Ask HN: I seem to lack personality beyond my work / university. What can I do?
I am almost done with my master's and I am also working FT at a FAANG company. I had some free time this weekend, when I realized I could do anything, but there was nothing I wanted to do.
I know that to some degree I am burned out due to studies, courses and everything else, but I honestly don't know where to go from here.
I don't find my job particularly engaging, and I am considering returning to academia. I am having conversations with my co-supervisor on working with them after I graduate, and if that goes well, a PhD at the intersection of privacy, medicine and ML.
It that unless I find some big goal to work towards, I am empty, a vessel, becoming what I am doing du jour. I spend all my time working and thinking about the problem and when that stops I don't have anything else.
What can I do to deal with this apparent emptiness? I don't think diving into another project will cut it.
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[ 4.2 ms ] story [ 137 ms ] threadAvoiding both these extremes, the Perfect One has realized the Middle Path; it gives vision, gives knowledge, and leads to calm, to insight, to enlightenment and to Nibbana. And what is that Middle Path realized by the Tathagata...? It is the Noble Eightfold Path, and nothing else, namely: right understanding, right thought, right speech, right action, right livelihood, right effort, right mindfulness and right concentration.
I got it -- _go touch grass_.
You're making the mistake of trying to rationalize a feeling. For non-depressed people, doing something that qualifies as "touching grass" brings joy, regardless of rationalization.
For you, it does not and your brain rationalizes it as pointless.
It helped me to realize feelings lead to rationalizations, not logic.
They next step is to consider why you're in this state and how best to proceed. I suggest trying exercise specifically to force endorphin release and revisit how this impacts your feelings as a reaction to the situation.
If you find yourself thinking different thoughts after something chemically impactful, like exercise, you've presented evidence that there's a deeper cause that you can't just rationalize away.
I think exercising is a good idea, I wanted to start running and lifting again.
> If you find yourself thinking different thoughts after something chemically impactful, like exercise, you've presented evidence that there's a deeper cause that you can't just rationalize away.
This is a good observation, thanks.
> I had some free time this weekend, when I realized I could do anything, but there was nothing I wanted to do.
I bet you were on the internet. At least, my experience lately is that the internet is very boring. I previously would have never expected to say that.
Dive into a project that isn't a project IMO. It's a hobby. For instance, FPV drones. They overlap well with your skillset (programming), but require some new learning (soldering, electronics). You can program autonomous flights later if that's interesting to you.
Programming is magic right now, and I would be looking for intersections where you can apply it in a way that's fun. I posted in another thread just now about projects I've built, and I mentioned a few programming projects. https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=33583779
Other than finding a non-boring hobby, I would just get out in the world. Meet some people. Do things you're afraid of. Cosplay as a different personality sometimes. Just pretend you're really outgoing and walk into a new bar. Experiment with life in non-permanent ways and see what suits you.
I know it can be hard to see the world through other peoples' lenses, but you don't have much time. Don't waste it on boring shit that you find meaningless.
If you come from a poor background you should be blessed with special knowledge of where the pain points are and how best you can help.
correct that “trying” to find a relationship has more subpar results than just being social and a relationship forming
OP does need to interact with more humans in places outside of academia and work. for someone that doesn't know their interests, going to the generic social option is great advice.
Maybe explore and expose yourself to a little bit of everything to see if there is anything you are missing out on?
I don't know. I don't really like the emptiness.
> than you truly wanting to do other things.
I don't actually want to do anything, but in not doing anything I just see the days go by without something meaningful achieved.
I actually like that I am the way that I am, I can just dive into things and can go on for weeks just hammering onto problems but it comes at the the cost of other aspects of life, and that isn't particularly healthy tbh. It always leads to some kind of burnout.
I am thinking that because my current employment situation isn't particularly engaging nor demanding I am just feeling dissatisfied.
every developer i know at FAANG, SaaS, or the hundreds of other companies where the core problem is already solved or the business model is net useless to humanity falls into one of two buckets
1. has an extraordinarily rich inner life and is happy with being able to churn away for 20–40 hours a week on useless things, and return to their family/friends/hobbies with a huge check
2. is on antidepressants and desperately trying to find meaning
meanwhile, all the dev friends i have who work in biotech or healthcare are all pretty happy, maybe a little peeved at their lowered salary, but otherwise feel extreme confidence that they are doing good for the world
pick your poison i guess, i chose biotech and am extremely happy with my decision, going on 2.5 years now
The most tangible example is, we would go to a nice restaurant, the host would seat us (I was happy), she would ask for a table near the window or one away from the kitchen door (no hesitation). She would always order a fun or adventurous appetizer to try new things and not finish it if she didn't like it (we always ate everything on our plates no matter what). Also if things were taking too long. she never chalked it up to we're being slighted, she was just relaxed and filled the time with conversation
To use an analogy, if we were both in a river, I was anxiously fighting against, she was gliding with flow
You might need to go out and find out who you are by getting into a lot of situations
It takes years
Moneywise you're probably set for life at this stage, so it's time to look at health / fitness.
I'm doing a PhD right now. It's a pretty good experience, but it won't solve your problem of the "emptiness." In fact, it will take up a ton of your mental time: the current state you're in is good for a PhD since you have to think a lot about what you're working on.
If I were you I would question whether or not your current mindset is actually a problem. Maybe you truly like thinking about certain types of problems irrespective of external demands of an employer. If so, in my opinion that's okay. On the other hand if you decide that your current mindset is actually a problem and that you should broaden your horizons or change, you can! For example you can try new hobbies that have nothing to do with work and see how you feel doing those things (preferably join a club so you can do it with other people).
EDIT 1: Plus-one for the commenters suggesting doing something with other people — especially something that benefits kids, or others, who are less fortunate than you (it's an amazing mood enhancer).
EDIT 2: Absolutely be sure to get regular, vigorous exercise of some kind — even just rapid walking — to release endorphins.
False. I grew up poor and couldn't afford school so I self-taught programming in HS to be able to land software jobs. I started work immediately and never considered school. Having grown up in a poor and abusive household, I strongly relate to OP: When all of your rewards come from one place (writing code), when one thing lifted you out of poverty, it's near impossible to focus on anything else for long. Like, what's the point in pursuing hobbies when people will just treat you like shit there. Programming (professionally) is the sole activity where people treat me like a human being: Money is a powerful motivator for them or something.
It sounds like your life has been filled by (valid) fears that have driven you to work hard all the time. Now that you have moments when you don't have life threatening fears swooping down on you, adapt. Don't try to find new fears to fill that void. Deal with being in the new situation of finally having a choice about what you do.
It sounds like you are on the cusp of living your own life, which might be bewildering at first, but ultimately, really awesome. Good luck!
> I know that to some degree I am burnt out due to studies, courses and everything else, but I honestly don't know where to go from here.
I don't think this has anything to you being poor or you being boring, these are strong warning flags for burnout and depression, and I urge you to take it seriously.
I grew up similarly, and recall that recreational pastimes were heavily discouraged in favour of academic achievement and ladder-climbing.
As a child, we don't know any better, and simply do whatever our our parents/caregivers say is critical for success as an adult.
But then one day you find yourself with a large block of free time, as OP did, with nobody to tell you how to spend it, and you realize you have no idea what to do with it. If you didn't have the opportunity to engage in fun and rewarding hobbies while growing up, it's very hard to develop those feelings anew when doing them as an adult.
Some people here are going to tell you that you're depressed and that there's nothing wrong with having a personality that doesn't feel like a personality to you. It's possible you're depressed or burned out, and that you don't know yourself yet, but I doubt you feel the way you do without a good reason. Those with expressive personalities are more likely to have opportunities placed in front of them. There are clear advantages to learning who you are and being able to make yourself interesting to others.
Don't forget to do other things outside of work and vice. It doesn't matter what it is. Try different things out. Go to a climbing gym. Or not. Doesn't matter. You can learn a new language. Or not. Do you enjoy alcohol? Get into wine tasting or home distilling. Just do things and don't be afraid to ditch them if you lose interest. All I know is that I've found a lot of benefit in simply trying things no matter how short lived those interests turned out to be. Do some crazy things, too, within a reasonable risk tolerance. Get on a plane tomorrow and go to Hawaii, or Detroit, or whatever. Dress like a punk and go to a local punk rock show. Buy a large pry bar and go around town at night lifting up manhole covers to see what's under them. Literally anything.
Without a goal!
If you really don't fancy it or want to build up to it, rollercoasters offer something of the same thrill in a more controlled way - any good parks nearby? Alternatively, have you ever tried SCUBA diving and/or are you near to somewhere you could do it? You'll find a great community of friendly people from all walks of life, and a similarly meditative experience, but totally tranquil instead of being totally exhilarating. On a similar note, I personally get a lot of fulfilment out of any kind of experience in the wild - you could turn your analytical mind to the study of plants or animals, and being out among the natural world generally brings a lot of cognitive and physical benefits.
1) "Becoming what I am doing" is the normal human experience resulting from the adaptive nature of the brain and such. Life is dynamic.
2) It's only a problem if it's a problem. Is it a problem? The sense of being a vessel, I mean. There is nothing objectively or inherently wrong with that. If you are questioning it, then there is some potential value misalignment.
3) Get clarity on your values. Whether that's from doing the work in Simon Sinek's book Find Your Why, or The One Thing Core Values deck, or some form of Ikigai exercise, or whatever. This will help you learn the shape of your vessel.
4) When you are the sort who tends to function as a mirror, reflecting only the influences around you, and you want to find out "who you are" beyond the reflections, you will have to retreat away from those influences for a time. So, meditation practices and the like, where you can find some distance, some space, some quiet, for "you" to appear. I'd suggest avoiding the flaky commercialized crunchy social media conformant trendy meditation garbage, but that may not be useful until you can discern the difference.
Or try camping,a few days outside the comforts of modern life. Put yourself in the shoes of your ancestors of millenia past and try imagine how they lived. Speculate in what they cared about.
Do you want to explore nearby areas? Go hiking.
Do you want to capture moments? Try using your own phone and start photography.
Do you want to start a vlog? Invest in a GoPro