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I'll bookmark this on my phone just in case I need it in the futur.
There are many videos out there recorded from radio communications between traffic control and planes where a non-pilot has had to take over the controls due to incapacitation or death of their pilot. It goes nothing like this author suggests.

Far more useful would be information on how to check the radio frequency and how to switch to guard if you can't raise anyone.

I've heard ATC conversations with students who ended up having to land solo, but never with a total novice - any examples you can share?
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Do I think I could land a plane if I had to? Yes, I do think I could.

I mean I could win the lottery, too.

Low penalty for failing to win the lottery.

Otherwise, given enough tries, your chances of landing are vastly better.

I solo'd in about 13 hours, and 77 landings.

This is... terrible advice, on a number of different points.

1000 ft in an airplane is not the height of a 45 story building, its about double that, and it feels very different from looking out of a building. The rest of the advice about altitude is just confusing.

The famous saying is "in an emergency: aviate, navigate, communicate". What that means is that step two should not be communicate, it should be your last priority, even in this situation. You should get the plane flying straight and level before you try to figure out radios. Don't firewall the throttle before pulling it back an arbitrary amount, make radio calls, then fly the plane, then figure out where to go.

Simply put, this is confusing advice from the perspective of a pilot. I can't imagine how confusing it would be to someone completely freaked out with no experience staring death in the face.

Well it starts out OK. Planes want to fly, and they want to land. But it takes a little convincing because of course a plane doesn't really want anything.

Where things go sideways in the article is simultaneously verbose about extraneous details while entirely leaving out relevant details.

I think a non-pilot needs help ASAP. Either on board the plane or via cell phone or radio. Aviate first is good advice but I would promote communication over navigating in this case. A pilot can and should navigate. A non-pilot really can't, at least not cockpit navigation. Their mobile decice will need wifi. Maps app on most any mobile device will give a sufficiently accurate position.

I think the article is an exercise in how something that seems straightforward can be difficult to explain. Landings also have an inordinate number of often fatal pitfalls.

The best advice though is in the article: Don't panic. Don't make abrupt control inputs.

It depends a bit on what you mean by "navigate". Flying in the general direction of an airport is probably a lower priority than getting some help on the radio, but not flying toward a mountain or even a cloud should be a very high priority.
For sure. My broader point is that:

Step 1. fuck with the throttle

Step 2. reach for the PTT button on the yoke, which he confidently states is certain to be where it definitely wasn't on the plane I trained in, lets hope you don't start holding the trim switch which is also on the yoke for 15-20 seconds!

Step 3. Get her straight and level

Is kind of the exact wrong order.

I am also doubting his claim that he had several students land without assistance on the first try. I have had a few students land with minimal assistance on the first try but I am quite sure that the airplane would be damaged had I refrained from making a couple of minor corrections. Some of those students were very talented (one soloed at 7 hours and went on to fly for Jet Blue eventually, of course this had little to do with my instruction) but they still needed a little bit of help the first time.
> The famous saying is "in an emergency: aviate, navigate, communicate". What that means is that step two should not be communicate, it should be your last priority, even in this situation. You should get the plane flying straight and level before you try to figure out radios.

What does "navigate" mean in this situation? I'd expect that getting the plane flying straight and level would fall under "aviate".

Identify and head towards safe(r) locations (i.e. an airport, open field, open water, etc.) to put the plane down.
Navigate means make sure that the plane is flying somewhere safe (not into a cloud, mountain, etc) and figure out where you are geographically if possible, since that is going to be one of the first things they ask you on the radio. The reason they give that advice about communicate is that they are trying to make sure you maintain situational awareness, and a safe state of flight in an emergency. The advice is basically saying that whoever is on the radio can wait until you are ready to talk to them, and have handled all of the important bits.

My broader point is that getting the plane straight and level is far more important than the radio, and fiddling with the throttle is not the first step in any scenario that I can imagine.

Aviate means to get the aircraft under control, straight and level as you say. Maintaining or correcting the position and direction of the aircraft, navigation, is of lower priority than keeping it under control. The idea behind the saying is to encourage the pilot to not prioritize maintaining altitude, heading, flight path, rules and regulations (or even following air traffic control instructions) over focusing on keeping the plane in the air. Communicating your situation, intent, and deviations to ATC and surrounding traffic is again a lower priority.
> start by saying "PAN PAN" or MAYDAY (depends on the country).

In which country are those not priority 2 and priority 1 messages? Or is a non-pilot flying is a different problem depending on the country?

If you're not a pilot, there's nothing else but "MAYDAY".

"Help me! Help me!" ("M'aidez")

much better than

"I've broken down! I've broken down" ("En Panne")

:)