Ask HN: I Need to Talk to Someone
Laid off 6 months ago. Was on an H1-B visa. Moved to spouse’s dependent visa. I have just around year left on my H1-B and my previous employer was mid way through the PERM process when they laid me off.
Most companies don’t want to hire me because of the delays in the processing of PERM these days since I have just a year left. And I just recently switched careers from construction to data.
Feeling really hopeless and alone. My spouse has a good job, but this stress of not getting any work has been devastating to me. It took me around 8 months of job searching to find a role as a career switcher and now I’m back to square one in a bad market. I don’t have anybody I can talk to and just want to talk about my problems.
I’m parked outside a Burger King parking lot in the car by myself and don’t have a clue on what I should do.
Feeling hopeless.
72 comments
[ 3.1 ms ] story [ 146 ms ] threadIf you need to vent, feel free to schedule a call with me
[1] https://calendly.com/taylor-town/30min
or shoot me an email
[2] hello@taylor.town
I'm not a professional, so definitely consider finding one. I've been doing therapy for years, and it's really helpful:
[3] https://www.betterhelp.com
Email is in my bio.
Edit: could you tell us which state / city you're located in? You'd get targeted help from people, like referrals, or other help.
Showcase your CV/skills online for others to find you. Opportunities will come. Stay strong. This is just temporary.
Huh? OP has basic needs covered, isn't in direct threat of being deported, can we please not subtley reinforce the made-up things that trigger identity crisises in these types of folks?
Like I get it, it's HN, so half the answers are going to be some highly ignorant advice to just double down on the self-imposed identity crisis, but can we please just not?
OP, you are worthy of love and respect, regardless of your employment status. And you are worthy of your own love and self-respect. I think you have valid reasons why getting employed is challenging for you, but I would encourage you to take solace in other parts of your identity that you are proud of.
> Contemporary husbands face higher risk of divorce when they do not fulfill the stereotypical breadwinner role
You may be worthy of love and respect regardless of your employment status but that isn't what happens in real life.
If the response to this is "well I better embrace my identity as a man who only has worth via a job and deserving of love in exchange for money"... then yeah, /r/arethestraightsokay ?
Sometimes I just wish I could instill a sense of "this is YOUR life, your ONLY life" for others the way I've embraced in my late-20s. So many people barreling faster and faster ahead to avoid any examination of their actual relationship to happiness. And then the masses to give excuses for why an unexamined life is unavoidable (lest they consider their own).
It's perfectly normal for men to earn less than their SO. Statistically it would be the case in 50% of couples, in an ideal world with gender equality.
Also, in any relationship, there will be moments where one person is out of work and dependent on the other (laid off, take care of kids, take care of parents, burnout, etc).
But it's not the only way. You simply need to be able to show up, follow through on your commitments, and be a value add for your partner's life. Many find that money is the most natural way to do that, but it's far from the only model.
And gasp, yes, younger generations are absolutely seeing men taking time off and relying on the woman's income. You know, open conversations, open-mindedness about "gender roles", openness about alternative lifestyles other than the clearly-so-successful straight monogamous couple with 2.5 children and a picket fence. Turns out happiness looks different to folks that have a genuine choice and exposure to alternative lifestyles.
I honestly just can't with this stuff -- I forget what it's like going from gay/queer spaces back to straight world. Y'all get hung up on the absolute silliest, most sexist, unfair stuff that ironically is actually a serious issue worth consideration in the grand scheme of advocating for men.
I got a similar answer from a fellow student when I got rejected from a master's program on a technicality and was asking how to appeal, "you're not good enough." Well I got a job instead, and that guy's arrogance gave him -$50K, 2 years gone, and graduation during a horrible job market.
The partner has already a job in the country... so would both leave to another country where none of them have a job yet? Also perhaps OP doesn't speak spanish?
I want you to know that you're not alone in this. There are many people who have been in similar situations, and there is help available. I'm here to listen to you and offer any support I can. There are a lot of options for you. O1 Visa is one of them.
In terms of practical help, have you considered reaching out to organizations or groups that offer support to people in your situation? They may be able to provide guidance on navigating the H1-B visa system and finding job opportunities. I can also help you research and find resources in your area.
Additionally, I encourage you to take care of your mental health during this difficult time. It's important to prioritize self-care and seek professional help if needed. There's no shame in asking for help, and it can make a big difference in how you feel.
Please know that I'm here for you and that there is hope for your situation. Let's work together to find a way forward. Please drop me an email : anand.bdk [at] gmail.com
Even if things remain tough job-wise for the foreseeable future, are you able to derive self-worth from things in your life that aren't your occupation? It's a horrible situation and I wish you the best of luck - but perhaps you can take heart and hope in what else you have: your partner, do you have other things that can help construct (or reconstruct) how you see yourself? Jobs, as you've found out nastily, are transient and ultimately meaningless.
I hope things get better for you.
Several others in my company on H1B were also laid off- alto the company was "generous" enough to keep them on the books (at a token salary) for an additional 4 months to give them an extension while they look for work.
You are lucky to have a good spouse. Think about what you have. The market will come back- and you will find a job soon.
The market is not as good as it once was, but there are still plenty of openings and it only takes one offer.
Do not beat yourself up, and do not feel sorry for yourself. These are traps that will damage your self-esteem and could potentially sabotage your relationship.
Communicate with your partner. Tell them how you're feeling and get feedback.
This really helped me:
When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children’s lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake rests in his beauty on the water,
and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought of grief.
I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars waiting with their light.
For a time I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.
- Wendell Berry
Get out into nature for a day, leave your phone at home, observe reality, walk. The world is mighty, and so are you. :)
Not OP, but thank you for that.
You will have a tough time ahead but you'll survive just fine too. Think one level lower on Maslow's hierarchy of needs for now. You have everything you need to survive. Going higher is on pause. For now.
Can I ask a question? Have you told your spouse? This is common in these situations. You don't want to put much on their shoulders but they'll just want to hug you and support you. So does everyone.
Start journaling. Uncensored. Write nonstop for 30 minutes. This will clear your head, feel like an emotional burden lifted, and help with the feeling of not being able to talk to anyone. All of this will make dealing with the actual issues much easier.
I have done therapy, and journaling every morning has the exact same cathartic effect for free.
Google "Morning Pages" and "The Artist's Way" for more info, but it's literally that simple, and it's surprisingly effective.
Call me any time 24/7.
Now, be the best husband for her. You have time, so keep the house clean, cook for her, be supportive, and keep motivated to find another job.
You will eventually find another thing. But REALIZE that you have your wife with you.
My friend and I have been working on a job hunting playbook for the past few months on how to get interviews without a recognizable brand on your resume, in this down market. We wanted to do a show HN after a week or so once it's more polished, but heck I think it can help now so here it is: https://zerofactorial.xyz/get-interviews/intro.
Happy to help however I can, and hoping your situation gets better soon.
And please know that you're not alone. I'm glad to see the other comments here offering their contact info to chat with. In a sense we're in this together, and you have this community behind you, to help you in any way that it can.
Please take care my friend.