This reminds me of the awkwardness of seeing someone you sort-of know in passing and deciding whether to stop and chat with them or just say "Hey! How ya doing?" and continue walking.
To make it even more complicated, people from different counties react differently to hugging. Taiwanese, for example, often seem be quite uncomfortable with it.
In Argentina, everyone kisses once on the cheek, including between men. Certainly a culture shock at first, put it avoids all the ambiguity in NA/Europe.
Edit: I should say I only know that to be true in the BsA area. Not sure about other provinces.
In most of Europe, kissing each other on the cheek in informal settings is also perfectly normal, but usually not between men. Where I'm from (Netherlands) three kisses on opposing cheeks is more or less the standard greeting if at least one girl/woman is involved, but only after you get to know each other a little better. In other European countries, 3 kisses is weird but 1 is normal. I've never been anywhere in Europe where hugging is considered a normal way of greeting, except among close friends and relatives, and usually only in special situations (haven't seen each other in a very long time, or meeting under difficult circumstances). When I visit the US, the first time someone tries to hug me still keeps surprising me...
So yeah, greeting seems to be a pretty diverse and complicated cultural phenomenon ;-)
I'm in Scotland (and from a particularly dour bit of Scotland) and I can remember an Italian chap who was working with us for a while exclaiming "Why, I bet you have never kissed your father".
The palpable sense of horror that this created remains with me to this day.
I don't like shaking hands (business handshakes are fine) or hugging unless it's a loved one or someone you are really close to and generally want to feel the embrace from the hug. Otherwise I think it's just pointless touching to signify some non-existant closeness.
What's wrong with just saying "hi"? Or a friendly fist-bump if you want to do something more fun?
I especially hate meeting a new group of people and having to shake every hand. It's so stupid.
As an American now living in Germany I always have to hug every single friend I've met more than once. I do it just because it's the expected behavior but I don't necessarily enjoy it.
FWIW I do feel like I'm a real life Larry David sometimes.
I will state the obvious but to answer your "what's wrong" question, it is purely cultural and learned. If you were from, let's say a Europe Latin country, you would feel odd to not have any kind of physical contact when meeting someone.
I am from Germany and greet my friends with a ‘hi’ and no handshakes, especially in academic backgrounds. At the THW, people shook hands, which was fine with me, too. Furthermore, handshakes if you meet for the first time in any context, unless the group is so large you don’t get introduced to everyone individually.
Hugs are for close family and I will make it very obvious that I don’t want to hug you if you try.
This has been bothering me for a while, and I generally come down on the side of hugging. Hand shaking with a woman always seems to me like I'm forcing a male to male ritual on the situation. No matter how formal the meeting is, it always seems off. Now, granted, I'm not going to hug the female CEO of a company I'm doing business with at the first meeting, but even so, a handshake still feels off.
My general rule of thumb is – if I'm comfortable with the person and she's a woman, it's a hug. If I'm not comfortable, it's a handshake and a small inner sigh at the inadequacy of it. I don't consciously think about if it's work or not work, but I do of course tend to feel less comfortable with work contacts than I do with other social contacts, at least for the first few meetings.
Meh, I just tell people hugs make me feel uncomfortable. Some people are fine, some demand a big hug to help me out of my shell. Either way it's a win.
I try to short-circuit awkwardness by putting my hand up to high-five people. If there's someone between handshake and hug, I've found that gesture is comfortable enough for most, explains the situation without saying anything, and gives everyone a way out. Your mileage may vary.
I came here to say this. Oh course it is not perfect all the time, but I find it useful in team and personal-world situations all the time. Sometimes, if i'm feeling really campy, i say "good game" too (if it is at the end of something).
The social norm for Berlin would be for the higher-up to initiate the handshake, regardless of gender. This is especially true on first introduction, otherwise, the arriving person usually offers their hand first.
Same here - as a male interacting with a female, waiting for the other party to initiate any physical contact is the best bet. If they want to hug you, they'll do it.
What I find even more inappropriate is random women I talked to once suddenly thinking it is necessary to hug me. Really, no. We can shake hands if you insist, but a hug is an absolutely no-go unless you are closer than close family.
Some people are just huggers. As a fan of hugs I approve of people who get down to hugging quickly, though I understand why non-huggers would be squicked out by that.
If that wigs you out, I have a particular friend group for whom kissing becomes a thing almost immediately after they've met you. The first time it happens it can be absurdly disorienting.
I pretty much only ever shake hands when first being introduced to someone, or when concluding some kind of business arrangement.
I have no problem with hugging but I really don't care - I never instigate it with males or females but have no problem returning a hug if one is incoming.
Who has the time to worry about stuff like this? I really don't get it, chances are the people you are imagining taking offense aren't analyzing the interaction at all - let alone as deeply as you are.
I'd strongly advise bosses not to hug their employees except in very rare circumstances, those interactions are much likely to be analyzed by the recipient and any observing coworkers
It's not a genuine worry for me, just something I think about from time to time, when I realize that an interaction (either a hand shake or a hug) was slightly awkward for one of the parties.
Other people don't need to give something the same amount of attention that I do for it to become a meaningful subject of thought for me. I also don't think that people generally take offense when (say) I give them a handshake instead of a hug, or the other way around. At worst, it creates some momentary awkwardness. All that said, it's still interesting.
Some people are insecure when they're not 100% sure of the rules for social interaction. They don't want to come off as an asshole who pays no mind to social niceties or as someone who has Aspbergers and doesn't recognize social cues.
Do not hug someone without asking first. Also, don't do the open-arms-moving-in-and-then-asking-for-a-hug. People who might feel uncomfortable hugging you now feel socially forced to. Ask the first time, and ask if you can hug them again in the future.
If you're really feeling awkward, start out with a hand wave as you approach the person... either they'll wave back, or try to initiate a handshake/hug with you. Either way it's a good enough greeting for friends and co-workers alike.
This is cultural, of course. In Latin America the cheek kiss is expected, and if you don't give it it's considered rude.
In the UK (or at least among people I know, both personally and in work circles), asking if you can hug someone would be just about the most awkward thing you can do.
I don't really have any advice on a better answer, for me it just... feels natural. For both work and personal, both men and women, there are some who I'd hug, some a kiss on the cheek (women only for this one - except a few people in France/Belgium I work with), others whose hand I'd shake every time I see them and others who I'd just greet verbally. Same with female. Never stopped to think about it, or discussed it, just happens.
It may feel awkward at first, but asking is a form of showing respect. The worst that can happen is they say no.
Maybe the best reason to do this is to practice consent culture in our everyday lives. As it relates to HN readership, consent culture would go a long way in improving the work [and convention] environment for women in technology. I wish more awkward nerds would read up on this.
I think our circles may have different social norms. Being asked wouldn't feel like respect, it would feel even more awkward than asking someone else.
And the idea that this needs a shift towards "consent culture" is just... weird. Maybe some people can't read, or don't feel comfortable trying to read, the signs as to what will work socially, and if they want to set rules that's fine. I don't have any problem with someone who will only shake hands, or who won't have any physical contact at all - hell, if they want to follow your rule of always asking, I'd feel awkward, but if that's what you prefer then whatever, I'm fine with that. But don't assume everyone needs to follow your rule. For the record I've never asked anyone if they want to have sex, that hasn't lead to me raping anyone.
I acknowledge that you would not like to be asked for a hug. Different people like to be treated differently. But my rule accounts for one thing: there is more potential for harm by not asking. Better safe than sorry, as it were. You are welcome to ignore my suggestion :-)
(Also, the article doesn't suggest you ask everyone before you have sex with them; it's more about being mindful of "is this person really into it, or could I be pressuring them?" If you believe it is impossible for this to happen, think again, as all perception is skewed by personal bias)
Re: your parentheses. I didn't read the article, but your point of "ask everyone if they want a hug", if it's important enough for that, surely you should definitely ask everyone when it comes to sex! The "ask yourself if they are OK with it" approach is exactly what most people do with handshakes/hugs/etc.
This guy got fired for obvious sexism in the workspace, which was made visible by refusing to shake a woman’s hands on the ground that his religion forbids him to do so.
Yes. But religious freedom is usually[0] limited to cases were it doesn’t interfere with the rights of others. The right to be protected from sexual discrimination in the workplace is usually a pretty strongly-enforced right, and this also wasn’t a private meeting but a public, work-related one.
[0] Depending on your jurisdiction, the phase of the moon and sufficiently many other things that this message box is too small to list them all.
Nope. I usually know when a hug will be good and I'm ready to be wrong. I'm not going to pussyfoot my way through every slightly-more-intimate interaction I take in this life.
If you were really treating women equally to men, you wouldn't follow a "what's good for one is good for the other" policy. You'd accept that the norms and behaviors of each gender should be held in equal regard, and adapt your own behavior to the person or group of people you're talking with. Acknowledging, in other words, that women have as much right to be in the workplace as men, rather than treating their actions as somehow foreign or alien to the "acceptable" male norms.
I mean, your simple and straightforward logic is the logic that four-year-old boys use when they want to punch girls on the playground and don't feel like being courteous.
This is very non-silly logic. Why should I care about your chromosome configuration or sexual identification? It is not my business, and I expect you to respect that. Hence it is absolutely obvious to treat men and women equally and not adapt one’s greetings procedures to the gender of the other person.
After all, punching girls is exactly as appropriate as punching guys.
If you think that treating genders equally has nothing to do with accepting variations in social norms, then you're missing pretty much the whole purpose of the "treat women equally to men" thing.
Gender inequality is almost wholly a social problem, not a biological one. And
> Gender inequality is almost wholly a social problem, not a biological one.
Yes. A problem where people find it appropriate for women to hug men but not for men to hug women. A problem where people find it appropriate for women to hug women but not for men to hug men. A problem where people find it appropriate to expect men to hug women. A problem where people find it appropriate for boys punching boys but not for boys punching girls.
You can hardly get any more gender-unequal than that.
My favourite definition of "awkwardness" comes from Steven Pinker: it's the uncomfortable feeling you get when you realize that your concept of your relationship with someone else doesn't match their concept. The intensity of awkwardness roughly corresponds to the magnitude of difference in relationship concepts.
For example, I was at a dinner party recently and greeted a female friend with a handshake. She said, "That was formal," and slight awkwardness ensued. When we were leaving I made sure to give her a hug.
If, at the end of dinner, someone had pulled out their wallet and starting putting money on the table to pay for their meal, the awkwardness would have been much more intense.
Really? That's your minimal solution for awkwardness?
Ice-breakers should be fun or interesting conversation starters, they shouldn't be you calling attention to how awkward you are. Just learn follow the other person's cues. If you must do it, the excessive-honesty-in-order-to-elicit-sympathy tactic can be saved as a back up plan for when you make mistakes.
I shake hands with everyone on first meet or in an office environment, male or female. Outside of an office environment, I'll still shake on a first meet, but am happy to hug, cheek kiss or whatever else if I know the person.
Edit: just do whatever you do with confidence and a smile. Doesn't really matter after that.
I have been told off more than once for not hugging women. That said, the kiss-on-the cheek thing is very popular in continental Europe for acquaintances.
The only strangers I make a point of hugging are Germans, just to freak them out!
But seriously, as long as you greet sincerely with any action, you are highly unlikely to cause offense. Just note their reaction for future reference after.
More importantly is how much personal space you give them after that point. A one-off strange greeting is almost always acceptable; occupying someone's personal space for an extended time is another matter entirely...
I think the decision to hug or shake depends more on the body language in the context of the situation, than it does on the nature of a given relationship. Even if someone is not an investor or manager, it would not be appropriate to hug him or her if their body language was closed off.
I'm more concerned about the strength of handshakes. I have a bias against anyone who actively squeezes my hand with anything beyond a simple, firm grasp. It comes across as macho, like you've got something to prove, and therefore untrustworthy.
I'd like to point out here that I'm admitting a bias rather than expressing an opinion.
EDIT: at least now I'm approaching something resembling adulthood I don't have the problem of trying to negotiate on the fly which of the various intricate hiphop style handshakes we're executing. Those were the days...
I actually don't know how hard I'm shaking hands. I never go in strong, and I've never felt like a big guy, but I always find it really difficult to tell if I'm applying more strength than I think I am.
Any time someone tries to crush my hand I instantly feel apprehensive of them, as you describe. But perhaps some of them don't actually realise how hard they're squeezing.
I bet you also feel awkward when you do try to apply enough strength, but the other person has a stronger than average handshake, which makes you wonder if your two hands would implode if you apply the same or more strength as the other person does.
Hah, that's exactly it. Whenever anyone applies more pressure than needed I normally just try to tense my hand, i.e. immovable object meeting the unstoppable force. I think that might prompt them to squeeze harder, though.
I know this guy who won't even attempt to participate in the procedure. He just gives you his hand. It's like he just inserts his flat hand into yours and removes it once you let go. No shake either.
Ditto. And I squeeze the hell out of their hand to relate reliability and engagement. If I shake someone's hand and they give me a weak handshake, I see it as, above all, not being engaged. I feel like it leaves emotional distance.
I've always wondered what happens when two people meet who literally don't flex any muscle in their hand while shaking... must be some kind of strange hand mashing.
I grip with what I hope is a sincere level of firmness - as in, "I'm really pleased to be shaking your hand, thank you" - and I'm flummoxed when it feels as though the other person has simply dangled their appendage for me to interact with.
I know someone with Asperger's who cannot shake hands - he keeps his hand stiff but flat, and kind of slaps it against yours while your arms move up and down.
It's odd.
I also know other people with very limp handshakes. I don't mistrust them, but I do think it's weird.
But what I hate are the ALPHA handshakes. Not just firm, but too much squeezing, and trying to turn so their hand is on top. It's calculating and manipulative and just weird. I never know whether to just let them do it; or to let them do it and then turn it when they're lulled into a false sense of security; or whether my entire handshake with them should be a battle of twisting and turning.
I try to adjust the strength of my handshake, depending on a few factors, but mostly related to how hard the other persons will shake my hand.
I'm not trying to match the strength of their shake, just adjust my own. The objective is to make the other person feel more comfortable.
I start with a strength based on some stereotypes (for example, slim women generally have weaker handshakes than big men), but adjust the strength during the shake if I feel my initial strength wasn't right.
Whether this makes the other person actually feel more comfortable is difficult to know, but it makes me feel happy that I've tried.
However, it does mean that I feel a bit sorry for people who have a crushing handshake - what do they think they are doing?
I think I'm basically with you on this, though when I receive a particularly brutal handshake a certain scene from Hot Shots[1] involuntarily leaps to mind and I tend to chuckle rather than read too much into the psyche of the shaker.
What is your opinion on the opposite? For me that's far more unsettling. I've initiated handshakes with people whose age and home country meant they didn't really have much experience of the Western "firm handshake", always the limp wrist. I don't know whether to shake it, or draw the hand to my lips as courting a princess. Which, I assume, was not one in your repertoire of "intricate hiphop style handshakes".
Jokes aside, more than one family member had felt it important to instruct me in the art of a good handshake as a matter of gentlemanly conduct from a young age, even long after I'd obviously "got it", and I distinctly recall one of my friends suddenly in his mid-20s going from a pathetic one to a really decent powergrip apparently because his boss had told him after a promotion that he ought to work on his handshake. I say this in defense of the one who "actively squeezes", as it may not be macho-signaling so much as over-correction for their past dead fish.
I've only ever experienced this with peers who I know well, and I actually find there's a pleasant intimacy to it. It would definitely be weird if it happened in a formal context though.
at least now I'm approaching something resembling adulthood I don't have the problem of trying to negotiate on the fly which of the various intricate hiphop style handshakes we're executing.
Don't be so sure. I'm in my 40s and run into this from time to time with informal settings, with full-grown adult males.
One trick I've learned to avoid getting your hand crushed: instead of keeping your index finger connected to your middle finger, extend it along the other person's wrist. It gives your hand a stronger shape, and it's harder for the other person to grab your fingers.
Well, it's called a "handshake" for a reason. As opposed to "handmassage" or "handtouch." The terminology itself sets the expectation that you need to hold the other person's hand firmly, and shake it.
If any business is involved, then stick with handshakes.
I've been in a situation where my girlfriend's friends do neither: they do the air cheek kiss thing. Its really confusing because I'm never sure if they are coming in for a hug or an air cheek kiss. Its hard to try to 'take charge' and initiate something otherwise because I start to feel like I'm about to be rude by doing something different and get more awkward.
Its nice to know I'm not the only one with this kind of issue.
Male friends or business contacts = handshake.
Female on first contact or in any business context = handshake.
Female acquaintance I don't know particularly well = smile and Hi before there's any ambiguity.
Female friend or reasonable acquaintance (e.g., wife's friend) = kiss on the cheek (each side with female relatives).
Are the hugs being discussed in this thread actual hugs? Or going in close as though to kiss on the cheek, but not actually touching cheeks? Or more like the way male athletes embrace each other?
If you act awkwardly or second-guess, it'll be awkward. If you end up in one of those weird situations where you half handshake and half kiss or confuse kissing sides and somehow brush lips, just laugh it off. "Well, I screwed that up!"
166 comments
[ 3.0 ms ] story [ 238 ms ] threadWhat I do is imagine I'm going for a handshake, if their arm extends it's likely they're looking for a handshake, otherwise turn it into a soft hug!
The "stop and chat" dilemma immortalized by Larry David: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5f2LJXz-l2k
Edit: I should say I only know that to be true in the BsA area. Not sure about other provinces.
So yeah, greeting seems to be a pretty diverse and complicated cultural phenomenon ;-)
Survey where strict boundaries matching the provinces of France are found. The number of kisses varies from one to five (!).
The palpable sense of horror that this created remains with me to this day.
What's wrong with just saying "hi"? Or a friendly fist-bump if you want to do something more fun?
I especially hate meeting a new group of people and having to shake every hand. It's so stupid.
As an American now living in Germany I always have to hug every single friend I've met more than once. I do it just because it's the expected behavior but I don't necessarily enjoy it.
FWIW I do feel like I'm a real life Larry David sometimes.
Hugs are for close family and I will make it very obvious that I don’t want to hug you if you try.
My general rule of thumb is – if I'm comfortable with the person and she's a woman, it's a hug. If I'm not comfortable, it's a handshake and a small inner sigh at the inadequacy of it. I don't consciously think about if it's work or not work, but I do of course tend to feel less comfortable with work contacts than I do with other social contacts, at least for the first few meetings.
The norm doesn't specify the timeout but to me it comes naturally to just nod and say hello after the "moment"[2] I am convinced the timeout happened.
[1] It certainly is in Poland and I am fairly convinced about Western Europe too
[2] About one and a half igniseconds [3]
[3] www.unwords.com/unword/ignisecond.html
If that wigs you out, I have a particular friend group for whom kissing becomes a thing almost immediately after they've met you. The first time it happens it can be absurdly disorienting.
I have no problem with hugging but I really don't care - I never instigate it with males or females but have no problem returning a hug if one is incoming.
Who has the time to worry about stuff like this? I really don't get it, chances are the people you are imagining taking offense aren't analyzing the interaction at all - let alone as deeply as you are.
I'd strongly advise bosses not to hug their employees except in very rare circumstances, those interactions are much likely to be analyzed by the recipient and any observing coworkers
I'm a married male for the record.
Other people don't need to give something the same amount of attention that I do for it to become a meaningful subject of thought for me. I also don't think that people generally take offense when (say) I give them a handshake instead of a hug, or the other way around. At worst, it creates some momentary awkwardness. All that said, it's still interesting.
If you're really feeling awkward, start out with a hand wave as you approach the person... either they'll wave back, or try to initiate a handshake/hug with you. Either way it's a good enough greeting for friends and co-workers alike.
This is cultural, of course. In Latin America the cheek kiss is expected, and if you don't give it it's considered rude.
I don't really have any advice on a better answer, for me it just... feels natural. For both work and personal, both men and women, there are some who I'd hug, some a kiss on the cheek (women only for this one - except a few people in France/Belgium I work with), others whose hand I'd shake every time I see them and others who I'd just greet verbally. Same with female. Never stopped to think about it, or discussed it, just happens.
Maybe the best reason to do this is to practice consent culture in our everyday lives. As it relates to HN readership, consent culture would go a long way in improving the work [and convention] environment for women in technology. I wish more awkward nerds would read up on this.
http://pervocracy.blogspot.com/2012/01/consent-culture.html (this blog might be NSFW)
And the idea that this needs a shift towards "consent culture" is just... weird. Maybe some people can't read, or don't feel comfortable trying to read, the signs as to what will work socially, and if they want to set rules that's fine. I don't have any problem with someone who will only shake hands, or who won't have any physical contact at all - hell, if they want to follow your rule of always asking, I'd feel awkward, but if that's what you prefer then whatever, I'm fine with that. But don't assume everyone needs to follow your rule. For the record I've never asked anyone if they want to have sex, that hasn't lead to me raping anyone.
(Also, the article doesn't suggest you ask everyone before you have sex with them; it's more about being mindful of "is this person really into it, or could I be pressuring them?" If you believe it is impossible for this to happen, think again, as all perception is skewed by personal bias)
[0] Depending on your jurisdiction, the phase of the moon and sufficiently many other things that this message box is too small to list them all.
Nope. I usually know when a hug will be good and I'm ready to be wrong. I'm not going to pussyfoot my way through every slightly-more-intimate interaction I take in this life.
If you were really treating women equally to men, you wouldn't follow a "what's good for one is good for the other" policy. You'd accept that the norms and behaviors of each gender should be held in equal regard, and adapt your own behavior to the person or group of people you're talking with. Acknowledging, in other words, that women have as much right to be in the workplace as men, rather than treating their actions as somehow foreign or alien to the "acceptable" male norms.
I mean, your simple and straightforward logic is the logic that four-year-old boys use when they want to punch girls on the playground and don't feel like being courteous.
After all, punching girls is exactly as appropriate as punching guys.
Gender inequality is almost wholly a social problem, not a biological one. And
Yes. A problem where people find it appropriate for women to hug men but not for men to hug women. A problem where people find it appropriate for women to hug women but not for men to hug men. A problem where people find it appropriate to expect men to hug women. A problem where people find it appropriate for boys punching boys but not for boys punching girls.
You can hardly get any more gender-unequal than that.
For example, I was at a dinner party recently and greeted a female friend with a handshake. She said, "That was formal," and slight awkwardness ensued. When we were leaving I made sure to give her a hug.
If, at the end of dinner, someone had pulled out their wallet and starting putting money on the table to pay for their meal, the awkwardness would have been much more intense.
Edit: just do whatever you do with confidence and a smile. Doesn't really matter after that.
The only strangers I make a point of hugging are Germans, just to freak them out!
But seriously, as long as you greet sincerely with any action, you are highly unlikely to cause offense. Just note their reaction for future reference after.
More importantly is how much personal space you give them after that point. A one-off strange greeting is almost always acceptable; occupying someone's personal space for an extended time is another matter entirely...
Reminds me a post from David Cohen [1] who pointed to Brad Feld on the same topic [2].
Time to wake up that bro courage and start fist-bumping people ;)
With hugging there's always also the dilemma of whether to pat a few times or just a strong hug, so the CPU cycles just drive me mad.
[1] http://www.davidgcohen.com/2012/11/20/not-shaking-hands/
[2] http://www.feld.com/wp/archives/2009/01/im-done-with-handsha...
Two great greetings that go great together!
I'd like to point out here that I'm admitting a bias rather than expressing an opinion.
EDIT: at least now I'm approaching something resembling adulthood I don't have the problem of trying to negotiate on the fly which of the various intricate hiphop style handshakes we're executing. Those were the days...
Any time someone tries to crush my hand I instantly feel apprehensive of them, as you describe. But perhaps some of them don't actually realise how hard they're squeezing.
I bet you also feel awkward when you do try to apply enough strength, but the other person has a stronger than average handshake, which makes you wonder if your two hands would implode if you apply the same or more strength as the other person does.
I grip with what I hope is a sincere level of firmness - as in, "I'm really pleased to be shaking your hand, thank you" - and I'm flummoxed when it feels as though the other person has simply dangled their appendage for me to interact with.
This was a wonderful turn of phrase. It should be in some sales manual or something.
I never, ever initiate hugs at work either. If someone else wants to, I'll go in, but I just don't.
It's odd.
I also know other people with very limp handshakes. I don't mistrust them, but I do think it's weird.
But what I hate are the ALPHA handshakes. Not just firm, but too much squeezing, and trying to turn so their hand is on top. It's calculating and manipulative and just weird. I never know whether to just let them do it; or to let them do it and then turn it when they're lulled into a false sense of security; or whether my entire handshake with them should be a battle of twisting and turning.
In some places a good grasp is more of an indication of attentive communication (as in "I'm listening/ready") than "macho-ism" of any form.
I've rarely seen strong grasps as an indicator of "macho" except in early adulthood/teens, where it's mostly a form of play.
On the contrary, a very flimsy grasp gives you exactly the opposite: the handshake becomes an afterthought.
I'm not trying to match the strength of their shake, just adjust my own. The objective is to make the other person feel more comfortable.
I start with a strength based on some stereotypes (for example, slim women generally have weaker handshakes than big men), but adjust the strength during the shake if I feel my initial strength wasn't right.
Whether this makes the other person actually feel more comfortable is difficult to know, but it makes me feel happy that I've tried.
However, it does mean that I feel a bit sorry for people who have a crushing handshake - what do they think they are doing?
I generally try to match my handshake to the person I'm shaking, but I feel a shiver of disgust when given a limp hand.
I feel the most trust towards someone with a firm, strong grip.
The only handshake I dislike is the one that literally crushes your hand. But those are pretty rare, and distinct from a firm grip.
I don't actually know which handshake style tends to be most popular.
What is your opinion on the opposite? For me that's far more unsettling. I've initiated handshakes with people whose age and home country meant they didn't really have much experience of the Western "firm handshake", always the limp wrist. I don't know whether to shake it, or draw the hand to my lips as courting a princess. Which, I assume, was not one in your repertoire of "intricate hiphop style handshakes".
Jokes aside, more than one family member had felt it important to instruct me in the art of a good handshake as a matter of gentlemanly conduct from a young age, even long after I'd obviously "got it", and I distinctly recall one of my friends suddenly in his mid-20s going from a pathetic one to a really decent powergrip apparently because his boss had told him after a promotion that he ought to work on his handshake. I say this in defense of the one who "actively squeezes", as it may not be macho-signaling so much as over-correction for their past dead fish.
[1] http://youtu.be/HQmBJONo5_E?t=16m47s
I've only ever experienced this with peers who I know well, and I actually find there's a pleasant intimacy to it. It would definitely be weird if it happened in a formal context though.
Btw I loved your original comment in both style and content, hence my riffing. One of those if-I-could-upvote-twice circumstances.
[1] When someone says "opposite" draw a reasonable hyperplane and reflect.
Don't be so sure. I'm in my 40s and run into this from time to time with informal settings, with full-grown adult males.
I've been in a situation where my girlfriend's friends do neither: they do the air cheek kiss thing. Its really confusing because I'm never sure if they are coming in for a hug or an air cheek kiss. Its hard to try to 'take charge' and initiate something otherwise because I start to feel like I'm about to be rude by doing something different and get more awkward.
Its nice to know I'm not the only one with this kind of issue.
If you act awkwardly or second-guess, it'll be awkward. If you end up in one of those weird situations where you half handshake and half kiss or confuse kissing sides and somehow brush lips, just laugh it off. "Well, I screwed that up!"
(I'm in Australia.)