HN Explorer

How much Difficult to give and get honest feedback from people you know

2 points by pradeepdhankhar ↗ HN
In a world that values authenticity and transparency, the irony often lies in the difficulty of obtaining honest feedback. There are several reasons why genuine feedback is elusive.

Firstly, the fear of repercussions stifles open communication. People may worry about damaging relationships, job prospects, or facing conflict, leading them to withhold their true opinions.

Secondly, social norms often discourage straightforwardness. There's a tendency to sugarcoat feedback to avoid discomfort, even if it means sacrificing honesty. This desire to maintain harmony can undermine the valuable insights that honest feedback provides.

Moreover, a lack of trust in the feedback process itself can contribute to a reluctance to be candid. If individuals believe their opinions won't be genuinely considered or acted upon, they may choose to remain silent rather than express their thoughts.

In conclusion, the challenge of obtaining honest feedback stems from societal norms, fear of repercussions, and a lack of trust in the feedback process. Encouraging a culture of openness, where feedback is valued and acted upon constructively, is crucial for fostering genuine communication.

6 comments

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nonrandomstring
This topic was recently aired in a thread on "ghosting" [0]

I am convinced that technology has "de-socialised" people to the point where we just can't do interpersonal relations any more. We've all become conflict avoidant.

[0] https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=38806473

maxrf
I'm old enough to be able to say confidently that there were plenty of de-socialised people before 'technology'. I'm with the OP that is a 'social', ie: human nature, issue - those 3 things - but also a skill - especially in a work environment where you don't know your colleagues as well (points 1 & 2) and you don't necessarily have 'psychological safety' (point 3).

As a counter example, I've recently been following the 'rise if cardboard', specifically the evolution of magic: the gathering, because some young friends offered to teach me the 'commander' variant - it's basically managed conflict in a social setting - I have to acknowledge, they're more skilled than me - I'm learning more than just the gameplay.

There's a nice article 'power struggles among nice people' that's relevant too - because of the automatic effect this has on our language (cue Steven Pinker). I'm with the group that thinks we have large brains to navigate complex social environments - ie: this stuff - because it's hard.

nonrandomstring
Great point about skills. You're absolutely right we can learn and hone these. Your experience of playing MTG with the kids, and discovering their powers sounds positive. Not quite the same level of sophistication but I played "Selfish" with 8-10 year olds and it boosted my feelings about what is "innate" human nature. I think we have to learn to be mean and nasty, and to prefer tit-for-tat over forgiveness.

As for people having always been de-socialised, yes I am sure it's always been so for some, but something has changed. I'm also old enough to have traced it. What's changed imho is acceptability. It's great that we're a more tolerant society etc. But we used to value good manners, Today I think we see them as a weakness and treat assholes as if their behaviour was quite acceptable but "unfortunate". I think digital technology has played a large part in that.

maxrf
Thanks, and agree it can feel 'mean and nasty' to disagree online - and that in-person politeness would help - yes, people will post things they wouldn't say.

PG has a take on why HN is more civil tl;dr 'it's behaviour not people' - in: 'dilution' at paulgraham dot com hackernews html

Thanks for the reply - appreciated.

tamimio
I always give my honest opinion without any filters, while being respectful of course. However, I find that most people who claim to be open to feedback or communication are not really so. They prefer feedback that reinforces their own views, with only minor differences. This creates an echo chamber that benefits no one, either at personal or professional levels. You can see an example of this on LinkedIn, where overly positive and celebratory comments, along with (sometimes fake) inspirational stories, reflect this mindset.