Ask HN: Advice for a new father?

If it's a girl, read Strong Fathers - Strong Daughters. If it's a boy, read Strong Mothers - Strong Sons. (even if you aren't the mother, it's a useful book).

More realistically:

1. If you're raising the baby with a spouse, communication is going to be wildly important. Be more explicit than you think you need to be about things - you're both going to be tired, and it's all too easy to make an uncharitable assumption.

2. One thing that worked for us, re: night-time, was shifts. My wife was responsible for the baby waking up until ~4am, and then I was responsible for her waking up after that - meaning, whoever's shift it was, was responsible for getting up, feeding the baby if she needed to be fed, and getting her soothed back to sleep. It ensured that while we didn't actually get eight straight hours, there was a solid six-ish hour period during which one of us at least didn't have to get out of bed.

Your mileage may vary on that; if y'all are bottle-feeding, then it'll be much easier. If not, then your spouse is probably not going to get as much of a break.

3. Lean hard on any family members or friends who are willing to help, but make sure you tell them what you need. If what you need is prepared meals dropped off, and then for them to fuck off and leave the three of you alone, tell them that. If you need them to watch the baby for two hours in the afternoon while you nap (or read, or just go for a walk to be alone), make sure they know that's what you need.

4. I got a baby bjorn and loved it; wearing a baby means she's comfortable, and you're comfortable, and your hands are free. My wife preferred a different style, though.

5. This is one of the top five most difficult things your spouse and you will go through. Seriously, accept that and understand that you will get mad at your spouse, your spouse will get mad at you, you'll both get mad at the baby, your baby will be mad at you. It's going to be wildly stressful. You'll make it through it, though - as long as you remember point 1, communicate, and understand that it gets better, easier, and more fun.

edit: I'm also in a Slack for dads, most of whom are also in tech - let me know if you'd like an invite.

The only thing you owe to your future self is the knowledge that you have been fully present while your kid grows up. That, and as many pics and videos your NAS and backup can hold.

Any good habit you start early will pay off dividends later. Anything you let slide will agonize you for years and years.

Most advice you find online is useless. "Mommy-bloggers" have SEO spammed the internet with waste. It's either some form of extreme child micromanagement, or rituals designed for people with saint-like patience or time on their hands. Get your advice from real people - pediatricians, parents, friends, etc.

Keep newborns to a schedule.

Don't worry too much, nothing is that difficult, it's just a lot of work, done on interrupted sleep.

Your child is only a newborn once, try to cherish the time when you have opportunity.

Welcome to the club. :)

It won’t be long when you won’t rock them to sleep.

It won’t be long when they won’t ask you to play with them.

- Make time for your partner. Both to continue nurturing your relationship, give each other alone time, and keep communication open (and on a relaxed tone). I cannot stress this enough.

- Set routines early. Even before our kids slept through the night, we started routines. You don't have to go crazy. Bath-time at Xpm, reading by Xpm, sleep by Xpm. Does wonders as they age.

- Sounds silly, but understand every kid is different. You'd be surprised how much their personalities seem formed even as tiny babies. What works for one kid might not work for another, even though you figure out strategies. (Ex. reverse psychology really does work at 7y for some reason).

- No one gives you a blueprint. Don't beat yourself up. Accept now that your actions will have unintended consequences. My wife and I are very intentional about our parenting because of bad upbringings. When you screw up, acknowledged where it was and what you can do in the future, but give yourself some leeway. It's not like they give us rule-books for this stuff.

- Find a support ASAP. Most parents I know have almost no support, and it shows. If your parents or grandparents or other family are there, speak up when you need help. Someone doing your dishes or giving you a night off is big. But cars will break down, you'll wonder how you're going to juggle everything. Find people you can trust.

- Read early and read often. Self-explanatory. Our kids are insane readers because we read to them constantly from the beginning. Whenever they wanted.

- You want them to find something that they enjoy a lot as they grow.

- Giving them something they are responsible for is unbelievably important. I have seen that lack of responsibility can lead to anxiety and much worse.

- Every age has it's challenges and benefits. I have fond memories for when the kids were young but don't think I could handle it at my age. Teenage years involved a lot of serious issues.

Read and sing to your kid - even if you are an awful singer. I read and sang lullabys to both my kids from when they were weeks old. THey didn't understand, but the memory is worth it, and I continued to so nightly until they were 7 or 8...or until they repeatedly said "Daaaaad! I'm too old for lullabys and bedtime stories." Then just read one more :)

Spend ALL the time with your kid - the time FLIES and one day you'll look at your 14 year as he mouths off to you and wonder how just moments ago you were cuddling with him as you were trying to put him to sleep in his crib.

I'm a night owl, so i never suffered from 'sleepless' nights like so many people complain about. Once my son's could take formula (ie when my wife wasn't necessary for the feeding), those were my favorite times: my wife could stay asleep and I could just grab a bottle and sit up every few hours through the night and feed them. Just me and either of my kids. Cherish those moments.

It is no exaggeration when a parent or grandparent tells you "Enjoy this moment because they fly by and before you know it they are grown." 15 years from now you'll wish for the sleepless nights when you were holding your baby trying to soothe them back to sleep.

"Lead by example" - You try to teach your kids the things they should know and to be better than you. Sometimes that means doing things better than you did (ie teaching them from mistakes or bad habits you might have), but kids are perceptive and will "learn it by WATCHING you". "Do as I say, not as I do" is less effective than leading by example. BE the man you want your son to be or your daughter to end up with. It's very difficult to backtrack on this when you realize you've been the wrong example.

Around 10 or 11, they will stop needing you as much or seeing you as their only hero. Take full advantage of the years before this to be the hero you want them to have and remember.

Teenage boys will rebel against their father and test boundaries. If you've set god boundaries and led by good examples and taught them good fundamentals, they'll circle back once they realize who they are and that you have always loved them - even during the arguments.

Be careful with criticism - even when trying to be helpful and constructive. They have a funny way of remembering constructive criticism as "negativity" :)

Overflow with praise for them - when deserved. Reign it in - but give it - when it's less so. They'll know that when you say something, you mean it.

When they're older sometimes you have to be "the bad guy" to help them learn right from wrong. Stand your ground if you know you are right, but always let them know you love them and are willing to talk about whatever dilemma they are going through.

End of the day: Love them the best that you can and tell them that every single day.

More importantly, enjoy the early days because the rate of change will never be this high again. The first week is special. The first month is special. Form as many memories as you can. The 8th year and the 9th year are mostly the same. Time will take those early days from you, you can't stop it. Complacency will take the later years from you, but you can stop that one, mostly.

The "Elimination Communication" thing is awesome if you can get it working. One baby it worked 90% and the other about 60%.

When baby gets to about 3 try "Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons", it is not easy but it is simple and it works.

As a father of a now 17 and 19 year old I can definitely say looking back that the years were indeed short. Enjoy the days.

I found it very useful. I then gave this book to yet another new father.

It's $10, probably less if you get a used copy. This book is worth 100 of these comments, and hopefully you find it as useful as I did, and can then pass it on to another new father.

I went through a "grieving" process of my new fate in life. It helped more when the baby started smiling. It helped more when she started sleeping through the night. It helped more as I internalized and built acceptance more.

If anyone wants to reach out on this aspect of fatherhood please reply and would love to get in touch.

EDIT: And goes without saying, but try all you can to get into a job/role that's remote and not super time-consuming or stressful. You will find it really valuable to have some of that 9-5 time when there's childcare (and also away from your spouse depending on the situation) to recharge and do whatever the F you want :)

Get help if you can. We hired a night doula after the first week of minimum sleeps, I have never been happier paying someone $400 a night.

Prioritize your family over all else. Money is a renewable resource, your time together is finite and fleeting.