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None of these "traits" are traits of startups. They're traits of failures.

A startup is simply a new business that has not yet begun its permanent, revenue-generating business operations. That is why Foursquare is (still) a startup, but AirBnB is not (anymore).

Legally, the two requirements for a business "starting up" are (1) the business is a new business, and (2) the business has not yet begun its permanent revenue-generating activities. Indeed, it is these provisions of the tax codes from which the term "startup" originated.

This makes it sound like anything with a legitimate business model is a product and anything without is a startup.
That was a great bit of satire. Very nicely done. And I went in expecting another boring, bullshit article about how "you shouldn't call your startup a startup unless $FOO". Instead, I got a nice chuckle and a LOL.
This is very clearly satire. Unfortunately, satire is usually lost of this crowd.

The bit with 'free vs non-free' had me rolling.

What does that make Compylr?