Ask HN: What are ways to combat loneliness and build meaningful connections?
Loneliness can be a challenging and isolating experience. Have you ever struggled with loneliness? If so, how did you cope with it? And what are some strategies you've found helpful in building and maintaining meaningful connections with others?
116 comments
[ 3.5 ms ] story [ 178 ms ] threadI'm also working on a meetups+hangout app where people can chat and hangout based on a topic in real life, nothing ready yet so can't share a link or anything.
My rule of thumb that it takes something like 3 reasonable length conversations with someone in a short timespan (weeks to a couple months, short enough that you remember the person and their associated context each time) before you really exist to each other.
So ask yourself, what interests do I have that will facilitate this repeat interaction? Then you are left with the work of figuring out what groups and events exist, and actually going to them consistently.
My friends and I are all in our 30s enjoy bringing Quake3, UT2k4, Age of Empires II, Warcraft 2 / 3, Red Alert 2, Soldat and other LAN favorites to a new generation. Although I'm still struggling to convince them to let me destroy everyone in DOOM2/Quake1.
Agreed. If you're introverted, find a "club" or sport that you enjoy and just start participating. You automatically become part of the circle, in my experience.
They are nice, but the extend of socialization is "can I use this wall now" question.
I would add that it helps tremendously if you have some hospitality to offer, or can build up to that.
I have a lot of these “what ifs” that are unsubstantiated - they’re my anxiety popping up. I don’t know if that’s you, but what you wrote feels familiar.
I suspect most people aren’t thinking about you that much.
Friendship requires 3 elements (which were easy when you're a kid and much harder as an adult): proximity, repeated exposure and letting your guard down. Meetups are good for the first, but don't do much for the second and third.
I had better luck with #1 + #2 taking classes at Second City than I ever had at Meetups. Classes give you repeated exposure to the same people every week. Repeated exposure gives people predictability, which helps them relax their defenses.
#3 is more difficult -- you have to take the extra step of inviting people out to do stuff together. People are more comfortable opening up in smaller settings.
I've met many great people and have built a network from people I've met at protests and events - if you're spending an hour or two next to someone holding signs, it's likely you'll chat!
Having common goals (or being part of an organisation) helps as well!
For animal rights for example, I know that Anonymous for the Voiceless events are open to everyone and (if you are into animal rights) you'll probably make friends. (This is a couple years back I don't know how it is today). Helping out at your nearby animal sanctuary is a great idea as well!
One interesting thing is modern society has broken all of us. Human beings are not evolved to stay in isolation in a place so far from where you grew up. Loneliness is affecting everyone. So when you take the extra effort, you are also filling their gap.
Hardly the same as being free to do whatever you want in your own home surrounded by entertainment and stimulation and knowing you have the ability to communicate with others if you want.
However, she actually messaged me first on a dating app and I eventually brought her to the US on a fiancé visa.
Once you have a partner, or just someone you're dating, they will expose you to other people in social settings, which will give you more practice under a critical and supportive eye.
But that might just be my experience.
My N=1 experience is my relationship is very happy and fulfilling.
This is really bad advice.
Lots of people (usually men) do this — letting their partner be their conduit to social engagement, and not only is it lazy, it's harmful. It puts extra stress on the partner and relationships will only exist mediated by them. Then you have the most obvious problem — if the relationship ends, so do the friendships. They're your partner's friends first after all.
I really really encourage you to try to make a few friends completely independently from your partner, it's important.
I see too many couples do this - what they really want are best friends and instead they seek out a partner for this. Should your partner ALSO be your best friend? Of course. But you also need other best friends (each of you) separately in my opinion.
Get married. Have kids.
Love yourself.
Man, compared to the other two, that is a line that's doing a lot of heavy lifting.
The other thing I'll say is that I feel very lucky to have made friends with people who were already part of a big friend group. It's hard to build your own community from scratch, it is much easier to join an existing one. Birthday parties, shows, cook outs, are group events and making friends with friends of your friends builds out your web.
It's hard work, I was pretty lonely for the first two years after I moved out to the bay knowing no one, but building relationships is one of the most rewarding uses of time I know.
I mirror other people, always have. If they are happy to see me, I'm happy to see them. But if they don't call, I don't call. If we are both introverts we collectively decide that the other person thinks we're a toad and nobody likes us. If it weren't for the "Extrovert who collects introverts" trope I'd probably have no friends at all (or at least, prior to volunteering). There are a bunch of people I only ever see when we both show up at a third person's house or event.
Please don't, that is not dignified neither for you nor for the people you put there. You could even call it creepy.
I had an acquaintance a few years ago that was a hacker type and I suspect he was doing that, and automatizing "what's up"-messages.
Yes but what if you are not, Lol
This sounds like generic motivational stuff..
In reality, you’ll find out that people will see it immediatly, they’ll get annoyed at you very quickly, and they sure as hell have ways to let you know
I know the obvious answer is “well then figure out how are you going to become someone who is worth spending time with”- I just feel like that’s the hard part..
But it takes a lot of false starts, effort, and a few tries per person to figure out. That is daunting, but also each time a click happens you have a potentially lifelong friend and you only need a few for a lifetime of fulfillment. Getting rejected even 100 times is a small price to pay for that.
The world is very big, i guarantee we all have folks we click with. Just dont try to over rationalize the reasons, or overly constrain where you look.
as someone who deep down doesn't feel he's worth spending time with I have to agree. and my impression is that going down that route of trying to solve it might make things even worse because what people want is to be around other people who are easy going and relaxed. I'm convinced it boils down to that. that's why laid-back pricks are consistently more popular than uptight nice guys. even though it technically or rationally doesn't make sense. but trying to fix an issue about yourself tends to make you even less relaxed as you are busier monitoring and reflecting yourself.
That was not what occurred to me as I read your comment. I would have thought the next step would be to try again, and then again, until eventually you find the people that can tolerate you, and even like you for who you are. They exist!
The problem with adult friendships is that, much like dating, people think they can do much better than they actually can. We feel we should have friends that are funnier, more artistic, more educated. And then we go out and pursue these people, only to realize that we don't fit in with them -- our lifestyles and backgrounds are too different -- there's a reason we made the friends we did.
If you want to change that, then you'll have to change your personality to be "worth" those other people's time. But before that, perhaps you could pause for a moment to recognize the people who did appreciate you as you were.
Some people want your perspective. Some people want your ear. Some just want your presence. Figure out what you want, and pay attention to what others want. Finding the right match is when you end up having a great time.
Consider the medium you use for interaction and find a balance. My theory is that many people feel lonely nowadays because they overuse certain mediums for communication - the internet. It's not bad, but just doing something outside or in real life can make all the difference.
Often for me it is just getting myself out there - you might go to a certain event and talk to nooone and feel awkward. Screw it - just KEEP GOING. Eventually people will recognize you and eventually you will start to talk to people (or them to you). The key is just to be consistent and friendly.
"Shoulder to shoulder" friends can become "face to face" friends. For example, teammates in a sports league will often go for post-game drinks. Volunteering activities are sometimes conducive to conversations, especially in moments of idleness. For example, I volunteered at a food bank a few months ago. My team had to wrap and transport pallets of food, and when there weren't any completed pallets, we stood around and chatted.
For intimate partners, try apps. Hookup apps, or dating apps used as hookup apps, get the most buzz and attention, but they're worth a look. I was single in the heyday of Tinder, and while it was marketed as a hookup app and used that way by a lot of people, I found plenty of people on it looking to meet people for dating, relationships, and marriage. That's how I met my wife. Some apps cater to specific tastes and desires, others have built-in mechanisms for indicating preferences (including asexuality), and some just give you a blank space to say whatever is important to you.
You meet people shoulder to shoulder, and your presence in the class is taken as evidence of possessing a personality. If anyone is available (apparently common in cooking classes), then you can transition to face-to-face.
1. Understand it takes time. There are no shortcuts to intimacy. Come on too strong, whether it’s just friendship or it’s romantic, and it just makes people wary. While you’re waiting for relationships to form, make sure you are getting out there and doing things. Make plans with yourself, and commit to them. People will like you more if you’re busy - it couldn’t matter less what those plans are. Just be busy. Physical activities outdoors are best for raising your mood.
2. Build on the connections you have. Someone who’s just an acquaintance? Could be a friend. Did they seem to enjoy being around you? You want people in your life who make you feel good, who make you feel like you belong. So be open minded and pay attention to how people respond to you. If it’s a warm lead, ask them out for a walk or a hike, something active. Makes it easier if there’s something to do. Or sometimes it’s as simple as accepting an invitation, if they’ve already put out feelers.
3. Become a regular. Go to a coffee shop or a restaurant once a week. Don’t go too much, and make sure you’re polite and tip well. The cashier probably isn’t going to be your friend, and you probably don’t want them to be. But those loose connections have a positive impact on your mood, whether you realize it or not.
4. Take a class or join a gym or club. I tried F45, and ended up in a jiu jitsu gym. Better if you find something that you connect with and enjoy. Go in all seriousness to get lost in the activity, but be open to new connections. They will happen naturally once you begin to enjoy it because you will feel like you belong.
5. Get a therapist. If you’ve got any kind of social anxiety, it helps having someone tell you once a week (or two weeks, or month) that you’re just a normal human being experiencing normal things. At least it did for me.
Worst thing you can do is lean too much on any one resource. (Again, speaking from experience here…) If people get the feeling that you want something to happen a little too much, it’s like kryptonite. You’ll make mistakes and that’s okay. Take your learnings and move on. It’s just a matter of time before you find your people, you’ve just got to keep at it and not force things.
That’s my two cents :)
nothing builds comraderie quite like having a common goal, and when the common goal is aligned with putting down roots in your community and Being There Now, you get to double dip on meaningful connections!
I find I deal well with isolation as long as I get occasional chances to go socialize with friends. Even if its just grabbing lunch or sharing passion project updates.
It's a weirder suggestion, but you can even try going to a convention and meeting random people. Whether its for Anime, Hacking, Furries, etc getting back to going to my yearly convention gatherings is a nice reminder of being alive after two years of some of them going virtual due to COVID-19.
It takes effort to do it. In the old days, people would sit on their front porch and talk to their neighbor or go out with friends or just hang out in their neighboorhood. Nowadays, everything has to be planned. Oh you want our kids to play with yours ? Lets setup a Play Date".
here is what I am doing lately. I am making an effort to invite neighbors to our house for a quick get together. Nothing formal but anything. I understand you can't do that with all neighbors bt start with some. Call that old friend u haven't spoken to for a while and go see them even if u have to drive for 2 hours.
Real example: We had invited some neighbors and now they are inviting us for a party this weekend. I really don't wanna go because I am so busy with my work and kids but decided to go anyway to ensure I don't break that chain. This get together is in the city where I have to drive in, find shitty parking and then walk. The lazy me would have said screw it and make an excuse. I would rather stay home and watch netflix or work on that code. But I am ensuring that my wife and I are both going to go and leave our young kids with her parents on Saturday night. This is a lot of effort honestly but we have to do it.
The point is that u have to make serious effort to make meaningful connections. People will reciprocate but no one wants to take the first step these days.
1. Go to decent group events that are re-occuring and just KEEP GOING. It can be helpful to make a rule like "talk to one person new" at each one if that helps you. But the key is to be consistent - you will start to recognize other people that go and they will start to recognize you. And that makes it much, much less awkward to approach people. Go to events you are already into. Go to events you know nothing about. People love talking to someone who is an expert at something when they are not because you can explain the ropes to them. People also love someone who knows absolutely NOTHING about something (and freely admits it openly) because it shows humility and allows them to also do the same and relax.
2. People suck at keeping up with friendships - just regularly followup with people! Text or call at least one person every single day. I guarantee they will appreciate it and if you suggest doing something easy (movie, dinner, coffee, a walk or hike or run) they will very likely say yes. Everyone is lonely right now - you just have to be that person who takes the iniative. Do this enough and very quickly you will be labeled a "social butterly" when literally all you need to is a very minimum of effort. (Side note - also make sure to recognize that those people who are super social butterflies are not doing it easily - it takes effort - recognize that!)
3. Introduce people. People LOVE the person that seems to be the conduit for social interaction. Going to a group running event and you separately meet two people who both say they are artists? Immediately offer to introduce them and lead them together. Now you do not even need to do any of the social interaction yourself - you can just stand there and smile as they hit it off and both people like you. Your convo with each of them might have trailed off individually but by creating this dynamic you are in a way automating your friendships - so automate that shit!
4. After doing all of these things do your best to try to form that core social friend group that so many of us had in the past. I used to chock it up to being in college or highschool. Now that I am not: that is why I do not have one right? WRONG. Talk to young people. Talk to your younger cousins and nephews. Young people are increasingly in the same situation and it is really quite sad. If you can do all of the above eventually you will either find an existing group or create your own and once you do that everything just falls into place. I used to think the show "Friends" was dumb as hell and now it increasingly looks like some idyllic fairy tale for so many. (Side note - help people network whenever you can professionally - even if it is not your personal industry - there may be no benefit to you but people will remember).
4b. Increasingly I see too many people seeking this kind of friendship connection out of a S.O. which puts strain on the relationship (and pigeon holes the relationship or makes them more hermitted than needed) and I do not think it is the healthiest way to have a romantic partner (note I did not say unhealthy - there is no blame here). Should your partner be one of your best friends, maybe your bestest of best friends? Of course! But you each need your separate outlets too. And speaking from personal experience I have also had some amazing interactions with the best friends of past partners since you both can be completely honest and joke around about the person you are dating. In my opinion the most reliable way to know if you really like someone (partner or friend) or if people really like you is if you or they know your flaws (maybe even your worst) and instead find them fucking endearing. Find the flaws of people you love and help build them up when you can and when you cannot just laugh instead (maybe not always to their face).
Luckily as a mid 30s adult I recently have achieved all of the abov...
Hospitals are usually looking for volunteers to do simple things for patients. If you're great with kids, sick wards at the children's hospital will have ideas. Churches will always accept your help. I also believe some retirement homes will accept volunteers to read to and fellowship with seniors. If you want a challenge with a little thrill, volunteer for a local fire department and/or ems.
When you give of yourself, other will give of themselves to you. You will meet many people and some will become lifelong friends.
It's easy to reach out to others and say, "hey, how about a game?" because it's sets expectations with others, and there are plenty of cafes to offer neutral meeting spots.
It can be a slow process to build a social hub around it, but the key is regularity and common interest. Could this be applied to other hobbies? Yes!
My fallback would be bridge playing groups, knitting, or woodworking groups. No book clubs, I haven't had good experience with those.