels more like an addiction, with my body now responding with physical discomforts and a relapse of anxiety that I have not felt for years.
But I think everything’s going to be alright.
Getting out of bed is a drag, my apartment might be a bit messy, work and relationships not going as well I’d like, procrastinated every possible task that needs to be done.. You know. Right now, I’m just surprised to find myself writing about it whilst grateful to be acknowledging that I’m in a rut.
I'm motivated to get out of this. At the same time I’m scared I’ll just go back to autopilot on Monday.
In February, I’ll become a father and I want to be there for my son.
Where do I go from here?
116 comments
[ 3.1 ms ] story [ 178 ms ] threadTalk to someone too. Not commiserate, which isn’t helpful, but someone who could help or offer objective advice or just even understand you better after you say your piece.
But it works the other way around, if the game becomes the primary means of satisfying those needs you are going to have a bad time.
I can’t give specific advice, but can say that, for me, getting started on some mildly unpleasant task is far more challenging than the reality of completing it. I can spend hours dreading a five minute task. Knowing that rationally and calling myself out on my own bullshit works for me (a lot, but not all, of the time).
Good luck.
Give your mind and body chance to have a complete switch from the routine.
And it doesn't need to be a 'holiday' - a staycation can be far more relaxing than tiring, stressful, expensive travel.
Be intentional about not getting dragged into videos/games/services - read a physical book or two, walk, exercise. Go on dates, call family.
Taking care of yourself reaffirms to your brain that you value yourself, and will get you moving again in the right direction.
If I may "guess" what's going on:
You are becoming a father but you weren't planning on it, or the mother is not the right person for you, but you feel obligated and so you have no choice?
First of all, you always have a choice. Do your duty, but do it out of your own volition, not out of fear of being seen in a negative light by society / parents / etc.
If you must, try doing things that would upset people whom scold you fear. Quit your job and try to find another one or become independent and work contracts while building up a business.
Do something that you believe in your gut is the right thing to do even though it will upset some people. You will feel such a relief. Now you can act out of your own volition.
Now, do this with every aspect of life. Do what you believe is right. Take people's input if you must, but own the decision and don't be afraid of their reactions.
I mean, unless you mean the process of putting on clean sheets. Obviously, I do that when I wash them (which also obviously isn't every day).
Reasons that you'd want to do this: hygiene (air doesn't get where you sleep - both a good and bad thing), and design (looks as it should).
Meanwhile, design is a circular argument. It only "looks as it should" if you think you should make the bed.
I agree with you, which is why I personally fold down the top half of my bedding.
As for design/looks I likely described this wrong. Bedding is designed to be made full on the bed. It's not a circular argument. The design is best when the bed is made as you can see whatever design is on the pillows, sheet, etc.
Another reason: it's a small accomplishment that could be a good motivator for your day (especially if you're depressed).
The first few months or so it's easy to leave everything to the mother, as the baby is basically just feeding and sleeping and pooping. It seems that you don't need to do much, so can take life easy and take on new projects. Wrong. This is when you need to do the most.
if you have family living nearby who can look after the child that will help a lot. If you don't, then sorry, you just need to accept that the next few years are going to be very demanding for you. If it's an option to relocate to be closer, I would highly suggest you take it.
If you are financially somewhat comfortable (I assume most people in tech are so, more or less), it's better to go independent.
The first few months you will be so busy and stressed out not only from the baby but from the wife too, specially given the possibility that OP is not on good terms with the mother of the child (not even sure if "wife").
Imagine being bossed around not only by your boss at your job that you are apathetic towards, but also by your wife, and obviously by the baby?
Resentment will grow.
Better be in control of at least one thing: your career.
Best thing seems to be to go cold turkey. Instead you could do something meditative (e.g. taking walks, sports) or something that allows you to enter a flow state (e.g. reading a book).
Getting out of bed can be difficult, so it's best done out of habit and without thinking.
Some pointers
Anna Lembke On The Neuroscience of Addiction: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jziP0CEgvOw
Implementation intentions to form new habits: https://sites.google.com/site/unlvhowtolearn/implementation-...
The first thing you can do for yourself is changing your environment, or at least your routine, to as significant degree as you are able to, to avoid those frequently taken pathways in your brain that are wired to familiar signals. Non-familiar is your friend. Becoming a father should be able to help with that. We are highly affected by context, so fixing your room and your appearance will also help.
The second thing you can do yourself is introspection. You have to start to face the music, no matter how painful. You can't run away from your problems Shinji. To be able to deal with them, you have to identify them. Know thyself. This is where a psychologist can be helpful.
The catch is that both of these takes energy, support even, so don't fret if you keep failing, but don't give up either, escapism is not the answer. I have a useful tactic for bridging the intention-action gap:
1. Make it easy (effort) by increasing your ability to act or minimizing cost. Tiny steps, worth doing badly.
2. Make it attractive (reward, incentive), increasing motivation by highlighting benefits.
3. Make it timely.
Time and effort discounts the value of reward. We are wired to obtain rewards as soon as possible, spending the least amount of energy. The solution is to think big in the long-term, but small in the short-term. The cumulative effect takes care of the rest.
Besides this tactic of how to act, you need a strategy (what to do, what not to do, how to avoid bad cumulative effects, how to promote good ones) and a direction (how you perceive reality, flexibility, self-compassion helps here, as do a psychologist).
Again, don't forget, motivation is temporary. Small changes and improvements every day are cumulative. It still takes energy, support even, which is where fitness, sports, talking to the people in your life, making new friends can help. You can't always do it on your own.
Something like "I think I have a depression. I want to get better I need support to do that. Could you help me by being a body double/help me clean my apartment/whatever?"
Involving other people creates accountability, which can help with the motivation on rough days
Finally, I'd also recommend seeing a mental health professional to determine if it's necessary to get treatment (which could be cognitive therapy, medication, or a mixture of both)
I read about how important energy is, how energy management is key to everything. And the best way I read is to manage energy and not crash by the end of the day which can give that balance you need to keep going everyday without wavering from your goal(s).
But I seldom read about how to replenish energy effectively or how to have enough energy that by the end of the day you don't crash but have enough energy to keep doing things you want to do.
At the end of the day you are just one flimsy person in this big pile of spaghetti, surviving the best you can, so you have to learn to let it go. Not entirely, not to the point of an accelerated decay, but to the point of not taking life and yourself too seriously. You have to be like water.
All the listicles which talk about ways to replenish your energy talk about various healthy habits, and mostly psychological things which isn't possible in anyone who is struggling in this century or rich enough to delegate tasks and pass on the stressors.
If we cannot effectively replenish energy or manage our energy, I wonder where does it leave us?
And it feels like with certain healthy habits you can maximize your energy levels per day and achieving that likely means you have improved your life but beyond that there isn't much you could do to make the most of it. So eventually you comprise with yourself at some point?
So the intuitive idea that you start with a burst of motivation and then you maintain it with discipline is wrong. Motivation is exactly the kind of impulsive distraction that destroys discipline.
Starting with discipline means rejecting random motivation when it comes, just like you might want to reject candy or lighting up a joint. Starting with discipline means you make the commitment first, and you fight to stick to it without any of the motivational high.
From that lens, I started seeing "get my life together" thoughts at 1am to be as bad as the worst impulses I struggle with.
https://youtu.be/TImmiAS1USQ
I also am very interested and very skeptical of the idea of limiting my action and not let it consume my energy. I thrive in flow state, so the idea of not giving into the flow state but instead cap it to few hours feels a little strange to me.
Gotta admit, on the first read I missed OP's announcement that he's about to become father already.
Just for the record, do not have a child as an attempt to escape depression :)
You might be temporarily applying lipstick to a pig which will gain you a bit of time, but it's not like it magically fixes any of the underlying issues.
If anything, it eventually loads far more stress onto you, making depression and burnout worse.
If you are the mother you're more likely to experience postpartum depression. Even fathers experience depression. I have had to work full time, do household chores on top of keeping the baby happy, who didn't sleep well at all at night and even now does not. You're going to miss deadlines, fail to meet expectations, do lousy job of your assignments. All of that will or will not affect you, physically and/or mentally.
Ask yourself honestly: What are the trends that characterize the strengths and weaknesses of my family’s lineage? What are the cycles? How do I break them? How do I organize around a new one that will protect my own children from how I feel? What is the objective for humanity, truly? Are we to merely eat, accumulate wealth, frolic and procreate like hares and squirrels? Protest, program and attempt to prolong our inevitable in-existence on earth?
- take a break, go to vacation for 2 weeks
- get a regular sleep schedule with 8 hours.
- have a healthy diet without sugar (dopamine)
- do some exercise and cleaning instead of videos and games
- try L-theanine (possibly with caffeine). It helped me a ton in similar situations.
Disclaimer: not a doctor, just narrating my experience. I would talk to your doctor and see if all is good there.
Get out of the house for several hours a day, even if it is just walking around aimlessly, as it will give you perspective and clear your mind; the physical exercise won't hurt either.
This is something we all go through at some stage of our lives - it is normal, don't fall into the trap of thinking otherwise.
Android: https://support.google.com/android/answer/9346420
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The way I looked at it was that I was in a local maximum of wellbeing. Less than I wanted to feel, but feeling "trapped" to do anything about it as any deviation from the comfort zone required me to leave that local maximum for a bit... even if there were higher heights beyond it
Social, romantic, career... all was just "not great but manageable". Good for today, but a sense of dread staying in the same place for years
I started just getting involved in any activity to improve the areas important to myself of for "I always wanted to do this" leisure. I wanted to volenteer teaching kids math... reached out to my network, and I was flexible enough to pivot volenteering for a schoolteacher running for political office. I knew I would feel exhaused doing so. And, the first little while I absolutely was
But, I find lots of truth in the quote "if you want something done, give it to a busy person". With small pockets for rest and relaxation accounted for, you'd be supprised what you can accomplish with your free time
Once I was volenteering, it was almost uncanny how I noticed I started going on many more meaningful dates, good prospective job interviews and strengthening/growing my social circles after a few months. Less time, but way more accomplished than when I was doing nothing. It was almost like I overcame the inertia of staying stagnant
"Oh, I have a date coming up tomorrow but I'm on the campaign trail now? No time to wallow or procrastinate about cleaning my apparment; I only have the time once I get back tonight. I'll do it without thinking"... that's how I noticed my prespective shifted durring that time
Things improved from there. Since my election has been over and I no longer contribute to the party, I've noticed myself slipping back into the inertia of inaction. I'm literally on my computer now researching to join a comedy club and volenteer in education for real this time
If I'd recommend anything from my annacdotal experience, just focus on joining some club for leisure, exercise, professional or "higher purpose" reasons... anything really. Some community. Even if it's just a weekly dog walk with a friend. Perhaps my own personal taste/annacdote, I found things social in nature pushed me further and had more accountability to not let the group down (i.e, a workout class with peers worked much better than a 1on1 personal trainer). The peer support and different prespectives help you get out of your head/thought loops. You will be exhaused the first month or two. However, once you stabilize, I noticed that my proactivity to carve out a more meaningul and plesant life started to snowball
I agree with all the health/hygiene comments here too. I just found that the "top down" approach with activity gave me the motivation to establish the habbit. The "bottom up" methods made those habbits fizzle out after a month
Not trying to connect the dots - but perhaps you’re anxious and scared about being a parent with someone you don’t want to be with longterm and you feel conflicted? (Been there myself)
I know it’s hard to pinpoint source of such spirals but try your best to be there for your child - let that be the motivation and guiding star (not work) and I can assure you you’ll be excited about life again when the focus is not on you!
For starters - put together a nursery and baby proof the house. I can assure that alone will have your place organized and super clean. Take parenting class and meet others.
You’ll be an awesome father my dear friend and congratulations!
I ended up seeking a psychiatrist who put me on prozac and wellbutrin, and started doing weekly therapy. It helped a lot, and I'm doing much better these days and I am no longer on the medication, just doing talk therapy.
For you, I would say consider seeking help from a psychiatrist, and just talk to them. They won't always put you on medication.
But I think more importantly, you should look for a therapist that you like and helps you. I was fortunate to find a great one on my first try, but talking to my therapist just lets me air all my life grievances, feel heard, and helps me just let go of things that don't matter.
It sounds like your symptoms are different than mine, so I think it makes sense to seek help from a professional.
Best of luck, this is a great first step to seeking help though, best of luck OP.
First things first, do see a medical professional.
Secondly. I find I have to take quite a holistic approach to my life to keep on an even keel. Regular moderate exercise (whatever you enjoy and are likely to keep up, doesn't have to be much). Regular sleep schedule. Get outside lots, ideally in green spaces. The sun and elements on your face is really important. Clean up the diet too. Don't go crazy here but be sensible with sugar, reduce alcohol intake, reduce caffeine. Up the fruit and veg intake.
I also need a hobby or interest that really engages me. For me it's piano but finding something that recharges you and makes you feel switched on, really helps.
Other things that help me are relaxation exercises, doesn't have to be meditation, but something of that nature. Start to gently train your mind to unwind, bit by bit. Low intensity yoga is also excellent here.
Trying to foster self compassion, and compassion for those around you, can really dampen those low feelings for me too. Try to feel you are enough, you are suffering but doing your best, and we all share this nature. Suffering and compassion can connect you to others too.
Obviously, this is very personal advice. It depends on the specific underlying causes. As someone who has to deal with low energy, mood and some anxiety sometimes, but not acute mental illness, these have been life savers for me.
When I was at a similar point I decided to commit myself to a physical practice. I didn’t know what it would be, but I knew changing my body and my relation to it would somehow unlock things. It’s going to look different for everyone, but for me I started by conquering my fear of swimming (early childhood trauma from drowning). I then started going to a gym, didn’t love it, but took some strength classes and did a lot of cardio on the rowing machine. I then fell into an intense physical yoga practice of 5x week for three years, which was life changing. Then I found myself training Muay Thai. Just find something that works for you and where your body is at. As a music teacher of mine said to me, there’s nothing wrong with being where you’re at, just keep practicing.
In the midst of all that I spent two years in therapy, during which time I wrote in a journal every day (based off of morning pages from the artist’s way). It was super helpful to have an established physical practice while working with a therapist, as a lot of stuff comes up and often times the best thing to do is to move it physically out of your body (check out “The Body Keeps the Score” if you haven’t yet).
But, don’t think too much about the whole path. Just start with a single commitment to something and keep walking.
Have as much quality rest as you can and find the best therapist you can.
Those are obly advices i wish someone gave mme in your situation
When you get a flat tire you can catastrophically repeat over and over to yourself that "I've got a flat!" and point at it and run circles around the car and wonder what you're going to do and "omg I've got a flat this is terrible", or you can start telling yourself the story of the actions you're taking to fix the flat: 1) I'm finding the jack, 2) I'm loosening the lugs 3) I've got the spare ready, 4) you get the idea...
Reclaim your power and focus on the positive actions you are taking as minute as those seem in the moment. Meditate deeply on those, maybe even journal them daily so you force your brain to stare at the evidence that while you might feel like you're in a rut you are logically taking good steps through this rut experience.
Btw, don't underestimate the impact of the stresses of coming fatherhood, you've got a lot going on unconsciously that's less a "rut" and more like your entire biology reconfiguring itself for a new daily role. You do need to make some changes, ideally make a list of what your brain is telling you to change, but you'll be OK man.
I don’t want to get too meta, or say you’re wrong, but there’s a lot of us that are very much right in the middle of this pandemic. And it contributes to the rut.
If you live in a household that is collectively protecting a loved one who is immunocompromised, this pandemic hasn’t gone anywhere in the past two and a half years.
Shoot- even if you just don’t want to get covid, or long covid, or spread it through the community. It’s been a hard experience being part of the minority not pretending things are ‘back to normal’.
That’ll put ya in a rut.
Now our health care systems are at the edge of their breaking point, people disregard spreading it through the community. We’re likely hitting another wave soon. Not good.
In the US, we have had a sustained 400-500 dying a day. The 4th leading cause of death, on average. That’s a huge deal for something that didn’t exist a few years ago, but no one cares.
Then there’s an economy that is being hit hard by millions of people with long covid symptoms that can’t work anymore. We don’t have an answer for that yet. But who cares.
But the sad part is I think you’re probably right. At least in the US, we are rugged individualists. Public health takes a back seat to that, because it would mean changing one’s one behavior for the good of many. So yeah, what else is there to do as a society.
Are you saying this is still currently happening? If so, I'm curious where you're getting this number from. The CDC says the current 21 day rolling average is 358 deaths[0].
Edit: I just wanted to add, if this is the case then the deaths per 100,000 is approximately 358/300,000,000*100,000 = 0.1193 over that 21 day period. If I did those calculations correctly and the statistics don't fail if I try to calculate a deaths per 100K based off a rolling average, then this means you're about 100 times more likely to die from a car crash[1] then covid right now.
[0]: https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/covid-data/covidvi...
[1]: https://crashstats.nhtsa.dot.gov/Api/Public/ViewPublication/...
Ok, so 2566 weekly deaths from covid: https://covid.cdc.gov/covid-data-tracker/#datatracker-home
That’s 366 per day currently. The crash stats you linked to say 36,096 deaths from crashes in 2019.
366 x 365 = 133,798
So what I see is there’s currently 3.7 times as many people dying from covid in US that from crashes.
Struggling with anxiety and depression for 20+ years, I find little activities help show my brain I’m not in a rut, I’m finding progress every day. Start with good sleep to refresh yourself, better nutrition to power your body, daily exercise to burn off stress and being mindful of the little moments. Having those four wheels spinning is needed for daily traction.
And now as a Dad, those little activities involve making pancakes or pushing a swing. Hard to see the rut when your kid is smiling back. Prioritize that time with them, it goes fast!
Changing a flat has been done a million times so it a known blueprint you can follow, its easier to do such things even when you don't feel like doing it as it requires very little (mental)energy to do something you are instructed to do without the burden of responsibility, consequences and the certain nature of conclusion from it.
Whereas when it comes to your own life, vague steps are given and each of your action leads to some consequence which you have to tackle. You could face uncertainty in every step. You can lay down the steps other people take to get out of rut but you can be certain your path and your journey will be different from theirs which is scary and likely to add more stress.
So your point of claiming your power and focus is the real key imo, you gain that which gives you to confidence and the will power to handle uncertainty even when you are scared.
I apologize if this came out very confusing as I feel I could write a blog post about it with my scattered thoughts so its hard to condense my thought process into a smaller message.