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How to Maneuver Social Situations

1 points by rajabhau ↗ HN
I am at a loss of words on what exactly to call this - social intelligence, emotional intelligence, basic understanding of how humans work and function, so something else.

But the pattern in my life is - any network that I am part of, people form a group against me. This has been the case since my childhood. We moved to US when I was 9. In the school, I thought it could be because I am new here, or "outsider". But same story is repeated again and again in some shape or form. Now, I am 42 and going through a very painful divorce. We don't have any children. I don't find a single thread where divorce is as painful for people without children.

I don't fucking understand how people form groups. It seems like uniting people against me has been so much easier for other people. What the fuck do they tell them? Let's fuck up this guy?

And whenever I have tried doing it, it has failed every fucking single time. I simply go and ask for a favor to the people whom I have already made a favor. More often, my favor for them has been much more significant than what I'd ask them for. I have no fucking idea how to influence people for my benefit in the cases of direct or indirect fights.

I have never felt this down in my life. I just don't see a hope in being alive, or spending next 30-40 years dealing with people. But to give it one last try, I want to learn how to be a person who wins in social situations.

Do you have recommendations on any courses, books, blogs, or anything else?

@admins - this is a throwaway account, please do not delete/suppress this post. I cannot post with my regular account because it contains a lot of PII. I cannot wait for new account to be established either.

5 comments

[ 3.8 ms ] story [ 12.0 ms ] thread
the_real_cher
You might have autism or Asperger's. That's sort of the thing people like that have issues with.

There's lots of books on winning friends and influencing people that you can Google.

From the sound of it though you might need a therapist.

rajabhau
I have visited therapists in the past. They did not seem to help a lot. I have been thoroughly evaluated for autism, since this is the first thing people think of when i talk about the issue. Every single time it results into non-autistic conclusion. Thank you for suggesting google though, I never heard of that site. What a brilliant suggestion. Why didn't you meet me before, oh lord, o lord.
fragmede
if you've come across that, have you come across HSP/SPS?

but I mean, you're asking for help and just look at the comment I'm replying to. how do you think that comes across got anyone else that finds this thread and wants to help? it's easy to see you're having trouble navigating social situations if that level of sarcasm for someone that doesn't deserve it is your natural state of being.

some self reflection is in order because we can't really answer this for you - we don't have your lived experience to disect here. a therapist you share those with would be able to help far beyond random Internet strangers advice. of course you get out of that what you put in, and that may be beyond you at this time.

hacknewslogin
More often then not, this boils down to the greatest common denominator. There's something you do or the way you look at things that is generating hostility. Just looking at your reply to the other comment makes that clear. While all of their suggestions seem obvious to you, you don't have to reply the way you did. Obvious contempt won't get you far socially.

I don't have a huge social network, but I have plenty of people that think favorably of me. My trick is to be kind. Sure sometimes people try to take advantage of me, but they're easy to spot and avoid.

Only the worst kind of people make enemies of those living a life of kindness. It's not always easy, but I think it's worth the effort.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VbUKyLwm0kw

Good luck

BillSims
I am guessing if you ask the people around you why they formed a group against you that they will likely not give you an honest helpful answer.

Is there any chance that you could find someone outside the group with great social skills who could gently insert themselves into contact with the group and after a suitable amount of time gently politely honestly ask some or all of the group "What is it about rajabhau?" and get the group to mostly honestly tell this person what nobody in the group will likely honestly tell you? And this person could think about what they were told and decide what they should tell you. That information might help. If it isn't possible to get a person to do this then are there any other ideas on how to get the information needed to understand this situation and then decide what to do?

Another completely different idea, I have been thinking that some individuals might greatly benefit from having a personal manager or possibly mentor. This person would not be a friend, therapist, co-worker, boss, family member. This person would be an excellent manager. That means this person knows much more about things at a higher level and uses information to decide when to tell you what information they need you to watch for and collect for them and what you should do and not do and when to walk away and when to run fast and far away from a situation, hopefully before it becomes a disaster. It is very clear now that I really needed one of those a lifetime ago. If anyone has any information or resources or ideas relevant to this idea then I would greatly appreciate hearing about this. I am going to fund some people to look into ideas like this and any information on what to try and what not to try will hopefully make that project more successful.