I read this as a framing that allows the author and people like them to warm to the idea, as part of a longer iterative process -- Understanding first, then decide what's warranted, assess how you feel about the thing you did, repeat.
I can't say if this affects the author, but I am aware that some people have a neurotype that is very opposed to "being told what to do", especially when they can't reason to it themselves. and sometimes being able to anticipate needs in advance is an important first step to meeting those needs more often <3
I share this as someone who is [un]fortunate to have easy access to empathy, but also has some tendencies of "pathological demand avoidance". For me, empathy is an innate skill, and I am who I am because my identity is shaped by how I use it to anticipate needs in advance, so that I can react more generously (and won't be caught by surprise when someone "demands" something of me that I didn't expect)
On many occasions, I have been told to “be more empathetic.”
When I ask why, I typically get this reaction:
This is a ridiculous question. I am not going to answer it because it is so ridiculous.
Empathy is the right thing to do! You should feel bad for that person. We’re humans, after all.
These explanations never really helped.
*
Even after reading this, I am not sure the author really gets what is behind the request.
Empathy is not sympathy. If my sports team beats your sports team, I can empathize with your feelings of loss but I don't sympathize. We win and you lose, lol.
Conversely, as someone who has never experienced a terminal disease, I'll admit that I cannot really empathize with someone who is experiencing such a thing. I've read books and watched movies and heard testimonials, and yet still I don't really know what it's like. I can imagine what it might be like, but I'm just imagining things. Nonetheless, I can still sympathize.
I always thought of empathy as being able to really relate, emotionally, to what another person is feeling/going through. As a kid I'd sometimes see people crying together on TV when something bad happens to one of them and wonder if that really happens in real life. Even though it wasn't something that came naturally to me in the past, I still tried to be a decent person and adjust my behavior where relevant, and tried to learn to comfort people even when I didn't really "feel" much. I just had to reason/logic about how a person might feel sometimes rather than intuitively "get" it.
Over the last couple of years, that kind of empathy has stated coming more easily/naturally to me. On one hand it seems to have unlocked a richer range of relatability, but on the other it also seemed to open the door more to anxiety, self-doubt, and other not so easy emotions that I didn't really feel much of before.
Yeah I used to understand empathy as a milder understanding. Being careful, but not necessarily feeling fully others emotions. That said along years my brain changed and at one point I became emotionally responsive to others. Maybe that comes when you reach parenting age.
"Empathy" is one of those words that's used as a proxy for a lot of related ideas, but splitting those hairs can be interpreted by some as disagreement with those ideas themselves.
I've witnessed people extol the virtues of empathy to me, while on other occasions they talk about people they dislike with venom and disdain. A level of disdain that I have never held in my heart against anyone, but they throw it around casually. And they're gonna tell me about empathy?
Sometimes you just gotta agree with people out loud and figure out what you believe in offline.
> Empathy is when you try your best to build an accurate model of someone else’s world in order to better understand them.
That's cognitive empathy.
What most people ask you for is emotional empathy = experiencing (as opposed to modeling) the emotions of others.
It's not even that important to experience actual emotions of others. Even empathetic people are often mistaken about what emotions other people feel. Somebody might be sad for different reason than you think. Or they might actually be happy just pretending to be sad. An empathetic observer would still feel sad for that person, and it's still empathy even if the information it's based on is wrong.
What's important is the intent and the consequences of experiencing the possible emotions of other people. If you feel bad when somebody else is suffering, you're more likely to treat them well and less likely to abuse them.
That's what people are asking you for - to treat others better and not to abuse them.
BTW some people don't have emotional empathy, and it's not their fault. You can still be a decent human being. It's just harder.
The premise of this piece and the way it's written gives me the feeling this applies to neurodivergent people on the autism spectrum, not dummies in general.
So I've taken a deep dive into the mind of the local fentanyl dealer. I feel every emotion he has. I'm motivated by his motivations. He doesn't want to go to jail for dealing fentanyl. He doesn't care about the people who die from using his fentanyl. What was the point of this exercise?
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[ 4.8 ms ] story [ 47.1 ms ] threadGrowth does and that's what "being more empathetic" requires.
I can't say if this affects the author, but I am aware that some people have a neurotype that is very opposed to "being told what to do", especially when they can't reason to it themselves. and sometimes being able to anticipate needs in advance is an important first step to meeting those needs more often <3
I share this as someone who is [un]fortunate to have easy access to empathy, but also has some tendencies of "pathological demand avoidance". For me, empathy is an innate skill, and I am who I am because my identity is shaped by how I use it to anticipate needs in advance, so that I can react more generously (and won't be caught by surprise when someone "demands" something of me that I didn't expect)
Even after reading this, I am not sure the author really gets what is behind the request.
Glad we needed an essay on that.
Conversely, as someone who has never experienced a terminal disease, I'll admit that I cannot really empathize with someone who is experiencing such a thing. I've read books and watched movies and heard testimonials, and yet still I don't really know what it's like. I can imagine what it might be like, but I'm just imagining things. Nonetheless, I can still sympathize.
Over the last couple of years, that kind of empathy has stated coming more easily/naturally to me. On one hand it seems to have unlocked a richer range of relatability, but on the other it also seemed to open the door more to anxiety, self-doubt, and other not so easy emotions that I didn't really feel much of before.
Or call it empathy, whatever.
I've witnessed people extol the virtues of empathy to me, while on other occasions they talk about people they dislike with venom and disdain. A level of disdain that I have never held in my heart against anyone, but they throw it around casually. And they're gonna tell me about empathy?
Sometimes you just gotta agree with people out loud and figure out what you believe in offline.
That's cognitive empathy.
What most people ask you for is emotional empathy = experiencing (as opposed to modeling) the emotions of others.
It's not even that important to experience actual emotions of others. Even empathetic people are often mistaken about what emotions other people feel. Somebody might be sad for different reason than you think. Or they might actually be happy just pretending to be sad. An empathetic observer would still feel sad for that person, and it's still empathy even if the information it's based on is wrong.
What's important is the intent and the consequences of experiencing the possible emotions of other people. If you feel bad when somebody else is suffering, you're more likely to treat them well and less likely to abuse them.
That's what people are asking you for - to treat others better and not to abuse them.
BTW some people don't have emotional empathy, and it's not their fault. You can still be a decent human being. It's just harder.
well you will be taken for a ride in modern workplaces if you go the opposite direction. you need to weed out snakes.