Ask HN: How to Handle a Divorce When You're a Manager

The easiest way to avoid divorce impacting your work is to avoid it spinning out of control and manage it as if it is a project that needs to be delivered.

Accept the problem exists, approach it rationally and fairly, and hire an expert to deal with the nitty gritty details.

The more emotional and difficult you make the divorce, the harder it will be to resolve and the same goes for your partner.

Try to avoid extra stress at work. Speak to your own manager and ask about temporarily reducing workload if you feel like they would be responsive to supporting you at this time.

Communication is key at work and at home. Leave any bitterness and emotional anguish at the door. You’ve both decided to move on. If you have children, find the best solution for them first. There’s nothing worse than squabbling ex-partners screwing their children’s lives up.

I've been managing people for a while now (more than 8 years) and I'm huge on being close to the team. Fuck the "high chair" mentality. Yes, you have to be in control, but that does not mean you can't be human. Feelings exist for us all and lack thereof does not make you a better manager. In fact, my experience is that the more open you are, feelings et all, the better the team feels. You're part of the group, a leader, a shoulder to cry on, a support in tough times, a front and decision maker in conflicts not a person with a whip. Seems to be working fine for me, my average engagement measurements are usually around 10% above company average. Zero voluntary attrition in my team in the last 5 years.

Now, for whom to share with - depends on how close you are with your team and how your team deals with news. Some teams will immediately spread news, but that may not be a bad thing. As I mentioned before, we're all human, if you were good to your team in tough times, they will be good to you in tough times too!

>How do you keep your personal issues from messing up your work life, while everything at home feels like it's falling apart?

This is NOT limited to "managers"!!

Everyone has homelife impacting work-life

And vice-versa

I have 4 young children (about to be 5) ranging from 10 to not-yet 2

They matter

My wife matters

My home * matters*

My work matters

If you overly compartmentalize, you are either highly autistic, or have no sense of empathy ... or you are panicked, and think shoving everything into its own box will somehow solve everything else!

You are allowed to feel what you are going through - and it IS going to 'leak out' into other arenas of life!

I feel the issues my wife is having with this pregnancy ... and while I do my best to alleviate her concerns/problems ... sometimes life is life, and you just Have To Deal With It™

Learn to compartmentalise and never cross contaminate. In a way my professional and personal lives are two different identities.