I think my son might be a bit gifted, his current school "thinks he's stupid."

The other day my son said to his nanny, “people will think I’m stupid when I do bad things.” I read this and thought to myself what a terribly sad thing to hear a child say! They know they’re doing “bad things” or not normal things but they also know that they’re smart! This also says to be that my son knows there are reasons why he does “bad things” without fully understanding why he does them. But then again, he knows he is smart! Unlike the teachers around him who think that he is stupid or even bad. The other day the SENCO told me my son is “impulsive” and I’ve never once thought that about him. He stims, yes. He has difficulty with loud noises, yes. This was is the context of “transitions.”

I don’t think my son reads the books in class because they are too easy - he reads airline magazines and train books targeted at adults. His memory is incredible (he’s practically memorized the London Underground map and I think most National Rail routes as well). I asked him the other day “do you think you’re smarter than everyone in your class?” Before I even finished the question he said, “Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.” The trouble is, he’s not good at homework! And he’s been very reluctant to learn. He says things like “I know everything” and I’m trying to encourage him not to zone out if someone starts saying something, he could possibly have ADD/ADHD also. I’m also trying to teach him the difference between being smart or intelligent and “being good at school” and getting good grades.

My son has shown a proclivity for maths. And he has a fair bit of trauma to overcome after a transfer of residence. He’s also quite tall for his age, in the top 1-2%, so I’d love to encourage him to pursue sport as well. But really, more than anything, I want for him where he is given the benefit of the doubt and feels understood. Right now, he’s supposed to have dedicated 1-to-1 support trained in working with children on the autism spectrum, but it seems he gets a wide range of support staff from quite good to clueless.

My son recently told me that at his last school, where he got his autism diagnosis during the pandemic and the school had no 1-to-1 support, a teacher (he told me by name) “locked him in jail for a whole day.” By which I assume he means they did not have the support staff and he must’ve been “misbehaving” and so they locked him in a closet or bathroom from the sound of it (I’ve not yet filed a formal complaint but at least intend to fill out something online).

The current school is much better but far from ideal. I’m quite sure I’m an adult on the spectrum, never officially diagnosed, and so seeing my son go through this is a bit heartbreaking.

It is a silly example, but I really enjoyed the movie The Accountant because of how it highlighted the fact that there are different types of intelligence. And yet I don’t think I’d want my son to be in a home away from the world, I want him to be socializing with children his own age and acclimating to society and “being normal” as much as possible (having friends, getting involved).

I know ABA Therapy is scientifically proven to help the treatment of an ASC diagnosis, and to help children achieve true independence, with 40/hours a week being recommended, but I cannot afford the ABA care in the UK (45k-120k per year) whereas, on the right insurance plan, this might be 100% covered by insurance in the USA. I’m reeling, because I feel like I’m yelling into the void trying to help my son. And I worry every day that goes by that I don’t do more for him is his future potential being further reduced.

My son is slated to be in the same school for year 3 next year, which will be good for stability and routine. But in year 4 and beyond I would love to find an environment where school staff understand neurodivergence and no one on school staff thinks that “stimming” or overexcitement =“stupid.”