> "But eventually, we broke away—you, to join the funny kids, a group of hilarious and friendly people who could match your unparalleled wit and high-octane energy...
That is not how people actually talk in real life.
> ...and me, to join the kids at the back of the bus, literally and figuratively.
People really do not make other people the main character like this. "My crew were shy introverts who were hilarious once we got going" is how people describe themselves: more description, adjectives and familiarity. "You were doing your own thing with the party crowd" is how people describe others: vague and sparse in descriptive detail.
Amazingly, even though this is perfect fodder for a self-absorbed attention-seeking post, it's actually quite good, focusing on the different perspectives people in a relationship have as contact fades
In Summary – What Was Learned
• Friendship loss in adulthood is common and often tied to life transitions.
• Direct communication with an ex-friend can be enlightening, even if the relationship doesn’t restart.
• Personal growth often comes from understanding your role in the ending—not assigning blame or regret, but acknowledging patterns.
• Reconnection does not guarantee reunion, and in many cases, the value lies in what you learn about yourself, not whether the relationship is revived.
> Matt said a lot of wonderful things about me and our friendship during our conversation, but one thing meant the most. “In my mid 20s, I was really selfish,” he said. “But I’m currently at a point where I don’t really care about things for myself. Now that I’m almost 30, my loved ones and my friendship are all that really matter.”
Not to discount anyone else's story, but Matt's is probably the most prevalent. It's a shame we spend 18ish years making friends, then in our 20's more or less have to make a mad dash to establish a place to live, a career, a partner, etc. Everyone loses touch "temporarily" in what goes by like a blur, and by your 30's you still remember everyone, but it feels weird to reach out because of how long it's been.
> then in our 20's more or less have to make a mad dash to establish a place to live, a career, a partner, etc.
Life is full of surprises and doesn't always work out the way you thought it would, but who isn't at least trying to resolve those things long before their 20s? The "mad dash" may be someone's ultimate fate, but being the norm seems a bit off.
Advice from someone in their 30s who has successfully kept the majority of their closest friends from high school and college (around 10 people) but also lost several key people over the years:
- Keep a semi-regular communication channel. For me this is easy, it isn't a chore for me to just text people. I know some people find this harder. If I see something I think they would find funny, I send them a link. If I start wondering about something I know they're knowledgeable about, I send them a question. If we have a shared hobby, I talk to them about it. Texting someone even just every other month can be the difference between keeping a friendship alive and letting it rust.
- Make sure to care about them and where they're at. Keep track and a week later ask "how did that interview go?" (for example.) Ask about their lives and sympathize with it, and make an effort to remember. Don't just tell them about you. One really easy way to make a difference is to keep track of people's birthdays, by the way. Just write it down in a text file somewhere if you have to. I know the birthday of everyone in my life - it actually takes borderline zero effort to write it down once and check that file once a month - and I think that makes a difference.
- Meet people where they're comfortable. Some of my friends are happy to jump in discord and just chat. Some would rather phone call every couple months. Some do neither but will respond to texts daily. Don't think like "this method works for my other friends, why are you being difficult?" Figure out what fits them. (And there are some people out there who won't want to do any of these things, and those people can be harder to keep up with. And that's just how it goes. But in my experience those people are very rare. I only know one, personally.)
- Getting along with their chosen significant other is paramount. I've lost two formerly-very-close friends to spouses who I'm not compatible with. You don't have to be good friends with them, but you do have to avoid insulting them or going against their values when you're around them. Eventually you may sometimes have to answer a question for yourself: do I value my friendship with this person enough to accept being around this person I really don't like? And sometimes the answer is no, and again...that's life.
- Over time part of why relationships fall apart is that you're not sharing experiences together anymore. You don't live together in college anymore, for example, so you no longer have that shared experience to bond over. You live a thousand miles apart and don't know any of the same people, so you only care because it's happening to them, not because you're experiencing it too. It can make a huge difference to plan trips together when possible. "Let's go hiking together." "Let's go to Disney together." "Come stay with me for a few days, I'd love to just have a guest. You can work in my spare room and we can hang out at night and make dinners." WHATEVER. ANYTHING. You don't have to go to Disney, you can just go grocery shopping together. That's still a shared moment. Maybe the cash register will be rude and you'll both be taken aback. That's a new shared memory.
>Though I’m Kenyan by ethnicity, I grew up abroad, in the US and UK, and I’ve found that my foreign accent and perspective other me, even within my family.
I had to read this sentence four times before I even considered that 'other' could be a verb!
I appreciate the vulnerability of the OP in researching and writing that article. It can be pretty hard to reconnect with friends you’ve lost touch with or actually broken up with. And to do this publicly!
On my side, once we formed families we sort of lost contact gradually. We still gather around once or twice a year for Christmas and another holidays, but other than that we keep to ourselves. My wife doesn't really like staying with my friends so she always asked me to go alone, but I mean, it's usually family gathering, and going alone is really weird.
We do get a couple of new ones though, from my wife's side. They are very good people and very fun to stay with. I have to admit that I enjoy staying with my wife's friends more than she does with mine, but that's fine with me. Maybe I'll get a few days off and coffee chat with my side of the friends.
It's okay to lose touch with former friends (that is, to not feel guilty). This is part of life and I'm always convinced that my friends, whom I lost contact with, will understand as well.
Plus, although we were friends at one point due to common interests, shared environment, etc., we grow up and apart. If chances collide, we will cross paths with some of them.
During my thirties, I felt a bit guilty about not keeping in touch with most of my friends from high school and college. As I reached mid-forties, I have learned to live with the above realization. I think I'd have a good chat with some of my old friends when I meet them by happenstance again.
Elderly people, particularly but not only men, suffer social isolation and loneliness. It is a social problem across the developed world.
That's because people tend not to make new friends in middle age. That trend begins in the mid 20s.
No matter your age, learn the trick of making, and keeping, new friends. Of all ages, sexes, cultures, types. It is extremely vital to your mental and physical health.
One thing about the author, is that she's a traveler (not a Gypsy, but someone that has traveled a lot; even as a kid).
So am I. I spent the majority of my early childhood, bouncing around a number of nations.
It has given me the "ability" to drop even very intimate relationships at the drop of a hat. I've heard that this is a characteristic of "military brats."
I will not have talked to someone for a decade, then, when I see them again, I assume that we can just pick up where we left, and they are like "Who the hell are you? No way!".
I've learned to correct for this. It means that I need to make the effort to stay in touch, but I have also learned that some folks aren't interested in reciprocating, so I have learned to let those go.
No, almost certainly not. This is difficult for many people to accept but once you do a lot of weight comes off your shoulders. You're no longer thinking about what you do in terms of how others perceive it, and not seeking approval or validation from them.
> never occurred to me that they might think we’re no longer friends.
Me neither and the whole idea seems inconceivable. Unless there was some kind of breakup, why would anyone think that periods of disconnect equals no longer being friends?
> not sure if I’ll do something about it though
Is there anything to do? If someone truly believes you are no longer friends then you are no longer friends. No need to beat a dead horse.
Some people become friends for life. At least for me, they were the people I became friends with during my formative years. From my teens and up until young adulthood. Looking back, we became friends due to shared interests (movies, books, music), hobbies, and just general chemistry.
Other people, you become friends with due to some shared situation. School, work, place you live, the places you go/frequent, etc. Once that changes (you graduate, switch jobs, etc.), your friendship can change.
And, of course, your other responsibilities will influence how much time you can use on people. Especially children can have a huge impact on that - kids just take up so much time, and combined with work and other things, it is really difficult to prioritize other things. It is not at all uncommon that once people get kids, they disappear for a solid 5-10 years, and will want to catch up again when things calm down.
As young adults, most people have few responsibilities, and impulsivity is high. What I miss about being a young 20-something was how easy and willing everyone were to do stuff. Go on a hike, go watch a movie, go on a pub crawl? Sure, just give me 15 minutes. Book a trip to some other country? Could do that just a couple of weeks ahead.
These days you'll have to check your calendar 3 months in advance to just shoot the shit.
I think the change started when me and my friends started nearing 30 / late 20s. That's when people were really bogged down with work, met their future spouse / partner, and started focusing on self-realization (working out, hobbies, side hustles, whatever), and of course - kids.
Now that most of us are in our late 30s, things are a bit easier. Those that got kids have more spare time, as the kids have grown older. Seniority at work means they aren't giving it all for the sake of promotions. More financial freedom. Things more stable, and people can catch up again.
With that said, some days I really do miss the days of youth.
This is a common sentiment, that your friends during formative years are those that are lasting relationships. I remember hearing a theory that correlated with my learnings: friendships are made stronger by having intense experiences. As a kid, you are constantly learning and doing things for extended periods with friends. You have way more chances to do something new or reckless or whatever. Similarly, many veterans are friends for life with their brothers in arms because, well, they were doing crazy intense stuff together for years.
As an adult, friendships are hard to grow for the same reason. Grabbing dinner with someone is not going to leave the same impression as, say, getting shot at. The adult friendships I have that are close I attribute to:
1. Friend's dad died shortly after we met, and we bonded throughout that time.
2. I went on an impromptu Vegas trip with friend
3. We went through grad school stress together
4. We spent a lot of time together at chess club. Nothing was intense, but frequently seeing this person solidified our relationship. Oh, he was teetering on divorce at one point, it could be that too.
Here's your answer: your friends formed yourself, and you formed them. No surprise they are like you. Even if you think they are very different from you, that's only because the differences are more pronounced from up close.
Late late thirties through to mid forties has been the busiest period of my (and my wife's) life.
Work, school, kids sport, plus some occasional activities of our own (absolutely minimal) we had something weekly on every day of the week. Two kids ages ranging from 10 to mid-teen during that span of time.
Only really just coming out of it the last couple of years - mid-late forties. Weekly activities are now more my things.
Had kids very late twenties, so that might be a difference.
> What I miss about being a young 20-something was how easy and willing everyone were to do stuff
Perhaps times have changed or my friends don't actually like me, but in my experience this hasn't been true since I was like 16. People are constantly busy or otherwise unwilling to go out and do stuff together. If it gets worse with age then the outlook is extremely grim...
As much as I hate Meta and its digital properties, I have to admit Whatsapp has been instrumental in keeping me in touch with my old friends. Now whenever I travel, I make it a point to let my friends in that city know about my trip and try to meet with at least some of them.
This. I could even say that whatsapp helps me a lot with my mental health by allowing me to talk to really distant friends almost every single day.
It is my small village's piazza
I stopped speaking with my high-school friends in my 40s. I had realized at some moment that I didn't enjoy most of the discussions that we were having. I still met them and talked to them, thinking that that's still "friendship". But I was wrong and I shouldn't have done it! Not for so long! Since I stopped talking to them, I feel very relieved.
> On a warm July evening, I dove into bed and grabbed my phone, giddy and anxious. As I scrolled through TikTok, attempting to calm my nerves, a Google Calendar notification flashed on the screen: “VIDEO CALL WITH SIMONE.”
> Before I could swipe the reminder away, Simone FaceTimed me.
That makes me want to build a "Tinder" for rebooting relationships: select who of your friends you want to talk to, and after they do the same, the app will schedule a video call, and you'll be connected with... a mystery friend from your past! For people who don't like surprises, if both parties vote to reveal their names, you'll know who you're reconnecting with.
Or if you don't get any matches, the app will connect you to a mental health/relationship councillor...
Years ago, I met someone at a large company and they perused a friendship with me. I was always friendly, and I invited them to larger parties because I considered them part of my extended group of friends.
But, they really struggled at life. I moved away, and I never made the effort to keep in touch.
A few years ago they called me to talk. We caught up, and it was clear they still struggled at life. A few phone calls later, they got "stuck" on a topic and wouldn't converse, instead arguing with me when there was no argument to have. I ended the call, and I don't really want to hear from them again. (Basically, they were going off on their opinions about guns and not listening enough to me to know when I was agreeing and when my opinion differed.)
It became clear why they struggle at life, and it's disappointing that they don't have the insight into why they struggle.
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[ 0.17 ms ] story [ 56.2 ms ] threadThat is not how people actually talk in real life.
> ...and me, to join the kids at the back of the bus, literally and figuratively.
People really do not make other people the main character like this. "My crew were shy introverts who were hilarious once we got going" is how people describe themselves: more description, adjectives and familiarity. "You were doing your own thing with the party crowd" is how people describe others: vague and sparse in descriptive detail.
This passage inverts that.
Lack of mutual effort 4
Diverging values 3
Miscommunication 2.5
Geographic distance 2.5
Emotional disengagement 2
(Since article is lacking a conclusion - or the conclusion is a weird direction, "should I talk to my ex" - I guess I'm not the target demo)
Not to discount anyone else's story, but Matt's is probably the most prevalent. It's a shame we spend 18ish years making friends, then in our 20's more or less have to make a mad dash to establish a place to live, a career, a partner, etc. Everyone loses touch "temporarily" in what goes by like a blur, and by your 30's you still remember everyone, but it feels weird to reach out because of how long it's been.
Life is full of surprises and doesn't always work out the way you thought it would, but who isn't at least trying to resolve those things long before their 20s? The "mad dash" may be someone's ultimate fate, but being the norm seems a bit off.
- Keep a semi-regular communication channel. For me this is easy, it isn't a chore for me to just text people. I know some people find this harder. If I see something I think they would find funny, I send them a link. If I start wondering about something I know they're knowledgeable about, I send them a question. If we have a shared hobby, I talk to them about it. Texting someone even just every other month can be the difference between keeping a friendship alive and letting it rust.
- Make sure to care about them and where they're at. Keep track and a week later ask "how did that interview go?" (for example.) Ask about their lives and sympathize with it, and make an effort to remember. Don't just tell them about you. One really easy way to make a difference is to keep track of people's birthdays, by the way. Just write it down in a text file somewhere if you have to. I know the birthday of everyone in my life - it actually takes borderline zero effort to write it down once and check that file once a month - and I think that makes a difference.
- Meet people where they're comfortable. Some of my friends are happy to jump in discord and just chat. Some would rather phone call every couple months. Some do neither but will respond to texts daily. Don't think like "this method works for my other friends, why are you being difficult?" Figure out what fits them. (And there are some people out there who won't want to do any of these things, and those people can be harder to keep up with. And that's just how it goes. But in my experience those people are very rare. I only know one, personally.)
- Getting along with their chosen significant other is paramount. I've lost two formerly-very-close friends to spouses who I'm not compatible with. You don't have to be good friends with them, but you do have to avoid insulting them or going against their values when you're around them. Eventually you may sometimes have to answer a question for yourself: do I value my friendship with this person enough to accept being around this person I really don't like? And sometimes the answer is no, and again...that's life.
- Over time part of why relationships fall apart is that you're not sharing experiences together anymore. You don't live together in college anymore, for example, so you no longer have that shared experience to bond over. You live a thousand miles apart and don't know any of the same people, so you only care because it's happening to them, not because you're experiencing it too. It can make a huge difference to plan trips together when possible. "Let's go hiking together." "Let's go to Disney together." "Come stay with me for a few days, I'd love to just have a guest. You can work in my spare room and we can hang out at night and make dinners." WHATEVER. ANYTHING. You don't have to go to Disney, you can just go grocery shopping together. That's still a shared moment. Maybe the cash register will be rude and you'll both be taken aback. That's a new shared memory.
And having shared memories is the biggest key.
I had to read this sentence four times before I even considered that 'other' could be a verb!
We do get a couple of new ones though, from my wife's side. They are very good people and very fun to stay with. I have to admit that I enjoy staying with my wife's friends more than she does with mine, but that's fine with me. Maybe I'll get a few days off and coffee chat with my side of the friends.
Plus, although we were friends at one point due to common interests, shared environment, etc., we grow up and apart. If chances collide, we will cross paths with some of them.
During my thirties, I felt a bit guilty about not keeping in touch with most of my friends from high school and college. As I reached mid-forties, I have learned to live with the above realization. I think I'd have a good chat with some of my old friends when I meet them by happenstance again.
That's because people tend not to make new friends in middle age. That trend begins in the mid 20s.
No matter your age, learn the trick of making, and keeping, new friends. Of all ages, sexes, cultures, types. It is extremely vital to your mental and physical health.
So am I. I spent the majority of my early childhood, bouncing around a number of nations.
It has given me the "ability" to drop even very intimate relationships at the drop of a hat. I've heard that this is a characteristic of "military brats."
I will not have talked to someone for a decade, then, when I see them again, I assume that we can just pick up where we left, and they are like "Who the hell are you? No way!".
I've learned to correct for this. It means that I need to make the effort to stay in touch, but I have also learned that some folks aren't interested in reciprocating, so I have learned to let those go.
No, almost certainly not. This is difficult for many people to accept but once you do a lot of weight comes off your shoulders. You're no longer thinking about what you do in terms of how others perceive it, and not seeking approval or validation from them.
This article made me aware of that, not sure if I’ll do something about it though
Me neither and the whole idea seems inconceivable. Unless there was some kind of breakup, why would anyone think that periods of disconnect equals no longer being friends?
> not sure if I’ll do something about it though
Is there anything to do? If someone truly believes you are no longer friends then you are no longer friends. No need to beat a dead horse.
Other people, you become friends with due to some shared situation. School, work, place you live, the places you go/frequent, etc. Once that changes (you graduate, switch jobs, etc.), your friendship can change.
And, of course, your other responsibilities will influence how much time you can use on people. Especially children can have a huge impact on that - kids just take up so much time, and combined with work and other things, it is really difficult to prioritize other things. It is not at all uncommon that once people get kids, they disappear for a solid 5-10 years, and will want to catch up again when things calm down.
As young adults, most people have few responsibilities, and impulsivity is high. What I miss about being a young 20-something was how easy and willing everyone were to do stuff. Go on a hike, go watch a movie, go on a pub crawl? Sure, just give me 15 minutes. Book a trip to some other country? Could do that just a couple of weeks ahead.
These days you'll have to check your calendar 3 months in advance to just shoot the shit.
I think the change started when me and my friends started nearing 30 / late 20s. That's when people were really bogged down with work, met their future spouse / partner, and started focusing on self-realization (working out, hobbies, side hustles, whatever), and of course - kids.
Now that most of us are in our late 30s, things are a bit easier. Those that got kids have more spare time, as the kids have grown older. Seniority at work means they aren't giving it all for the sake of promotions. More financial freedom. Things more stable, and people can catch up again.
With that said, some days I really do miss the days of youth.
As an adult, friendships are hard to grow for the same reason. Grabbing dinner with someone is not going to leave the same impression as, say, getting shot at. The adult friendships I have that are close I attribute to: 1. Friend's dad died shortly after we met, and we bonded throughout that time. 2. I went on an impromptu Vegas trip with friend 3. We went through grad school stress together 4. We spent a lot of time together at chess club. Nothing was intense, but frequently seeing this person solidified our relationship. Oh, he was teetering on divorce at one point, it could be that too.
Here's your answer: your friends formed yourself, and you formed them. No surprise they are like you. Even if you think they are very different from you, that's only because the differences are more pronounced from up close.
Work, school, kids sport, plus some occasional activities of our own (absolutely minimal) we had something weekly on every day of the week. Two kids ages ranging from 10 to mid-teen during that span of time.
Only really just coming out of it the last couple of years - mid-late forties. Weekly activities are now more my things.
Had kids very late twenties, so that might be a difference.
Perhaps times have changed or my friends don't actually like me, but in my experience this hasn't been true since I was like 16. People are constantly busy or otherwise unwilling to go out and do stuff together. If it gets worse with age then the outlook is extremely grim...
"Since I moved to Kenya why am I not still friends with people who are now 10,000 miles and 12 hours behind me."
Uhhh does that required 5,000 words to figure out?
> On a warm July evening, I dove into bed and grabbed my phone, giddy and anxious. As I scrolled through TikTok, attempting to calm my nerves, a Google Calendar notification flashed on the screen: “VIDEO CALL WITH SIMONE.”
> Before I could swipe the reminder away, Simone FaceTimed me.
That makes me want to build a "Tinder" for rebooting relationships: select who of your friends you want to talk to, and after they do the same, the app will schedule a video call, and you'll be connected with... a mystery friend from your past! For people who don't like surprises, if both parties vote to reveal their names, you'll know who you're reconnecting with.
Or if you don't get any matches, the app will connect you to a mental health/relationship councillor...
But, they really struggled at life. I moved away, and I never made the effort to keep in touch.
A few years ago they called me to talk. We caught up, and it was clear they still struggled at life. A few phone calls later, they got "stuck" on a topic and wouldn't converse, instead arguing with me when there was no argument to have. I ended the call, and I don't really want to hear from them again. (Basically, they were going off on their opinions about guns and not listening enough to me to know when I was agreeing and when my opinion differed.)
It became clear why they struggle at life, and it's disappointing that they don't have the insight into why they struggle.