I’ve been on several silent retreats now and one of the most surprising discoveries was just how much speaking is unnecessary.
Without the pressure to speak amongst others, it became clear that I often said things out of anxiety - fear of looking weird or of making the other person uncomfortable.
Nowadays I rarely speak when I feel that pressure and paradoxically it has led to far deeper relationships and more interesting conversations.
It seems that the topics that come up when theres a pressure to fill the silence are the most mundane. Deeper connection seems to happen in the silences, or rather mutual comfort with silence.
Another way I could describe it is it feels almost as if there’s a fear of really being seen in silence that the surface level conversation manages to keep at bay.
It sounds like it was good for you, but I would add a word of caution about 'one of the most surprising discoveries was just how much speaking is unnecessary' part.
It is easy to overdo it and torpedo relationships. Relationships are build from small interactions and when you refuse to do communication that is not strictly necessary, they just wont build. A lot of that "useless" communication has social purpose - it allows people to learn in initiate connections without putting large stakes on it. When you stop engaging, they will stop engaging and it all, well, stops.
I live in a apartment with a courtyard, it's taken me 10 years of knocking on folks doors. Normally it's new tenants who don't know how much noise they make and I have to ask them nicely if they could turn down their devices and show consideration.
There have groans, feuds and aggressiveness towards me for asking for peace. I'm not unreasonable. If you wish to have a party, do it adult without DJs blaring till 3am.
Most of the time, it's that they didn't realise. But it's had aggressive moments where it's turned to "It's my apartment ..."; and I get it. Folk don't like being told to show consideration for their neighbours and only when the noise effects them do they realise how disrupting noise is.
The courtyard too has seagulls and at 5am it turns in to a hellish frenzy. So luckily this has taught folk a lot about how peaceful quiet actually is and on cases have made others move out.
And too the courtyard faces the back of a couple of restaurants which are were the exhaust fans for their ovens stand. What I presume is due to lack of calibration as these whirl sometimes up until 2am even though their restaurants close at 11pm. You can really feel the level of atmospheric vibration drop when they shut off. It's a sigh of relief when they do.
I've plead, and the local council is useless so I have put up with it. 3am is really the only time I can actually relax my ears in to a slumber because having hyper audio sensory really sucks.
Peace is nice and I wish others would value it more. But with peace, folk don't know what to do. It scares them at first because it's rare to encounter in this day and age.
Agreed. I live on an acreage with the sound of birds and the sea for company, and I could not possibly deal with high-density living. Peace, every single day, is just wonderful. (I'm so sorry for your situation -- it sounds ghastly. Move if you can. It's not worth living like that.)
However, I also know that many people find my lifestyle agoraphobic, and positively need high-density living. Many PhDs at my institute seem to feel the need to constantly surround themselves with noise and distractions that would do my head in (they literally have TV series playing on their phones as they do repetitive analysis tasks ... it is freaking weird!)
I'll never forget my first time living in the UK, describing my happiness of hiking in the wilderness to my English colleagues, and them looking at me in absolute horror, telling me that the idea of not being able to see a human house in any direction would scare them half to death.
And now, even when I go hiking, I encounter people who feel the need to hike with a bluetooth speaker blaring out their music / podcast / audiobook at themselves and everyone else.
I love silence, but most of the world seems genuinely scared by it.
11 comments
[ 0.26 ms ] story [ 6.6 ms ] threadOdd that it’s on HN front page :-/
Without the pressure to speak amongst others, it became clear that I often said things out of anxiety - fear of looking weird or of making the other person uncomfortable.
Nowadays I rarely speak when I feel that pressure and paradoxically it has led to far deeper relationships and more interesting conversations.
It seems that the topics that come up when theres a pressure to fill the silence are the most mundane. Deeper connection seems to happen in the silences, or rather mutual comfort with silence.
Another way I could describe it is it feels almost as if there’s a fear of really being seen in silence that the surface level conversation manages to keep at bay.
It is easy to overdo it and torpedo relationships. Relationships are build from small interactions and when you refuse to do communication that is not strictly necessary, they just wont build. A lot of that "useless" communication has social purpose - it allows people to learn in initiate connections without putting large stakes on it. When you stop engaging, they will stop engaging and it all, well, stops.
There have groans, feuds and aggressiveness towards me for asking for peace. I'm not unreasonable. If you wish to have a party, do it adult without DJs blaring till 3am.
Most of the time, it's that they didn't realise. But it's had aggressive moments where it's turned to "It's my apartment ..."; and I get it. Folk don't like being told to show consideration for their neighbours and only when the noise effects them do they realise how disrupting noise is.
The courtyard too has seagulls and at 5am it turns in to a hellish frenzy. So luckily this has taught folk a lot about how peaceful quiet actually is and on cases have made others move out.
And too the courtyard faces the back of a couple of restaurants which are were the exhaust fans for their ovens stand. What I presume is due to lack of calibration as these whirl sometimes up until 2am even though their restaurants close at 11pm. You can really feel the level of atmospheric vibration drop when they shut off. It's a sigh of relief when they do.
I've plead, and the local council is useless so I have put up with it. 3am is really the only time I can actually relax my ears in to a slumber because having hyper audio sensory really sucks.
Peace is nice and I wish others would value it more. But with peace, folk don't know what to do. It scares them at first because it's rare to encounter in this day and age.
However, I also know that many people find my lifestyle agoraphobic, and positively need high-density living. Many PhDs at my institute seem to feel the need to constantly surround themselves with noise and distractions that would do my head in (they literally have TV series playing on their phones as they do repetitive analysis tasks ... it is freaking weird!)
I'll never forget my first time living in the UK, describing my happiness of hiking in the wilderness to my English colleagues, and them looking at me in absolute horror, telling me that the idea of not being able to see a human house in any direction would scare them half to death.
And now, even when I go hiking, I encounter people who feel the need to hike with a bluetooth speaker blaring out their music / podcast / audiobook at themselves and everyone else.
I love silence, but most of the world seems genuinely scared by it.