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My final note to the love of my life

6 points by ckeith ↗ HN
You know what, I really loved my wife more than anything. Even my own family, unfortunately. I cared about her beyond belief. I put her above all, I treated her like a queen. I moved to KY so that I could provide a better welfare for her and a better life. I have sacrificed everything I have had for nothing. I helped her through the good and bad times, just like the vows state. She has done to me what is equivilent of putting a gun to my head and pulling the trigger; putting the noose around my neck and throwing me off the ledge and ending this shitty existence; stabbing me in the heart and twisting the knife. I have cried too many tears for her, I have wasted too much time hoping that it wasn't true; that I could make things work and that I could fix this. Unfortunately, I have failed. I am yet another statistic in divorce among first-married couples. No one can explain how i felt, how i feel, what I am going through. Why I can't concentrate at work, why I can't eat, why I can't sleep, why the thought of this makes me so sick to my stomach. No one can explain to me why she met another man, why he was better than me, why she cheated on me with him, why she walked in one day and said I no longer love you and i don't care about you. I almost snooped down to her level, but I am done with her. I'm done with a lot of things. People get what they deserve, it just takes some time. She was my best friend, my only true friend. I will miss her and all of the good times we have had together and the love that we shared together.

15 comments

[ 4.0 ms ] story [ 44.6 ms ] thread
deadwait
whatever happened, happened for the best, better it happened now than 20 years later in life, you will suffer now though, but you will come out stronger.
attheodo
There's a saying in Greece my friend: "The are always more orange trees that make oranges"
cesarpereira
I'm going to make some assumptions about your situation so pardon me if I get some things wrong.

Do not make any decisions while you are in despair. Reach out to a family member or friend NOW. I felt something similar to this pain once (a lot of people have).

The pain will go away. It will go away slowly, but it WILL go away. Little by little every day. Get away from the life you had with her. Have family or friends that care about you? Go there NOW.

Eventually think about moving away, far away and find another job unless your support system is in KY, but it doesn't sound like it is. Get a new routine. Reinvent yourself. Look at this as an opportunity.

Talk to a family member, close friend or professional right away.

Edit: Oh and she's not the love of your life. Get that bullshit out of your head. There are others. Lots of others.

ckeith
I am trying, I am making progress. Looking back is like looking down and I can't do that. But this pain comes and goes and as it does my mood changes. I am coping, hoping for the better. I am now 400 miles away from family. My whole life changed when I moved down here. I don't know if I can go see family without losing my job as I found all this out during my week of vacation off from work and now cannot take any more without scheduling it. I need to get out of here, I hope my boss understands it. Maybe I can work remotely. I hate KY now, it has been nothing but a curse. Once we moved down here she met men. That is where it went downhill because all of a sudden I was stomped on by this hatred. Hatred that made no sense until I found out that she cheated on me when she left her facebook open. Yes I was curious. Was I wrong? No... Did I know her password? No... Once i found out it hit, all she could care about was my car keys. What kind of person is this? Is Monogamy real? I doubt it. Wish it was. If I talked to a professional, I would be labeled and I don't want to do that. I may need it though the more and more I think about it. Of course I could make half of the money developing software up in Ohio, but that is a choice I am currently considering. I have no friends down here, no close friends since she came into my life. It's just a black hole, no where to go.
cesarpereira
It is not a black hole. Your vision is just clouded from pain. Let someone hold your hand while you get through it.

Ask your boss for a short-term leave due to family issues. Take it without pay if need be. You need to be around family and friends ASAP. At the very least you need to call someone like a close family member or friend.

Did you ditch your friends for this girl? Good friends that were good guys? Call them anyway. Call the person that you think will give you the most support. Even if it is a friend you ditched. Beg their forgiveness and tell them you really need someone to talk to.

Your first priority is to stop your perceived spiral. Get your feet firmly on the ground with another human being. Do you have such a person? Family? If not then talk to me.

You have lots of options. Your first post scared the crap out of me. You will get through this.

Then you can start thinking of your next step. Being in a location with a good support system is your short-term priority, not the fear of a salary decrease. You can always improve salary once everything else gets back in order.

ckeith
I want to talk to family but I feel as if I can't. I don't know why. I just feel as if no one can truly understand the pain. We all feel love in a different way. My problem is now trust unfortunately and even if I found someone I would only be able to think about her. She actually gave my life reason. I didn't ditch my friends, people that I was around could not mature enough to actually become adults. I just want to rewind time and change the day that we fell in love because it just hurts so bad. Sure my family can express sympathy, but they can never empathize with what I am feeling. My wife took care of me, I can't even wash my own clothes without screwing something up. The biggest thing I worry about is not being able to take care of myself. What a disappointment you know?
S4M
>> If I talked to a professional, I would be labeled and I don't want to do that.

I don't think that's a good reason to discard professional help. You have been hit hard, and that can happen to anybody. What's wrong with seeking help from qualified people?

I would recommend to try some new activities, like sport, to help your mind focus on something positive and meet new people, but again, that's just my advice which is by no mean qualified.

Good luck, you will meet another woman for sure bro!

scottbartell
Life will get better my friend. There are some good people out there.
[dead] drkmtr999
How is this "hacker news?" Is this livejournal now?
speromeliora23
Look at it this way: now you can go on living a life based on truth, embrace your pain, and use it as a way get to know the true you, and love that person as you are, then, you will find the perfect person for you and laugh about all of this... Its funny, fundamentally, it's not really her rejecting you... It's you rejecting you... Because no one can make you feel inferior but you, you create your experience, make the best of it and turn your pain into something beautiful
speromeliora23
And I've been through this myself, billions other experience this eventually, everyone learns in their own way... As Chuck Palahniuk says in Fight Club, "it's only after we lose everything, that we are free to do anything"