I may be beyond redemption
It seems like I cannot improve or get better at all, I have been stuck literally doing nothing for a decade, like literally, I am not even kidding.
My parents are great people, great is an understatement, I had a great upbringing, hard work and academics was always emphasized. I didn't do shit though, just daydreamed about it.
I have been interested in tech for a looong time but I would just read about it, daydream about using it for awesome purposes, maybe try to learn it a bit and it would seem too hard and I would think, "eh I will start tomorrow" and go consume something that provided instant gratification. Years literally passed, and that never happened. I got through middle and high school because my parents literally dragged me through it, got a degree from a degree mill, again because of my parents all this while daydreaming and deep in delusions about how I was gonna learn a lot and get a great tech job while only attempting to learn for a little bit before going back to wasting time.
No matter how high the stakes are, I don't do shit, my head is messed up. That's not even the worst part, the worst part is my parents who are objectively good people got mega fucked wasting time and money on me, all for this cowardly excuse of flesh, blood and betrayal. I once used to believe in god of an organized religion but no such entity obviously exists, otherwise I would have thrown myself off a mountain hoping my parents were rewarded in the afterlife at least.
I never dreamed or intended for myself to end this way, and my parents did warn me about turning out exactly as this kind of person. Honestly, I am not even a person, something much lesser and vile.
Along with the legendary procrastination, I have always had this resistance and fatigue to doing "stuff", both cognitive tasks and otherwise. I have never been able to conquer it, no matter what routines or schedules or discipline I tried, I ended up failing.
I wish I had terminated myself a long time ago, or just never existed. If someone secretly holds a time machine, can you please lend it to me? I wanna go back and erase any means that would ever lead to my existence, please.
There is no hope for me making money, even less so, wealth. This constant laziness, zero sense of conscientiousness, shamelessness is not going away and you may think because I "realized" it now, I can do bettter. I have had this "realization" many times but it ends up going nowhere and I default to the shithead person I am.
What do I do? I need a lot of money so I can pay back my parents who have been with me through all this, patiently. Is there something I can do that can net me some millions, no matter how degrading? I have already shown I have no capacity to learn or do any knowledge work or anything necessary to make decent money, much less millions. AI means I am too late to get into tech either way.
Again, if anyone has access to a time machine that can erase my existence or something I can do to make millions I would appreciate if you would let me know because I am utterly devoid of change or redemption. Please, anyone
EDIT: I know this is insane and dumb, but who knows what can happen? It may catch the eye of some billionaire who wants to do something society considers "unconventional" or whatever. I don't mind, I just need money.
9 comments
[ 2.1 ms ] story [ 26.1 ms ] threadYou obviously have ADHD, go and get on stims, it will likely help you. Or there may be some other issue. Or you may indeed be this way forever. Just go and try to change something in the brain for once.
Stop coping unless you want to cope until the end.
Seriously, just buy a bag of seed, go find some pigeons, and feed them.
Now, watch them, carefully… see how hard they work, every day, even when they’re hobbling around on grotesque stumps where their feet used to be before they got wrapped up in our discarded waste.
Notice how something can put so much effort into just surviving, against all the odds, and against the abuse and mistreatment and just casual negligent brutality inflicted upon them by your species. See how they aren’t focused on money or jobs or learning or prestige, just on being now and being for a bit longer.
See how they’ll eventually trust you enough to approach or land on your hand to feed. How, if you do this day after day, they’ll recognize you and wait for you.
The only living thing that won’t, eventually, react to a modicum of gentleness and kindness with trust is a human.
You’re not on this planet to earn money. You’re not here to work. You’re certainly not here to build edifices of ephemeral noise. You’re here to be, while you can.
Pay your parents back on their real investment, by dedicating your time to them. Be there to care for them as they age. Give them a bit of gentleness and kindness… they need that much more than they need the fiction that is money.
When they’re done, then check out if you want to. I’ve been suicidal for as long as I can remember, I’m faking it until there’s no one else to care for. That’s enough.
No one is beyond redemption, if only because there’s no such thing as redemption in the first place.
When I was in a similar rut/loop the best thing that happened to me was when I finally stopped trying to keep up appearances, got honest and asked for help.
It was embarrassing to finally humble myself to ask for help, luckily embarrassment isn’t life threatening, just really uncomfortable for a minute.
The people in my life wanted to help me more than they wanted repayment. They helped in finding a gp the gp helped find a psychologist and then they all helped find a psychiatrist.
Everything else is noise. That said, finding that answer that lies within might take a day or a decade or never (my case - between decade and never!)
Be well. Be kind to yourself meanwhile.