Learn how to change diapers. Be understanding. Wake up in the middle of the night with your child when you can and while it makes sense (some mothers want to split feeding duties and some don’t). Be a partner and recognize that while there’s a lot on your partner during this time you both brought this human into the world.
I suppose every person with functional testes counts as a "potential father." I didn't see the poll -- do you mean people with children on the way?
I raised three children. I don't have a lot of advice to offer because you make it up as you go. That happens because every child comes with a personality, as a unique individual. You need a lot of patience. Raising children takes up a lot of time and energy, so the more help you have from a spouse/partner and family the better. And you need to remember that you don't get to shape or coerce your child into something you want. They will have their own ideas.
My wife and I agreed on a few rules before we had our first child. We never hit our children for any reason, not even a spanking. We didn't raise our voices to them. We never forced them to do anything against their will except for a few cases of potentially serious injury or death.
My mother tried to frame mistakes I made in terms of the behavior rather than as something inherent to her kids. She would say "You did a wrong thing" rather than "You are a bad person." I tried to remember that with my own kids. Children make lots of mistakes and will try your patience as they get older, so you will have plenty of chances to hone your skills.
First thing is, as father, lose your pride, lose your ego, allow others in life to take the front of the stage. Mother and children can come first, you can have your needs take a step back for a while.
This won’t be relevant till later, but…. My policy is to never punish. Instead, when your kids “misbehave”, start by questioning yourself if they know the expected behavior. Explain what is expected.
Be kind. Play a role. Support your wife. Earn the bread.
- I didn't feel connected to my son until he was nine months old. At which time I traveled for work and heard another baby cry-- this induced sudden anxiety in me that required me to call home immediately. I puzzled at this until I realized I had developed a paternal instinct. This grew over time. My 28 year-old lives with his wife in my home and I'm glad of it. Moral: don't worry if the birth of your child is not "the greatest day of your life" because it was definitely not for me.
- Becoming a parent is like joining a monastery. Really. You are cut off from your friends. Your life becomes a series of chores in devotion to a higher being. It is exhausting and nobody tells you this beforehand for some reason.
- We never let our child be alone in a room, crying. I realize that there are strong feelings about this, but we chose "attachment parenting" and are happy with it. It's possible that it led to our son having little interest in having adventures in the wide world. It's hard to know what's right, but this felt right.
- Growing a child is like growing a plant of an unknown species. You don't know if they need more water or less; more sunlight or less. You may be an oak tree, but the child may be a rose bush. So you just have to listen and try things.
- I interacted with my son on the theory that anything I say to him when he is three, he will remember when he is thirty. So I always spoke to him with respect.
- Never argue with a toddler about how its time to get in the car. When they scream "no" just wait 45 seconds and ask again. The answer will turn to yes within a couple of minutes with no arguing or yelling needed.
- No matter how it looks, your child is always watching you. If he resists being taught (as mine did), just do things around him that he can witness.
- My son resisted learning how to read and write. But when we was twelve he responded to a one paragraph writing assignment by writing 30,000 words (in one big paragraph). He wrote and published a novel before he was 21. So, be patient.
- This is how hard it is to be a mother: my wife once floated the idea of putting my infant son up for adoption. I realized she was suffering from extreme exhaustion and post-natal depression and we dealt with that. But, geez, that's how hard it is. Sometimes you just feel you can't go on unless you get a break.
I don’t understand why people say you stop seeing your friends after having children! Me and my wife are still going out and seeing friends and practicing out hobbies and our kid is approaching the 4th month of age…
If the mother is breastfeeding, help her sleep when baby sleeps. If she doesn't things can get overwhelming fast.
It's such a time commitment learning to breastfeed and it's emotionally overwhelming. The lactation consultants all said there should be no pain if the latch is good. That is a lie. Multiple mothers have told us it hurts for the first few weeks. But it gets painless after that.
My son is 8 weeks old. We're just starting to find our feet.
For me, it was an incredibly difficult time to adjust. I'm selfish with my time, I need me time, I need creative thinking - and it went away.
It's easy to become a shadow of your former self trying to be the best father. My advice is, find balance. Find time for yourself, make time for your partner. She will need that time alone too.
Your job as a father, during the first year, is to make sure the baby survives. That's it. Don't think you'll always be able to make it stop crying, or think you can attend to its every need. You'll be lucky if you can put it to sleep. The first year is rough, baby wants mum, a lot. You're the supporting actor, you won't be the lead act. It will feel unfair, that no matter how hard you try, you can't deliver.
Finally, know that the first 6 months are the hardest. It gets easier, and the 2nd year is easier than the first, etc. Don't lose yourself and be patient, compassionate, and understand: life won't be your life anymore. It's about the family's and it hurts, but it's so much deeper and so much more interesting. This will be the biggest growth you'll ever accomplish as an adult, becoming a father.
So enjoy the best of it (they grow up so fast), and brush off the bad parts. Embrace dad jokes and becoming that dad, because humour is the best weapon to the loss of your personal life.
> My advice is, find balance. Find time for yourself, make time for your partner.
Unhappy stressed out parents create unhappy stressed out kids.
Sometimes you have to be selfish in the short term so you can be a better parent in the long term. Its a balance but you shouldn't feel guilty about it.
The same could be said of any post-natal surgery for congenital birth defects, such as club foot or cleft lip. Many can go without surgery and live their entire lives without developing early-onset arthritis or feeding issues. These days, and in the vast majority of cases, a person can live a relatively healthy and long life without surgery for congenital arrhythmia. But I have never heard or read wholesale condemnations of preventive infant surgery to mitigate, if not prevent, the outcomes of the aforementioned defects. In fact, the opposite is true; Someone (usually a parent or doctor) is expected to do something at the earliest possible moment, even if the issue left untreated would only have a negligible chance of getting "worse" in terms of health or otherwise.
I agree that there's no medical reason for indiscriminate circumcision at birth, or, for that matter, indiscriminate surgery of any kind at any time. After all, that's what circumcision is: surgery. However, the poster I responded to did not make that distinction. Another poster simply posted the word "propaganda". Given what I've read, I'm convinced that many of these anti-circumcision posts are motivated by animus — whether of genital surgery in its entirety or the religious elements associated with it — rather than a well-thought critique of the practice in secular and instrumental terms.
A wholesale dismissal of circumcision is as unthinking as a blind acceptance of it. Instead, each case must be assessed on its own merits. Unfortunately, I rarely see my particular position shared by anyone else.
> However, the poster I responded to did not make that distinction.
Because it was implicit - we are discussing circumcision of infants, not circumcision of adult males with phimosis.
> Given what I've read, I'm convinced that many of these anti-circumcision posts are motivated by animus — whether of genital surgery in its entirety or the religious elements associated with it
Of course it's motivated by animus - mutilation of infants is disgusting. It should not be done, unless explicitly needed in individual cases due to medical issues, just like any other kind of amputation. Speculation of religious hatred is completely uncalled for.
> Instead, each case must be assessed on its own merits. Unfortunately, I rarely see my particular position shared by anyone else.
Yes, and the first step is to stop mutilating children in general just for the sake of mutilating children in general.
> Because it was implicit - we are discussing circumcision of infants, not circumcision of adult males with phimosis.
Infant phimosis exists and it generally requires circumcision. Regarding the post I replied to, I'm not obligated to divine implicit claims from absolute statements. If someone has made an absolute claim with with no stated qualifications or context whatsoever, that is a fundamental error I have a right to rebut it. No context needed on my part.
> Of course it's motivated by animus - mutilation of infants is disgusting. It should not be done, unless explicitly needed in individual cases due to medical issues, just like any other kind of amputation.
> Yes, and the first step is to stop mutilating children in general just for the sake of mutilating children in general.
Just to reiterate, the first step is to understand the appropriate context for when circumcision is necessary and when it isn't, whether of an infant or adult. People don't mutilate children for the sake of mutilating children. The reasons may vary in quality and acceptability, but the general understanding of why parents and doctors advocate for circumcision is as a means and attempt to make the child's present or future life "better" (for some definition of the word). Whether the reasoning for "better" is acceptable depends on the particular case being examined.
I would also add that almost all surgeries are accomplished by mutilation, even the ones deemed uncontroversial and necessary to save an infant's life. Instead of throwing FUD around with words like "mutilation", it would help your case to make a clear, coherent, and consistent point.
> Speculation of religious hatred is completely uncalled for.
If the animus isn't directed towards the medical practice of circumcision, then by process of elimination it surely must be against its religious practice. Historically, religious figures (to my knowledge, Judaic and Christian) have advocated for circumcision and employed people to undertake the task on behalf of the church/temple/etc. In some sects/denominations, the extra-medical practice of circumcision continues to exist. It would make sense that the anti-circumcision posts have much (if not more) to do with the posters' revulsion towards the faith(s) they grew up in, and of which circumcision is a permanent marker.
> Infant phimosis exists and it generally requires circumcision.
Gangrene also exists and generally requires amputation, but I don't see that as an argument for cutting off all infants' limbs, regardless of their medical state. If people in the US cut off male infants' limbs at birth as tradition, it would be perfectly appropriate to write a comment in the lines of "hey, if you have a boy, don't cut off his limbs".
> I'm not obligated to divine implicit claims from absolute statements
If you put things out of context, conversations won't make sense. Implicit context is an inevitable part of communication - it isn't divine, anyone with half a brain could figure out that when someone says "there's no medical reason for circumcision" that they mean in general, not in all cases without exceptions whatsoever. Nobody in their right mind would argue against surgery in general. Pretending that's the original argument is a form of logical fallacy called "attacking a strawman" - yes, you are right that circumcision can be valid in some cases, but nobody is arguing against that.
> Just to reiterate, the first step is to understand the appropriate context for when circumcision is necessary and when it isn't
Yes, and since there is a culture of circumcising infants indiscriminately in the US, the first step is to tell people to stop doing it for no fucking reason.
> People don't mutilate children for the sake of mutilating children.
This is just plain false - the number of circumcisions in the US that happen because of "my dad circumcised me, so I guess that's how it should be" is very high. It is necessary to fight that kind of pointless mutilation by advising people.
> Instead of throwing FUD around with words like "mutilation", it would help your case to make a clear, coherent, and consistent point.
Here's a clear coherent point: We should tell people not to perform unnecessary surgery on infants in general for no reason. I have a feeling that we've been through this a couple of times already...
> If the animus isn't directed towards the medical practice of circumcision
It is directed towards general, indiscriminatory circumcision - or, to generalize, towards any kind of unneeded medical surgeries, some of which are unfortunately done on infants because of ignorance and tradition.
> It would make sense that the anti-circumcision posts have much (if not more) to do with the posters' revulsion towards the faith(s) they grew up in, and of which circumcision is a permanent marker.
Yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you?
Even if it was true (which you have no way of knowing), the fact that the religion performs surgery on people in order to "mark them" as belonging to the group actually warrants such feelings. The person is never given the right to choose - they were simply marked, with an irreversible surgery, from the moment they were born, without even a chance of changing their minds. If such feelings exist in the poster, I'd definitely sympathize much more with them, than with religious people who feel "attacked" by such feelings.
Notice that the single bit of medical advice in this thread - among the tens of medical decisions you'll have to make and literally thousands of decisions you hope to not need to make - relates to religious aspects. And I'm sure that the guy who posted it was well-meaning, without a hint of religious hate in his blood.
This is a terrific example of the "useful idiot" phenomenon. Those who hate any group - be it Jews or Catholics or Muslims or anybody else - will find something dear to those people and spread seemingly-unrelated advice that negates that group's core values. Then the useful idiots with no hate in mind spread these advice with fervour.
As a Jew, I am aware of the minuscule risks of circumcision. And of course I had my son circumcised because that has been a hallmark of my race (not religion) for literally millennia. And I do other far riskier activities with my son, such as fishing and riding a bicycle and letting him use a knife. But nobody is advising us not to fish or ride a bicycle with our children, despite literally orders of magnitude higher risk.
It's great that you want to uphold a religious tradition that is important to your family, but that is not the case for the majority of people subjected to circumcision. Most are not Jewish and may not even be religious.
Nobody I have ever met is against circumcision because it is a common practice amongst Jews. Everyone I know, including myself, is against it because it is a wholly unnecessary and irreversible procedure forced on a child before the child has the capacity to consent or object to the act. I assume you would be against the Islamic practice of female genital mutilation by cutting off a helpless child’s clitoris, despite the practitioners insistence that it is a hallmark of their culture, because it is barbaric. I just apply that same level of reasonableness to the male organ. And the number of centuries a people have been doing something has no bearing on the quality of the practice.
Edit, to add: I did not intend to imply that female genital mutilation was prevalent in Islam, only that it is done and justified amongst Muslims at a not-insignificant rate.
If the group's core values include mutilating infants, and if the group's values widely affect the actions of the population (as is the case in the US), then it is absolutely neccessary to share advice that goes against those values in order to negate those harmful effects.
You use "miniscule risks" as an argument - the problem isn't the risks of circumcision, it's the circumcision itself. It is (in majority of cases) a completely unneccesary form of mutilation.
It seems to me that your argument boils down to "how dare you tell people mutilating infants is wrong when my culture has been mutilating infants for millenia?". Most people don't circumcise their kids because of religion - and those they do won't listen to this advice anyway.
You should be honest about this. This wasn't really a "race" thing. You *wanted* to do this to your son. You did this without his consent. And you did something that is completely irreversible.
Don't compare this to fishing, riding a bike, or even using a knife. All of those are necessary skills, or at the very least, useful skills for children to know.
You did something that *was actually risky to do*, for literally no other reason other than this awful justification about "race".
And for what its worth, I'm Iranian. So I get how _expected_ it is from culture.
> You should be honest about this. This wasn't really a "race" thing. You *wanted*
> to do this to your son.
It is a race thing, and you are 100% that I wanted to my child to continue the traditions that have kept us distinct for millennia. Of course.
> You did this without his consent. And you did something
> that is completely irreversible.
That is a parent's job - to make these decisions and take the actions. Did you not have your child vaccinated for Polio, Hepatitis, Rotavirus, Diphtheria, Influenzae, Mumps, Rubella, Varicella, Papillomavirus, Tetanus, Meningococcal, Measles, Polysaccharide and Dengue? Is there no risk in and of those vaccines? Did you, as a parent, decide that the risk is worth the benefit?
> Don't compare this to fishing, riding a bike, or even using a knife. All of those
> are necessary skills, or at the very least, useful skills for children to know.
Fair point. I'll compare it to the Western traditions of feeding excessive sugar. Would you say that the addiction and intake of excessive sugar is a necessary skill? Would you say that it carries less risk of harm than circumcision?
> You did something that *was actually risky to do*, for literally no other
> reason other than this awful justification about "race".
Yes. Of course.
> And for what its worth, I'm Iranian. So I get how _expected_ it is from culture.
I understand that many Iranians today are undergoing a shedding of the influence forced upon by foreign interests - mostly in regards to the Islamic and Arab influences. Even the Iranian language is today infected with Arabic words - you'll hardly hear any sentence in Iranian today that is not using Arabic words. And I'm not referring to just the past 40 years, rather, that was a turning point but the process is actually much older. So, as I understand it, today many Iranians are shedding _all_ traditions - not only the Arab traditions but also the distinct Iranian traditions. Correct me if I'm wrong.
So I really do understand your sentiment that traditions have no value. I get it. But I counter that traditions in fact do have value for those who hold them dear. Does a photograph of a parent have value? A photo of your parent has no value to me, but a photo of my parent has value to me - and I suspect vice versa. I am the distinct person I am because of the values that I hold, those values include things that we will most likely agree upon (Do not murder) but I accept that you don't value things that we don't agree upon. That's fine. But recognize that _you_ feel so passionately about circumcision not because of the risk. Other common practices have greater risk with less benefit. Rather, the media that sold you on this viewpoint specifically, had ulterior motives. I have no problem with your opinion. I do have a problem with the fervent obsession that people have with this one specific low-risk activity that Jews do, while ignoring far riskier and more prevalent activities. The media shaped your opinion with motive. Recognize that.
> Don't circumcise (genital mutilate) your kid if he's a boy.
Of the two forms of genital mutilation, why do you explicitly forbid the low-risk procedure while ignoring the high-risk procedure? Are you sure that whoever convinced you of the importance of this issue had no other motive?
They most likely ignored the high-risk one (assuming FGM), because it is unthinkable of and is not even legal to perform in most western countries. Is it even a thing outside of a few ultra-conservative and religious countries/communities in Africa and Middle East?
The message is obvious by anyone willing to read between the lines. Circumcision is singled out not for risk, or harm, or agency. Far more risky and harmful things are done to children with no agency with no qualm nor opposition. And certainly not with the fervor of the anti-circumcision crowd.
There is nothing to read between the lines bere. Circumcision is "singled out" because that's the only one that realistically might happen to a child born in the west.
If I were to have a child, circumcision would definitely need to be discussed with my partner. Because there are plenty of reasons people decide to opt-in for that procedure, none of which have any intentionally malicious components to it.
FGM wouldn't need to be discussed, because not only I assume nobody here would be insane enough to even propose it, it is just downright evil, carries zero non-malicious purpose, and is illegal to perform here. I see zero reason to worry about something that cannot even be legally performed in the first place.
Serious question, do you have issues with english reading comprehension?
"If it is a boy" was a necessary clause. Because "if it was a girl", then they won't need to worry abour circumcision. Which is why mentioning the first clause made perfect sense. No need for some conspiracy theories here.
There is a surge in RSV (https://www.cdc.gov/rsv/index.html) this year so be sure to wear a mask at the hospital and wash your hands regularly, especially after being in the common areas.
When your kids are young, they will depend upon you. As they grow, they will be attached to you. You will be joined at the hip and do everything together. Cherish this.
As your kids progress through their teenage years, they will distance themselves from you. They may lie about what they are up to. They might argue with you, shout at you, and cut you out of the discussion even when you desperately want to be involved. You need to recognise when this is beginning to happen and change your method of parenting to become less telling, and more guiding, letting the rope out and providing a secure nest for them to come back to thats free of judgement and accusations. This will be incredibly hard for some people, and can honestly take a very long time to get right. During this time they are psychologically trying to find their own way and independence, and this is normal. Just be there to gently guide.
If you are kind, loving, guiding, involved, and nurturing, you can't really screw this up.
You've got this. Just keep in mind the above for 12-15 years from now for your own sanity.
Somewhat same vein I tell my coworkers who are going to be new parents: Time really flies with kids.
One minute you're changing diapers, next thing you know they are walking, then they're in middle/high school and have their friends they'd rather be with. As hard as it was I still tear up a little watching old video clips of ours as a toddler.
I’d just like to echo this. I was told this when I had my first child, I understood what it meant and it seemed kind of obvious… It went by so much faster than I could have imagined.
It’s actually baffling to me to think about my own childhood and how long it felt to me then - only for it to go by so quickly from the other side.
1. Pace yourself. You’re going to want to try to do as much as you can with your newborn/infant but sometimes they’re just not ready for it. If you try to be very extra with your child on day one, you’re going to burn yourself out. A corollary is to appreciate the free time you get.
2. Children all develop in their own way so don’t freak out if your experience something different than what you read online.
3. Fear about SIDS is so incredibly overblown. I think the latest that we know about SIDS is that it’s a genetic thing. You should keep your baby’s area relatively clutter free to minimize suffocation risk but you don’t have to spend every waking hour of your life worrying about if they are breathing.
4. If you plan to formula feed, get a baby brezza. It saves so much time. Don’t believe the negative reviews, my baby is thriving.
5. You can’t spoil a child when they’re an infant. Don’t be afraid to give them all the love they need, especially when they’re crying. You’re not doing anybody favors by letting them cry things out.
6. Be empathetic to your partner as you are now sharing a foxhole with them.
Indeed. They need to be cleaned often - I purchased several dispensing funnels so that I can swap them in and out interchangeably and not have to clean them on the spot. Haven't seen any issues with it and so the benefits have far outweighed the downsides, which ppl must be mindful of.
I was at a conference yesterday with my 26 year old son. The speaker was talking about key life moments. I remember being left with my new-born baby son for a few moments by myself. My wife and I had no money, she had a spell of post-natal depression. It was the hardest of times and the best of times. Enjoy each stage of the journey.
Always have a phone in your pocket and make as many photos or movies as possible. This includes the very first minutes after the birth. Those might become the most precious photos you have server taken.
Good luck! The next few weeks are going to be tough in ways you never imagined and you are going to have to deal with them at a time when you are feeling least able to handle it. In totality I describe it as feeling like a grenade went off in your life and you are walking around in that dazed and confused mode with high pitched ringing in your ears. We're two months into our second child and it's only slightly easier the second time around!
In all likelyhood there will be medical issues in the next couple of weeks with the baby or your partner. In all of the cases I know of these have been overcome completely, the children are happy and healthy, but at the time it can feel overwhelming. Try to remember that you will get though it.
Congrats. 3 things that I found the most useful:
- Know that it will get better. The first period, and periods after, will suck. But it is also very much worth it. When things are at the absolute worst, just remember that this too shall pass.
- We got an octopus teddy from Jellycat - lifesaver! Baby’s hands will pull out the pacifier when they sleep - they wake up - you wake up. The baby could hold on to the tentacles instead of the pacifier, meaning everyone slept better.
- Prep meals when possible. Cooks stews and similar for the freezer for those hard times when you can’t even think of cooking. Will make it easier to get a good meal.
Bonus: sleep whenever possible, and bring the baby to see friends so you don’t become a hermit.
Ensure baby is fed (breastfed/formula fed) every couple of hours. This above all else. If baby is not latching just formula feed until he latches. This is crucial.
Watch out for signs of dehydration (parched lips) on baby. Usually because mothers dont lactate on day 0 and babies dont get any milk. Note time spent at breast not equal to milk in baby.
Watch for signs of jaundice. Low feed for baby causes jaundice levels to spike which can cause severe health issues.
Revisit the paediatrician within 48h of hospital discharge.
You will make mistakes. Lots of them. You will hate some moments. Often. There is a lot of Instagram parenting where everyone is oh so happy and oh so perfect, but raising kids is difficult and if you really spend time with them you will not do things perfectly, nor like it constantly. Good thing is, kids are resilient. They will live with your flaws. Just make sure you give then plenty of love.
Remember that children are human beings from the get go. They have a personality, and feelings. They are the ones doing the growing up, and all you can do is try to help them do it well. You might meet people who think that kids are infinitely malleable and that personality faults in them are intolerable. These people are ignorant in the same way racists and homophobes are.
You'll get plenty of specific useful advice here. No point in adding to that.
What I tell folks is the bar for parenting is pretty low actually. Give a shit, and put effort in. The rest is really just minor details in the grand scheme.
Kids just need parents and adults that care about them and are willing to put the time in. All the other stuff stems from that, but gets talked about far more. It's pretty hard to mess a kid up in a loving supportive household no matter your other circumstances.
Material things also simple don't matter at all, even though society will focus on those for you.
First few years are hard. Not just because of the work and the sleepless nights but also the adjustments to you and your partners lives. You need to look directly at that and swallow it down. Embrace the new normal.
Allow each other to have me-time, sharing doesn’t mean you both ‘suffer’ 100% of the time.
The challenges change over the years but just keep working at it and it’s infinitely rewarding.
It’s a bit orthogonal to the topic of this post. As a gay man living in a country with no opportunity to adopt kids and surrogacy being illegal I have given up on hope of having kids and posts like this make me wish I was straight though. I wish you all the happiness.
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[ 2.8 ms ] story [ 233 ms ] threadThere’s no magic formula and that’s ok.
I raised three children. I don't have a lot of advice to offer because you make it up as you go. That happens because every child comes with a personality, as a unique individual. You need a lot of patience. Raising children takes up a lot of time and energy, so the more help you have from a spouse/partner and family the better. And you need to remember that you don't get to shape or coerce your child into something you want. They will have their own ideas.
My wife and I agreed on a few rules before we had our first child. We never hit our children for any reason, not even a spanking. We didn't raise our voices to them. We never forced them to do anything against their will except for a few cases of potentially serious injury or death.
My mother tried to frame mistakes I made in terms of the behavior rather than as something inherent to her kids. She would say "You did a wrong thing" rather than "You are a bad person." I tried to remember that with my own kids. Children make lots of mistakes and will try your patience as they get older, so you will have plenty of chances to hone your skills.
This won’t be relevant till later, but…. My policy is to never punish. Instead, when your kids “misbehave”, start by questioning yourself if they know the expected behavior. Explain what is expected.
Be kind. Play a role. Support your wife. Earn the bread.
- Becoming a parent is like joining a monastery. Really. You are cut off from your friends. Your life becomes a series of chores in devotion to a higher being. It is exhausting and nobody tells you this beforehand for some reason.
- We never let our child be alone in a room, crying. I realize that there are strong feelings about this, but we chose "attachment parenting" and are happy with it. It's possible that it led to our son having little interest in having adventures in the wide world. It's hard to know what's right, but this felt right.
- Growing a child is like growing a plant of an unknown species. You don't know if they need more water or less; more sunlight or less. You may be an oak tree, but the child may be a rose bush. So you just have to listen and try things.
- I interacted with my son on the theory that anything I say to him when he is three, he will remember when he is thirty. So I always spoke to him with respect.
- Never argue with a toddler about how its time to get in the car. When they scream "no" just wait 45 seconds and ask again. The answer will turn to yes within a couple of minutes with no arguing or yelling needed.
- No matter how it looks, your child is always watching you. If he resists being taught (as mine did), just do things around him that he can witness.
- My son resisted learning how to read and write. But when we was twelve he responded to a one paragraph writing assignment by writing 30,000 words (in one big paragraph). He wrote and published a novel before he was 21. So, be patient.
- This is how hard it is to be a mother: my wife once floated the idea of putting my infant son up for adoption. I realized she was suffering from extreme exhaustion and post-natal depression and we dealt with that. But, geez, that's how hard it is. Sometimes you just feel you can't go on unless you get a break.
Would you explain more about arguing with the toddler about getting into the car?
It's such a time commitment learning to breastfeed and it's emotionally overwhelming. The lactation consultants all said there should be no pain if the latch is good. That is a lie. Multiple mothers have told us it hurts for the first few weeks. But it gets painless after that.
My son is 8 weeks old. We're just starting to find our feet.
For me, it was an incredibly difficult time to adjust. I'm selfish with my time, I need me time, I need creative thinking - and it went away.
It's easy to become a shadow of your former self trying to be the best father. My advice is, find balance. Find time for yourself, make time for your partner. She will need that time alone too.
Your job as a father, during the first year, is to make sure the baby survives. That's it. Don't think you'll always be able to make it stop crying, or think you can attend to its every need. You'll be lucky if you can put it to sleep. The first year is rough, baby wants mum, a lot. You're the supporting actor, you won't be the lead act. It will feel unfair, that no matter how hard you try, you can't deliver.
Finally, know that the first 6 months are the hardest. It gets easier, and the 2nd year is easier than the first, etc. Don't lose yourself and be patient, compassionate, and understand: life won't be your life anymore. It's about the family's and it hurts, but it's so much deeper and so much more interesting. This will be the biggest growth you'll ever accomplish as an adult, becoming a father.
So enjoy the best of it (they grow up so fast), and brush off the bad parts. Embrace dad jokes and becoming that dad, because humour is the best weapon to the loss of your personal life.
Good luck, all the best.
Unhappy stressed out parents create unhappy stressed out kids.
Sometimes you have to be selfish in the short term so you can be a better parent in the long term. Its a balance but you shouldn't feel guilty about it.
You're taking away protection, some level of gratification, and a few other things.
Phimosis, Fournier's gangrene, and potentially permanent deformation of the glans.
There's no medical reason for indiscriminate circumcision at birth.
I agree that there's no medical reason for indiscriminate circumcision at birth, or, for that matter, indiscriminate surgery of any kind at any time. After all, that's what circumcision is: surgery. However, the poster I responded to did not make that distinction. Another poster simply posted the word "propaganda". Given what I've read, I'm convinced that many of these anti-circumcision posts are motivated by animus — whether of genital surgery in its entirety or the religious elements associated with it — rather than a well-thought critique of the practice in secular and instrumental terms.
A wholesale dismissal of circumcision is as unthinking as a blind acceptance of it. Instead, each case must be assessed on its own merits. Unfortunately, I rarely see my particular position shared by anyone else.
Because it was implicit - we are discussing circumcision of infants, not circumcision of adult males with phimosis.
> Given what I've read, I'm convinced that many of these anti-circumcision posts are motivated by animus — whether of genital surgery in its entirety or the religious elements associated with it
Of course it's motivated by animus - mutilation of infants is disgusting. It should not be done, unless explicitly needed in individual cases due to medical issues, just like any other kind of amputation. Speculation of religious hatred is completely uncalled for.
> Instead, each case must be assessed on its own merits. Unfortunately, I rarely see my particular position shared by anyone else.
Yes, and the first step is to stop mutilating children in general just for the sake of mutilating children in general.
Infant phimosis exists and it generally requires circumcision. Regarding the post I replied to, I'm not obligated to divine implicit claims from absolute statements. If someone has made an absolute claim with with no stated qualifications or context whatsoever, that is a fundamental error I have a right to rebut it. No context needed on my part.
> Of course it's motivated by animus - mutilation of infants is disgusting. It should not be done, unless explicitly needed in individual cases due to medical issues, just like any other kind of amputation.
> Yes, and the first step is to stop mutilating children in general just for the sake of mutilating children in general.
Just to reiterate, the first step is to understand the appropriate context for when circumcision is necessary and when it isn't, whether of an infant or adult. People don't mutilate children for the sake of mutilating children. The reasons may vary in quality and acceptability, but the general understanding of why parents and doctors advocate for circumcision is as a means and attempt to make the child's present or future life "better" (for some definition of the word). Whether the reasoning for "better" is acceptable depends on the particular case being examined.
I would also add that almost all surgeries are accomplished by mutilation, even the ones deemed uncontroversial and necessary to save an infant's life. Instead of throwing FUD around with words like "mutilation", it would help your case to make a clear, coherent, and consistent point.
> Speculation of religious hatred is completely uncalled for.
If the animus isn't directed towards the medical practice of circumcision, then by process of elimination it surely must be against its religious practice. Historically, religious figures (to my knowledge, Judaic and Christian) have advocated for circumcision and employed people to undertake the task on behalf of the church/temple/etc. In some sects/denominations, the extra-medical practice of circumcision continues to exist. It would make sense that the anti-circumcision posts have much (if not more) to do with the posters' revulsion towards the faith(s) they grew up in, and of which circumcision is a permanent marker.
Gangrene also exists and generally requires amputation, but I don't see that as an argument for cutting off all infants' limbs, regardless of their medical state. If people in the US cut off male infants' limbs at birth as tradition, it would be perfectly appropriate to write a comment in the lines of "hey, if you have a boy, don't cut off his limbs".
> I'm not obligated to divine implicit claims from absolute statements
If you put things out of context, conversations won't make sense. Implicit context is an inevitable part of communication - it isn't divine, anyone with half a brain could figure out that when someone says "there's no medical reason for circumcision" that they mean in general, not in all cases without exceptions whatsoever. Nobody in their right mind would argue against surgery in general. Pretending that's the original argument is a form of logical fallacy called "attacking a strawman" - yes, you are right that circumcision can be valid in some cases, but nobody is arguing against that.
> Just to reiterate, the first step is to understand the appropriate context for when circumcision is necessary and when it isn't
Yes, and since there is a culture of circumcising infants indiscriminately in the US, the first step is to tell people to stop doing it for no fucking reason.
> People don't mutilate children for the sake of mutilating children.
This is just plain false - the number of circumcisions in the US that happen because of "my dad circumcised me, so I guess that's how it should be" is very high. It is necessary to fight that kind of pointless mutilation by advising people.
> Instead of throwing FUD around with words like "mutilation", it would help your case to make a clear, coherent, and consistent point.
Here's a clear coherent point: We should tell people not to perform unnecessary surgery on infants in general for no reason. I have a feeling that we've been through this a couple of times already...
> If the animus isn't directed towards the medical practice of circumcision
It is directed towards general, indiscriminatory circumcision - or, to generalize, towards any kind of unneeded medical surgeries, some of which are unfortunately done on infants because of ignorance and tradition.
> It would make sense that the anti-circumcision posts have much (if not more) to do with the posters' revulsion towards the faith(s) they grew up in, and of which circumcision is a permanent marker.
Yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you?
Even if it was true (which you have no way of knowing), the fact that the religion performs surgery on people in order to "mark them" as belonging to the group actually warrants such feelings. The person is never given the right to choose - they were simply marked, with an irreversible surgery, from the moment they were born, without even a chance of changing their minds. If such feelings exist in the poster, I'd definitely sympathize much more with them, than with religious people who feel "attacked" by such feelings.
No matter how "right" you might think it is because of various reasons, it's mutilation of a child's organ, and it's irreversible.
You are, of course, implying that FGM is far, far, worse and would be unthinkable for anyone on HN?
This is a terrific example of the "useful idiot" phenomenon. Those who hate any group - be it Jews or Catholics or Muslims or anybody else - will find something dear to those people and spread seemingly-unrelated advice that negates that group's core values. Then the useful idiots with no hate in mind spread these advice with fervour.
As a Jew, I am aware of the minuscule risks of circumcision. And of course I had my son circumcised because that has been a hallmark of my race (not religion) for literally millennia. And I do other far riskier activities with my son, such as fishing and riding a bicycle and letting him use a knife. But nobody is advising us not to fish or ride a bicycle with our children, despite literally orders of magnitude higher risk.
Edit, to add: I did not intend to imply that female genital mutilation was prevalent in Islam, only that it is done and justified amongst Muslims at a not-insignificant rate.
You use "miniscule risks" as an argument - the problem isn't the risks of circumcision, it's the circumcision itself. It is (in majority of cases) a completely unneccesary form of mutilation.
It seems to me that your argument boils down to "how dare you tell people mutilating infants is wrong when my culture has been mutilating infants for millenia?". Most people don't circumcise their kids because of religion - and those they do won't listen to this advice anyway.
You should be honest about this. This wasn't really a "race" thing. You *wanted* to do this to your son. You did this without his consent. And you did something that is completely irreversible.
Don't compare this to fishing, riding a bike, or even using a knife. All of those are necessary skills, or at the very least, useful skills for children to know.
You did something that *was actually risky to do*, for literally no other reason other than this awful justification about "race".
And for what its worth, I'm Iranian. So I get how _expected_ it is from culture.
So I really do understand your sentiment that traditions have no value. I get it. But I counter that traditions in fact do have value for those who hold them dear. Does a photograph of a parent have value? A photo of your parent has no value to me, but a photo of my parent has value to me - and I suspect vice versa. I am the distinct person I am because of the values that I hold, those values include things that we will most likely agree upon (Do not murder) but I accept that you don't value things that we don't agree upon. That's fine. But recognize that _you_ feel so passionately about circumcision not because of the risk. Other common practices have greater risk with less benefit. Rather, the media that sold you on this viewpoint specifically, had ulterior motives. I have no problem with your opinion. I do have a problem with the fervent obsession that people have with this one specific low-risk activity that Jews do, while ignoring far riskier and more prevalent activities. The media shaped your opinion with motive. Recognize that.
If I were to have a child, circumcision would definitely need to be discussed with my partner. Because there are plenty of reasons people decide to opt-in for that procedure, none of which have any intentionally malicious components to it.
FGM wouldn't need to be discussed, because not only I assume nobody here would be insane enough to even propose it, it is just downright evil, carries zero non-malicious purpose, and is illegal to perform here. I see zero reason to worry about something that cannot even be legally performed in the first place.
"If it is a boy" was a necessary clause. Because "if it was a girl", then they won't need to worry abour circumcision. Which is why mentioning the first clause made perfect sense. No need for some conspiracy theories here.
Ask HN: First-time dad-to-be. What do you wish you'd known back then? - https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=31976803 - July 2022 (388 comments)
Ask HN: Guide to becoming a dad? - https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=9756232 - June 2015 (89 comments)
As your kids progress through their teenage years, they will distance themselves from you. They may lie about what they are up to. They might argue with you, shout at you, and cut you out of the discussion even when you desperately want to be involved. You need to recognise when this is beginning to happen and change your method of parenting to become less telling, and more guiding, letting the rope out and providing a secure nest for them to come back to thats free of judgement and accusations. This will be incredibly hard for some people, and can honestly take a very long time to get right. During this time they are psychologically trying to find their own way and independence, and this is normal. Just be there to gently guide.
If you are kind, loving, guiding, involved, and nurturing, you can't really screw this up.
You've got this. Just keep in mind the above for 12-15 years from now for your own sanity.
One minute you're changing diapers, next thing you know they are walking, then they're in middle/high school and have their friends they'd rather be with. As hard as it was I still tear up a little watching old video clips of ours as a toddler.
It’s actually baffling to me to think about my own childhood and how long it felt to me then - only for it to go by so quickly from the other side.
1. Pace yourself. You’re going to want to try to do as much as you can with your newborn/infant but sometimes they’re just not ready for it. If you try to be very extra with your child on day one, you’re going to burn yourself out. A corollary is to appreciate the free time you get.
2. Children all develop in their own way so don’t freak out if your experience something different than what you read online.
3. Fear about SIDS is so incredibly overblown. I think the latest that we know about SIDS is that it’s a genetic thing. You should keep your baby’s area relatively clutter free to minimize suffocation risk but you don’t have to spend every waking hour of your life worrying about if they are breathing.
4. If you plan to formula feed, get a baby brezza. It saves so much time. Don’t believe the negative reviews, my baby is thriving.
5. You can’t spoil a child when they’re an infant. Don’t be afraid to give them all the love they need, especially when they’re crying. You’re not doing anybody favors by letting them cry things out.
6. Be empathetic to your partner as you are now sharing a foxhole with them.
Smoking is a huge risk factor so don’t! Don’t even smoke outside the house and drag in that stink on your clothes. It’s Best quit for your kids.
In all likelyhood there will be medical issues in the next couple of weeks with the baby or your partner. In all of the cases I know of these have been overcome completely, the children are happy and healthy, but at the time it can feel overwhelming. Try to remember that you will get though it.
Bonus: sleep whenever possible, and bring the baby to see friends so you don’t become a hermit.
Ensure baby is fed (breastfed/formula fed) every couple of hours. This above all else. If baby is not latching just formula feed until he latches. This is crucial.
Watch out for signs of dehydration (parched lips) on baby. Usually because mothers dont lactate on day 0 and babies dont get any milk. Note time spent at breast not equal to milk in baby.
Watch for signs of jaundice. Low feed for baby causes jaundice levels to spike which can cause severe health issues.
Revisit the paediatrician within 48h of hospital discharge.
Be there for your partner. It'll be fine.
Remember that children are human beings from the get go. They have a personality, and feelings. They are the ones doing the growing up, and all you can do is try to help them do it well. You might meet people who think that kids are infinitely malleable and that personality faults in them are intolerable. These people are ignorant in the same way racists and homophobes are.
What I tell folks is the bar for parenting is pretty low actually. Give a shit, and put effort in. The rest is really just minor details in the grand scheme.
Kids just need parents and adults that care about them and are willing to put the time in. All the other stuff stems from that, but gets talked about far more. It's pretty hard to mess a kid up in a loving supportive household no matter your other circumstances.
Material things also simple don't matter at all, even though society will focus on those for you.