Ask HN: Former gifted children with hard lives, how did you turn out?

I don’t have anything fashionable like ADHD or Autism or Dyslexia but I do have something you’ve never heard of

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizotypy

Which doesn’t have an autism-industrial complex or addictive pill mill complex behind it which is why you’ve never heard of it.

I got numerous psych evals that always missed it, the first was before STPD (highly flawed, missing at least 1/3 of the phenomenon including the one that looks like ‘ADHD’) was added to the DSM. Maxxed all sub scales in the Weschler IQ test except for problem solving where I was just one SD over the mean (my brain shorting out caused that). I’m terrible at chess but got really good at math in college despite never being able to score better than 90% on a math quiz in high school. (got a PhD in theoretical physics). My verbal intelligence is too high to measure because I’ve maxxed every test I’ve tried. As a kid I would go to the YMCA every Saturday for gym and swim and then check out 10 books from the public library and more or less I do that today.

I’m an arch reductionist and don’t believe in any of it but I am great with crystal balls, dowsing rods and ouija boards. Knowing what I know now I should have been an onmyoji. Somehow I can’t form a ‘whole’ the way other people though but I can hold two contradictory systems inside myself simultaneously. I can be a bridge between two groups for a while but eventually it goes bad.

Got bullied as a kid, graduated from elementary school the same way Ender Wiggin did. No complaints about parents but they were working class and had no idea how to help me in professional life, couldn’t afford to get me more than one year in a private school. (Where the bullying stopped) Got a lot of great opportunities, blew many of them.

Been with the same woman for 30 years, had a child, had steady work except for the times I didn’t. My rank in terms of ‘living in a beautiful place’ is probably better than my karma rank on HN. My wealth is probably better than the median for my cohort but I haven’t ’made it big’.

I still do strange off putting things that drive some people away (always failed at trying to have an affair); I understand a lot know about the how and why but it is very hard to stop. When my condition is inflamed I have paranoid ideation towards physical objects (I was waving my arms around but it sure seemed I was attacked by the potted plant I knocked down) or family (why the hell is my wife standing where my pills are and why did she move right to the sink after I got them?)

There is very little clinical data on my condition, I’m a bit afraid I’ll get really mean and psychotic if I develop dementia.

I am sure some of you who think you have ADHD and/or autism have it too.

I scored 3.

Took me a while to actually try hard things, because I was afraid of failure.

It wasn't until my mid thirties I started really pushing myself, embracing the fact that failure was a part of life, and changing my trajectory in a dramatic way.

~7 years later, I've got a nice house (2M), 1M in the bank, 2 kids, loving wife, and a handful of close friends I see often.

It was a tough road getting here, but life is good.

I scored 6, I turned my life "around" in some sense and pursued software engineering at 22 years old, after just neglecting my own wellbeing for at the time feeling like ages. Now at 28 I'm a senior engineer in a international corporation, it's not a tech company, but still something that i can feel good about. relationships and hobbies are good, but the pressure from performing on all fronts is some times so much that i fall into dysfunction and despair. but i feel like im building better coping mechanisms all the time when paying attention

I never heard of the ACE score, I just took a quiz and I would score a 6. I am a failure since high school, never went to college and had a period of 12 years of scraping the bottom of the barrel but I got a tech support job through a friend after not touching a computer for 15 years and then retaught myself programming after not doing any since middle school. managed to leverage that into a job at a quant trading firm by luck. I am still a failure but I have used my ability to learn and absorb information to build a stable life. success is always just beyond arms reach but luckily success doesnt matter I am just happy to be alive able to keep learning and making things. and now I have LLMs to help me

I got 5, was annoyed it only asked about mothers being hit, when it was my mother doing the hitting, learned how to take a punch from her... ...but anyway, turned out alright I think.

I mean, one rather disastrous marriage, but I've got full custody of my amazing kids.

And yeah, I'm the same, don't feel accomplished but reality is I'm doing financially better than most people in my country.

I am currently working on undoing a lifetime of negativity towards myself, left home at 15, never graduated from high school, never got a degree, but have managed to take some computer science papers via correspondence. (Diagnosed with ADHD at 40, but obviously had it as a kid, my mother preferred a pseudo-science approach, which didn't work)

How smart are you really if you're going to let society's idea of "gifted" hang over you?

A lot of comments and yours are heavily focusing on materialistic and financial status. While money or access to it is important to feel safe, it is not all there is to measure and compare.

What about friends and family? Partners? Children? Activities? Hobbies?

I scored a 2 it I noticed a lot of the questions focused on physical and alcoholic/drug abuse. I grew up in a culture/religion where none of these things existed but my I would classify my family and up bringing as dysfunctional and emotionally neglected.

Financially, I don't own a house nor can I afford one where I live. My job is secure and pays plenty to live comfortably renting. I don't think I will be able to retire in my country due to the cost of living.

I have no hobbies and very little friends. None Id call good friends. I have a partner and a dog.

Overall I'm happy with my life.

I took the quiz, but am going to decline to give a score or other info. Maybe consider me to be qualified to comment, however.

I understand "unsafe', albeit this is a little vague. But I get it. Given that, I surmise that your core resultant issue is unyielding anxiety. That's rough, and arguably the roughest.

What you are likely missing is truly competent support. Which would be either a smart family member, a rare engaged friend, or a rare professional. That's what most Autistic 1 people will be missing: a talented mediator between them and the world. Double plus so if the patient has trauma (ie: ACE 6).

If you are lacking true support, you are lucky that you aren't underemployed or even homeless. In that, you are quite accomplished. Keep in mind that many or even most other people in your divergent position aren't so. Good on you.

In my opinion, everyone with Autism 1 should be considered to be at risk for homelessness and provided with engaged support by one institution or another (under insurance). And that there should be specialists trained to socially assist those with Autism 1. Not with social training, but with workplace and associated mediation. And then with expert career guidance as a distant second. Logically in my opinion, a next step for screening the homeless and drug addicts, after they get clean, should be for autism.

Relentlessly seek that support, even if you have to pay for it, in order to help to continue to assure your good status. It may take awhile to find, but the search doesn't start until it does.

I'm a little bit curious about comorbid autism and ADHD. I'd make a mid-confidence wager that you are referring to ADHD-PI. On a personal note, I think that ADHD-PI is usually if not always a symptom of Autism 1. In other words, it is a spectrum symptom. But if the meds help, then they do.

Got a 3, product of the gifted ed system, with a few other challenges that aren’t counted in ACE, plus a healthy dash of what could be called self-sabotage as I began to make my adult way.

Now, decades later, I’m doing fine, better than fine actually, but relative my fears I am doing unbelievably fantastically. Of course, relative to the sense of limitless potential that the gifted ed system tends to implant, I should have invented cold fusion by now.

I long ago decided that the past was interesting but a terrible place to live. I consciously try hard to look forward and think about what I can do and not about what could have been or what other shadows might be lurking. That’s not advice, it’s just what I’ve done.

My score was an 8. Depression of course. All the usual problems.Thought I was unhappy because no one loved me. Turned out to be the opposite. Found my own key to a joyful life at 31. Had my first child. Cared for someone else more than myself. Cut off all contact with my family 13 years ago, except my kids. Second best decision I ever made. Best was choosing to raise my girl on my own. You cant fix toxic people, but you can leave them. Later I met a woman who can tolerate me. She prefers to work, is very happy she met a man who would rather hang out with our kids than work. I read "The Happiness Equation in my late 40's, had already stumbled into my own life solutions, but that book really helped explain WHY I felt my life had improved so much. You can get to a mental place you feel safe. You only get so many trips around the sun, take them with a smile, never waste a moment comparing yourself to anyone else. Best of luck.

Beaten, neglected, molested, unsafe, etc. Many family & friends died from drugs, disease, poor life choices. Read books on success & business. Moved out at 16. Taught myself programming and business. Married a hot smart fellow nerd. Got good jobs, bought a business and monetized it. Had fantastic kids. Grateful every day to not be where I woke up. Retired to a farm recently.

ACE score of 0. Based on the questions, I had a gifted upbringing. I need to do more with my life considering.

ACE = 4 here, 30 years old for reference. Pretty satisfied!

My net worth is currently less than a tenth of yours, however, because to get here I took the drastic step of moving to Europe and going no contact with my immediate family for a couple of years.

I chose to focus on getting married and starting a wonderful family first, with the woman of my dreams there, before I started really stepping on the career gas pedal, and I think that was absolutely the right choice for me at the time.

[dead]

Scored a 6 or a 7, depending on the answer to one question that I'm not sure of. I think more likely 7 than 6.

This pretty obviously impacted my happiness when I lived with an abusive parent and I have some physical issues that could possibly be related to starving so much as a kid and some others that fall out of not getting basic dental care, but I don't think it's obvious that my background is a dominant factor in how happy or satisfied I am. I find it plausible that my resilience in certain situations is lower than it otherwise would be due to my background, but it's not clear that it's even lower than average in those situations. And, overall, I was probably happier and more satisfied with my life than most people starting a couple years after moving out on my own until a few years ago.

Maybe the version of me that wasn't abused so much as a kid would've been even happier or maybe that version would still have above average life satisfaction today, but maybe not.

I got a 6.

My university scholarships were based on a few factors including my area code / postal code being considered as “deprived” meaning high crime, low income and low education attainment.

I personally don’t have any issues (I don’t think).

I think you have to grow up a bit. There's more to life than the rat race, and if you score high, you should be participating in the direction of life. Not just follow the crumbs laid down by others. Or chose their side.

You're not a rat, and it helps other people if you don't act like one scared little mouse. Especially if you got decent brains. It's hurts them morally when they have to compete with you when they should have an ally.

Yeah, there is so much pressure to just stop living (and follow the crumbs), and there's no way to achieve anything of worth outside of it. No friends for example, supposedly. As we all are trapped, and we do it to ourselves, self apply the Matrix and tragically be the enemy of our loving destiny.

Those who realize they are trapped have traditionally, and wisely, kneeled to Christ, and have typically been rewarded with a new life. Amen. But if you have decent brains you might also compassionately reason a way out, or identify those that have done so, and join their quest.

Stop living your life as if it's just you. It's not. The rat race lies about you. And the collective lies about you. Grow a spine. These are the facts of life. And as Christianity fades they get pushed into our faces. We have to deal with a self serving collective, that makes us into enemies. Especially us in the software realm mindlessly masturbate to our own bank accounts, while we know better, and that political future needs us. Instead we mindlessly empower ever bigger titans. Karma will come round.

Yes this alternative future needs a business model, to take care of the individuals that are currently starved out of resistance, including by you, and out of their potential to be the good they know they can be.

While there is no business, you still have an excuse. But once it exists, in it you'll be working to empower the ones on your side, fully and completely sharing your life. Our beautiful but deficient society demands it is so extreme, for it itself is a tangent.

Therefore the king shall work his way up, and be compassionate. And as he rises the powers that be will see an enemy, and will fight with fud. And all what their profits can buy. But they will also see a prophecy taking aim at them. The angels in high heaven, and their master, which surely do not exist, right?

Do what is right and the future will come to you.

I have an ACE score of 6. I vastly benefit from trauma therapy: EMDR, IoPT (constellations), hypnotherapy, somatic experiencing, nonviolent communication. It helped me get out of most of my previous addictions, and I do not need to take any medication. I consider myself to be quite happy, and was able to build secure attachments and bonds.

ACE score of 6.

I'm in my mid twenties. Got a decent SWE job, net worth around 0$ but I just got rid of most of my debts which is nice.

Extremely anxious all the time and depressed, still traumatized by a lot of stuff, zero social life at the moment, never managed to maintain any long term relationships(both in terms of friends and partners), not great physical health but it's getting better.

I'm not completely unsatisfied with my life, given the circumstances it was much more likely to be a lot worse. But it definitely could be a lot better.

   All happy families are alike;
   each unhappy family is unhappy 
   in its own way.

The ACE test is convenient and that makes it useful. It validates people’s experiences and that makes it a good thing.

I have a pretty clear idea of how and why my childhood was the way it was. I could stretch and analog my lived experiences to fit the questions.

Gifted has been bullshit in the water where I swim for a long time. Invisible. Dissolved. Gifted was a reason to be othered. Formally. Informally. By institutions, neighbors, family.

The ACE questions were useful to me this morning. As a starting point. I’d forgotten how being labeled gifted actually felt. Worse things have happened to other people. I am not competing. Good luck.

7

I’d say the biggest struggle hasn’t been financial independence, overcoming a rough childhood, or getting out of rural hell - it’s been dating. That was set in stone by my genetics being such trash. I’m 34 and only ever had one partner who would only stay with me on the condition that I paid for everything and would receive no emotional support.

By most measures, I am far more successful than most people you’d meet but I consider myself one of the least successful people because all I’ve ever wanted is for someone to love me and to build a loving family. Life is cruel.

I don’t think my history is important but I grew up in a home of 5 children (I’m the oldest), single (divorced) mother with far under the poverty line for a single person income.

I don’t know this test is very good, but my score was 7

My situation was not great, but I had many neighbors and friends in school with far worse situations.

I think, and have come to believe that, a difficult upbringing has many benefits in later life .

1. You know right from wrong, you’ve seen wrong 2. Empathy comes easier to you 3. You know exactly what you don’t want your life to look like 4. You value opportunity 5. You aren’t scared of people who have less wealth than you - further, you can figure out, quickly, who is poor but ambitious to improve their life, or poor and doesn’t care about anything. 6. Drugs are pure EVIL

All of my siblings have excellent careers now and excellent family lives, we all have wonderful spouses and there are 17 grandchildren with 1 more on the way!

I had over 1 million in net worth at 35. This continues to improve but doesn’t matter to me anymore, that was my milestone.

I don’t do scams, I don’t rip people off, I don’t do work or take money to help others accomplish dishonest goals. I am comfortable working alone or in groups. In groups took a lot of work.

Please, believe in the power of positive thinking. This was key for me.

Thanks to all for sharing their experiences. To me, this thread has been like sharing battle scars. I am not trying to make light of people who have actual battle scars, my respect to them too.

ACE is 7. Done more in the social realm and have a lot of friends and close relationships. Prioritized life stability in work over my 20s and early 30s to decent but not overwhelming success by self-teaching coding, but all of it started to unravel and I had to take years off from work to work on trauma, which really decimated my savings, but gave me a new lease on life and I feel like a lot of my traumas are processed now and I can live a real life. I spent most of my 20s remembering maybe a dozen total events from before I was in high school.

I’m currently looking to come back to work after 3 years off which is feeling extremely difficult. Places I apply obviously don’t want to know what I’ve been through, and so I have to fight the assumption that I didn’t have a job because of competence. Nearly went on long term disability but found it so onerous and restrictive I’d have rather died.

Just want to work again at this point so I can have a hope of not retiring poor - I never once expected to live this long.