Researchers game money to people and an app so that they pick up a stranger and talk to them. They reported positive psychological outcome out of the exercise.
I’m quite the chatterbox and I love talking to strangers. Even if I will never see them again. I do it quite often. I feel it really adds more fun and meaning as I navigate through my little town, or the big city, doing everyday things that could otherwise be quite boring. So at least to me this article rings true.
I also seek out interactions with people I don't know. I'm quite practiced at making it natural and unscary for the other person. Usually never see them again, and that's ok and even desired. There's something very satisfying about it, like I'm sharing a moment with the same person each time but in a different recombination of the whole of us. I strive to keep a regular flow of such interactions coming and I find myself getting ambiguously down if they start to dwindle.
Say what you feel, be genuine. Be curious about them - including, read the situation. If they are anxiously texting, or looking otherwise like they wouldn't want to be disturbed, don't. And don't force it - there's not always something to say. It's not hard, there's no secret code; it's very basic.
Most of the problem is anxiety. As with anything new, you'll get over it as it becomes familiar. Be patient with yourself.
The bus is late, again, say 'Not again! Are the other buses always late?'
Their fingernail polish catches your eye, say, 'hey - that's great. I love the color/design/etc.'
People don't always respond, some might even look at you strangely - oh well!
> People don't always respond, some might even look at you strangely - oh well!
Why do you assume you're someone worth having a random conversation with at all? This is a sincere question.
In my experience of people trying to engage me in conversation, none of them are worth the time. At best I've had a social interaction that basically amounted to being on hold on the phone for five minutes while I struggle to work out what these people want and I'm usually left none the wiser; at worst I've had to listen to idiots segue from discussing the weather to holding forth on a variety of lunatic-fringe causes. Time wasted.
On the rare times I've tried to engage people in conversation they react like I would: impatience that I'm wasting their time, and/or blank looks.
I'd really discourage anyone trying to randomly engage people in conversation unless you're sure you really have some kind of shared interest. IE, you're at a gig, you might imagine then that you could have a meaningful conversation with someone there about the band you are both there to listen to.
Not parent, but the idea that a conversation with a stranger has inherit worth is tied to two ideas that I hold: people have inherit worth, and that can be exchanged through communication.
I find it relatively easy now to find points of commonality with most people I talk to. Some of this could be explained by the value I place on the intangible feeling of understanding and being understood might be an outlier too.
You're absolutely right too in that if you're repeatedly not clicking with someone it probably isn't worth it to keep the conversation going, but even then there are exceptions. I've seen it take several attempts before a conversation takes flight and sometimes even then it dips back into the mundane only to pick back up again a minute or two later. However, people are much less likely to try to find common points of interest if the person they speak to assumes they're an idiot.
> Why do you assume you're someone worth having a random conversation with at all?
...
> On the rare times I've tried to engage people in conversation they react like I would: impatience that I'm wasting their time, and/or blank looks.
> I'd really discourage anyone trying to randomly engage people in conversation unless you're sure you really have some kind of shared interest.
In my experience, the conversations are almost always very positive. Others report positive experiences and find it worthwhile. That suggests you are sadly missing something. The odd thing is, you seem to want to stop others from having these positive experiences.
I reject any question about my worth or anyone's 'worth'. Perhaps part of the problem is that you are thinking about 'worth', and so judgmentally and dubiously, that people don't respond well. People pick up on those signals; they respond poorly to being judged. Or perhaps you are judging your own worth, which would be sad.
I find that my attitude and emotion greatly influences how the conversations go. Especially, give people space to flourish, be curious about them, and you will be amazed at what is inside - worlds of knowledge, insight and creativity that you never imagined. They are in you too, I'm sure.
"man you do that really fast, you must do that a lot!". Typing, swiping at the checkout, asking "would you like fries with that", look to see what struggle they might be having, or what might annoy them. Get into their space and see what is going on and commiserate.
Random people coming up to me, usually stating something perfectly obvious that doesn't need stating ("Cool Hat!/Hey it's Hot Today/How about the footy eh?"), and then trying to converse on a variety of boring subjects (the weather/politics/footy/where I bought my hat/vaccines are evil/Jesus Christ is Our Savior) is a colossal waste of my CPU time.
I agree. Most people who do this are introverted/shy by nature
unhappy with it and this is their method of proving to themselves and the world that they're not. However it ends up being just as awkward and an equal waste of time because it lacks genuine emotion. Don't say anything and be content with it unless it's something you truly want to express. I.e. whatever is natural for you is probably natural for them.
Me too but when I was younger I hated it. It was definitely centered around a fear of being rejected or ridiculed. I eventually learned that my fear was unfounded. Possibly a good use of cognitive behavioral therapy.
For me my fears were richly justified by experience.
Casual conversation with strangers is both complex and subtle, and particularly requires specific face and body language. I think neurotypicals underestimate the complexity because it comes naturally to them.
These days I'm fine at it and have no fear. But getting rid of the fear took getting good at it and doing it enough to compensate for those older experiences.
I'm wary of claims that neurotypicals are somehow better at it. Seems more likely that nobody is as good as most everyone assumes they are. That is, self assessment is a known hard problem. Assessment of others would have many of the same traps.
There are well recognized patterns in specific types of ‘neuro divergents’ that are fundamental to the conditions and that make it very difficult, if not impossible, to recognize or process common social cues in useful ways. It makes them categorically have a much harder time in this area, for those categories.
What you’re saying is essentially ‘meh, don’t just assume you are hallucinating sometimes just because you’re schizophrenic’.
Maybe? but if they think they are, they very well might be right.
Fair. My wariness comes from knowing a large number of people that claim to have these complications, but are also just rude people.
Which is to say, they may be divergent. That doesn't do much to suggest that others are "better" at this. Turns out that life is hard for most everyone.
I mean rude in the child sense, honestly. Kids can be seen as neuro divergent, sure. But even "typical" ones are often surprisingly rude. Very few people just "know" how to be polite.
Ok, but what would you expect it to look like otherwise, if they could not actually learn those things because their brain was not wired to be able to?
They still are going to grow up, but unlike normal folks, they can’t learn those skills - or if they do, it takes vastly more effort.
Me claim is more to be taken that you should work from the assumption it is hard for everyone. Setting yourself apart as someone that is "just bad" at it is going to reinforce that idea.
Can it be true? Of course. Some folks are also just bad at math.
If it was hard for everyone it wouldn't be such a problem, as presumably people would be more tolerant of others getting it "wrong". As it is, it seems that there's a large cadre of people who not only find it easy, but find the "correct" behaviours so self-evident that they tend to assume that people who don't notice these things (or whose natural preferences are different from the unwritten social norm) are being wilfully offensive.
It is a learned skill. And many norms are not as shared as folks assume they are. As such, I think you are understating how willing folks are to tolerate people getting it "wrong."
I say this as someone that would almost certainly be described as neuro divergent. Fake it till you make it is the norm for social interactions. That and repetition.
Is akin to thinking everyone else is a good dancer. I mean, the more practiced dancers will be better, at large. There are relatively fewer folks that can't dance, compared to those that don't dance.
You seem to be assuming they did not try because they assumed they had an incurable problem.
Why not assume that they did try (and still are), and after failing over and over when others did not, realized they have a problem and are being open about it?
You seem to be denying the problem actually can exist, and blame them for not trying - when you don’t seem to know if they are trying or not. It’s quite odd.
I can be wary of things that I know exist. To the point that I'll argue you seem to be taking my point to an obviously false position.
I'm wary of most labeling of this as normal versus otherwise in people. That is it. It presumes a lot of unfairness that, while it does happen, is often overstated, as well.
I knew people who loved doing that. One of them told me recently that conspiracism has ruined the experience. It is very hard to talk to someone today without eventually hearing a "Did you know that" followed by a baseless conspiracy theory.
But maybe it’s a good thing that people say these things out loud so we can discuss them and maybe convince them otherwise? Or learn that in some cases they might be right?
This doesn't work that well. Conspiracists won't change their mind despite any evidence. Unless you're a very good speaker, trying to argue with them will only give them a "stage" to profess their ideas.
Arguing against an irrational but skilled speaker will only benefit the unreasonable one, specially if you arguments are simple and technical: most people don't understand simplicity or technicalities; but get hypnotized by voice, fear, indignation and a feeling of "if he is that person is right them I'm screwed!"
The best way to counter conspiracists is (I think) leaving them alone and spread rationality among the ones who are still not sick or can be cured.
Ok, but there are "committed conspiracists" and "misinformed conspiracists" or people who haven't thought things through very well, and the latter group(s) may benefit from being able to speak their opinion freely and hear counter-arguments.
No it's not a good thing and you won't ever change someone's mind on their belief in a conspiracy theory, from a one off conversation. people like that have no logical basis for their belief, you can't reason with them using better logic. All you'll end up doing is wasting your time and likely pissing multiple people off. Including yourself. Not worth it.
I think it is good in a way. You're not going to convince them of anything in that ten minute bus stop conversation, not should you try. But it's good for them to have the experience of talking to someone who doesn't believe in their thing, and it's good for both of you to interact with someone you don't share a belief with but still experience them as a person. On the Internet we tend to protect ourselves from the other by replacing them with a caricature. Regardless of who's right and who's wrong that can become a pretty toxic habit.
I find it fascinating that society can support the range of conspiracy and illogical thought out there. I'd always assumed that someone's faulty reasoning would get in their way of their Activities of Daily Living (ADLs), but apparently this is not the case. It's emperically possible to hold the wildest beliefs and still manage a daily existence.
These folks are still hold jobs, pay their bills, raise kids and then meetup with folks on the weekend who sling conspiracy theories that would have been Poe's Law material on 1990s internet.
Maybe I'm wrong in a different way, but at least that means I still have something new to learn.
I feel the same way about people and their media and culturally powered "truths" which are rarely substantiated as fact, and often conflict with conspiracy theories.
Although, I find talking to all sorts of people about their "factual" beliefs about "reality" to be an immensely enjoyable experience. Smart people very often hold the most interesting beliefs.
In my view, I categorize conspiracy theory conversation to be the same as speaking about religion. What I mean by this is I try not to ask poking questions because I want to avoid offending the person's beliefs and I also don't want to make it seem as if I want to get sucked into their religion / conspiracy theory. For the most part though, most conspiracy theories involve faith without evidence. This approach only works when the conspiracy theory isn't tied to urgent action (maybe including inaction or noncompliance) or scapegoating.
That is true, but the point of the article is a little more subtle: not only exposure helps, but most of us hold the irrational belief that strangers are not interested in talking with us, and this study shows that strangers are actually more pleasant and forthcoming than one might think they are.
I am terrible with striking conversations with random people on the street or outside of settings I know I have to meet someone. But the 3 or 4 times in my life I had to interact with complete strangers, or groups of them, it always went better than expected. Anyone that has taken a little MDMA at a party will have experienced it: when you make a point of introducing yourself to everyone, people tend to be quite friendly and open.
> Anyone that has taken a little MDMA at a party will have experienced it: when you make a point of introducing yourself to everyone, people tend to be quite friendly and open
During that MDMA experience of mine I was the only one tripping, and I met all people in that small club, went backstage to chat with the band, joined two ladies and smoothly started dancing and flirting with one of them (but I was too high to take it further. People on ecstasy have a rather unattractive pale look)
The next day I remember how easy it felt, and that the fear of strangers was completely irrational; Certainly, sober I make an even better impression than when I'm high as a kite.
In general, I agree. But most recently, there's one thing that's not (for me, at least) getting easier despite doing it every day: cold water exposure.
I'm someone who HATES HATES HATES cold temperature. Once, while camping in one of the Californian mountains during winter about 8 years ago, I couldn't stand the cold and I ended up stuffing heated hand-warmers in both of my shoes...accidentally fell asleep and woke up blistered feet.
Anyways, starting July 2022 (a little over six months ago), I started cold water exposure. Every morning, as early as 4:30 am, I would force myself to hop in the shower and blast myself with cold water for at least 3 minutes. Sometimes 4 minutes. Now, I've been doing this consistently, every day, since then, and .... it's not getting easier. I still hate it. Every time. But I still do it, every day. But no, definitely not getting "better" at it, I don't think.
During the 3 minutes: mildly physically painful and mentally challenged. After, though, very rewarding — the adrenaline helps wake me up and helps me transition fairly quickly into a state of focus.
> If not, perhaps you could change something in or after the routine to create a positive feedback?
You're probably right: I probably need to start incorporating some better breathing techniques (e.g. Wim Hof).
Came here to suggest him to you. First i read his book, and used the technique there. It’s described in a page or two; you don’t have to read the whole book unless you want to). Now I use his phone app. He also has YouTube videos but I haven’t watched them.
Anyway, his breathing technique really helped me. I have not done cold baths yet, just showers, but it’s been 2 years and I can take a cold shower of any duration now. Started at 10 seconds!
The breathing technique can take 20 minutes so if I’m in a hurry, I skip it and seem to do ok anyway. Not sure how or why, but maybe just by habit.
It can be difficult for people to take that first step though.
I was extremely anxious about making conversation with strangers for years. Actually forcing myself to just do it and accept the uncomfortable feeling I always felt during and afterwards felt like an insurmountable task. I eventually did get mostly competent at it but that process of convincing myself to start and keep going probably took years.
"At its heart, our intervention is simple: it involves repeatedly approaching and talking to strangers."
So... the "intervention" to help people gain confidence talking to strangers was to have them talk to a bunch of strangers. What an odd thing to make an article about.
I think context is key: who, what, when, where, why.
If I'm picking up my daughter from school, striking up a conversation with someone (i.e. another parent) would be totally different than making chit chat with someone at the bar/club. Often, the thing that previously held me back from talking with someone was fear of rejection, something I really struggled with in my early 20s and found that as I've gotten older (mid 30s now), I'm much more comfortable under my own skin and find it easier to approach strangers. I don't think the fear will ever disappear but, does get easier (in my case) with age.
Start with small talk! It's so valuable in establishing a baseline of "we're two humans in the same condition at heart, and the first thing I'm offering is a universally shared experience, and not talking crazy to you or starting a fight (physical or political or otherwise)"
A lot of people think it's just useless filler but it actually is so important and a valuable tool when meeting people!
Talk about the weather! I'm serious! And drop any kind of internal pretension about being too good for such an inane topic (if that applies to you). Embrace it as if you're meeting someone from a distant tribe, and you are both wary of each other, and you want to start things off on a good foot. Talking about things you know you both deal with and think about is literally perfect!
To add to the others comments about small talk. A big blocker to being able to small talk is self-centeredness / self-consciousness. A lot of people think that if they say something to someone they will be evaluated and that's almost never the case.
Unless you look homeless or like you are selling something, and unless the other person is mentally ill, they will welcome you speaking to them.
And then in terms of content, jokes, questions, and observations work well.
For example, if someone's with a small kid, I'll ask how old the kid is. If someone's driving a family SUV (something I know about from having shopped for one last year) I'll ask how they like it. Or just comment - I like your cars, actually considered it last year.
Make a joke, even a lame one. Long line at the coffee shop? "Wow I need a coffee just to get a coffee here!" Or even dumb stuff like "that's a huge menu, I don't see coffee on it"
Etc. The main thing is - if you are coming from a place of being human, it will come across as such. Content matters less.
I am a pretty asocial dude. But I think I can make a decent first impression by being a "social chameleon".
- recognize the environment you are in
- what are the common ideas that are popular within that space
- wait for a cue and say something interesting that opens up to a response
- listen and contribute to the conversation
- start by almost telling a story or making a comment.
- having a friend with you will 10x your confidence in being more open to these conversation
- make sure you are not tired and you really are committed to have a discussion
Recognize the fact you can't easily have a good conversation with a random stranger. You need to have something in common with them. The less things you have in common with them the more reluctant you will feel to invest in having a casual conversation with them.
I'm also fairly asocial. I can be 'on' for maybe an hour before social fatigue sets in. The bigger the crowd, the smaller the half-life of my social energy.
Something situational. "This is a pretty good party! X always seems to do a good job getting interesting folks together."
Start small, work up. Don't start with a long story. Maybe skip the questions, which obligates the other to come up with something, making them uncomfortable. Make a statement about something neutral, or about yourself. See if it gets a response. No? Move on.
A simple comment on the situation is a great ice breaker.
After that, the simplest trick is to ask questions that get them talking about themselves. Most people are more than happy to talk about something they're familiar with, so asking something that only they can answer ("So who do you know here?", "What do you do for a living?", "What are some of your hobbies?") will get the conversation flowing.
Anything that you both see happening. For example commenting on a cute dog passing by is a great conversation starter because everyone likes cute animals but everyone has a different opinion on what makes them cute.
Some people will go for your conversational hook and jump in. Others will ignore you. That's just life and normal, don't worry about it.
If someone joins your conversation, be sure to give them plenty of space and time to talk themselves. Most people who feel shy make the mistake of filing every conversational gap and every silent minute. But that other person maybe just needs a moment to remember a funny story to tell you.
Specifically with cashiers at checkout, I find the question “has it been busy today?” almost always generates an enthusiastic response (“yeah, super busy!” or “no, not really!”)
Much to my surprise, I volunteered as a door-to-door political canvasser some years back. It's not strictly out-and-about strangers as suggested here, but these people were unknown to me and I was unknown to them. It just happened to be on their porch.
I was initially petrified, but I figured out some extremely effective tricks to establish a rapport _before_ launching into my political script.
As I'm walking up to the house, I'm looking for decorations, plants, the porchlight. Especially the porchlight.
Ring the bell, knock on the door.
"Hey, good evening! Yeah before I get into that (gesture at campaign button pinned to my chest), I noticed you have a compact fluorescent bulb out here. And right away I'm pretty sure we see eye to eye on some environmental issues."
Smirk or smile. Instant connection. Literally nobody I used that opener on, ever turned me away. Which is a heck of a statistic given the overall reception that political canvassers got that year.
Things I'm not commenting on: The car in the driveway (not sure it's theirs), the trash in the yard (don't bring up a negative), the peeling paint (not their fault, they're probably busy, etc).
So if you're looking for a way to make a connection with a stranger, look for something they did _on purpose_. Not their physique, unless they're obviously a bodybuilder or something, that's usually unintentional and many people are self-conscious about it. But they definitely picked out that funny slogan T-shirt, or the buttons pinned to their bag, or the scarf in the colors of the local sports team's rival. All those things are statements they're making _on purpose_ to the world they're walking through, and you're in the clear to comment on them.
This is what I liked about commuting in public bus during my undergrad in india. I could easily start conversations with strangers and learn so many things
I’ve found that being a native english speaker and offering to have quick calls/chats with those who are learning is a great way to chat with new people. I get to meet cool people from all around the world, it’s a great experience and I haven’t had to deal with any weirdos, unlike stranger chat websites where finding someone normal is a challenge. I specifically joined an English discord server, you’ll be surprised how many people will want to contact you if you just introduce yourself as a native speaker whiling to talk.
Since developing my hobby -- photography, I always talk to strangers. Or more accurately, they always talk to me. People are always interested in what I am photographing. My advice is take up a hobby you can do outside. Not only does it give you something to talk about, but it also makes you seem like a fun person to talk to (a person with hobbies is likely to be more healthy and normal than one without). Plus if you are doing something it likely means you are in a good mood and aren't likely to be someone to take up another person's time too much. It restricts the space of likely outcomes of a chance encounter to be mostly good outcomes.
And American at that. America is super extroverted culture where small talk is expected. UK is close culturally. People's interpretation in other cuktire will be different
Not sure if this is anything ground breaking. I used to have a fear of talking to strangers, but as life would have it I had not choice but to get a customer facing job, which meant approaching strangers and talking to them.
It was terrifying, but after a couple of days I wouldn't even think about it. It became nothing.
Then after I left that job after a couple of months the same fear has come back and it was difficult again.
The study was important, but limited in the usual way? Some 20-something college students, many paid to perform the study?
In my mind it underscores the need to introduce folks at a younger age to social situations. It's a problem that college students still can't talk to strangers.
How about a High School program of 'meet a random classmate' or some such? It's all about exposure and becoming resilient.
> many people fear social interactions with strangers due to worries about rejection
Actually, no, I don't initiate interactions with strangers because I'm male and a good chunk of the population would think I'm a creep if I try to interact with them.
It wasn't entirely clear from this article, but the intervention itself is the scavenger hunt and associated instructions. From the supplementary material: "Participants in the treatment condition were asked to talk to the person for at least a couple minutes, whereas participants in the control condition were simply asked to observe the person for at least a couple minutes". And from the related work this is based on previous research: "This suggests a promising intervention strategy: give people concentrated and repeated practice talking to strangers, so that they may realize their fears are exaggerated."
Some days I’m super chatty and will talk to whoever in person or online. But I really don’t get the obsession society has at large with small talk and socializing. I’ll happily go weeks with no human contact.
People losing their shit over the pandemic lockdowns was cracking me up. “Omg can’t socialize how I want for a few months!!”
Is there something governments can do to make their citizens talk to strangers more often?
Society seems to be going in the opposite direction (e.g. self-checkouts at supermarkets, government services being available over the internet, online shops, online gaming, etc.)
> A government doesn't actually need to be the director or curator of a country's culture
A government, particularly local government, will strongly direct community culture whether it seeks to or not. Particularly zoning and construction planning will influence the space people do or do not have available for meeting and socializing. The trend in the US seems to be to spread people out and privatize most or all "public" social spaces. I wouldn't attribute this shift to governments intentionally trying to shift culture to being more isolated, but that is the outcome regardless. This means that the only real counter to this shift is to get governments to consider the social impact of planning and factor it into their decision making.
Something I noticed is that religion is a great "forcing function" for a lot of healthy behavior including socialization.
If your daily or weekly life involves going to a Church, synagogue, it something else- you have a built in structure for being around and interacting with people.
It's interesting for me to think about - religion declined as percentage of population in recent decades but I suspect in the long run (1/2 generations) religion provides enough antidote to things that plague secular society (isolation, depression, childlessness) that it might swing the percentages in the other direction.
I had a secular upbringing and basically the dream secular life in my 20s and 30s: overeducated, single in NYC, dating a ton, traveling the world, etc.
Then I got married and had kids and realized that this "boring mainstream" life is peak experience.
In other words, it took me 20 extra years to arrive at a life that someone brought up religious would just consider the default.
Like I said, I am sure there are extreme cases and I am not talking about those. Just talking about the base case, religious folks' default life path feels healthier.
Purity culture is something else and way much more then just having a family.
It, among other things, may mean marrying at 18 to a partner you dated very shortly and never seen alone. Because anything else is sin. And then you are locked in for life.
And that is not nearly the same as marrying when mature and having partner you actually know. It can be special kind of hell.
Why would a government have anything to do with this?
But if you insist: the best thing a government can do is to have some civic service which any kind of person can be called to do (not just the unenemployed, the retired, or other such people that the govt. wants to “keep busy”). There’s nothing that bonds more (between strangers) than reluctantly having to do some task because either Nature or Government is forcing you to. ;)
Or just facilitate the creation and running of volunteer groups.
I'm always puzzled when I read people talking about how government should do something. It might sound cynical but really it isn't:
Governments are effective only at one thing and it's killing people (war).
You should not expect much from government.
Most of the stranger's conversations I ever overheard in the US were about rather common topics, like sports, pop culture, children & schools, etc. What if someone doesn't know much or care about such things, but still wants the "well-documented benefits, such as increased happiness, better health, and stronger sense of belonging"?
I'm new to the US and come from a different culture where the common topics have little in common with what you'd talk to strangers in the US. I'd love to talk about less common topics, like science, tech, AI, philosophy — basically what is being discussed here in HN, but in the real life. Is there a hope for me to become less lonely?
Maybe more in the context of interest-based groups than talking to random strangers.
Depending on where you are, there might be online or offline meetups around these topics that you could join to meet other people that share your interests.
Notwithstanding the valid criticism of this being a typical "we solicited a bunch of university students to XYZ" study...
> People’s beliefs changed slowly throughout the course of the study
this is interesting: It's not just people's behavior patterns that change quickly, it's even their _beliefs_ - and even when they know they were being manipulated. An example of the extent to which "social being determines consciousness".
This isn't really news; it's just exposure therapy, which is pretty well known. Habituation is everything in these domains. I do like the scavenger hunt though. That's a good icebreaker. The list is at the very end of the study by the way[1]. These seem pretty difficult for someone with social anxiety or poor smalltalking skills though.
Al Fresco Find someone outdoors, and [talk to/observe] them for a few minutes.
All Smiles Find someone who seems friendly and [talk to/observe] them for a few minutes.
Artsy Find someone who looks artistic and [talk to/observe] them for a few minutes.
Blue Mood Find someone who looks sad and [talk to/observe] them for a few minutes.
Bossy Pants Find someone who looks like a leader and [talk to/observe] them for a few minutes.
Caffeination Station Find a barista/server and [talk to/observe] them for a few minutes.
Coffee Break Find someone who's drinking a coffee and [talk to/observe] them for a few minutes.
Do Gooder Find someone who seems like a nice or kind person and [talk to/observe] them for a few minutes.
Fashionista Find someone who's accessorizing (e.g., wearing a scarf, hat…) and [talk to/observe] them for a few minutes.
Fun Fabric Find someone wearing stand-out print (e.g., stripes, animal-print) and [talk to/observe] them for a few minutes.
Graphic Tee Find someone who is wearing an interesting shirt and [talk to/observe] them for a few minutes.
Hot Find someone whom you find attractive and [talk to/observe] them for a few minutes.
Hungry Find someone who's eating and [talk to/observe] them for a few minutes.
Inked Up Find someone who has a tattoo and [talk to/observe] them for a few minutes.
Inside Find someone indoors and [talk to/observe] them for a few minutes.
Jock Find someone sporty and [talk to/observe] them for a few minutes.
Kickin’ It Find someone who is wearing interesting shoes and [talk to/observe] them for a few minutes.
Line Up Find someone who's waiting in a queue/line and [talk to/observe] them for a few minutes.
Manscape Find someone who has a beard/goatee/etc. and [talk to/observe] them for a few minutes.
Minion Find someone who is wearing a uniform and [talk to/observe] them for a few minutes.
Nailed It Find someone who has funky nails (e.g., unusual shade, fancy design) and [talk to/observe] them for a few minutes.
Next Gen Find someone who's from a different generation than you and [talk to/observe] them for a few minutes.
On Top Find someone who is wearing a hat and [talk to/observe] them for a few minutes.
Ray of Sunshine Find someone who looks happy and [talk to/observe] them for a few minutes.
Sexy Find someone whose gender differs from yours and [talk to/observe] them for a few minutes.
Skin Deep Find someone whose skin tone is different from yours and [talk to/observe] them for a few minutes.
Twins Find someone wearing the same thing as you (hair style, shirt, shoes, etc.) and [talk to/observe] them for a few minutes.
Unicorn Find someone who has eye-catching hair (e.g., pink tips), dyed hair, or a cool hair style and [talk to/observe] them for a few minutes.
Wild Card x 2 Find anyone of your choosing and [talk to/observe] them for a few minutes.
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[ 3.7 ms ] story [ 100 ms ] threadMost of the problem is anxiety. As with anything new, you'll get over it as it becomes familiar. Be patient with yourself.
The bus is late, again, say 'Not again! Are the other buses always late?'
Their fingernail polish catches your eye, say, 'hey - that's great. I love the color/design/etc.'
People don't always respond, some might even look at you strangely - oh well!
Why do you assume you're someone worth having a random conversation with at all? This is a sincere question.
In my experience of people trying to engage me in conversation, none of them are worth the time. At best I've had a social interaction that basically amounted to being on hold on the phone for five minutes while I struggle to work out what these people want and I'm usually left none the wiser; at worst I've had to listen to idiots segue from discussing the weather to holding forth on a variety of lunatic-fringe causes. Time wasted.
On the rare times I've tried to engage people in conversation they react like I would: impatience that I'm wasting their time, and/or blank looks.
I'd really discourage anyone trying to randomly engage people in conversation unless you're sure you really have some kind of shared interest. IE, you're at a gig, you might imagine then that you could have a meaningful conversation with someone there about the band you are both there to listen to.
I find it relatively easy now to find points of commonality with most people I talk to. Some of this could be explained by the value I place on the intangible feeling of understanding and being understood might be an outlier too.
You're absolutely right too in that if you're repeatedly not clicking with someone it probably isn't worth it to keep the conversation going, but even then there are exceptions. I've seen it take several attempts before a conversation takes flight and sometimes even then it dips back into the mundane only to pick back up again a minute or two later. However, people are much less likely to try to find common points of interest if the person they speak to assumes they're an idiot.
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> On the rare times I've tried to engage people in conversation they react like I would: impatience that I'm wasting their time, and/or blank looks.
> I'd really discourage anyone trying to randomly engage people in conversation unless you're sure you really have some kind of shared interest.
In my experience, the conversations are almost always very positive. Others report positive experiences and find it worthwhile. That suggests you are sadly missing something. The odd thing is, you seem to want to stop others from having these positive experiences.
I reject any question about my worth or anyone's 'worth'. Perhaps part of the problem is that you are thinking about 'worth', and so judgmentally and dubiously, that people don't respond well. People pick up on those signals; they respond poorly to being judged. Or perhaps you are judging your own worth, which would be sad.
I find that my attitude and emotion greatly influences how the conversations go. Especially, give people space to flourish, be curious about them, and you will be amazed at what is inside - worlds of knowledge, insight and creativity that you never imagined. They are in you too, I'm sure.
Random people coming up to me, usually stating something perfectly obvious that doesn't need stating ("Cool Hat!/Hey it's Hot Today/How about the footy eh?"), and then trying to converse on a variety of boring subjects (the weather/politics/footy/where I bought my hat/vaccines are evil/Jesus Christ is Our Savior) is a colossal waste of my CPU time.
Don't be that annoying person. Live and let live.
Casual conversation with strangers is both complex and subtle, and particularly requires specific face and body language. I think neurotypicals underestimate the complexity because it comes naturally to them.
These days I'm fine at it and have no fear. But getting rid of the fear took getting good at it and doing it enough to compensate for those older experiences.
What you’re saying is essentially ‘meh, don’t just assume you are hallucinating sometimes just because you’re schizophrenic’.
Maybe? but if they think they are, they very well might be right.
Which is to say, they may be divergent. That doesn't do much to suggest that others are "better" at this. Turns out that life is hard for most everyone.
That sounds like you’re complaining that said schizophrenic in the prior example just ‘seems a little crazy’, but life is tough for everyone?
They still are going to grow up, but unlike normal folks, they can’t learn those skills - or if they do, it takes vastly more effort.
Can it be true? Of course. Some folks are also just bad at math.
I say this as someone that would almost certainly be described as neuro divergent. Fake it till you make it is the norm for social interactions. That and repetition.
Is akin to thinking everyone else is a good dancer. I mean, the more practiced dancers will be better, at large. There are relatively fewer folks that can't dance, compared to those that don't dance.
Why not assume that they did try (and still are), and after failing over and over when others did not, realized they have a problem and are being open about it?
You seem to be denying the problem actually can exist, and blame them for not trying - when you don’t seem to know if they are trying or not. It’s quite odd.
I'm wary of most labeling of this as normal versus otherwise in people. That is it. It presumes a lot of unfairness that, while it does happen, is often overstated, as well.
Arguing against an irrational but skilled speaker will only benefit the unreasonable one, specially if you arguments are simple and technical: most people don't understand simplicity or technicalities; but get hypnotized by voice, fear, indignation and a feeling of "if he is that person is right them I'm screwed!"
The best way to counter conspiracists is (I think) leaving them alone and spread rationality among the ones who are still not sick or can be cured.
These folks are still hold jobs, pay their bills, raise kids and then meetup with folks on the weekend who sling conspiracy theories that would have been Poe's Law material on 1990s internet.
Maybe I'm wrong in a different way, but at least that means I still have something new to learn.
Although, I find talking to all sorts of people about their "factual" beliefs about "reality" to be an immensely enjoyable experience. Smart people very often hold the most interesting beliefs.
I am terrible with striking conversations with random people on the street or outside of settings I know I have to meet someone. But the 3 or 4 times in my life I had to interact with complete strangers, or groups of them, it always went better than expected. Anyone that has taken a little MDMA at a party will have experienced it: when you make a point of introducing yourself to everyone, people tend to be quite friendly and open.
Especially if everyone else is on MDMA as well...
The next day I remember how easy it felt, and that the fear of strangers was completely irrational; Certainly, sober I make an even better impression than when I'm high as a kite.
I'm someone who HATES HATES HATES cold temperature. Once, while camping in one of the Californian mountains during winter about 8 years ago, I couldn't stand the cold and I ended up stuffing heated hand-warmers in both of my shoes...accidentally fell asleep and woke up blistered feet.
Anyways, starting July 2022 (a little over six months ago), I started cold water exposure. Every morning, as early as 4:30 am, I would force myself to hop in the shower and blast myself with cold water for at least 3 minutes. Sometimes 4 minutes. Now, I've been doing this consistently, every day, since then, and .... it's not getting easier. I still hate it. Every time. But I still do it, every day. But no, definitely not getting "better" at it, I don't think.
If not, perhaps you could change something in or after the routine to create a positive feedback?
> If not, perhaps you could change something in or after the routine to create a positive feedback?
You're probably right: I probably need to start incorporating some better breathing techniques (e.g. Wim Hof).
Came here to suggest him to you. First i read his book, and used the technique there. It’s described in a page or two; you don’t have to read the whole book unless you want to). Now I use his phone app. He also has YouTube videos but I haven’t watched them.
Anyway, his breathing technique really helped me. I have not done cold baths yet, just showers, but it’s been 2 years and I can take a cold shower of any duration now. Started at 10 seconds!
The breathing technique can take 20 minutes so if I’m in a hurry, I skip it and seem to do ok anyway. Not sure how or why, but maybe just by habit.
I was extremely anxious about making conversation with strangers for years. Actually forcing myself to just do it and accept the uncomfortable feeling I always felt during and afterwards felt like an insurmountable task. I eventually did get mostly competent at it but that process of convincing myself to start and keep going probably took years.
So... the "intervention" to help people gain confidence talking to strangers was to have them talk to a bunch of strangers. What an odd thing to make an article about.
If I'm picking up my daughter from school, striking up a conversation with someone (i.e. another parent) would be totally different than making chit chat with someone at the bar/club. Often, the thing that previously held me back from talking with someone was fear of rejection, something I really struggled with in my early 20s and found that as I've gotten older (mid 30s now), I'm much more comfortable under my own skin and find it easier to approach strangers. I don't think the fear will ever disappear but, does get easier (in my case) with age.
A lot of people think it's just useless filler but it actually is so important and a valuable tool when meeting people!
Talk about the weather! I'm serious! And drop any kind of internal pretension about being too good for such an inane topic (if that applies to you). Embrace it as if you're meeting someone from a distant tribe, and you are both wary of each other, and you want to start things off on a good foot. Talking about things you know you both deal with and think about is literally perfect!
Unless you look homeless or like you are selling something, and unless the other person is mentally ill, they will welcome you speaking to them.
And then in terms of content, jokes, questions, and observations work well.
For example, if someone's with a small kid, I'll ask how old the kid is. If someone's driving a family SUV (something I know about from having shopped for one last year) I'll ask how they like it. Or just comment - I like your cars, actually considered it last year.
Make a joke, even a lame one. Long line at the coffee shop? "Wow I need a coffee just to get a coffee here!" Or even dumb stuff like "that's a huge menu, I don't see coffee on it"
Etc. The main thing is - if you are coming from a place of being human, it will come across as such. Content matters less.
https://a.co/d/cinkdXJ
- recognize the environment you are in
- what are the common ideas that are popular within that space
- wait for a cue and say something interesting that opens up to a response
- listen and contribute to the conversation
- start by almost telling a story or making a comment.
- having a friend with you will 10x your confidence in being more open to these conversation
- make sure you are not tired and you really are committed to have a discussion
Recognize the fact you can't easily have a good conversation with a random stranger. You need to have something in common with them. The less things you have in common with them the more reluctant you will feel to invest in having a casual conversation with them.
I'm also fairly asocial. I can be 'on' for maybe an hour before social fatigue sets in. The bigger the crowd, the smaller the half-life of my social energy.
Start small, work up. Don't start with a long story. Maybe skip the questions, which obligates the other to come up with something, making them uncomfortable. Make a statement about something neutral, or about yourself. See if it gets a response. No? Move on.
After that, the simplest trick is to ask questions that get them talking about themselves. Most people are more than happy to talk about something they're familiar with, so asking something that only they can answer ("So who do you know here?", "What do you do for a living?", "What are some of your hobbies?") will get the conversation flowing.
So uh, give that one a try?
Some people will go for your conversational hook and jump in. Others will ignore you. That's just life and normal, don't worry about it.
If someone joins your conversation, be sure to give them plenty of space and time to talk themselves. Most people who feel shy make the mistake of filing every conversational gap and every silent minute. But that other person maybe just needs a moment to remember a funny story to tell you.
I was initially petrified, but I figured out some extremely effective tricks to establish a rapport _before_ launching into my political script.
As I'm walking up to the house, I'm looking for decorations, plants, the porchlight. Especially the porchlight.
Ring the bell, knock on the door.
"Hey, good evening! Yeah before I get into that (gesture at campaign button pinned to my chest), I noticed you have a compact fluorescent bulb out here. And right away I'm pretty sure we see eye to eye on some environmental issues."
Smirk or smile. Instant connection. Literally nobody I used that opener on, ever turned me away. Which is a heck of a statistic given the overall reception that political canvassers got that year.
Things I'm not commenting on: The car in the driveway (not sure it's theirs), the trash in the yard (don't bring up a negative), the peeling paint (not their fault, they're probably busy, etc).
So if you're looking for a way to make a connection with a stranger, look for something they did _on purpose_. Not their physique, unless they're obviously a bodybuilder or something, that's usually unintentional and many people are self-conscious about it. But they definitely picked out that funny slogan T-shirt, or the buttons pinned to their bag, or the scarf in the colors of the local sports team's rival. All those things are statements they're making _on purpose_ to the world they're walking through, and you're in the clear to comment on them.
How to Talk to Anyone https://amzn.to/3YKFc21
The discussion here is interesting, but the research itself falls to the typical psychology research trap of using university students.
HN: Yes, in this very specific instance! Move along, nothing to see here!
In my mind it underscores the need to introduce folks at a younger age to social situations. It's a problem that college students still can't talk to strangers.
How about a High School program of 'meet a random classmate' or some such? It's all about exposure and becoming resilient.
Actually, no, I don't initiate interactions with strangers because I'm male and a good chunk of the population would think I'm a creep if I try to interact with them.
People losing their shit over the pandemic lockdowns was cracking me up. “Omg can’t socialize how I want for a few months!!”
Society seems to be going in the opposite direction (e.g. self-checkouts at supermarkets, government services being available over the internet, online shops, online gaming, etc.)
A government doesn't actually need to be the director or curator of a country's culture, even though it is in a position of great influence.
A government, particularly local government, will strongly direct community culture whether it seeks to or not. Particularly zoning and construction planning will influence the space people do or do not have available for meeting and socializing. The trend in the US seems to be to spread people out and privatize most or all "public" social spaces. I wouldn't attribute this shift to governments intentionally trying to shift culture to being more isolated, but that is the outcome regardless. This means that the only real counter to this shift is to get governments to consider the social impact of planning and factor it into their decision making.
If your daily or weekly life involves going to a Church, synagogue, it something else- you have a built in structure for being around and interacting with people.
It's interesting for me to think about - religion declined as percentage of population in recent decades but I suspect in the long run (1/2 generations) religion provides enough antidote to things that plague secular society (isolation, depression, childlessness) that it might swing the percentages in the other direction.
And for a lot of unhealthy behavior too.
Then I got married and had kids and realized that this "boring mainstream" life is peak experience.
In other words, it took me 20 extra years to arrive at a life that someone brought up religious would just consider the default.
Like I said, I am sure there are extreme cases and I am not talking about those. Just talking about the base case, religious folks' default life path feels healthier.
It, among other things, may mean marrying at 18 to a partner you dated very shortly and never seen alone. Because anything else is sin. And then you are locked in for life.
And that is not nearly the same as marrying when mature and having partner you actually know. It can be special kind of hell.
But if you insist: the best thing a government can do is to have some civic service which any kind of person can be called to do (not just the unenemployed, the retired, or other such people that the govt. wants to “keep busy”). There’s nothing that bonds more (between strangers) than reluctantly having to do some task because either Nature or Government is forcing you to. ;)
Or just facilitate the creation and running of volunteer groups.
- https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rejection_Therapy
- https://www.rejectiontherapy.com/
I'm new to the US and come from a different culture where the common topics have little in common with what you'd talk to strangers in the US. I'd love to talk about less common topics, like science, tech, AI, philosophy — basically what is being discussed here in HN, but in the real life. Is there a hope for me to become less lonely?
Depending on where you are, there might be online or offline meetups around these topics that you could join to meet other people that share your interests.
> People’s beliefs changed slowly throughout the course of the study
this is interesting: It's not just people's behavior patterns that change quickly, it's even their _beliefs_ - and even when they know they were being manipulated. An example of the extent to which "social being determines consciousness".