Ask HN: How would you go about meeting a bunch of new people IRL?
This is part of my social anxiety therapy. I am trying to come up with strategies to meet hundreds of new people over the course of this year. The goal is not to build friendships but to have substantial "in the moment" interactions. Obviously a party of some sort would be the ideal place because I could maybe manage four or five such interactions over the course of the evening. But getting invited to parties is kinda challenging for me since I don't have many good contacts where I presently live. So I need other ideas...
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[ 4.4 ms ] story [ 112 ms ] threadOr go to openings at art galleries/museums. Go to fairs and festivals. Really, any local event that is open to the public.
Random interactions are going to be hard and awkward. It's much easier to be part of a group that you know the other person has at least some of the same things in common as you.
How long ago was this?
I also notice that a lot of the groups just act as feeders to bring people into the same one or two events.
Sadly Meetup is not what it used to be, even though I feel like it's needed more than ever.
There might be conventions where you live. There's all sorts of themes like sci-fi or food & wine expo, you can have loads of conversations there.
If you have a skill you want to learn like "how to bake bread/ brew beer / make chinese food" then you can go to artisan markets and ask for advice in achieving your goal, people are generally happy to give advice also it will get you out of the house and give you an interesting thing to say for your next encounter.
In general if the only common experience you have with someone is your physical proximity, it's probably not a great opportunity to make friends. If you live in Brooklyn you might go to the same coffeeshop as Margot Robbie... that doesn't mean you're gonna be friends with her or that she'll be friendly if you ask her what book she's reading.
You'll have much better luck attending shared activities around a common interest, where everyone there is expecting to interact with each other.
> I've met many people in coffeeshops, made friends, even been hit on fwiw
I don't think anecdotal evidence would be very convincing in this case, since your success (there has to be a better word for this) would largely depend on your percieved attractiveness and/or approachability. The setting might not play as big of a role as you think it does.
> I'm surprised you find it to be an insurmountable challenge.
I'm not GP but I didn't get that impression from their comment. I agree with them in that the meeting-people-at-coffeeshops is an overused cliche that was popularized by pop culture/media with lower chances of success.
I can tell you as an extremely socially anxious person I’ve actually done it myself. There’s power in clichés.
It sounds really weird to write it all out but this is just how it works. Familiarity leads to social interaction and you need to be consistent about it if you don’t want it to peter out.
It should also be said that if someone is not comfortable with any stage of this then it’s best to leave them be.
But... Not by talking to her in the coffee shop. For several years I would go to this one particular coffee shop damn near every day and would work from there for several hours. She came in sometimes and saw me, liked how I talked to the employees there, liked the cut of my jib... Then when she got a contact from me on OkCupid... The rest is history.
I enjoy reading on my laptop in coffee shops. I'm naturally introverted by temperament and hate bothering people. (And physically I am practically the opposite of Margot Robbie.)
But you keep showing up long enough and conversations end up being inevitable, especially if you sit near where the baristas are working, which I didn't do initially until one day they were the only available seats and I found it was the best place to sit.
I can't emphasize this enough (minus the coffee shop part ;-)). Meeting someone with regularity is how you go from stranger to acquaintance to friend. Pick a hobby (pickleball? Gym? Rock climbing?) and go at the same time on the same days.
- You can't rely on anyone else to have fun so you have to talk to people or you're bored
- Alcohol helps lower your inhibitions so it becomes easier (relying on it always is no good but alcohol can be a tool just like any other thing)
- if you say something stupid or someone has a bad reaction or doesn't wanna talk you can say "have a good one" and peace out
If you don't know where to start with talking to people, comment on something they're wearing, then ask them followup questions and be genuinely interested and try to make jokes. If you run out of things to say, "have a good one" and peace out
Great way to learn to read people too because often people are too polite to tell you to fuck off but their body language suggests it so I learned to pick up on a lot of more subtle cues I didn't really see before
> The goal is not to build friendships but to have substantial "in the moment" interactions
While everyone else is suggesting activities to build friendships
I can also say that some of these one time interactions i've had at bars/festivals/wherever are some of my most memorable and most influential interactions
The first half of the meeting is where people give prepared speeches and get evaluated. The second half people have to give a 2 minute talk on an improvised topic.
You'll meet people in a supportive and friendly environment, improve a useful skill, and have lots of fun.
[1] https://www.toastmasters.org/find-a-club
They might range from super diverse and fun groups that also like to go for drinks after the meeting, to suburban professionals who race home the minute it's over. YMMV.
The "enjoy" part was pretty key for me - as I feel like it's really hard not to be my best self when I'm having fun and more focused on the activity than making a good impression. I also tend to do well at things I enjoy, and that gives a helpful little self-esteem boost.
Also, "hundreds of people"? IRL is not twerk tic, most people don't have hundreds of IRL friends, or even "had" in the days when IRL was where ALL friends were...
Step 1: Go to places you like, and talk to the other people there...
The best short, easy resource on what I mean is this book: https://party.pro/book/. The Art of Gathering is another good one if you want to go deeper.
You may be concerned that you don't know many people, so can't easily organize an event where people would come. This is actually solvable (see the book above). The nice thing is that this also lets you risk and experiment with social failure ("what if people don't show?", etc), which in my experience is the cause of a lot of social anxiety.
Out of curiosity, to which town did you move to?
- Get a dog! Seriously, going to dog bars, dog parks, and even walking the dog are all great opportunities for spontaneous social interactions.
- Group fitness classes can be good, even if you just chat with the instructor before or after class. Going regularly you're bound to talk with some of the other members.
- Arts classes (i.e., pottery) can be good, as it's usually a small group setting and you can chitchat while you're working.
Not the question, but another thing to consider is your body language when you're in those spaces. Try to be cognizant of it and present yourself to being "open" to conversation (especially in a bar setting). By that I mean, looking around, make eye contact, smile at people, don't be on your phone, and don't be afraid to say hi.
[edit: formatting]
Now, the techniques... sometimes it helps to arrive early, so that as people walk in to the event behind you, you can greet them. This is much easier than walking into a room of people and trying to figure out how to insert yourself into the conversation. Come up with a line of questions other than "what do you do for work?" that you can use to engage people beyond yes or no questions. Look around the room for people who are wallflowers and use your shared shyness to break the ice. Look for the people who are the life of the party and float with them - they may help introduce you to other people just by being in the same conversation circles. All this takes time and practice just like any other skill.