Ask HN: Struggling with poor memory and executive function. What to do?

Practice meditation.

Stop striving to hit other people's targets. Find what makes you you.

There might be some combination of drugs and therapies that could help some or all of those conditions. It doesn't work for everyone, but if you have never tried the mainstream approach, it might be worth a shot.

If you can start to see small improvements in some of those areas, then you can build other practices on top of them and keep improving those skills.

There are also many alternative modalities (doctors of naturopathic medicine, for example) with different approaches, if you prefer. You can try multiple providers/modalities until you find one that works for you, if you can afford it.

Best of luck to you! 40 here, and my life's also a mess, but I have no neurological/biological excuses lol, just my own personal failures. Hopefully you'll find some helpful approaches once you start looking.

I have experienced similar issues and received medication for [underlying condition], which has helped immensely.

But on a more practical level, I have found that using a calendar and a notes app (I use Obsidian) has been invaluable for my memory and organisational skills. Also having a daily routine and sticking to it.

Having one or more good friends that will bust your balls when needed, eating right, keeping a journal of your successes as well as thoughts and failures, and much more besides will be needed.

If you aren't able or willing to pursue a potential diagnosis, you can at least check out some of the channels that deal with A(u)DHD lifestyle challenges and coping/productivity methods. Even if you don't fit the bill for a diagnosis, there's enough crossover that you will probably find them very helpful, as you have evident ADHD traits.

B. Remove strong dopamine stimulants from your life (if any) at least for a little while. Dopamine is powerful, but desensitizing. Your brain likes a balance of ups and downs - extreme ups cause everything else to be perceptually lower. This perceived lower outlook often then increases the very need for the thing creating the high, causing a vicious cycle. Alcohol and Porn are the big ones where, anecdotally, you can notice significant changes in your outlook after a month of fully abstaining. Other people may need to cut back or remove Video Games and excess Food for a while. What is important though is that dopamine is dopamine, your brain can get it from many places, so be careful to remove and not replace.

C. Consider your spiritual life. I’m personally Catholic, and will always strongly recommend and beg that you begin investigating that (as I’m showing my bias here); but if you are not at peace with God (or even whatever you honor), it will mentally eat at you. Dante’s Inferno may have demons consuming humans in Hell - but the mental anguish from a guilty conscience will eat at you in this life.

D. When you know there’s nothing seriously wrong with you (therapy); have your mind mentally balanced (removing strong stimulants); and believe yourself to be in a spiritually good place (no nagging conscience); efforts to exert your will or follow guides to becoming more ordered and focused will, in my opinion, have a much higher likelihood of success as the serious boulders in the road will have been removed.

Seriously, it was a big help and minimal side-effects aside from a bit of aggression, but if you want assertive, you get assertive.

> I want to read more Hit up a place of books

> I want to develop skills Choose books that skill you up

> I want to build relationships Consistently reach out to people

> I want to be an entrepreneur You're in good company.

> It feels like I just wasn't given the playbook, and worse, am incapable of piecing one together. Have any of you dealt with this? Any advice? Are there coaches that can help? You're capable. Don't tell yourself you're not. Go and form a plan for yourself, you know yourself best and you don't need anyone else. Be confident.

Beyond that, though, three things that have been Big in helping me build my mental capacity (and they’re all deeply stereotypical, but):

1. Sleep - more than anything else, consistently getting 8+hrs of sleep improves my cognition and consequently my productivity and my mood. I spend a lot of effort on sleep hygiene (dim red light and no screens at night, bright light or sun in the morning), but a couple days of good sleep are irreplaceable.

2. Related to 1, cut booze. Mostly because it ruins effective sleep, but also because it’s a depressant and a stand-in for all the other stuff I’m trying to improve for myself. Less booze, better sleep, better mood, better health, repeat.

3. Exercise - I can’t do cardio for shit, but I started doing strength training a while back and love it. It’s a great mood booster - physiologically, you’re basically doing a nervous system reset when picking up a sufficiently heavy thing. It also helps me sleep better, reduces a bunch of weird aches and pains, and makes me feel like a badass.

Again, go see a professional - my therapist’s how I learned all the above - but in the meantime, those three things have been enormous to improving my mood, capacity, and productivity.

2. Adderall

3. Write a journal/notes

4. Routine

For what it's worth I know how you feel. I had a bad motorcycle accident that left me in the ICU for a week and for which I had to get surgery to get fixed up. Since I had a history of concussions this one was particularly bad and I had trouble focusing for months. I used to have the kind of memory where I could recite sections of my VIN after entering it twice or thrice, and recite it in entirety if done a few more times. I have degrees in Mathematics and Physics with only one class where I took notes (the one I did the worst in). Now I don't have that memory, and it is comparatively debilitating.

I've compensated by using more to-do lists and notes and it has worked a lot better. The hardest part has been sticking to goals. I forget why I set goals which makes it hard to stick to procedures that achieve them. Fortunately for me, my wife is a substantial support, and because my cognitive skill hasn't declined as much as my memory I still get a lot of things done.

Good luck.

On a high level, what's going on in your life may not be considered the best by some "social standards", but it's not necessarily "bad".

You can start by checking if your desires are in line with the standards, or if you would rather have a more "unconventional" way of being, accept it, and try to find ways to work and relate to people from there.

The next part is that a lot of what you see as the problems are skills and you can learn them.

* Emotional regulation is a skill, it has to be learned and practiced.

* Concentration is a skill; some meditation practices are a way to develop it.

* Thinking is a skill; "real" thinking can be difficult and uncomfortable, especially at first.

* Building coherent models of reality is an advanced skill and requires thinking, modeling, verification, self-reflection, and other skills.

* Being a successful entrepreneur is a very advanced skill, requiring all of the above and much more.

Next, you can define your skill learning priorities and decide for which skills you can use some help from professionals and which skills you can train yourself.

If you do your work and come back to the same topic in a year, you will have more experience and better understanding. Identify what you're missing and keep going. Eventually you will be in the much better state.

Good luck!

See a doctor: Rule out any underlying medical conditions. Seek professional help: Therapists or coaches specializing in executive function and memory can provide personalized strategies. Develop routines and systems: Use calendars, to-do lists, and reminders to stay organized. Break down tasks: Tackle big goals in smaller, manageable steps. Practice mindfulness: Meditation and other mindfulness techniques can improve focus and emotional regulation. Connect with others: Talking to friends, family, or support groups can be helpful. Remember, you're not alone and there's help available. Start with small changes and be patient with yourself.

It is too early for me to tell definitively whether it has helped, but I think it has.

Be prepared for this to be a long process.

I'm relatively successful in tackling my mental health issues and neurodivergence, have been on therapy, medication constantly for over a decade, but when I'm in a particularly bad shape from a depression or attention deficit, I'll actually drop the very things that have worked in the past, even when I'm perfectly aware they help. It's weird and absolutely irrational.

The only advice I can give you, really, based on this personal experience, is to get a third-party to "coach" you into doing the right stuff. Anybody. It can be family, a friend, anyone. If you already have a therapist, most will be likely happy to do it. All you need is someone to hold you accountable for the stuff you know you need to do. That person will keep tabs on you for a few weeks until you follow all the obvious advice here: find a therapist, a psychiatrist, a gym, quit booze, etc. In worst case scenarios, that person can go ahead and schedule appointments for you.

Once you're in therapy and|or medication and|or good habits for a couple months, you'll get traction to do everything else, and with some luck (finding the right professional, the right drug, the right methods is a trial-and-error) you'll build up some momentum quickly and won't need anyone keeping tabs anymore.