Ask HN: Did anyone else lose their marbles?
Typical story I imagine-- ambitious, smart, promising career, was a technical co-founder at a small startup, and things seemed fine. Then I found myself wandering in the woods all day, crying for no reason and looking for non-existent fossils, which I found. I eventually saw petrified sea creatures everywhere and stopped going to work, or answering my phone, paying bills, etc. Things ended predictably, in horrible slow motion. Now I have a two year hole in my life, and I’ll never forgive myself for what I put my family through.
But nobody else will ever know that. I’m functional and back in the industry, but it’s not the sort of thing people discuss at the water cooler.
So I’d like to ask if anyone else had a secret breakdown? I’m curious if my story is an outlier, or if this is one of those things that “just happens” to some people.
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[ 847 ms ] story [ 6455 ms ] threadRoughly 3% of people in the U.S. are reported to experience psychosis at some point in their lives. Those are only the ones that report it.
That said, I'm (perhaps morbidly) curious about the experience. Were you having fun finding fossils?
Edit: ok! I read some of your other posts about that time. You definitely need help. Glad you're feeling better.
Psychotic episodes are typically marked by delusions and hallucinations caused by things like sleep deprivation and stress leading to excess catecholaminergic activity, which causes the brain to temporarily misinterpret the senses and construct delusional logic around the interpretations in an attempt to form a cohesive internal narrative of the experience.
I took lots of pictures because I knew nobody would believe me. They are picture of rocks :)
I think you may be able to attribute a lot of your experience to that drug.
When I switched to Adderall, my entire life changed and things started feeling normal again.
The trouble is the black-legged ticks (I. scapularis) can be very small, especially the males.
Was it your fault though? It sounds like you are blaming yourself for it on some level. It’s likely that you have a health condition that manifested itself in this particular way.
How is your family now? Is it intact? Have they been able to forgive you?
Glad you seem to be doing better.
In the interest of openly sharing, I've had inklings of psychosis in the past while also being an absolute top performer at work. It's damaged my relationships, but never to the point of a psychotic break. A combination of getting way too focused on work for months/years, burning out, stopping exercising to try and "claw back time" for more work, way too much caffeine to push further, weed to chill and push creativity, and exploring various dosages of modafinil/adderall without a prescription. Turns out that's not something you can do to your brain for all too long, but it was also "easy" to get back to my old self once I stopped pretending I was somehow special and could cheat the system and instead focused on being as healthy of a human as I could muster. My direct boss at work and I have a very strong relationship and so he had awareness of where I was at, but nobody else.
Again, not trying to steal any limelight. Your scenario sounds more extreme and you have my deepest condolences. You're not completely alone in fighting demons.
I have to have a good attitude about what I'm doing or I'll burn out. Stop sleeping properly and just turn into a wreck. While external factors play their part I've learned a lot is my internal response to the external.
I think everyone is vulnerable to some sort of snap if they're under too much stress for too long.
I'm glad to hear things are looking better for you.
These days, I don't care so much. I know I have useful if not spectacular skills, and I know if my current employer won't appreciate it or use them, then I'll find something else soon enough. Economic desperation is far enough away that it will hopefully stay far enough away, come what may. Up to a point obviously. The curveballs life can throw at you is infinite, as an old American friend said.
Long walks in the woods are still a great way to stay sane, or at least sane-ish. Don't know about imaginary fossils, but wild mushrooms of the culinary sort is great as a goal for one's wandering.
PS: I am not a pdoc but experienced with psychosis myself, it sounds like you experienced a Grandeur Delusion with hallucinations get that checked out.