Ask HN: 19yr old child suffering from internet gaming disorder? Any suggestions?
My child, 19, is clearly suffering from Internet Gaming Disorder. They are spending all waking moment on an online Roblox capture the flag game with god know who all. They are in a top ranked EECS program, think (Stanford, Berkeley, MIT, Cornell, CMU...) and the grades are not great.
They are not focused on internship, which is about to end, and I don't think they did a good job. I tried to help but they're just not prioritizing the work. When at home they are just spending time on the above game. It's hard for us to decide how much to push and how much to let go, in case it all backfires and makes it worse. I'm worried they are throwing this great educational opportunity away which will impact their entire future life and worse this develops into something even more serious that it already is.
Has anyone else gone through this, personally or for a loved one, and has any suggestions?
Thank you!!
171 comments
[ 4.8 ms ] story [ 228 ms ] threadI wouldn't worry about it. You never know what direction it will take them.
I think it's fair to say that internet gaming is a poor metric for predicting success, even when there are horror/miracle stories abound.
Regardless, saying "don't worry about it it will probably work out" isn't helpful advice.
Show him that in real life there is no problem playing video games as long as he knows that you need to have money to support that thing.
A child will eventually collide with reality. Hard. You have one choice:
- have him collide with reality under the watchful eyes of somebody who loves them
- have him collide with reality under the authority of somebody who could care less about him (police, landlord, utilities, etc)
And I explain it to them. It's coming, it's real, you'll have to do so many things -- but that if these things are learned at a consistent steady pace, I imagine a bit less earth shattering than the notion of do whatever you want, until life beats you up.
Parenting, all about preparing them for their future in all the ways, or at least giving it your best shot. Communication here, like in everything, is key.
Teaching someone to be self-motivated is a tricky thing, taking either the nature or nurture side of the debate. Either it is innate, or taught. If taught, I don’t think it’s a quick lesson, rather it takes years.
I know I grew up without much means, and was very motivated to get a “real job” and make “real money” after working through high school and college, mostly full-time. Wasn’t great but it worked out I guess. My spouse has much younger siblings, a wealthy father, and her siblings were in high-level sports their whole childhood. Never worked, wanted for nothing. Trips around the world, etc. One of them dropped out of college and the other two live back at home without a job, having graduated.
I don’t know why I typed that out, hope it helps.
He's an actual psychiatrist from Harvard and has a YT channel focused on mental health for gamers (https://youtube.com/@healthygamergg) but also for parents, https://youtube.com/@healthygamerfamilies
His resources helped me personally, and I'm confident his parent channel is just as good!
Good luck!!
Very good IMHO.
There are two episodes one from March 5 and 6 of this year.
You can also try to talk logic to him. Explain how much you love him and want him to be successful. And you really want him to try quitting the game for “just two weeks” and see what happens.
But if you are still paying for everything, internet included. Cut the funds.
It’s honestly a little weird that you’re this into your child’s business after they’ve gone off to college, especially since this doesn’t even seem like a major crises (drug or alcohol problem, major psychiatric crisis) that I saw a ton of people go through in college.
Assuming they’re not failing, that they even got an internship after their first year shows a ton of initiative. I wouldn’t be too worried.
It does sound like you might be a helicopter parent though. In that case, did they get this internship largely of their own initiative or is it something you pushed them into?
> What do you mean by “not great” grades? Failing, or not 4.0?
3.0
> especially since this doesn’t even seem like a major crises..
Concern is that is this a symptom of another issue or can it develop into something else. I'm just looking for help/advise/suggestions/...
> you might be a helicopter parent though
Am I concerned, yes. Are we helicopter parents, don't think so.
Edit: If it’s any consolation, I did know people who were truly addicted to gaming in college. They couldn’t manage their time and were on academic probation by the end of freshman year. Slept through multiple finals because they were up late playing league of legends. Never got any internships. Your kid doesn’t sound like the people I knew who really couldn’t manage their time. Also, Freshman year is generally academically the rockiest. A 3.0 is fine. The kids I knew who really couldn’t cut it were failing by the end of their first semester. And this is at a far less competitive program than where your kid is at.
I didn't have enough alone time as a kid. I cannot exist alone.
I was always connected to the internet, so I would always be talking or interacting with someone. Always. I seemingly was not able to develop basic things that my brain should be able to do when alone, because I did not spend any time alone in order to develop them.
Now I can't do anything on my own unless I make it into a social thing. Some things by their very nature cannot be social things; I simply cannot do those things.
For example, I can't imagine things to myself. I can imagine things to describe to someone else, but I can't imagine things to myself. I can't entertain myself, either. Even watching videos or media, I have to also be talking to someone at the same time or I just get bored.
My only fulfillment comes from people. My happiness comes from making other people happy. My entertainment comes from entertaining other people. My imagination comes from depicting things to other people. My identity comes from showing other people.
But to myself, without anyone else, I do not exist.
Not sure if I'd call that "well-socialized" or "codependent". (although I guess codependence is usually on a specific other person rather than just people in general...)
All due respect, I too would black my mind out and escape and just want to play video games with my friends if I was from that kind of household/level of pressure/expectation.
Depending on what game your son is playing (I've heard of Roblox but I'm not familiar with it), and how they're playing it, it very well may be that your son is developing some very valuable skills. It might not be managing people, but it might be creative problem solving, setting goals and working towards them, etc.
It sounds also like your son is a bit obsessive, and clearly very intelligent if he's able to achieve the grades he has while devoting so much time to a game.
I was this way too.
By the time I was 23 years old I tapped into some self motivation and desire for more financial freedom and became an entrepreneur. Through the rest of my 20 isn't into my early 30s that obsessive attention shifted from gaming and into my business. I didn't make millions of dollars but that type of focused effort led me to develop many valuable skills. I ended up selling my business for a small sum and now I make good money consulting on my own terms.
Frankly I think the most constructive thing you could do is just show an interest in what your son is doing in his game. In order for this to be constructive you have to reserve judgment. Don't hope for any specific answer just be curious and empathetic. Rather than reading about "gaming disorders" read about Roblox, maybe even try playing it a bit yourself, and try to really understand what it is your son is doing and why.
You might find in the end that nothing is wrong.
There are many paths to success. Almost no one follows exactly the path they set out for themselves in their youth, and most of those who do have mental health issues.
Assuming you want your son to be content and successful, support them in finding their own way, even if you don't fully understand it.
When I was 17 I had a career counsellor lecture me on there being no future in computers, and that instead I should become a carpenter or electrician, etc.
You don't know what the world will be like in 10 years or what skills your son will need to navigate it. You don't even know if college is what's best for him (even if you think you do).
So let go, let him make mistakes and figure it out for himself. He's clearly smart enough. He just needs you to be there for him and believe in him. Make sure he knows you love him unconditionally.
It will work out.
I wasn't dealing with addictions, but I had my own share of mental health struggles back then. It sounds like you need to seek help from professionals, rather than internet randos.
2) Which game is it? Roblox is generally geared towards children - it's not exactly a mature game or audience. The gaming sounds like less of an issue than the choice of game. I would actually try to find out more about the game and what interests them about it.
My personal opinion is: hands off, supportive, but make your thoughts known - they are their own person and not every mistake leads to a life of disaster. If they got into a great school, they will land on their feet one way or another. But 19 is pretty old to have a video game issue, so it might be a symptom of other problems.
some Tower defense game.
> But 19 is pretty old to have a video game issue, so it might be a symptom of other problems.
part of my concern, or perhaps there was always a gaming issue we just didn't think it was serious enough.
> My personal opinion is: hands off, supportive, but make your thoughts known
So far, this is our approach.
You have a lot of expectations and a lot of "fancy talk" about growing up, being an adult, etc. But you are likely a boring shell of a person who cannot understand that the things worth living for (like friends, experiences, fun, being cool) are not observably a part of your life; nor can your advice about career be observed as leading to the things worth living for.
What are you offering your son instead of video games? Here's a simple challenge: offer your son an experience that is so tantalizing that he sets down the game to participate in. If you take part in this experience, it will likely improve your relationship.
And for christ sake never use the stupid phrase "19 year old child." Have some respect for your son. He's you, and if you respect him, he will be there for you when you are a drooling invalid at old age near death.
Go to sleep tonight and think about your own mortality; you will die. Maybe you will wake up and see the world differently.
I’ll literally sail off into the sunset in a metal tub before imposing myself on my kids like that.
I however, agree that as the context of your children isn't relevant to the topic, it makes sense not to provide that context, however it does perfectly demonstrate that you either can't comprehend my point, inconsistent, or you are just plain arrogant.
https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=41240943
getting a deeper understanding of what is going on inside the game itself might provide some insight into what's going on
Just to share that option.
Do not make this about the game. When you talk to him be sure to focus entirely on your concerns about their performance in school and how that will impact their future. But never directly call out the game itself.
In all likelihood he KNOWS that he's not meeting your expectations and knows exactly why, and knows that you know. What good is there to tell them that they're playing too many video games?
Instead, suggest that they spend more time on school and even use funding as a consequence. If they fail, they get X chances, before funding is pulled.
Lastly, I would implore you to figure out why they're more interested in wasting time on roblox. In all likelihood they just haven't found their "thing" yet. It's not your job per se to find it for them, but I would try hard to support whatever path they want to take even if it isn't the one you saw for them.
Does that mean you need to let them waste away on roblox? Of course not. But chances are they're spending so much time on that game because they're unhappy in whatever pursuit they're in now.
Edit: Missed this part in the suggestion, " If they fail, they get X chances, before funding is pulled."
This is something, at the moment, I don't agree with. But who knows, depending on how things evolve..
Assumption that time spent playing Roblox at his age is a waste. (None of us know if this is true)
And that there should be conditions on your support and love.
Everything I ever wanted as a teenager was always on a condition I would get good grades. Not 8 out of 10 but perfect 10's. Even then it was never met with any compliments or recognition. It was my job and I was expected to just do it.
I'll be honest here, I don't speak with my mom anymore and barely with my father. If this isn't the relationship you want to have with your kids in the future, please evaluate the impact your demands and expectations could have on them today.
Unconditional support doesn't mean protecting your son from failure or consequences in life. It just means you always offer an empathetic ear to help them process their struggles. It may even mean helping the face hard truths, so long as it's being done from a place of love and not disappointment.
I really do get the sense you know this, I'm saying it mostly because others seem to have misunderstood what I meant.
I don't think there's a right or wrong here... I just think that at some point they need to know that you will always love them, will try very hard to support them, but there is a limit to how far you will go.
I agree.
It's not "meeting expectations", I look at it as a concern that one can become self-sufficient and do well in life, regardless of the path.
Yeah but no but yeah but... (to echo "Little Britain").
Love can be tough sometimes. A child (even when they are 20-30-40) and addicted to heroin, a parent doesn't love them by giving them money to score again. Or if your kid (again is 20-30-40 and alcoholic) you do them no good if you give them beer-money daily.
Love is the intention. The means/medium/manner in which the Love is materialized/expressed is a whole other ballgame.
I don't think video games itself is necessarily the problem, it seems like the kid may be facing some intense external pressures in life that they need to escape to something; the escape just happens to be a specific video game.
I have a sibling (I'm omitting gender to obscure which sibling it could be) that my parents were extremely overprotective over; they had a lot of problems with just life in general. I had them live with me for around four years and covered as much as I could for them while their job was to just graduate from college.
They couldn't do it, and I ramped down my support for them over time and had them eventually move out. They said it was the best thing I ever did for them because it forced them to face life and they eventually got a job, found a place to live on their own, and also get therapy. They were diagnosed with ADHD. After getting appropriate medication, they were able to complete schooling successfully.
Sometimes you have to let the chicks leave the nest; let them fail and fight. Sometimes medication might be required to live a normal life. There's only so much one can do as a parent or a sibling, but in the end, it's their life and you need to let them live it out.
Depression, anxiety, etc. can be sort of pushed aside by gaming all day. Did that for years. Finding their ”thing” might help with it, but not finding it isn’t probably the direct cause imo.
They're probably using the game to escape. Just tell them you support whatever they do, and help them try different things until they find what they are interested in.
One of my roommates in college got addicted to League of Legends. He'd play it all day long, skip classes, not study, etc.. I don't remember what happened exactly but his mom had to get involved and I think he spent some time back at home (detoxing maybe from constant gaming?) before coming back and being better (even apologized for being the way he was, it's easy to realize how crazy it can get when your on the other side).
Basically, get him out of an environment where gaming is freely available. If not that, at least keep contact and keep the pressure up so that they at least have some influence against the tide.
He's 19, a child who just a year or two ago still lived at home... don't think of yourself as powerless and take the action needed to get him to snap back. Hopefully he's receptive.
EDIT: I think people here who think this is fine are just assuming this is a typical kid gaming at school. If this is seemingly so bad that the OP is going on here, I'd err on the side of the parent having a legitimate concern rather than some helicoptering, especially since it's easy to fall into this trap with a developing mind and in a new environment.
Every waking moment, literally, is spent in gaming. Slept at 8am (not a typo), woke up at 2pm and went directly to game. How is that not an addiction?
Or a person can be addicted to avoiding something (like his real-world life) via addiction- or OCD-like obsession with something that's both (1) readily available in quantity, and (2) well-suited to keeping his mind off whatever he's avoiding.
And of course there are overlap situations, and shades of gray, and possibly multiple things being avoided, being addicted to, and being used as distractions.
What if he were studying the equivalent of "basket weaving"?
It's definitely obsessive behavior, but it sounds like that's how your son is wired. If you want your son to be happy, start supporting him unconditionally and stop making him feel judged. If you want him to be exceptional, be patient and odds are he will eventually direct his obsessive behavior towards something valuable.
When I was in college (before streaming TV) they played X-Files for 4-6 hours each night starting at midnight and I’d stay up all night watching.
After getting my first real job, I remember seriously trying to figure out how I would record all 6 hours each night (how many VHS tapes and if I’d need multiple VCRs), and how I would fit 6 hours of X-Files into my evening each night after work.
Then I realized, “I guess I can’t watch X-Files anymore”. And I stopped watching X-Files.
Discuss with him the options and paths in front of him, including your concerns that gaming might be the symptom of something more serious, and that you love him no matter what, are here to support him, and that even if he dropped out of school, while you’d be very disappointed you would still be there to support him no matter what.
Then you let him make choices and learn from them. Sometimes people have to fail in order to learn. You literally can’t convey to someone what it’s like to burn their hand on the stove. You have to give them the freedom to touch it. And then they know.
Allow the adult you raised to live their own life. This is not a life-threatening condition.
Amazing that there are still adults out there that don't understand how you find yourself and place in life isn't some paint by numbers book.
I'm going to be brutally honest here because you seem to be open to it: Kids who reach adulthood without any practice adulting tend to become overwhelmed by the sudden onset of real responsibility, and it's not uncommon for that to lead to maladaptive coping mechanisms, with video games being one of the most benign. In this context, since you're asking and clearly still extremely involved in your adult child's life, I strongly suspect that this is exactly what's going on here (though obviously I could be wrong!).
If I'm right, managing their life for them and trying to solve their problems with university will provide a band-aid, but won't address the root of the problem. You might get them through uni and have them fall apart when they get into a career or a relationship. At this point you have to let go—it's too late to make the transition to adulthood smooth, but better a bumpy transition at 19 than complete failure to launch.
Not sure if we were overprotective, but sometimes self-evaluation is not accurate. I have heard them express continually that they want to manage their life and push back on help. So, perhaps we were.
* How did they get into the top tier school? Did they lose a work ethic that they had in high school or did they get good grades without developing a work ethic?
* Why do you know their grades? As a reference point, my parents never had cause to know my grades in college.
* This is more minor, but the fact that you identify a behavioral pattern as a disorder is concerning to me. The proliferation of the word "disorder" to describe every bad behavior is correlated in my head with a tendency among modern parents to shield their children from responsibility for their actions.
I don't want to go dredging up the past except insofar as it's useful for improving the future—there's no need to go back and kick yourselves for anything that's done and gone. That said, what I'm hearing suggests that in the present you're more involved in your adult child's life than is healthy, and that's something that can be addressed now.
A lot of parents contribute financial support to their college students and therefore feel they have a vested interest in knowing their childrens' grades.
Aside from the obvious problems this causes for affordability, this also causes young adults continue to be dependent on their parents well into adulthood, leading to the problems manifested here.
I don't expect any one set of parents to pull the plug (though we're absolutely going to do that and encourage our kids to go to state schools that they can afford or have a really solid plan for paying down the debt). However, I would definitely suggest that parents consider that paying huge amounts of money to get your kid through a top-to-tier school doesn't actually give them a leg up if you deprive them of entering adulthood until years later than their less-wealthy peers.
I don't think I agree that this is common language.
The simple form of relationship is "our children" or "my parents", clarifying the age bracket isn't normally used. I say this as someone with 2 children, one is 19.
In some contexts I may describe my parents as "my elderly parents", but only if the age context is relevant.
Infant? Toddler? Young child? Tween? Teenager?
Really?
So you'd introduce every time, as your (infant|toddler|young child|tween|teenager|adult|senior|elderly) child? Because that seems odd.
Yes, really.
As opposed to what? I’m not arrogant enough to assume every stranger online knows the general age of my kids.
One might argue that by not providing the age context as an adjective, you disrespected your children. However, this position seems to assume that age-specific descriptors are always necessary, which I disagree with. In fact, your choice to use the bare noun appears to show a nuanced understanding of when such specificity is needed and when it's superfluous.
EDIT: I also see it's not the first time you've, according to your definition, been arrogant enough to not provide the age range of your children: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=41213069
I'm not going to bother with a real reply. You clearly have issues.
I provided a thoughtful, on-topic discussion. Your choice to sidestep it entirely speaks volumes. It strongly suggests you recognise the validity of my points but are too prideful to concede.
If you actually have a substantive rebuttal to the linguistic concepts we were discussing, let's hear it. Otherwise, your ad hominem remarks only serve to underscore the strength of my original argument and your inability to counter it.
And let's be clear - I'm not your 'bro'. Resorting to such casual dismissiveness doesn't mask your failure to engage in genuine debate.
I'll take no response to this as an acknowledgement that you were incorrect in your assertion.
> And the inverse is?
This is a fine example of not every word in the English language having a pure inverse. This whole topic is flawed from the jump because you don't seem to understand this point, leading to the rest of your commentary.
> I don't think I agree that this is common language.
Nobody needs you to agree to anything at all for something to be common. What point did you think you were making here? What an arrogant way to think.
> The simple form of relationship is "our children" or "my parents", clarifying the age bracket isn't normally used. I say this as someone with 2 children, one is 19.
If you're going to tell me you've never clarified the age of your offspring when in conversation with someone, I'd call you a liar. As an aside [0] the first three definitions of "child" according to Merriam-Webster: 1.) an unborn or recently born person 2a.) a young person especially between infancy and youth 2b.) a childlike or childish person 3.) a son or daughter of human parents
So, according to the dictionary, your definition of 'child' is 4th place. And here you tried to argue "common language" like it was somehow helping your cause. It didn't.
> In some contexts I may describe my parents as "my elderly parents", but only if the age context is relevant.
So age context DOES matter huh? Just when you want it to? Not all the time? Just when you decide it does?
> So you'd introduce every time, as your (infant|toddler|young child|tween|teenager|adult|senior|elderly) child? Because that seems odd.
If age context is relevant, yes. Every time, no, I never said that. Stop misquoting me, and stop making assumptions. You're being an ass. Also, no it isn't odd, those words exist for a reason. I find it quite odd you find it... odd.
> You introduced your children into the discussion using the bare noun "kids" rather than a more specific noun phrase like "young kids" or "teenage kids."
Age wasn't germane to the post you dug up. The part where you got so worked up you had to look into my post history is quite telling, as an aside. I have not, nor do I have, any interest, in reading your post history. This was where you tipped your hand completely and I realized I was dealing with someone who can't handle being wrong. Like, this is a big deal to you and I kind of feel sorry for you.
> This choice demonstrates common linguistic practice, we typically only mention the age range of relatives when it's directly relevant to the topic at hand. Your language use here is a nice example of this principle in action, effectively supporting my argument.
Nope, not at all supporting your "argument" if that is what you call it. It doesn't even make sense. This all started because you claimed that there are either adults or children, nothing else. You've completely reversed your argument and are now claiming some kind of victory. How very bizarre.
> EDIT: I also see it's not the first time you've, according to your definition, been arrogant enough to not provide the age range of your children: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=41213069
When it is germane to the topic at hand I will mention the age of my offspring.
>Your response perfectly illustrates a common behaviour: the inability to admit when one is wrong. Rather than engaging with the linguistic analysis I presented, you've retreated to personal attacks and dismissive language. This is a textbook reaction of someone who realises their argument doesn't hold water but lacks the integrity to acknowledge it.
Stop projecting. You're on tilt at this point.
> I provided a thoughtful, on-topic discussion. Your choice to sidestep it entirely speaks volumes. It strongly suggests you recognise the validity of my points...
You've contradicted yourself. Initially, you implied that not specifying age was 'arrogant'. Now you state, 'When it is germane to the topic at hand I will mention the age of my offspring.' This aligns precisely with my original argument.
Your mischaracterisation of my position as 'there are either adults or children, nothing else' is a straw man argument. I never made such a claim. My stance has always been about the contextual use of age descriptors.
Regarding the post history: I noticed your comment on the same page, which aligned with our discussion. It wasn't 'trawling', but a relevant observation.
Your verbose response, filled with personal attacks and misrepresentations, doesn't change the fact that you've effectively conceded my point: age descriptors are used when contextually relevant. This was my argument from the start, which you initially contested but now seem to agree with.
If you'd like to have a genuine discussion about linguistic practices, I'm open to it. But that would require acknowledging the actual points being made, rather than constructing elaborate misinterpretations.
Also, I'm over 40, and I can say that at 19 I thought I was god/king/etc. and looking bad I am thinking that "damn I was soooOOOOOooo stupid!!". So yeah, at 19 kids are still morons. They may get some things right, but hey, there is a reason that many of us feel that we are (still) learning and (still) have a lot to learn about life at our 40s, 50s, 60s.
I don't think I ever recovered from that (now 40+). Once the damage has been done that's it for the whole life, however hard one tries, because you can't work hard for unknown objectives.
Right now I have everything clicked, family, good work, etc. But there is always a hole.
OP should aggressively pull back their support. Kick him out of home and let him feed himself. He will have to work and spend less on games. That's the only way to heal.
I've been through my Diablo2, then MUD, then WoW addictions and I know the story from the inside. A j-o-b is the path forward.
Also, as Dave Ramsey frequently says, "don't give a drunk a drink", so.. do the thing that hurts-but-helps and cut him/her off (but do stay close and vigilant).
Also.. talk to some specialists/therapists with experience, they may also have some helpful (clinical/hands-on tips).
One big difference though is that I come from a family of abuse and they scared the living hell out of me by showcasing all the addicts in our family and their educational obtainment. So for me, school was a flight to safety, despite being game addicted as well. At the time, game addiction wasn't a well understood thing. I barely scraped by in high school, but I got into university.
University felt much more like a game to me anyway, so I decided to gamify it and make a whole game out of it. Then studying at university became my addiction.
Oh, and I was still living at home all this time.
You should definitely talk to a psychologist if you can't convince him yourself.
The Epicureans taught that pleasure should be sustainable. He won't be able to sustain his gaming if he keeps neglecting his education. So this argument might reach him. Good luck.
No matter what they will push back to maintain the addiction with much greater force and energy than you have to challenge them to improve. There is nothing you can say to them that will set them straight, because every attempt to softly compromise is an opportunity for them to either passively ignore you or actively resist you. That is the irrational nature of addiction.
If this was easily solved you would have solved it already. As a result there is nothing you can do to compromise towards a balanced solution, so you have to cut them off from the source of addiction.
How best to handle this depends on the individuals involved. Some people go through a phase where they need to figure this stuff out for themselves; it's just part of their growing up. Others could use a push. Still others benefit from harsh discipline.
Because your child is 19 and no longer a minor, I would say you have passed the stage of harsh discipline. So some combination of pushing and patience are called for. How exactly you go about this is complicated but I would try pushing a bit and see where things go. Have some hard conversations about school, the internship, how your kid is feeling. They'll probably be unwilling to open up but keep at it, at least a little bit. Consider getting a professional involved if your child is unwilling to talk to you but willing to talk to a shrink. If there's absolutely no openness, don't push too hard.
Finally, remember that it's okay to be figuring this stuff out at 19. Bad grades aren't the end of the world and people who waste their time in college (I did) can still become happy adults with good jobs. People grow up at different rates.
Some people (including myself) have a tendency to retreat into games when feeling overwhelmed or when it seems like life is being consumed by responsibilities. In my case the game tends to be WoW, owing to the era in which I was a young adult. As I’ve aged I’ve been able to curb this tendency pretty well, but that can be tough to do before one’s ability to self-regulate has developed.
It might be worth trying to understand where the 19 year old is sitting in this regard. There may be a deeper reason why they’re being pulled into that Roblox tower defense game that needs addressing. Are they happy with where they’re at and what they’re doing? Do they feel like they still have enough time to themselves after taking care of their responsibilities? These are the sorts of questions I’d ask.
Of course it’s also possible that there’s no issues here at all, I obviously don’t know their situation, but it’s something to consider.
https://invisibleup.com/articles/27/
https://gekk.info/articles/adhd.html
https://twitter.com/ErynnBrook/status/1011311249513070594
I am autistic and have ADHD myself so I know a bit about it. If you suspect something it may be worth bringing it up with your kid to see if they care. If they're anything like me they'll care, but if they don't care the situation gets a lot more complicated.
In other words: there's a difference between genuinely wanting to get good grades and not being able to, and blowing it off because you only want to do the bare minimum. I fell into the former bracket. Solutions vary between them.
"Not being able to" doesn't mean not being capable of doing it. It usually means being fully capable of doing it but being unable to actually get your brain to do it because it wants to do something else more. This is a thing and it's called ADHD. It's usually easy to tell when someone has it because they can be incredibly gifted and then barely manage to use that gift (resulting in everyone calling them lazy).
This (and your comment) is exactly spot on. I had this big time and nobody understood me (and I didn't know that it was a disorder, so I just felt like I was useless). When something doesn't interest me, I'm perfectly capable of physically doing the task, but my brain absolutely refuses to focus on the task for more than one second. It led to me just wasting days on end on trying to study, but getting nowhere, while everyone else just saw me play games, or do random tasks, or anything other than studying, and kept trying to "help" with useless "just sit down and do it" advice.
If this is what your kid has, go to a specialist and try to find something that will focus him. For me, that was working in groups. I always had a really tough time at work because I wasn't productive at all when things weren't interesting, but working with someone in a meeting (usually staying silent, just knowing that the other person was there and also doing work) somehow focused me enough on the task at hand and made me productive.
ADHD is a very real thing, and people who are otherwise perfectly capable of performing a task are just entirely unable to. It has really bad results if you don't get help, and even worse if you don't understand that that's what it is.
As a parent it's important to provide structure, but not excessive pressure which can become debilitating. They're most likely depressed, and I would recommend talking to them about how they're feeling about their life and where they see themselves fitting into rather than trying to force any kind of behavior changes. Ultimately your kid will have to create their own incentive structures that exist outside of their parent's.