Ask HN: How do I improve my emotional intelligence?

There's a lot of good input, but equally or more bad input, on this subject.

I think Jeb Blount's book is one of the good ones: https://jebblount.com/product/sales-eq/

It's definitely coming from a sales perspective, but that shouldn't hurt.

Look up "Peterson emotional intelligence" on YouTube to explore a slightly different take on emotional intelligence.

Jordan Peterson argues that EQ doesn't exist, and you can explore your personality with the Big 5 (mostly agreeableness).

I suggest also looking into "Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg" as it closely matches the issue you described.

Naturally I have a very good sense of people (like mirror neurons stuff). At the same time half the time i feel myself very awkward in communication, half the time - extremely well.

From that and some other observations during life I conclude that "emotional intelligence" is one of those journalist pseudo-science memes (like "10k hours of work" idea et.) made up to make some extra money.

On practical side - unless it is a serious issue causing extreme problems (like mental disorder) - you shouldn't bother about it.

There will always be some who don't like, misunderstand, don't appreciate what and how you say. And there will always be the opposite, and everyone in between. Regardless of the amount of books you read.

I would say you’ve taken the first step :)

It's difficult to see what you actually want.

If your looking to understand people better, their aspirations, desires, reasons, I would recommend reading fiction, complex or realist/naturalist fiction in particular.

Otherwise, you might look at conflict resolution books which often have step-by-step examples and suggestions.

Also I would not be super hard on yourself. A lot of this simply comes from practice and trial and error of actually interacting with people. You can read all you want, but putting it into practice is different.

I wouldn't recommend reading more books, psychology, theories or how to step guides. I've been in your shoes, good awareness but still offending or rubbing people the wrong way despite genuinely not intending to. I recommend a more experiential approach, which would obviously make more sense for something like our emotions. To be mentally capable one has to think more, to be emotionally capable one has to feel more. Therefore, I recommend meditation that is focused more on introspection, self-realisation. These processes will help you empathize more deeply with yourself, understand yourself deeply (much more deeply than merely in an intellectual manner) and then apply that to others. This way the dynamics between yourself and yourself, yourself and family, and finally yourself and others in the wider community will be clearer. The dynamics will then naturally resolve themselves over time. Good luck :)

I'd love to see what books people come up with.

Another component is practice. Talk to lots of people. Get a job at Starbucks if you are really committed. Or go to toastmasters. Join any club that has lots of conversation.

Observation is also good. Watch people around you, and see how they speak.

Do not look to fiction, as someone else suggested. Almost all fiction these days is conflict oriented. The examples in fiction are almost always "what not to do", you'll learn to be an insufferable stalker.

There are also dozens of books on communication. Read a few.

I'm not sure it's exactly what you're looking for, but there is a book "How to win friends and influence people" by Dale Carnegie - despite it's cheesy title and being pretty old, it's still very good advice. Turns out, people nature don't change that much !

I liked “Supercommunicators” by Charles Duhigg.

It’s not quite a word-by-word guide, but the examples are captivating and there’s practical advice on how to listen and ask better questions to create a connection.

One of the things he highlights is that a communication situation usually requires both small-scale experimentation and exposing some your own vulnerabilities to discover what might be relevant to the other person in that conversation. That means there’s inherently an element of risk-taking: you can’t stick to a single safe formula each time and expect to connect.

I sometimes feel that way as well, feel misunderstood and hence people become sad or upset.

I think it is not really emotional intelligence that you need or should be looking for. It feels like the problem/solution is more, how to connect more deeply with people. For that to happen, you need to communicate a lot (especially active listening) and feel/show empathy. Once there is this deeper connection, people trust you more and will be more open to explain their feelings.

Easier said than done but practice makes (almost) perfect.

I think some debate techniques might help.

A lot of guides break down into steps about where the opponent is coming from, why they are saying it. It also leads one into anticipating your opponents next move and knowing who your audience is.

This can help you understand why they may respond a certain way.

Make sure what you are saying adds value and doesn’t just make noise.

Also pairing reflective listening can help understand someone and increase EQ

I recently did some searched for 'life coaches' to try to find one to hire for someone..

Trying to recall all the things I've learned from experiences and from random snippets in books / magazines..

I want to teach others (or at least one other for sure) how to read other people's faces, expressions.. notice how they turn their shoes (towards you for more engagement, turning away, wanting to leave) - think I read that in a time life mini book years ago..

doing a DDG search for "teach people on spectrum about reading people" brings up too much 'learn reading text' results.

Did just find https://www.scienceofpeople.com/how-to-read-people/

so I'll be using that resource.

Interested in what others suggest.

Like we need to create a monthly 'cotillion for adults' club / events / coaching series whatever.. I think there is huge demand.

(https://www.cotillion.com/jdw/curriculum

I wonder if MDMA would help, it definitely increases empathy.

I think a defintion of EQ is helpful:

Emotional intelligence (EI) is defined as the ability to perceive, use, understand, manage, and handle emotions. People with high emotional intelligence can recognize their own emotions and those of others, use emotional information to guide thinking and behavior, discern between different feelings and label them appropriately, and adjust emotions to adapt to environments.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_intelligence

You’ll get much more out of a good therapist than a book.

A good therapist isn’t just there to help you work through past trauma or personal issues, they can also help with all your interpersonal interactions and relationships.

Besides books: ecstasy gave me the real experience being more empathy to other people.

See the Non-Violent Communication books.

They also have classes all over. Check their website.

Check out some DBT skills. They go through interpersonal stuff like that from a basic level.

DEAR MAN is a good one.

Describe the current situation (if necessary). Stick to the facts. Tell the person exactly what you are reacting to.

Express your feelings and opinions about the situation. Don’t assume that the other person knows how you feel.

Assert yourself by asking for what you want or saying “No” clearly. Do not assume that others will figure out what you want. Remember that others cannot read your mind.

Reinforce (reward) the person ahead of time (so to speak) by explaining positive effects of getting what you want or need. If necessary, also clarify the negative consequences of not getting what you want or need.

Mindful keep your focus on your goals. Maintain your position. Don’t be distracted. Don’t get off the topic. Speak like a “Broken record.” Keep asking for what you want. Or say “No” and express your opinion over and over and over. Just keep replaying the same thing again and again. Ignore attacks. If the other person attacks, threatens, or tries to change the subject, ignore the threats, comments, or attempts to divert you. Do not respond to attacks. Ignore distractions. Just keep making your point.

Appear confident, effective, and competent. Use a confident voice tone and physical manner; make good eye contact. No stammering, whispering, staring at the floor, retreating.

Negotiate be willing to give to get. Offer and ask for other solutions to the problem. Reduce your request. Say no, but offer to do something else or to solve the problem another way. Focus on what will work.

Not a golden way of improving your EQ, but Impro by Keith Johnstone was illuminating to me (specifically the chapter on Status). If you feel you struggle with understanding how to communicate I can't recommend it enough.

https://www.amazon.com/Impro-Improvisation-Theatre-Keith-Joh...

I always try to put myself in the other person’s shoes.

It sounds like you attempt this, you know it won’t go over well, but you say it anyway. Why are you saying things you know to be hurtful, when activity trying to not do that? Is it an impulse control issue, or is the feedback required, you just don’t know how to soften the blow?

> I know that what I will say (because of the way I will say it) will be delivered badly and probably make the person sad/angry, but I cannot find a way of fixing the words I use!

Before you say anything, ask yourself:

1) Does this need to be said?

2) Does this need to be said by me?

3) Does this need to be said by me, now?

I don't know if this will work for you, but I've found exercise and using the sauna give me a nice temporary boost in EQ. This makes a big difference for me, enough that it's my go to strategy

Do you know why it will make the other person sad or angry? What do you do when they get upset? What emotional state are you bringing to the conversation? Do you respect their emotions or just get annoyed with them for being ‘irrational’ or not understanding you? Have you noticed patterns in their responses to different types of deliveries? How often do you ask questions in one on one conversations? How often do you apologize when the other person gets upset?

I’m not sure you’ll be able to find a book that will tell you what to say word for word but you might be able to learn a lot from studying your own interactions. I’d encourage you to ask open ended questions when someone doesn’t react the way you expect them to.

I try to keep in mind that everyone is a rational actor based on their values and world view. If someone seems irrational it means that I’ve misunderstood their values or some aspect of their understanding of the world. Trying to figure out where the disconnect is can often be a better use of time than just repeating myself or rephrasing my thoughts.