Help I'm Losing My Writing Ability
Anyways, here's the current situation that I'm facing:
* I was able to write very well since young (ever since I begin learning English), and my writing ability was well above the average. My style of writing was considered original and unique to me.
* I was able to compose essays and stories very fluidly and improvise plots and arguments in an ad hoc manner. However, this ability has recently deteriorated, and I find myself cracking my head open even for simple arguments and story-lines.
* When I wrote in the past, my pen moved almost as fast as the sentence forming in my head. My pen just had a mind of it's own, and I could enter a 'flow' basically 100% all the time. Suddenly everything has become very conscious and artificial. Now, I have to pause and think even about the minutest details, such as sentence structure, words to use, alphabets in the words, etc.
* My vocabulary was wide and far-ranging, and I often utilized five to six different words, all synonyms, to re-iterate the same point in an argument. Now, however, my vocabulary has suddenly dropped to one or two simple words. The words used to come naturally, now I have to try to think of it, and most often I cannot.
* I used to create very original metaphors and figurative language which my peers and teachers often thought as brilliant and ingenious. I somehow cannot think of anything, AT ALL, now.
* I could sensitively appreciate Literature in the past, and often wrote critical essays after reading a novel or story. Also, I leisurely authored essays and short-stories in my free time; now, I find no motivation and lack the necessary 'spark' even if I wanted to. The habit has all of a sudden become very foreign and alien to me.
* I'm very distressed with the problem. I can't even list down all the symptoms that I have. I can't describe this psychological torment. It's like whenever I write now I feel it's a chore, whereas in the past it came all natural and flowingly. Thesauruses have become more common and regular in the past few months.
The problem has been a recent one, persisting for the past two months already. Here's some other background information for diagnosis: I'm currently 16, and am studying for a national exams at the end of the year. Most of my subjects are very logical and scientific – Physics, Biology, Chemistry, Elementary and Higher Maths – with a few humanities, like English Literature and Geography.
A large portion of the education is memory work, except maybe for Literature (and Mathematics, to an extent). My native tongue has been and still is English. The education system in my country is very competitive and quite stressful at times.
I'm very agitated by this problem and I want to get to the root of it, which is why I need your help. I want to know how it began and how I should overcome it. I don't know if it's caused by stress, depression or maybe just some other ordinary problem.
I'd like to express my gratitude and thanks to whoever offering their help. Writing has always been my passion and a spirited endeavor for me, and I really don't want to see it just disappear overnight. I've been feeling really down these few weeks because of this.
Thanks. :)
22 comments
[ 4.1 ms ] story [ 30.1 ms ] threadI don't consider myself to be super-smart or have some prodigal intelligence, and my school isn't MENSA. I'm in an average high school.
It's just that I feel my creative potential has been stifled. Thanks for understanding.
I can type about as fast as I think, a speed that would be unattainable using a regular writing instrument based on re-creating memorized shapes using fine motor control. Maybe the slow-down that comes with using a 'real' pen or pencil for writing would give you the right frame of mind to unlock your inspiration.
The short version: try writing in longhand, see if that helps!
I'll give longhand a try :) It seems like a good idea.
Unfortunately, I've tried typing before. To give you an example, the question that I've just written took me about an hour to think and type through, while in the past something of that same length would have taken maybe about half an hour.
You're writing through a filter now (a personality you've constructed) whereas before you were writing in a selfless zen state.
So relax. Stop thinking so much and start training your mind through meditation. Read the teachings of Buddha. You will be alright. In fact, you'll be better than alright. This is just a bump in the road.
But could you elaborate more on what you mean by a 'filter' as opposed to a 'selfless zen state'?
Sometimes when I read or write, it's with a voice I haven't heard before. It doesn't sound authentic to me. That's my mind being loud, and it acts as a dirty filter that inhibits pure words from flowing freely.
On the other hand, your current state of having to struggle for every sentence is more in line with the vast majority of peoples' normal experience when it comes to writing.
All your life you've been breathing and never noticed it, and then you notice it, and how weird it is.
Do you think this may be what you're experiencing? Just increased awareness?
As an over-cautious footnote: This will probably not happen, but if you start to notice "odd" things; (people who can put thoughts in your head, or hearing voices, or whatnot) please seek psychiatric assistance. Early intervention is important. But, like I say, this is almost certainly not relevant!
But...I think you have to remember you're 16. Nothing you do is ever set in stone, regardless of age and everyone goes through changes. Teens go through changes that are a more volatile.
Try reframing it in your head. Personally, it seems like you're just "not into" writing right now. There's nothing wrong with that. There could be a deeper root cause, but I doubt you'll truly find it.
Keep writing (I guess you'll have to) and things may clear themselves up. Self awareness isn't always a great thing ;)
My bet is that this stuff will be sorted once your body settles down. And maybe well before then.
It is only you who knows what it is that you fear the most. Everybody knows his own fears. Most people cannot face them. So if you want your ability back face the fear that is holding you back, challenge it, fight it, beat it and then write it.
And before you get defensive, let me tell you, if you pursue writing professionally, you'll learn this on your own pretty quickly. A critic or a professor will knock you on your ass and show you flaws in your work you'd never even considered. I don't care how much of a prodigy you are, you have a lot to learn.
The way you treat writer's block is through attrition. Just keep writing. No professional writer in the universe ever made it on talent alone, and the secret they all have is that they just write, a lot, every day, whether they feel like it or whether they think it's any good or not.
Also, this: "My vocabulary was wide and far-ranging, and I often utilized five to six different words, all synonyms, to re-iterate the same point in an argument..." is a feature, not a bug. Learning to articulate big ideas with simple words is one of the hardest, but most important, lessons to learn as a writer.
TL;DR there's nothing wrong with you and every writer experiences this. Keep calm and carry on.
I'm a professional writer and much much older than you.
Writing, sometimes, is hard. The more you aspire to excellence, the harder it can become if you let it. And you should aspire. You're never good enough.
Here are a few things that may help from my experience.
1) Relax and enjoy it. 2) Separate the creative process from the editing process. That is, on first-draft just let it flow. Write anything and everything that comes to mind. Don't worry about vocabulary, spelling, grammar, political correctness, offending your dog. Just get it out. Put on your editor's hat only after you've sputtered out. Then go back, rewrite, and edit. Fine writing is REWRITING. Sometimes many passes; many drafts. 3) Keep a notebook. When your mind tickles you with a phrase about anything, write it down. Your subconscious mind is your best friend. But it's shy, easily offended. Censor yourself and it'll shut down. Invite it in and it'll serve you with ideas, images, and language of startling beauty and relevance. It'll also deceive you into believing that something it delivers is better than it is. But you can deal with this during the editing/rewriting phase. 4) Give yourself permission to write. And to publish. Keep in mind that you can't please everyone with your writing. No matter how fine a writer you are, some readers will reject you for uncounted reasons. Your goal as a writer is to minimize the number of readers who do so. 5) Writing is simply another way of talking. You talk naturally. If you relax, you'll learn to write naturally. To write well you do need to learn and absorb the basics of spelling, grammar, logic, formatting conventions, etc., etc. These technicalities should be internalized like muscle memory. But don't worry about that crap while writing the first draft. Just get it out.
Hope this helps.
LRP
Stop tweeting, blogging and emailing. Stop posting two-liner responses to difficult topic discussions.
Interact with people. Find a forum that thinks deeply, trades ideas and inspirations and fosters creativity. A writing group, a Mensa chapter, heck a ToastMasters club.
Even Hacker News is shallow by comparison with real human discourse. Here we get frequent thought-pieces but not a lot of literature, and certainly extremenly curtailed interaction compared with even a minute of real dialog with real people.