I'm struggling and I don't have anyone else to share this with except you
But I keep finding out that people go out of their way to say something negative about me. The way I find out is through my boss. My boss then addresses it with me.
Today I found out a former manager who worked here for only two months on our team told my boss that I was on my phone all day and taking call after call. I know what day this was because she even mentioned the topic I was talking about (i.e., I was getting a lumber quote for a personal project; call lasted maybe two minutes). That was the ONLY call I took that day, and I hate being on my phone during. So that was not true either.
Another person "told" on me, saying that I'm in the bathroom too much and that I they saw me on FaceTime. I have only taken one impromptu FaceTime call in 3+ years working here. I guess that's all it took.
Another Director gave me a slide deck to make into a training course. I am not going to give myself the discretion to change their content since they are the subject matter experts. So I make the training, and this director goes to talk to my boss about me, literally yelling, "Why would he turn in something with so many duplicitous sections." I was only basing the content off of what the Director gave me and was happy to change it at their request during the feedback phase. No, instead, I was immediately portrayed in a negative light.
What's crazy is that all the people that have gone out of their way to talk bad about me, are people that I have been relatively close to at work. When I had my second born, one of them referred to herself as the "corporate grandma" to my newborn. The other one gives me hugs when she hasn't seen my in a while. Another person that talked bad about me was my childhood friend.
They have talked bad about other colleagues in front of me and this made me learn a valuable lesson: those who talk bad about others to you, will talk bad about you to others.
I walked out of my one-on-one today with a heavy heart wondering how people could be this way. I'm trying to think of what I did to these people and I can objectively say that I have gone out of my way to be a team player, considerate, kind, and always positive.
I know I shouldn't care what people think or say, but even I don't understand why this has affected me so much. I won't lose any sleep over it, but I did have to hold the tears back.
Literally, nobody is my friend here. It's crazy how disloyal everyone is. There's no humanity. There's very few real relationships where there is a true care for one another.
I don't know man, I think I'm done with corporate. I love my job, my field, the work I do. But I've gone through this one too many times for me to believe that eventually I will walk into an organization where everyone is rooting for each other. I get it that this is life; the real world. But I'm not okay with it. It feels degrading.
I feel so alone at work. I feel like my job is in jeopardy now because all these people are in our Chief's ears, and it makes me think about my wife and kids and it breaks me to think that my ability to provide for them can disappear from one day to the next.
I think I'm done man. I love construction. I think I may just get started on building that up.
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It can seem untrue, but there are still lots of communities online and offline.
Also regarding “people in the US are friendly, people elsewhere are unfriendly” (which IMO is incorrect but users are being too harsh on you). Most people in the southern US are generally known for appearing friendly and extroverted, while most in Eastern Europe appear “cold” and introverted. It’s a culture thing. But there are people who pretend to be friendly while spreading rumors behind your back (as you’ve experienced) and not committing to anything; likewise, some cold people are very nice if you get to know them, and would immediately help anyone in need, they just don’t like smalltalk with strangers. “You can’t judge a book by its cover”: there are friendly and unfriendly people everywhere, look for those who demonstrate commitment (act friendly and help others in ways that require effort or don’t improve their appearance).
As you said, I'm literally experiencing "nice" people that are talking behind my back right now, so yeah, that definitely says something, as well.
Thank you for your thoughtful and edifying perspective. I really appreciate your words man. Feeling a lot better today, but still going through a lot of other things; it's a lonely road, but this is life. Other people are going through worse things. People like you and others in this comments section are a breath of fresh air to me, in my real, non-digital life.
Paragraph 1: Indicates to me an orientation toward extraverted feeling, or really, really unaware of other's actual attitudes/how their behaviors map to the inclinations of the deeper psyche.
Next 3 paragraphs; shocked@ the fact that when people are not face to face, a different side of them seems to manifest that they don't present to you face-to-face. If this hasn't occurred to you before, you probably haven't been paying attention, and should absolutely start doing so, right now. You also are not wrong in this observation, but not entirely right either.
Paragraph 4: Oooh. Ouch. Okay, Corporate faux pas on a couple levels. Sounds like a Director handed you something to do, if it's the FIRST time, it's often a test. Director gave you task. Take materials, make training course. Director probably knows there are errors. Expects you to do one of a few things. The part you didn't catch, is they were trying to measure a couple things. A) Were you willing to ask questions? B) Were you willing to take ownership and optimize? C) Would you correct something you could plainly see was wrong? You took the passive route of least resistance and most face saving (for that Director from your perspective) by just doing whatever you consider "making the training, you didn't specify, but I'm assuming maybe converting a slide deck to worksheets/pamphlets, etc. The formula, is Observe, Orient, Decide, Act.
You observed things were off. You oriented toward passivity/face saving. You denied yourself discretion, you turned the materials in with a minimum of actual care. You thought you were being helpful. This other Director obviously prioritized results over how he felt about it, so gave YOUR Director an earful. This is not uncommon. This is priority/optimization mismatch. Could totally be worked out in feedback stage. That requires people being adults. You were clearly not working with one.
Next five paragraphs; Congratulations, it's time for you to learn a lovely word; Enantidromia. Everyone, no exceptions, goes through it. The mask we wear in front of people is not the entire being. We're just trained by society to pretend that is the case. Eventually, ya get old enough and start to realize there's more going on there. You are there.
Last three paragraphs: Alright, see what you wrote there? That came from a part of you. That is the part calling out. It doesn't give a damn about what society thinks should be right for you. it wants you to be you. Everything there about building, and feeling done with corporate and two faced people? That's the part being denied authenticity. The part that blows, you being a family man, and all, is you can't just ignore it. If you do, you're gonna start falling apart. You fall apart, someone in the family is going to have to compensate, you don't want that, right? So you need to work with it now. That part of you is where the oomph comes from. So, take it from someone who has been there; do not try to medicate it away. Do not ignore it. Listen to it. Work with it. It's going to want you to do things you can'...
I'm literally re-reading your response because for me, it is something I need to study and internalize. This is serious, and I know I need to make some serious decisions in my life and change my perspective on certain things as well.
God bless you friend! I'm curious. Are you located in the UK?
First principle: social milieus run primarily on instinct, so the first rule is know thyself: what are your instincts? What you find attractive in others, what annoys you. What do you want?
Next: You can't always get what you want but we tend to get what we need. Observe silent gratitude when you feel it and make a note of it.
Third: ask not what others can do for you, but what can you do for others, in a manner that fits your feelings, values, and after this, what do you wish for them. Offer your surplus gingerly to the people you like.
Continuing: Respect your own feelings about those you don't like. Understand yourself, your moods, peeves, pleasures, agitations.
Keep work relationships focused on the work at hand. Build trust with your own performance and stay focused on the work. When you have the good fortune to find friendly birds of a feather, treat these relationships with the respect and boundaries appropriate to the workplace. Don't let others suck you into their trips out of obligations of appearing friendly.
Lastly, most of who we are is unconscious and instinctual. Being nice all the time might seem appealing from a pragmatic view, but it's vibe that can truly annoy others subconsciously. If there's "a game" we all play socially it's to conserve the privilege of our solitude and time with people we truly like. Work is full bores.
(A bore being someone who deprives you of solitude without offering company)
Regarding destiny or a personal curse:
It is possible you are a true social outlier having an unusual and unfortunate experience that few others have seen nor can they appreciate. It's possible that workplace life is now generally insane. Consider your own temperament and values and how you will walk through hell.
Observe that while you might be in hell, by your own conduct and attitude, anyplace you end up can potentially become better because you're there!
If you aren't finding what you need, try building it for those around you.
Your last two paragraphs really slapped me in the face too, in a good way. When I think about it that way, it really does change how I view other people talking negative about me. People talk negative about me? Cool, I'll be someone who you can count on never being that way towards them.
I really appreciate your words. Where ever you are, God bless you and hope you're having a great day (I'm about to go get my third coffee #notashamed).