The problem isn't time. Most men never learned to maintain friendships without a shared context like school or work holding it together. When that scaffolding disappears, so do the friendships.
I think inadvertently found some insight on this. I’m typical and have failed to maintain friends over the years. As an old dad who’s spent a lot of time at kids parties talking to men; men just aren’t that pleasant to talk to. Best case is we’re opinionated, myopic, closed off. Worst case ignorant and obnoxious.
I am lucky not to have friendship struggles; I have a vibrant social circle with close male and female friends. I talk with my male friends more often, but the conversations are not very meaningful. For most of them, it is hard to break through and have talks that require vulnerability. I don't know why.
In contrast, my close female friends are great in this regard. They are open, empathetic, and kind. The conversations I have with them often leave me feeling a stronger connection. They are far more substantive.
And yes, some of my male friends are ignorant and hold (IMO) ugly opinions.
There's an element of competitiveness, too. I worked in a hotel, mostly with women. My supervisor, a woman in her 60s, praised me and the other male workers, saying that the women were jealous, rivalrous, and always fighting amongst each other. "Men are easy!"
Meanwhile, I had no problem working with any of the women (although it's true, they were cruel among themselves), but when I had to interact with men in other departments, it felt like some macho standoff. It's like when you go to shake a guy's hand, and he pulls your arm and crushes your hand, but baked into every interaction.
It's really hard to discuss this without making overly broad statements.
For my personal expense, I have found a lot of men view other men as competitors to be guarded against. You can't begin to work with the building blocks of trust and communication without getting past that first barrier. So we often just stop at the gate.
Since I've had kids and moved cities, I have basically zero friends. I have a two friends about 40 minutes away but we're all too busy with kids and work to meet up more than really once a year. Having young kids really changes your social life in a way I wasn't entirely prepared for. I have no time left for anything other than family and work.
I went through something similar recently. I was usually the one organizing everything. meetups, beers, board game nights. At some point I realized that if I didn’t initiate, nothing really happened.
At first I didn’t think much of it, but over time it started to feel one-sided. What really made me stop and think was when they forgot my birthday. Not a huge deal by itself, but it made me notice the patern, that I was putting in way more than I was getting back.
So I slowly pulled back. stopped organizing, stopped trying to keep things going. No drama, just less involvement. And, honestly, I feel a lot better now. Less drained, less frustrated, more at ease overall.
Not sure what to think of it, from one standpoint I basically decided to cut connection with a group of people I was spending my time with for the last ~10 years, from another I decided to keep my energy and focus on myself. These days I mostly hang out with my fiancee and her friends, but in a much more low-key way.
I never had any trouble keeping up with friendships, but I do have trouble making new friends
This has become a problem as I'm getting older and have lost friends over the years, but not replaced them
I think that's the core of it for many people. We lose or become distanced from friends over time for all sorts of reasons. People move, get married, have kids, or maybe you just grow apart. It happens. But if you don't replace those connections then you eventually wind up with none
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[ 1.8 ms ] story [ 43.9 ms ] threadI am lucky not to have friendship struggles; I have a vibrant social circle with close male and female friends. I talk with my male friends more often, but the conversations are not very meaningful. For most of them, it is hard to break through and have talks that require vulnerability. I don't know why.
In contrast, my close female friends are great in this regard. They are open, empathetic, and kind. The conversations I have with them often leave me feeling a stronger connection. They are far more substantive.
And yes, some of my male friends are ignorant and hold (IMO) ugly opinions.
Meanwhile, I had no problem working with any of the women (although it's true, they were cruel among themselves), but when I had to interact with men in other departments, it felt like some macho standoff. It's like when you go to shake a guy's hand, and he pulls your arm and crushes your hand, but baked into every interaction.
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“What you see at fight club is a generation of men raised by women.”
― Fight Club
For my personal expense, I have found a lot of men view other men as competitors to be guarded against. You can't begin to work with the building blocks of trust and communication without getting past that first barrier. So we often just stop at the gate.
At first I didn’t think much of it, but over time it started to feel one-sided. What really made me stop and think was when they forgot my birthday. Not a huge deal by itself, but it made me notice the patern, that I was putting in way more than I was getting back.
So I slowly pulled back. stopped organizing, stopped trying to keep things going. No drama, just less involvement. And, honestly, I feel a lot better now. Less drained, less frustrated, more at ease overall.
Not sure what to think of it, from one standpoint I basically decided to cut connection with a group of people I was spending my time with for the last ~10 years, from another I decided to keep my energy and focus on myself. These days I mostly hang out with my fiancee and her friends, but in a much more low-key way.
This has become a problem as I'm getting older and have lost friends over the years, but not replaced them
I think that's the core of it for many people. We lose or become distanced from friends over time for all sorts of reasons. People move, get married, have kids, or maybe you just grow apart. It happens. But if you don't replace those connections then you eventually wind up with none
I have my wife, my kids and some people i work with. I dont care any more.