Becoming a dad simultaneously made me more empathetic (seeing a little person from the beginning for all they are) but also more impatient (fewer hours in the day), but beyond that not much. Given the notoriety about some of the techniques referenced in this article [0] curious if others notice anything more consistent.
Becoming a dad made me a sensitive snowflake crybaby :)
There were a lot of days on which I cried more than the baby. Diagnosed with anxiety disorder, but then they said it comes with ADHD and probably has little to do with the baby.
> As many as one in 10 men will experience paternal postnatal depression or anxiety. The symptoms often look different in dads—anger or sudden outbursts
I fully experienced postnatal depression, starting around 12-15 months, and it wasn't until relatively recently (my kid is now 18 years old) that I realized it.
We were living in a 1 bedroom in the city when we had our kid, and moved to a house in a suburb when the kid was 9 months old. My wife and I both worked, but I had a longer commute and a job that frequently required later evenings. Between the job and keeping up the house, I had a few minutes in the morning, random holidays, and part of one weekend day to really spend time. I spiraled into depression and insomnia, overwhelmed by all the work required to keep up the house while also feeling like a terrible father and husband. I was withdrawn, had angry outbursts, and my daily work routine involved sitting in my car in the train station parking lot having a good cry before heading home.
Before our kid started kindergarten, we decided to sell the house and rent a place in the city. Our apartment was about a 30 minute walk from my office with my kid's school as the 1/2 way point. I was actually able to walk my kid to school every day, coach sports that started at 5pm, and have both weekend days available to go on adventures around the city.
The first born defenitely changed me somehow. As if some evolution gene was suddenly ordering me "You will protect this with everything in your power!" The second born, not so much. Perhaps the brain was already settled in the right configuration :)
For me, my first born taught me that love is infinite, no matter how much I loved my wife, that little creature was getting all my love as well, somehow as if there were some parallel source of infinite love for the two of them.
Our second born, taught me that exact same lesson, again - that no matter what, there will always be three human beings in my life for which my love is infinite, and that I would step in front of a bullet for any one of them.
Whereas before it all went down, I was pretty much all alone, now I know for sure there are 3 other human beings I will want to say goodbye to, properly, some day.
This mental shift can also occur before your first born.
Some men who are fathers now had to jump in early as the older sibling due to unreliable parents. Some of those men also chose not to be fathers. Taking responsibility for others is a broad range of experiences.
For all that is said about "dysfunctional" families, sometimes adulting early leads to better outcomes because you were given more time to think.
About 2-3 months after the birth of my first child, I started “seeing” the baby’s face vividly whenever I would close my eyes, when I was falling asleep but other times during the day as well. It was not a conscious-voluntary imagination, more like an artifact of my brain rewiring priority numero uno. Our second child is now 3 months old and I have not experienced similar, perhaps because the brain changes already settled down before his birth.
the only thing that I noticed that changed in me was my sudden understanding of what "fear" really is.
I had not experienced fear prior to becoming a father. The thought of one of my children being ... i'm not even going to say anything more. Use your imagination. That kind of thing scares me so much more than it did before I was a father.
Exaggerating a bit, I felt like my old self was dead and I just happened to somehow have inherited his memories.
But a more concrete thing: While before I might have been saddened about bad things happening to kids, like any normal person would, after having kids myself I experience an stronger reaction:
I get almost physically ill when I hear about kids getting harmed.
I don't think it's exagaration.unless you had kids young, before you had established yourself and some kind of identity, it does all go away. Who you were and your hopes and dreams all die after your newborn arrives. Your just a parent now trying to fit a life into 1 or 2 hours of free time.
The Life of Dad was a good companion through the pregnancy, even if the author preaches a bit in some areas that felt off. It explains the massive mental transformation for fathers, the impact of testosterone, and why you’re “more affected” (so to speak) by being an involved father.
I had a spell of absurd anxiety. I’m not the same person in many ways. Being a dad is frekking cool and the weirdest challenge of my life.
And to your last point… I’m such a chill, no-violence dude, but once a drunk teenager walked into us and yelled at my baby. I was shocked, but 5 seconds later I only wanted to have access to a gun to shoot that teen right there and then. Yikes.
I don’t think any children should be harmed in a conflict. The knowledge of that, or of what we used to do to children in the past, are both things that can ruin a day for me.
I used to work in digital forensics and I used to occasionally see horrible things as part of that work; child abuse material, beheading videos and the like.
I’d become largely desensitised to the content, but after becoming a parent I just couldn’t deal with the CAM anymore.
Iliza Shlesinger has a great bit about how men discover that "woman is person too" when they have a baby daughter.
Best not go overboard on this whole thing about fathers and increased empathy, though.
Elon Musk has a father, after all. So did Donald Trump.
The Roblox CEO has children. Magical universal father empathy is clearly not working out there, or he would shut down his business and give any remaining money to charities.
Becoming a new parent I knew I'd sleep less and be tired all the time but what I didn't know was simultaneously how much energy I'd have to keep going. It's almost like low grade, months long adrenalin rush. Very strange.
The changed I noticed is twofold:
+ If a situation would not be acceptable for my son (bullying) then I shouldn't have to tolerate it at work (workplace bullying)
+ Priorities shift dramatically. I see director level people running around like chickens without heads trying to fill in an excel sheet because one of the higher ups has sent down a directive; without them realizing that the time spent doing so is meaningless dribble that doesn't matter. It's like things that were not obvious time sinks are now very obvious and I'm less patient (of nonsense) because I have something more important to care about.
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[ 3.8 ms ] story [ 46.5 ms ] thread0: https://academic.oup.com/brain/article/140/8/e53/4032512
Think the 9to5 culture make its even harder. It takes a village, probably 2 if you've got twins / triplets+. 9to5 is not something "long childhood" can be compatible with? https://onbeing.org/programs/alison-gopnik-the-evolutionary-...
There were a lot of days on which I cried more than the baby. Diagnosed with anxiety disorder, but then they said it comes with ADHD and probably has little to do with the baby.
> As many as one in 10 men will experience paternal postnatal depression or anxiety. The symptoms often look different in dads—anger or sudden outbursts
Oh well.
We were living in a 1 bedroom in the city when we had our kid, and moved to a house in a suburb when the kid was 9 months old. My wife and I both worked, but I had a longer commute and a job that frequently required later evenings. Between the job and keeping up the house, I had a few minutes in the morning, random holidays, and part of one weekend day to really spend time. I spiraled into depression and insomnia, overwhelmed by all the work required to keep up the house while also feeling like a terrible father and husband. I was withdrawn, had angry outbursts, and my daily work routine involved sitting in my car in the train station parking lot having a good cry before heading home.
Before our kid started kindergarten, we decided to sell the house and rent a place in the city. Our apartment was about a 30 minute walk from my office with my kid's school as the 1/2 way point. I was actually able to walk my kid to school every day, coach sports that started at 5pm, and have both weekend days available to go on adventures around the city.
Our second born, taught me that exact same lesson, again - that no matter what, there will always be three human beings in my life for which my love is infinite, and that I would step in front of a bullet for any one of them.
Whereas before it all went down, I was pretty much all alone, now I know for sure there are 3 other human beings I will want to say goodbye to, properly, some day.
Some men who are fathers now had to jump in early as the older sibling due to unreliable parents. Some of those men also chose not to be fathers. Taking responsibility for others is a broad range of experiences.
For all that is said about "dysfunctional" families, sometimes adulting early leads to better outcomes because you were given more time to think.
I had not experienced fear prior to becoming a father. The thought of one of my children being ... i'm not even going to say anything more. Use your imagination. That kind of thing scares me so much more than it did before I was a father.
But a more concrete thing: While before I might have been saddened about bad things happening to kids, like any normal person would, after having kids myself I experience an stronger reaction:
I get almost physically ill when I hear about kids getting harmed.
I had a spell of absurd anxiety. I’m not the same person in many ways. Being a dad is frekking cool and the weirdest challenge of my life.
And to your last point… I’m such a chill, no-violence dude, but once a drunk teenager walked into us and yelled at my baby. I was shocked, but 5 seconds later I only wanted to have access to a gun to shoot that teen right there and then. Yikes.
I don’t think any children should be harmed in a conflict. The knowledge of that, or of what we used to do to children in the past, are both things that can ruin a day for me.
I’d become largely desensitised to the content, but after becoming a parent I just couldn’t deal with the CAM anymore.
Same. I literally have trouble sleeping after hearing about things like this.
i hate this phrase and how it's generally used for scare-mongering headlines.
Best not go overboard on this whole thing about fathers and increased empathy, though.
Elon Musk has a father, after all. So did Donald Trump.
The Roblox CEO has children. Magical universal father empathy is clearly not working out there, or he would shut down his business and give any remaining money to charities.
When my wife got pregnant, it stopped. I started having nightmares about bad things happening to my son instead.
Fun.
man, wut?
Dad brains: How fatherhood rewires the male mind
https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=47820046
+ Priorities shift dramatically. I see director level people running around like chickens without heads trying to fill in an excel sheet because one of the higher ups has sent down a directive; without them realizing that the time spent doing so is meaningless dribble that doesn't matter. It's like things that were not obvious time sinks are now very obvious and I'm less patient (of nonsense) because I have something more important to care about.