Ask HN: Where are all the parties?
I remember parties at friends places, for housewarmings, birthdays, holidays, sports games, barbecuing, karaoke, whatever. I remember parties at work, for people joining the team, for people leaving, for projects kicking off or finishing.
Now my kids are older and it seems that only they get to party. I try my best, invited some people for parties, but we never seem to get invites in return.
Hypotheses I have so far:
- I'm just getting old (closing in on 50) and people my age don't party anymore
- COVID happened and we still haven't restarted partying the way we used to
- I'm just unlucky with my set of friends and need to renew my friendships
Very interested in both macro trends (eg is partying overall just down) as well as things that you've done at individual level to restart party life.
438 comments
[ 2.8 ms ] story [ 308 ms ] threadWe all know the solution! Over provisioning. Leave some slack in your calendars damnit.
"Leaving slack" is impossible, they don't have enough free time to do everything they are committed to. It would make the situation worse.
Also, try to remember how many old geezers you had in your parties when they were held? Yep, close to none. Now we are that category.
I know as I've gotten older (still younger than OP but well on my way), my tastes have changed and mellowed. Gone are the days where me and my friends want to be in a noisy, booze-filled environment. Dining out, theatre trips, hiking, even an international holiday with friends to take part in a running event. Just no parties.
Think about it like this: unless you have been declining parties regularly in the past years it is safe to say you have a selective bias in your friends towards people who don't really do parties (either they don't want to or they don't prioritiize them in their schedules).
The upside is the more you party the more you will find people in your friends group who also like to party and it is a feedback loop with increasing opportunities.
Not sure where you are at in life, but I like the concept of a salon as a form of party (if you need inspiration): https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Salon_(gathering)
With COVID, many people moved out of the city centre with the option of remote/hybrid work. That means less people can drink at the work parties. Instead of just catching a bus home or walking, they need to drive to the office.
The people I'm still in contact with said the work party group is basically dead now.
For personal parties, that solely depends on your friend group.
So if you want parties, organise some. But maybe first check what the Covid infection rates in your area are...
- People have become more and more anti social since the introduction of the smart phone.
- Intense schooling has made people apathetic to life and reluctant towards taking any initiative.
- Wealthy individuals don't need to host parties to impress their communities anymore.
- Sex soliciting apps like Tinder makes parties a place where the action isn't anymore.
- Young adults are extremely poor today. They don't have houses to throw parties in, they're too old to throw them in their parents houses, their landlord will complain if they throw a party in their apartment.
- People are afraid of being filmed when drunk and embarrassing themselves.
- Men are afraid of false sexual accusations.
- It is difficult to cater to people today if you serve food at your party or even throw a dinner. Everybody has allergies, diets and other eating problems, and they're not ashamed to demand you adapt to them.
- Wide spread narcissism. Young women and men stopped having conversations with each other at parties.
- People don't have patience to talk to each other and don't understand how to find something interesting in their fellow man.
- And yes, you're getting older.
But the number one reason I think is that the people who have been keeping up the good fight and throwing parties, barbecues, dinners and other events are sick and tired of always having to host and always invite people. So many people just float along and expect others to plan everything, contributing nothing themselves.
During the many years of schooling in childhood and being raised by parents who were also schooled, most people have had it hammered into their head that the worst crime you can do is come up with an idea or suggest something out of the routine. Of course they will not throw a party.
Do you honestly believe that "housewarmings, birthdays, holidays, sports games, barbecuing, karaoke, ... parties ... for people joining the team, for people leaving, for projects kicking off or finishing" have decreased because of the prevalence of false sexual accusations, allergies, smartphones, or intense goal-driven schooling?
Do you have a credible reason to think that poverty of young adults, narcissism, or lack of patience, is materially different and has a material effect on the number of parties in the present day compared to 10 or 20 years ago?
Would you also claim that there haven't been other prior time periods where people were just as poor, self-centered or impatient as they are now, and there were more parties? Or is the claim only based on interpolation of specific, correlated changes in the recent past?
What should the parent comment's claim be based on?
The last paragraph of your comment is hard for me to understand.
Does this form the basis of a well-evidenced claim that there are fewer parties because of increased poverty, narcissism or impatience? Of course not, because there are lots of other time periods we can easily look at.
For example, in the 1950s young people were probably on average poorer than they are now. Perhaps they were also more narcissistic, or equally narcissistic as they are now. Were there also fewer parties? If not, this suggests there is something wrong with the theory.
My question to the GP is: do they believe that there are no time periods like the 1950s in my example, which might raise doubt about their theories? If they think there aren't any, is it because we have never been so poor and narcissistic as we are now? Or is it because there have never been so many parties at any prior time period, as there were in the golden age they identified where we were at our least poor and narcissistic (whenever that might be)? If there are such periods, why isn't that part of their theory? If 'the 1950s' were different, what is it that makes them different, and is that reflected in the theory?
It should be clear here, that any variable which has moved monotonically in one direction for ever and so is currently at a global extreme, is correlated with every other, especially if it is a phenomenon which can't be measured in formal units (like narcissism or fear of strangers). Saying that (satirizing the GP here) 'we have never had so many smartphones, and we have also never had so many allergies, therefore allergies are caused by smartphones', is laughably easy to dismiss, for a number of reasons.
I totally agree hosting parties at home is much more problematic as people live closer together and get annoyed. I can see it around me a lot. I live in a major partying neighborhood (50m from the most infamous square in town for noise) and I don't care about the noise because it makes me feel good hearing people having fun. But my neighbors hate it. And most of them have moved here in the last decade knowing full well what they were getting into.
When you have a free standing house it's really a different story.
There were plenty of people who couldn't afford a house with a garden, or who didn't have one for other reasons, or who were not married or had a different type of family structure, or men who didn't work, or women who did work. But they were made invisible by the lack of portrayal, both in that society's image of itself, and in our image of that society.
(Or by a different mechanism: when people outside of that structure were portrayed, it was as outsiders and aberrations, whereas married couples with children who lived in houses were portrayed as the norm. For example, the protagonist of 'On the Road', commonly associated with that era, does not have a fixed address or a job, nor a wife, nor children. The protagonist of 'Invisible Man', a book central to the discourse of who does and does not get represented in media, lives in a basement apartment alone without a wife or family. The protagonist of 'The Bell Jar' is a woman who lives alone in an apartment in New York while working at a job, then in her mother's house, then in a mental asylum.)
You’re absolutely right though that that’s a blind in the assessment. My wife went to exactly one college party then never again after a guy literally tried to jump out at her from the bushes.
Though I'd add to that that the common awareness--an acceptance of speaking publicly about and solidarity in not standing for--sexual assault, is something that has grown dramatically in the past decade for women. In the past many of these things would be covered in shame and swept under the rug but now the issues are more visible and many younger women are taking more active roles in fighting back against abuse. Many young men are working hard to be good allies in this as well.
It's something we can't know but I also wonder how widespread a fear of false allegation truly is. In my experience I've only heard it raised by men who have otherwise displayed misogynistic tendencies and, in the face of other perceived dangers, confidence to the point of arrogance. It's always struck me, ironically, as a false flag fear that is used to stir up distrust in the stories of women and to create a societal backdrop where sexual assault is easier to carry out. Obviously I can't share statistics or research on this point, but it's been my personal experience and it's a feeling I'd like to share with this community.
Thankfully we have made some progress in other areas. I can't imagine a thread where someone claims they'd choose not to socialise because they're afraid of non-whites labeling then as racist only to be met with supporters asking "huh, why is this fear irrational?" when they're called out on it.
Note that I was speaking of fear of being falsely accused, not rightly accused. Men who expose themselves or commit other sexual crimes have no such concerns. They also live among your circles, believe it or not.
The world is bigger than your strictly enforced American bipartisan ideology. My experience is from places where there exist no republicans or democrats - long before people such as Trump or Andrew Tate were widely talked about.
https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=34244423
>But if the man decide to not want to be a "slave" of the woman who "doesn't love him anymore" he must pay or go to prison. Yay reproductive rights for me but not for thee! How dare man not wanting to slave away at the benefits of women! And let's remember that in EVERY society men pay ALL the taxes and women are ALWAYS net beneficiaries, not exactly "slaves".
Why are you of the view that this is an irrational fear?
Neither is sexual assault. Now try to use said justification against a victim. What is happening is that the empress is naked and we are not impressed by her accusations.
Have you ever been close with a woman who didn't have multiple stories of assault to share. I haven't. Literally every woman I've ever dated, every woman in my immediate family and many of of close friends have talked to be about it, and it doesn't happen to them just once either. And we live in ostensibly one of the safest parts of the world, with plenty of money and good policing etc.
This isn't to mention the literal thousands of women showing up involuntarily on revenge porn websites every day, the creepshot websites, the harassment subreddits...
Nor the domestic abuse/spousal coercian (or the femicide that can follow!)
It's, like, literally super common. I'm sorry but if you think otherwise you need to listen better to the women around you.
Just think about it: The vast majority of sexual assault goes unreported, and the only a tiny percentage of reports are made maliciously. It's clear from napkin maths that sexual assault is orders of magnitude more common than false accusation.
The empress may well be naked but it's because men have ripped her clothes off.
I don't believe this risk is high enough to dissuade people from partying, but let's not pretend it doesn't exist.
What do you mean by this?
I would argue contrariwise, the education today is bad because the textbooks are devoid of content and nobody can recite any of the little they have. For my parents' generation it was not unexceptional for people to cite poems from memory. I have bunch of their middle school books, and it appears they read more and longer texts for middle school than some university students today. During my grandfather's time kids were expected to recite a chapters of textbooks aloud in front of class, and he also remembered good bunch chunks from the Bible.
Compared to that, fill-in textbooks we used when I was in school seem a bit underwhelming -- and I am in my 30s. Kids today use e-learning environment (makes direct comparisons difficult).
Today, very few people appear to read anything, let alone books, even fewer remembers anything. Thus conversations about anything factual seem often pointless. But it is not like one can blame anyone for that, it only makes sense: Why truly should I remember anything when I can flip out a smartphone and hit query to a search engine? But people reading the same Wikipedia article or repeating the same news cycle talking points at each other makes for a boring conversation.
Perhaps YMMV?
I was unclear earlier, but I exclusively mean the schooling during childhood years. After puberty things change, but learned behaviors stick for life.
If you invite people to a party, I think they are most likely to bring their spouse/SO so you are thus unlikely to meet new people that might reciprocate.
The one exception to this is the dinner party. A main stay of the UK Upper Middle Class that have a dining room that can seat 12 and a cook/housekeeper.
Still, your friend is upper middle-class. These people, especially if old, went through an “easier” time and built quite a wealth now (doing the same today is practically impossible).
I tend to have to do it because a lot of my friends are poor and live in cramped living conditions.
The equivalent is going to the pub. That's what it's for.
Recently we've tried organising two events. A get-well party for a friend and an in-person DnD session. Both are scheduled to happen soon but planning began back in October or November. When organising 6 people in to a room together takes three months notice i can see why people don't bother so much....
If I had to guess, COVID and aging weakened the bonds in your social circle. Just start to reach out to old friends again and try to find new ones. There are a lot of interesting people out there, probably eager to have a good party.
First problem, we don't really have that many friends. Back in the day, it felt natural to invite anyone you remotely knew but today, not so much. So, only those that we had some kind of deeper relationship got on the list, in total maybe 30 people or so, almost all couples.
Second problem, we have moved around so a fair number of those we wanted to invite do not live in the same city as us. This meant travelling for them but many were fine to do it, however it gave rise to two other problems.
Third problem. Back in the day when there were parties, people could drop by and so it didn't feel it had to be so ambitious, but now since people were travelling, we have to have a proper dinner party. Lots of cost, lots of arrangements, not something that I want to do very often.
Fourth problem. Back in the day, there wasn't a day tomorrow. At the age of 50. there's always a day tomorrow. We had bought alcohol as if we were 20 but with the economy of two DINKs (they've moved out). Maybe 20% was consumed because "there's a day tomorrow as well", and frankly quite a few were travelling so they did indeed have to be able to drive reasonably early.
It's just very different having parties at the age of 50 compared to 20, it can't be the same thing, at least not in our circle and I'm quite sad for it.
As a 35 year old who's just had his first kids this makes me sad to read, it really feels like I'm past the age of good parties now.
Pre-covid we were having raucous times every weekend and now there's too much responsibility to imagine that again. And I'm probably getting towards the age where it'd be a bit sad to still do that anyway.
FWIW one place I've lived that seems to care little about age in the party scene is Madrid. Plenty of nights you're just as likely to be partying with 60 year olds as 25 year olds.
Same in Ireland. Funnily enough the party scene there also includes many Spaniards of all ages, as well as an overrepresentation of Greeks and Italians.
Wherever I go in Europe, if I go to a party I know it's likely I'll meet someone from one of those four countries there.
I don't go out a lot but in fairness I remember back in the day seeing plenty of post-60 people up late and out and about.
Re: the students, that's true but there are also plenty of students from other parts of the world (Britain, China, India, and France especially) and it's been my experience that they tend to focus more on their studies than having the craic, and that they return home immediately after their studies, whereas I see more and more of the aforementioned either settling down in Ireland or taking a romantic partner away with them if they do return home.
This is all anecdotal of course and I know this is HN where data is king, but sure it's good to spin a yarn for the sake of it sometimes as well.
I live in the Netherlands myself these days and I always find it striking when I go to bars or cafes that all of the tables are filled with people who all look like each other, same ages and social backgrounds etc., even gender, and that the people from one table rarely mix with another -- this is just about the polar opposite of what I grew up expecting a drinking establishment to look like.
Didn't mean to suggest that the Netherlands didn't have friendly or inclusive places, hope it didn't come across that way.
It's just that in Ireland I know I can go out alone and end up back at someone's house at the end of the night. In most "normal bars" here (doe normaal hoor!) out even just at a bus stop, say, when I try to talk to strangers they look at me like I'm interrupting them. Which is fair enough, just a cultural difference.
Haven't been out in Galway for a while, but used to run into all ages and nationalities at various music events, licenced and unlicenced.
Perhaps this applies to much of Spain - my aunt in her 70s still hits the town with her girlfriends on many a night on Spain's Costa del Sol.
I am currently trying to adapt that to my own situation. 31yo post 2 years of Corona isolation. I just signed up for volunteer work and a rowing club and life feels fun again :)
It's probably impossible to know in the absence of some kind of hard data or compelling surveys, though.
I don't think it's an age thing per se, because if anything my older colleagues seemed to persist with parties, although there might be some kind of generational age thing, in that my younger colleagues didn't seem to pick that habit up.
See my prior posts for more info.
Not cheap, unfortunately. Especially if you want to do it well.
Also for me only vrchat is good. Meta's offerings seem very sterile and corporate
* Restarted Crossfit. Social events have included BBQ's, meals out, trips away (normally CF related, but still great fun). Every box I've been to have been full of fun and interesting people.
* Joined my local Wargaming/Boardgame club. Sit around drinking and playing games with a very varied bunch of people. Lots of nerds and the occasional odd person, but they're very much my people.
* Started playing Rugby again. Team sports are an almost instant way to make a big group of friends quickly. Frequently go out for a drink or to train. A boisterous crowd as you can imagine, but all happy to go above and beyond should you be struggling.
* Joined language evening classes at my local college. Dinners out, holidays had. I've met people from all over the world here.
* Made effort to go to lots of music festivals and talk to people nearby in the camp site and the crowd. I have a large group of friends from there, who I go to gigs/raves all over the country with.
How do I find time? CrossFit at 5:40 every morning before work. Language classes Monday evening. Rugby training Tuesday and Thursday evening. Board game club Wednesday eve. Weekends for time with family/partner/trips to visit friends in other cities/countries. Obviously that shifts around a lot depending on what's happening, but I try to keep the habit.
It's a slog, and I'm exhausted a lot of the time, but I wouldn't trade the life I have now for the world. I used to spend my evenings just consuming media before I went to bed. I quit almost all of that (TV, YouTube, video games, social media) at the beginning of 2021 and forced myself to fill my calendar to the brim. It's the best decision I've ever made.
Did you notice that they’re talking to a new grad?
“I can’t believe a young person would suggest youth oriented thing to another young person!”
I'm replying to a recent college grad, and recommending things that worked for me. God forbid I try to help someone, with some simply suggestions of things that worked for me when I was in their situation just over a year ago.
Your comment reads as very bitter to be frank.
Would also like to add partner dancing to the list. Fun, exercise, and opportunity to chat up new friends.
Is that so abnormal? I have the same experience after graduating a few years ago but always thought that was what happens to most people.
Other than the friends you made in college, you can always find new people through hobbies or work.
Meetups or other platforms also have real world hangouts based on interests.
It takes some effort but it's totally doable.
Try to do it with two kids lol.
I tend to move a lot (this is my 4th country) so building new friendships is a fact of life for me. And I'm a very timid and introverted person. If I can do it, so can you!!
It's hard to get out of the post-COVID depression though, it takes a lot of effort. But I'm trying to make up for lost time now like I always said I would during the pandemic.
As people get older,
1. they have more responsibilities/obligations and less free time
2. as well as, they also grow into having new interests besides partying, so they use their (limited) free time differently.
As I approach 60, living a single life, battling lung cancer, with friends and family around me ill and dying or already dead, it feels like there isn't much left to celebrate.
There probably won't even be any sort of party when I'm six feet under. No celebration of a life endured. The world moves on as we all suffer eternal oblivion.
You can check it out at : https://www.bl1p.app
I also drop in on Improvisation sessions in and around London - full of friendly people. And before Covid I used to do workshops around Europe too. Again can get invited to lots of parties that way.
I think I could probably rock this out for another 10-15 years easy - so some people here may find this a good hack. You can of course find other people to enjoy hobbies with on 'meetup.com'
I'm happy in my own company - but I wouldn't know where to begin in organizing my own party. I've spent a lot of my life working on personal projects/working. I do know a lot of people, but I generally meet people one on one. It just seems like a lot of stress and effort to set up a social event - but I think that is because it not well suited to it. I respect men and women who have a natural talent for organising social events. IF I were immortal I might have the time, but honestly I find it more interesting to work on a problem.
At the same time, I do like people and did in my teenage years through to about 25 morn that I wasn't that popular. I really did want to be liked, as I liked other people. If I had my time back, I'd have done improvisation / salsa and bachata at this time too. I wonder sometimes if everyone should do them...