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Ask HN: Why is it hard for one to know what they want?

13 points by quietthrow ↗ HN
Inspired by so many posts on about self improvement couldn’t help but ask this question.

So many self help books etc have this as the fundamental question “what do you want” and then figuring out the action plan etc.

People spend significant periods of time meditating trying to understand themselves and what they want.

For some College years and professional years are spent bumbling as they don’t know what they want.

All in all it seems incredibly hard to know what you want.

I have my theory and will go first:

- the world is random. As such so is your environment. Pair that with the a fickle human mind and you get something where you may know what you want now but not what you want over a longer period of time. The fickleness of mind together with randomness of ones environment leads to wanting/desiring different things at different times. So while one may know what they want now they may not be able to get a handle on a deeper pattern of what they want or the general types of things they gravitate to. There is very hard to know what you want (over a long period of time (which is what is often implied in the question what do you want))

If that hypothesis needs to be validated or nullified then it’s seems like meticulous journaling of what you want now and it’s why etc. would be one way to collect a record of those things. Over time with enough collection and review of the journal one may be able to see atleast a pattern of the types of things they want/ gravitate to. That’s the worse case scenario. The best case is you get immediate clarity on what you want.

This approach could help in understanding what one wants for their current phase in life (5/10 year) and not necessarily what they want for the rest of their life- even still it gives a great directional answers.

Finally it may be impossible (for the avg human) to know what they want for the rest of the life given we change as a person over time. You are not the same person you where 10 years ago. So there is a high probability that what you want now is different from what you wanted 10 years ago.

8 comments

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rossdavidh
If you are underwater too long, you know exactly what you want: air. If you are very hungry, to the point of it being a health issue, you know what you want: food. If you are desperately poor, to the point that you have to worry about getting food and shelter, you know what you want: income/money. If you are desperately lonely, you know what you want: companionship. Etc. At some point, your basic needs are met. If you don't know what you want, it's because there is no longer one overriding need that needs to be met. Thus, the difference between getting one thing vs. another is not as large. So, one will have to use some willpower/mental tricks/etc. to stay on task, because there is not one overriding need. Control circuits have to do something similar when, for example, they are very near the setpoint temperature, otherwise it will cycle back between heating and cooling way too often.

If you don't know what you want, you have most of what you want, so one will simply have to pick up an aversion to switching objectives too often, just like that thermostat's control circuit.

balaji1
Is it because we are made to want too many things? Many of which don't give real satisfaction. Including being expected to know what we want?
themodelplumber
I like the topic, it's one I'm reliably interested in. A topic of known desire. :-)

IMO people are in many ways the same person that they were some time ago, just not in all ways (Linda Berens created a helpful lens/labeling system for this: the Core, Developing, and Contextual you, so to speak).

So my own theory about this works in terms of frequencies. Longer waves are more reliable for identifying relevant interests and leveraging them; shorter, higher-frequency waves less so. It's generally more helpful to be aware of longer-term interests than shorter-term ones, especially when there's a known opportunity cost.

For example I was shopping for candy the other day and couldn't decide what to get except thinking from my list of favorite candy which I update over time (per your note on journaling), so I went with reliable ones. Instead of a random result, I got a reliable result that I wanted (good feeling about purchase later). Some random is good, but I find that usually I don't want all-random, but rather reliable-enjoyment.

It's been a very useful practice because even if I don't have a list for a given area, the same principles apply to other areas.

I've had some other surprises in this topic of thought too, for example usually if someone asks me what I want in life, it's reliably better for me to answer with shallow, little-picture stuff. Like, I want a week off work, a new tool or pocketknife to fiddle with, a stack of old DVDs from the library, and a $50 candy & soda budget. I have learned that I automatically focus with intensity on the big-picture stuff, which can lead to neglect of the little-picture in my own case, and that's the liability, not the other way around.

Anyway, thoughtful post, thanks for sharing your thoughts.

snowpid
In my case, there is a specific reason: my parents taught me that my needs were not important, so I ignored them for a long time. I also believe that other people suffer from the problem.
quietthrow
Agree as I can relate. Not listening to what you want for years results in having no inner voice. You can work towards practicing learning to listen for it but it takes commitment and some time. My psychologist told me you start with the smallest things like what would you like for lunch etc and then over time you learn to hear your voice loud and clear for things small and big. you certainly risk displeasing other people which can be extremely be hard/difficult given you were raised to think of others before you. This is especially true if you are from the east where the culture values collective good before individual good (generally speaking). The west has a generally opposite value where individuality comes first and foremost. Swinging to either ways on extreme is not good and certainly a recipie for a miserable life. I think one needs to stike a balance between utter selfishness and no individuality. And there in lies the power of values. If you have a set of values that are not universal destructive and are more constructive it can act as a North Star that guides one in making balanced choices in life
hayst4ck
The book running on empty directly addresses this topic under the name "childhood emotional neglect (CEN)".

The book effectively says that people struggle with these things like lack of purpose because of things your parents didn't do (and probably didn't know to do). So, you know something is missing, but don't know what since it never happened.

The central premise of the book is that emotions are fuel for your life and if your parents didn't teach you how to understand and manage your emotions (or taught you they weren't important), then you will likely feel emotionally empty or emotionally numb. Since emotions are what give color to the world, you will struggle to manage your reward systems in ways that "fill you up."

I feel like "why is it hard for people to know what they want?" is a re-wording of "how do I find my purpose?" which is a rephrasing of "I feel empty," which is a rephrasing of "I am emotionally numb."

You might find relevant responses here: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=33534644

It is worth reading running on empty to see if it resonates with you. I found it satisfying, mechanical, direct, and most importantly devoid of vagueness or platitudes. Very good book.

quietthrow
The book already resonates based on your description of it as I through my own experiences and have come full circle wrt to emotions. As a child and till very recently I always considered myself a rational person who has to do things by reasoning. Always thought emotions muddled things and emotional people are volatile as they are extremely capricious and do things that make no sense if you were to broaden the timeline in which their actions and consequences play out. However I have now learned that our emotional system is something that is extremely useful and should not be ignored wholesale. Emotions are a fantastic source of signals that can point us in the right directions and when introspected can reveal a lot about who we are and what we desire. I now pay close attention to emotions and they often help me make choices that are more in congruence with my inner self. Using the rational and emotional parts of the brain can be spectacularly powerful. Since I have found this for myself your desc of the book seems to affirm that.

Will definitely check it out. Thanks for suggesting.

kirso
I wrote in the previous thread that this one stemmed from but here is the nutshell:

- Its impossible to know what we want at a young age, literally only 1% probably does one thing their entire life cause they are obsessed with it.

- The secret to life IMO is experimentation and exploration. As silicon valley as it sounds, we are shit at predicting what we want because of external influences and us being products of our surroundings. We only start making action when we get to the extreme point of dissatisfaction. However we can notice things that we enjoy in the process.

- Frequent introspections and writing helps. Journaling in general helps us understand our mind and is connected to real mental healing.

- Drawing up alternative paths (based on odyssey plan) => 5 years if i continue on my current track, 5 years for alternative, 5 years if money (or other responsibilities) were no issue puts things in perspective.

- In general it seems productivity is a myth. We can't push mentally through the catharsis of us really not wanting to do something. Its super super hard. It can be done, but hard to sustain long-term. Thats why gym habits take time.

- Focus on what brings flow or energy. Every day I try to notice what is the process where I lose myself in the moment. I recently discovered programming. I don't do it to make a startup or get a job, but its intellectually challenging and brings me joy. Its probably because of novelty, but it fills up my day as a hobby. Perhaps in 5 years it won't be the case anymore but there are always things to experiment try that'll put you on a different path