Ask HN: How to overcome stage fear / social anxiety

You are being asked those questions because you are seen as an expert in the matter or as an "authority" (by expertise) in general.

First, I think it should be okay to answer "I don't know" if you don't know. If you feel like this is okay it should become easier.

If you lose confidence when your managers are around I would start asking myself why this is the case? Are you afraid that they will judge you? Do you have a strained relationship?

Anyway, this is a rather complicated issue which takes time to tackle. If you can afford it, go see a public speaking coach/mental coach/therapist. If you think it's just part something you need to practice, there are "impromptu theater" groups.

Preparation preparation preparation. Then dress rehearsal with feedback from trusted people. The improve and prepare again with the improved version. Then when you get on stage, you will know that the fear is good: it means that you are fully emotionally invested in what you're going to say. Fear not feeling fear before you get on any stage: it's a bad sign that you won't come out as sincere.

You might be introvert, which means you feel compelled to prepare yourself before a meeting or presentation. Without this, you feel anxiety. Giving impromptu talks is easier with an extrovert personality. With some effort, you could switch. I am also introvert and so far have failed 100% of the white board style interviews, basically big tech interviews are heavily biased against interverts. I try to hint to this by saying I'm not much of a social butterfly. To be honest I perplexed to even think how extroverts find enough time to be productive at coding which requires long uninterrupted time in front of an editor. The whole working from home helped introverts out, but I guess that is going away for some companies.

Anyway, TLDR: Become an extrovert.

Propranolol.

Amphetamines.

Box style breathing

If you experience physical symptoms, you need to practice, practice and practice challenging social situations, and propranolol helps a lot for important events like interviews and stages anxiety

You're not scared of talking to large groups per se (I'd call 75 large). So it seems you're sensitive to perceived status. But they are your team. I dare to guess you think about the outcome and might be afraid it's going to go sideways.

Cognitive behavioral therapy might help. Why CBT? I have a suspicion you have some warped beliefs. Fix them. Get a therapist who specializes in social anxiety cases and do that with him/her.

> But when it comes to impromptu talks, giving opinions or asking just questions in big forums involving senior leaders / peers or other team members, I generally fumble. My body language doesn't show confidence, try to mince words etc.

Hang on, didn't you just post your question to a forum of peers? ;)

Perhaps it has something to do with context, HN is just a bunch of tech kiddies (and adults) staying around the water dispenser drinking the cool-aid, while work is full of bosses constantly on the lookout for people to make redundant. At least that is what I imagine.

Preparation is important, mental preparation is even more important. I once did a speakers course and the best part was telling an emotional story (out of ones own life) in front of the other participants. Being close to tears in front of other people harden me to talk about anything in front of anybody.

I was one told the imperfect notion of imagining your listeners to be naked (sorry this was told to me before #metoo - don't do this at home). The intention was to believe that your better than your listeners and therefore king of the stage. Don't believe this. That doesn't work. It makes you arrogant and presumptuous.

I found it better to think of being a speaker as being asked to speak by people who wish to listen and learn something from you. Speaking isn't a competition, it is a community sharing ideas.

> Any one who has overcome this fear

Yes, but you're not going to like the answer: I stopped caring. Not because that is the best solution, but the only one that worked for me with my limited skill set. I focus on the topic and blatantly assume that my contribution outweighs my presentational shortcomings. People keep seeking my input despite that, so the sum must be a net positive or everybody is just crazy.

I read some of your HN contributions, you seem to be a based person. I think I would enjoy working with you and you probably get along well with others in your organisation. I think people hold you in higher regard than you think they do.

Confidence usually comes from something. Sometimes it is innate. For those less lucky, it generally comes from preparation and just as important, the belief in the work you put in to be ready for w/e talk you're giving.

Join Toastmasters and take up a role every meeting, be it with table topics, evaluations or another role.

You are then in a safe environment where everyone wants to see you succeed and give you help.

I don't know if it's going to help you specifically, but what's helped me is to slow down. Basically, if you can't prepare ahead of time, take the time to prepare your answers in the moment.

Acknowledge the question, repeat it back slowly to make sure you understood it right, be silent for a while thinking about the response.

Then beware that it's fine to say "I don't know but I can look it up" or "can we come back to this in a few minutes? I would like to let it stew a bit" or "I will give you a proper answer later but if I'm allowed to speculate wildly just to keep the discussion flowing..."

One theory about anxiety is that there is a self reinforcing cycle:

Feel anxiety - attention on own body language - less attention on others - less effective communication - feel more anxiety

The theory then goes, that the way to break the cycle is, when you find yourself paying attention to your own body language, resolve to concentrate instead on making the communication effective. Look outward, not inward. Ask clarifying questions, find out the context, look for people who might want to ask their own question but are too nervous etc.

This creates a positive cycle. You become better at communication, and your body language improves as you stop feeling that your are at the mercy of the situation.

Other people are not actually interested in whether you are feeling nervous, they just want to communicate. They will forget fumbles if you move past them yourself.

Doing technical sales helped me the most as the incentives and feedback for effective human interaction were very clear.

Doing customer support was great for acclimatising to talking to people who were upset.

Improv has been excellent for commoditising awkwardness in a safe space and is just a lot of fun.

Mainly it’s the same as getting good at most things:

- do it often

- get good feedback

- have good mentors

- learn from those who do it effectively

Take an improv class.

Like 6 times a week you'll have to go up in front of a dozen other students. Just that repetition really helped my stage fright.

Please try an improvised theatre / acting group for a while - you will learn everything needed in a safe and playful environment.

The technique I use if I ever feel this when speaking or playing gigs is to embody fully the idea that it’s not me on stage or about to go on stage anymore, I am now a character that resembles whatever that audience wants to see. That really helps because now you can hide those insecurities (that are normal) behind a persona.

To add to the rest of the comments, I have found that not wearing headphones in public (while walking around or in public transit) helped a lot.

I'm similar: I find large groups easy, small ones more difficult. I always think it is because the people in large groups are anonymous.

This is, as you say, social anxiety. And you might be able to get better with some practice. Local theater, choir, or other hobbies might prove to help or simply doing things that get you out of your comfort zone more often. Basically, this is just training yourself to act differently and gets you more used to small anxiety. Of course, a lot of the practice won't have the added stress of your career so it might or might not pay off.

The other side of this might be some help through professionals. A therapist might be able to give you some spectacular tips that me, an untrained random internet human, won't know. A GP might be able to prescribe something to help with the anxiety.

You can improve your body language by improving your body.

As someone who had gone from severe shyness to comfortably talking in front of a variety of audiences, the simple truth is that the more you do it the better you get.

As far as I know there aren't any clever tricks that don't involve drugs.

There one positive is that practice compounds. 20 talks isn't double the experience of 10 talks it's 10 times more. The change for me was quite sudden. Going from very nervous to reasonably comfortable quickly. I spoke to other performers and they said their experience was similar.

I would suggest talking to a therapist about how you are feeling. A therapist can work with you on strategies to overcome this.

Psychologically, self-consciousness loads heavily on your neuroticism (big five)

You are self concious, because of fear. Your fear may be because of overtuned threat perception due to your personality, but also external factors.

You need to stabilise this part of yourself to stop feeling overwhelmed.

1. Make sure you keep your caffiene consumption CONSISTENT and as low as possible. None is best, but dont go not drinking any if you have 4 cups a day. 2. CONSISTENT sleep, achieved by rising at exactly the same time daily and immediately eating a full brealfast with fats and protiens and fewer carbs. 3. CONSISTENT practice at speaking in a manner that is easy for you, so on a subject you know, to a small, familiar audience (teams call with direct reports perhaps). Maintain mindfulness of just one person, or focus on speaking to one person in the crowd when you do, and stop focussing on yourself. 4. Remember you are a highly competent individiual.

I've had a really bad case of it: trembling uncontrollably, becoming completely stuck in my mind, and failing miserably. This predicament has basically destroyed my career in music (and I'm a pretty good musician!), and made me avoid a lot of situations in which I might have been able to contribute from my knowledge and experience, in different domains.

As someone who still struggles with the same problem, here are some things that really help me:

First, be open about it. Talk about it to your family, friends, colleagues, boss. That way you'll at least get rid of the shame and the guilt that accompany this "handicap". When my teenage kids, who are very sensitive this kind of thing, bug me about my trembling, or my breaking voice (which may come in a variety of social situations), I explain to them that it's not something that I do on purpose, and that it's not something I control.

In fact, when I get this kind of anxiety which is manifested physiologically (which can look scary to the other people in the room), I try to explain to my audience what's happening to me. I have found that people's attitude will change from bewilderment and suspicion to empathy, which immediately lowers the tension in the room, helps me calm down somewhat and lets me get on with the subject matter with greater ease.

I have also found that concentrating on my breath helps tremendously, and in fact the physical effects come because my body muscles seem to contract in a sort of panic reaction, and the only way I can reverse that is to take long, slow breaths that relax my body.

So, when talking in public, I slow down, taking the time to breath at the end of each phrase. This is not easy to do at first, but combined with an attentive and empathetic crowd, it really changes everything! A practice that I have found to work really well, is to practice mindful breathing while doing some activity, like programming, cooking, gardening or whatever.

I found this to be surprisingly challenging at first, as you need to split your attention between the activity at hand and the controlled slow breathing. But every time I practiced it (especially in preparation for giving a talk), the difference was remarkable.

I hope this helps!

The answer is simple, but not easy. Search for a Toastmasters club near you. Attend their meetings regularly and practice!