Ask HN: Where do people meet up socially at least once a week?
People looking to improve their social lives often get the advice to find and stick to a group setting where they're exposed to the same people regularly and can build relationships with them.
What are these social settings, and how well do they "work"? Here are some I've been able to brainstorm:
- work
- church
- DOTA
- have children and go outside with them
- get a dog and take it to dog parks
- running club
- faith-based fitness (like F3)
- hang out at the neighborhood Starbucks/Panera a lot
- approach strangers at the gym
- men's communities (like Sacred Sons)
- go back to college
- improv/acting/art/language classes at the adult annex
Here are some that aren't very effective:
- tech meetups (monthly at best, no one comes twice)
- group hike meetups (same issues, too much churn)
- singles groups (too focused on dating/finding a mate)
- coworking spaces (people don't really socialize there)
71 comments
[ 3.0 ms ] story [ 141 ms ] thread- Board games clubs
- I am not sure but maybe certain cohort based courses that involve group accountability? I'd assume if you're in a localized group like OnDeck, YC, or even a humour writing workshop down the road, chances are churn might be low (coz there's an actual cost or opportunity cost) and people are likely to connect to get feedback/accountability etc. This might be a good start to building a relationship - once the course is over, maaaybe you might stay in touch?
The other activity is to involve existing friends (incase they're nearby but don't meet often) to try to do things you like. I've seen a friend do this with Pottery classes on weekends and has been doing this for a while now, but ofcourse could be applied to anything.
For a while, those activities used to be Pokemon Go and Quidditch, but they seem to have mostly fallen off by now, and they're also mostly focused on very young people.
Substitute "Barnes & Noble Cafe" for Starbucks, and yeah, that's what works for me. I've met tons of people, and made a few new friends, just by hanging out at that cafe a lot. In fact, if anything it can almost be too "social" at times, because most of the time when I go in there my underlying purpose is actually to work. But I've gotten to know so many people who work there or visit regularly, that some days I'll be sitting at a table trying to work, and have a nearly non-stop stream of people stopping to just chat and socialize. It's a little bit of a catch-22 since I don't want to shun people and act anti-social - especially given how much I do value those social interactions in general. But some days I almost find myself wanting to go somewhere where I'm not so well known just so I can get work done without so many distractions.
Nobody ever said life was easy. And boy, were they right! :-)
I'm not affiliated with them, just a happy customer.
[0]: https://www.bsfinternational.org/
And the thread in question is about socializing, in the first place. Imagine trying to debug something at work and some asshole comes up and starts chatting about the weather.
The only time I spoke to someone was when I decided to use the unused yoga room to meditate, and a conversation naturally occured with a guy doing similar. A quick but interesting one about why prayer is different to meditation!
Each gym is a subreddit though - try to observe the status quo there yours might be different.
Do I need to say "based comment"?
Meh. I wouldn't say "never" do that. I've made friends from talking to people at the gym, but there's an etiquette to it. And it's not something you can force, IME. But if somebody is doing heavy deadlifts (for example) and you likewise do a lot of deadlifting, and the two of you are among a small group of people who do that (which is common at many commercial gyms) you might well find yourselves striking up a conversation. It could be a simple as "Hey man, I saw you pulling some heavy deads. Do you compete, or you just lift for your own satisfaction, or what?" And a simple thing like that often leads to a conversation and the beginnings of an acquaintanceship and maybe eventually real friendship.
That said, I wouldn't go to the gym for the purpose of "meeting people." I'd go because I genuinely wanted to work out and get fit, and look at those chance connections as something that might or might not happen.
It really varies from person to person a lot though. Some people are just really "intense" when in the gym, they have Slayer jamming in their earbuds, are on a hardcore adrenaline trip, and all they care about is hitting a PR on their next lift because they have a power-lifting meet coming up. Other people are just there to get a casual workout in and don't mind a little chatting. Learning to "read" people and know who might be amenable to a little chatting and who not to bother is a real skill.
Work could be expanded:
* Standups and daily rituals
* Company organized, team building / social events
* Ad hoc group things organized within the company, e.g. Wednesday's rock climbing. You are not necessarily 'friends' with the people yet. Often sports.* Friends you have made at work and planned things outside of work with, to do regularly.
I'm also a member of a local writer's group and a lot of the same people have been in that group for over a decade at this point. Got to know quite a few people from there. I've been bad about going lately though (speaking of which, I need to start showing up again).
One of the local meetup groups (for 'Millenials') hosts various things that has some of the same people show up a lot. Not everyone, and not to every meetup but quite a few repeats.
In fact, Meetup in general tends to have the same people show up to different meetup groups. At that board game meetup I went to for the first time, I ran into three people who I've known at meetups for other meetup groups. I try out several meetup groups (including those hiking groups you dismissed) so I'm also one of those people.
At one point I admin'ed a geeky meetup group, and got to know quite a few people from that, several of which I've since been to private gatherings, weddings, baby showers, funerals, since, so pretty close. I didn't start hosting it, I offered to keep it going after the original admin moved away.
I like to design games too, and got to know several people by showing up to small conventions multiple times, playing their game designs, inviting people at those conventions who live nearby to playtest nights that I host, etc. Doesn't have to be designing games, just insert a different hobby where people would like to show off their talents and appreciate feedback or small favors and try to give back in return.
There's several people I've gotten to know in some smaller Discord groups just over time. You kind of have to stick around and interact long enough that you become one of the regulars, even if you start as a random.
And it's not for lack of trying. I threw myself into an active board-gaming group for almost 2 years a few years ago. And it just wasn't going anywhere. Over time, I started really dreading Friday nights.
I wish people played simpler, more socially revealing games that build intimacy between people. You can play Agricola with someone all night long and not learn one thing about them. Those people I spent two years with all remained strangers to me.
The group I went to last week is kind of like that, it was all Skull and Codenames and Just One and King of Tokyo, the latter being the most complicated game played.
And before they moved away, I had a couple friends who we just played Catan once a week, every single week (for months). And another group I met up with regularly for a while only played Cards Against Humanity or Exploding Kittens. And when I worked for a video game publisher we used to play a 15 minute game of Carcassonne every morning (the video game, so it did a lot of upkeep for you) to see who would go pick up the coffee (lowest score got the coffee).
The game I played most last year, actually, was Memoir '44. I played 35 games of it. One of the things I like about it, actually, is once you pick up the rules there's pretty much nothing else to learn, just different scenarios with a couple minor tweaks to the rules and different map layouts to keep things fresh (you can change things up more with expansions if you want, but it's not necessary).
It's worked out a lot better for me than your standard crunchy euro game where the only differences are 'what order the conversions from resource A to B will come out in' or 'which of the 3 different victory paths will you do this game'.
I automate things too in my day job, but don't mind not automating board games. Or when I do, I make video games out of it :).
But yeah, it's quite possible that it's just not your hobby, and that's cool too.
To be honest, the regulars there kind of feel like drifters. Not really working on anything, not really socializing. A lot of them talk a big game about crypto and entrepreneurship, but don't ever seem to make progress on their goals. It's not the healthiest place socially to spend a lot of time.
Find a locals bar, then you'll have everyday regulars.
It can be a bit of a drag if you become too familiar in your local drinking spot as people might approach you even if you're just trying to quietly read on your own.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Third_place
Personally, I've found a pseudo third space on Discord - my friends and I share a common chatroom that we just hop in whenever we're free during the lockdowns to chat and sometimes play games
Specifically on "getting" an animal, if you do get an animal, get one that's actually in need. Only evil people buy animals from breeders.
I've done this twice at two different breweries and at this point the groups are self-sustaining with Facebook & Discord groups managed by other group members.