Great insights. In US people do ask one another "how are you?", perhaps in a shallow way - but I think it's still an opener that can lead to more meaningful conversation.
In Poland for instance, where I'm from, people don't ask "how are you?" one another - which slightly limits that opportunity.
At the same time Europe as a whole has so much better work life balance which allows for many more outside work friends and family connections and spending time together.
I worked in Germany for a while, and it was always hilarious when an American would ask a local "how are you?" then proceed to be bombarded about how they're having a headache or how their baby puked all over them yesterday. It's a question that's used almost as a "hello" in the US.
> In US people do ask one another "how are you?", perhaps in a shallow way
My understanding is that it is not even a question, the question mark at the end is just decoration. Even the shallow answer is not necessary, responding with something like, "Hi, good to see you" would be perfectly valid.
It’s all relative. You can share something slightly personal or controversial and see where it lands in the other person’s comfort zone. Then it’s up to you to decide what to do with that info.
"It means mutual empathy — they get you and you get them. It's discovering similar values, experiences and perspectives. It's a feeling of trust and comfort where you both feel safe to say what is truly on your mind."
Ah, sounds all fine and dandy!
But what do you do when you discover you don't have similar values?
Maybe there's no answer in todays polarized world; personally aspire to this:
I don't like that man. I must get to know him better.
— Abraham Lincoln
Maybe you don't need to connect with everyone? If someone has a few different opinions to me, that's fine, I'm sure there's plenty of other things we agree on. Maybe we can find common ground and connect over that. If someone has fundamentally incompatible values to mine about things that I consider important, then I probably consider them a bad person. Like, I don't know how else to define "bad person". Definitely not someone I want to connect with.
> A good place to start was to figure out what makes me happy. So, I wrote down the best experiences of my life so far. I came up with 20. 19 of them were experiences where I connected with people.
You are assuming you know what best experience you can experience by looking at the past. But this is not necessarily correct. Don't assume you know the answer. Try new things. Some of the best experiences come from within. Boy you would be surprised:)
To connect two USB-C cables together, you'll need a USB-C coupler, also known as an adapter or extender. This allows you to plug one USB-C cable into each end of the coupler, effectively joining them to create a longer cable.
Empathy plays a crucial role in strengthening human connections, which unfortunately I believe has been eroded strongly by social media and a rise in individualism. The combination of anonymity, and the modern day psychological wiring towards instant gratification, makes online cruelty largely rewarding unfortunately.
> People hate small talk because it avoids [vulnerability]. The purpose of social conversation is to connect but talking about the weather or the latest sportz ball result reveals sh!t.
I’m a defender of small talk. It’s the MVP of connection; you are at least talking to another person, mutual acknowledgement. It’s where relationships begin. It’s where you and the other can safely feel out the space of shared values and what’s top of mind: sports? Work? Family?
Oversharing is perhaps defined as sharing too much too soon, when you should still be doing small talk.
Sometimes people say they hate small talk but complain of the difficulty of making friends. Start by learning how to have light conversations. Keep talking. Depth comes naturally with time.
I think hating small talk and avoiding it is a perfectly fine selection filter. If someone takes a long time to warm up and talk about deeper stuff, that's totally valid, but it's probably a sign of there being a mismatch in either vulnerability, actual available depth of conversation, or general conversation patterns. This mismatch means that yes, I could put in a lot of effort to get this person comfortable, but then you're accommodating someone else's priorities over your own, and I don't really want to do that with strangers. I'll go make friends with someone that is going to better match me.
I do not think smalltalk has much to do with vulnerability, personally. Smalltalk is boring and useless. It is a waste of time, IMO, just because people find silence awkward.
Among the problems of small talk: (a) It's a crutch that just plain avoids the need for connection. (b) It lets you acknowledge someone - but so do more constructive acts such as simply noticing the person near you and being considerate to them, or even smiling. In particular so many people will have small talk with one person while not even noticing the others. (c) Small talk fills up time - aka wastes - to the detriment of other topics. (d) Do people really learn connection by starting with small talk? Perhaps a few.
After that, the question exists of what topics you can tackle - that are not small talk. That can be tough. But usually you do have something in common with the other, already. Recognizing what it is can be tricky. Certainly teaching the various ways you can interact with others would be nice to have in school.
"People" don't hate small talk. SOME people hate small talk. But small talk is a gateway to connection. It is not to be avoided, but to be embraced-- if connection is what you want.
And the people the writer speaks of don't "hate" small talk, mostly. They are uncomfortable with it. This is not the same as hate.
I suspect some of the people who are uncomfortable with small talk are that way because they don't want to delay talking about big things. Others are uncomfortable because they don't WANT it to lead to big things. Others think it IS a big thing and are afraid to do it wrong. And finally others falsely believe that small talk means telling lies.
I like to talk about big things, but I don't mind starting with little things.
If you want to explore connecting with people I can highly recommend social dancing.
>People hate small talk because it avoids this
I don't believe that. You can connect with someone before you've exchanged names, and you can fail to connect with someone you've shared your life's story with. This is the same mistake autists at my dance school make (including myself). They believe connection demands a rational exchange of valuable information. In dance that would be the technical complexity of whatever you're leading and the grace and mastery you lead it with. In language it would be sharing hopes and fears.
Small talk robs you of all that. It's a true measure of someone's ability to connect.
as an introvert who is uncomfortable to expose themselves to much i prefer more formal dancing, that is, where the rules of how to move are predefined and you are all learning those exact moves without having to be creative in any form. (once you learned a couple of traditional dance moves you can take them to somewhere where more creativity is asked for)
What i want to know more about is "clicking" with people. I traversed social isolation and anxiety in my youth to get pretty decent at small talk and for a while that was all there was it seemed. Then as the environments changed i found i was able to more fully connect and establish friendships with people.
But whats always stood out to me is the people I ended up persisting with, how quickly that small talk phase passed, sometimes it seems like within the first encounter. My most recent developing friendship i distinctly remember it was within the first few words, both my wife and I just knew oh this person fits. I always expect and still believe getting to know someone better can lead to shared understandings, better conversations, friendships. But at the same time, my anectdotal experience has been the people that worked out and persisted, it was obvious within five minutes or less (ie that initial gut feeling never changed).
I guess the social cues or mannerisms or something like that which is perhaps hard to consciously describe but to an expert would be likely obvious, that perhaps reveals far more about you than your words can impart. Im sure its not that complicated but also think if you are forcing the small talk and really struggling to connect, dont be afraid to branch out and look for those clicks.
I loved the book "How to know a person - The art of seeing others deeply and being deeply seen, David Brooks, 2023". I found truly interesting ways to look at the problem. By a professional of getting people to connect. Including issues such as how we see ourselves or how we see the world is not how it is (which applies to the person in front of us). Also a great discussion of culture vs individual. And plenty of tips for everyday usage. A useful piece of work.
23 comments
[ 2.2 ms ] story [ 46.2 ms ] threadMy understanding is that it is not even a question, the question mark at the end is just decoration. Even the shallow answer is not necessary, responding with something like, "Hi, good to see you" would be perfectly valid.
Ah, sounds all fine and dandy!
But what do you do when you discover you don't have similar values?
Maybe there's no answer in todays polarized world; personally aspire to this:
You are assuming you know what best experience you can experience by looking at the past. But this is not necessarily correct. Don't assume you know the answer. Try new things. Some of the best experiences come from within. Boy you would be surprised:)
I’m a defender of small talk. It’s the MVP of connection; you are at least talking to another person, mutual acknowledgement. It’s where relationships begin. It’s where you and the other can safely feel out the space of shared values and what’s top of mind: sports? Work? Family?
Oversharing is perhaps defined as sharing too much too soon, when you should still be doing small talk.
Sometimes people say they hate small talk but complain of the difficulty of making friends. Start by learning how to have light conversations. Keep talking. Depth comes naturally with time.
After that, the question exists of what topics you can tackle - that are not small talk. That can be tough. But usually you do have something in common with the other, already. Recognizing what it is can be tricky. Certainly teaching the various ways you can interact with others would be nice to have in school.
And the people the writer speaks of don't "hate" small talk, mostly. They are uncomfortable with it. This is not the same as hate.
I suspect some of the people who are uncomfortable with small talk are that way because they don't want to delay talking about big things. Others are uncomfortable because they don't WANT it to lead to big things. Others think it IS a big thing and are afraid to do it wrong. And finally others falsely believe that small talk means telling lies.
I like to talk about big things, but I don't mind starting with little things.
>People hate small talk because it avoids this
I don't believe that. You can connect with someone before you've exchanged names, and you can fail to connect with someone you've shared your life's story with. This is the same mistake autists at my dance school make (including myself). They believe connection demands a rational exchange of valuable information. In dance that would be the technical complexity of whatever you're leading and the grace and mastery you lead it with. In language it would be sharing hopes and fears.
Small talk robs you of all that. It's a true measure of someone's ability to connect.
as an introvert who is uncomfortable to expose themselves to much i prefer more formal dancing, that is, where the rules of how to move are predefined and you are all learning those exact moves without having to be creative in any form. (once you learned a couple of traditional dance moves you can take them to somewhere where more creativity is asked for)
But whats always stood out to me is the people I ended up persisting with, how quickly that small talk phase passed, sometimes it seems like within the first encounter. My most recent developing friendship i distinctly remember it was within the first few words, both my wife and I just knew oh this person fits. I always expect and still believe getting to know someone better can lead to shared understandings, better conversations, friendships. But at the same time, my anectdotal experience has been the people that worked out and persisted, it was obvious within five minutes or less (ie that initial gut feeling never changed).
I guess the social cues or mannerisms or something like that which is perhaps hard to consciously describe but to an expert would be likely obvious, that perhaps reveals far more about you than your words can impart. Im sure its not that complicated but also think if you are forcing the small talk and really struggling to connect, dont be afraid to branch out and look for those clicks.