Ask HN: What mindset change made the biggest positive change for you?
Always curious about these things, because I think too much about how to think, what to think, how best to be etc... it can be in any domain, no matter how small, if it made a difference to you, i'm curious, how/why.
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[ 3.4 ms ] story [ 76.4 ms ] threadWhenever I'm feeling down or off, if I can remember to begin enumerating all the people and aspects of my life I'm grateful for, it has a tremendous and powerful positive effect.
Focus on one thing at a time and finish it.
Sleep matters
It's nearly impossible to fail out of tech; we're made. We'll all retire just fine. So why worry?
Life is for the living
Love and compassion is what gives meaning
After this trip, I began to build my life in such a way that I always have some time dedicated to science, and I also lost interest in spending time and youth in such a stupid way as video games. I became aware of some of the sources of pain in my daily life and stopped being vulnerable to it. Now I am not afraid that life goes on because I do the right thing.
> And what specifically responded to you in stoicism?
Understanding of wisdom versus stupidity. Their respect to mathematics and other sciences. My inability to formulate any criticism of this framework.
Do whatever useful thinking you want consciously and whenever you are aware that your mind is wandering, just notice it. I agree it is easier said that done and it needs practice
I used to be in a social circle that felt cliquey and revolving around status, and would have panic attacks because I never felt emotionally safe and never felt like I had a true loving base.
Once I made a point to be positive, polite, respect boundaries and ignore trying to be something I’m not, I became a more empathetic, optimistic, and fun person.
I put out good energy, appreciate those who return it, and don’t sweat those who don’t.
Getting older was a big part of it and surrounding myself with people who value hard work and empathy.
1. Bias
2. Ego and pride baked in to justify their own lives
3. Fear that you may succeed in a way that invalidates their life decisions
To harp more on this, some people's social status is built on what is basically lies. "I'm an entrepreneur", when in fact they have never made a dime from their own business. Or, "I am a genius programmer", but are really just a mediocre mid level dev at Google. But their life partner, and close friends may sustain and build upon that false reality. Understanding these dynamics earlier in life would have gotten me very far
That is, the thought only caused me significant pain if I honestly thought it was true -- a part of who I am, a part of my story, a part of my life in some way.
The most I practice mindfulness, the more I'm able to be mindful to my attachment to certain thoughts in the moment. As soon as I see this attachment as it is, the power it holds over me dissolves a bit and the pain I feel around it almost magically slips away.
It's "not for everyone" though, to put it mildly. It is also not without negative consequences.
> I am responsible for every single thing that happens in my life.
The power in this mindset is that it eliminates all excuses and makes you the captain of your destiny. The truth is, the vast majority of the things that happen in our lives, whether in the next 10 minutes or the next 10 years is ultimately the result of our decisions. Whenever anything bad happens, I always ask myself: what could I have done differently to have a better outcome or to have prevented that bad thing from happening in the first place? And without fail, there were always things I could've done differently or better. Then I take those learnings and apply them in the future in similar situations to have better outcomes.
Yes, obviously there is noise and randomness in the world outside of our control, but in the long term those things get averaged out and what you are left with are all of the decisions you made in your life that got you to where you are today. Most of the time, I've found that things aren't how we want them to be not because of the things that we did, but because of the things we didn't do. Achieving your goals often requires you to endure great suffering. Most people aren't willing to do that, so they never get what they want.
The alternative is to be a hapless victim buffeted by the winds of fate. That is a terrible way to live life.
Of course there will be some bad things that happen that are really a bolt from the blue. Maybe you're walking on a sidewalk and a car careens out of nowhere, hits you, and you end up being paralyzed from the waist down. Or god forbid you get cancer. But I maintain that the best way to handle any and every situation (including those terrible ones) is to not get emotional but focus on what you can do to make the most of it. At the end of the day, we all have to play the cards we're dealt. How you play them will ultimately decide whether or not you achieve the life you want.
So your results may vary. I have found that being scathingly honest about where I do have agency (as you mention in your last paragraph) is very helpful.
It is so easy to put pressure, shame, and negativity onto yourself, to a degree that you never would for anyone else. It has been very helpful at times to ask "What would I say to a good friend who was in the same situation as me?". Almost always, it is a complete 180 from the aweful things I would tell myself. Knowing that I have the ability to be just as compassionate to myself as I strive to be towards others, has been huge.
Meaning is a more solid foundation to build a life around. It will get you through dark times, but it surprised me how much more I appreciated happiness as a result.
We are like cosmic ants on our little ant hill of a planet that can be kicked over by any number of events not least self inflicted annihilation through nuclear war.
It makes sense to me that most people without meaning will fall into distraction, hedonism or nihilism.
In a way I was lucky as my meaning was thrust on me as a parent. The best way I've heard it put is that the voluntary acceptance of responsibility creates meaning. That said, I was never going to shirk my responsibilities as a parent.
Having someone else who needed me gave me the meaning necessary to endure enormous suffering, to never let go, and to keep pushing through.
If I wasn't a parent I don't know how I would have done.
It's strange now to reflect because my life is so much better now and I'm oddly thankful for the ordeal.
Such negative attitudes and negative views have been a long-standing part of my depression, and repeating them constantly and believing in them made my life palpably worse.
By not focusing on the negative, not focusing on the past nor on things I can not change, but focusing on the positive and hopeful things about myself, my future, and the world, I have been able to move forward in a positive direction rather than continuing to spiral downwards.
When feeling frustrated with someone I care about or that is close to me, instead of trying to fix or change them or wanting them to be different, accepting without any contingency that this is exactly who they are and will be.
That's the truth. It's just uncomfortable for those with money and not enough courage to admit it.
In other words, looking backwards, that what we are today and have today, is the result of everything we chose, did, said, and even thought, in the past. So by wielding the power of preparation, we are able to influence our own future.
Example 1: Order that nice dress today, to feel better next week at that friend's party. (Prepare a great gift, so you make them extra happy.)
Example 2: Get that driver's license this year, to take that roadtrip in the mountains next year.
Example 3: Buy groceries on this windy/rainy day for dietary purpose, to feel healthier and lighter before year end.
Much more effective than thinking about what I "should" do.
And saying "yeah, I fucked up, X happened and I did Y because of Z that turned out to be mistake because this an that" then proceeding to fix it.
Shuts up people that think it's more important to find the blame than to solve the problem real quick. It's hard at first, especially when coming from environment where mistake = failure (school system...) but freeing once you get used to it.
If you're struggling, search harder. Specifically, search. Not work--you're probably already working hard if you're struggling. But so many problems people have are proximity based, and sometimes you need to exhaust your search options before you figure out that the problem you had is really difficult to solve, because nearly no one is addressing it on a statistical basis.
This applies to finding a good price on repairs, finding a decent paying job, or understanding if you're solving a general solution in a known suboptimal way.
Search harder. A lot of our actions depend on the information we collect and how we process it to make decisions. And most people you know aren't going out of their way to understand what information they have at their disposal. They're making decisions based on what is in front of them.
And a lot of life we live today is based on interactions we make with people we don't know thinking a lot about how they can be the one to present information to us, and sometimes by explicitly leaving alternative information out.
I hope that helps you see life through a different prism.
Then ignore the rest. If one of your concerns bubbles up again, it was probably important enough to reprioritize.
It was a bit tricky at first, because people might think I'm ignoring them (or even somewhat autistic), so the shell has to be personable and pay attention and act like a normal human being. The real benefit, however, is that the whole 'triggered' thing (rather prevalent in today's society) just stops being a problem, and you get a little breathing space in which to think about how best to respond to someone.