Ask HN: I can't think straight, my life is in limbo, and I want to end it now

File for unemployment. Find another job. If you are a developer, you will find a new job in a snap.

You would probably benefit from working all of this through with a shrink. And no, I'm not part of those who believe shrinks are for crazy people.

EDIT: We think we make "mistakes". In reality, they are not mistakes - they are simply the things we logically had to do, given our initial genetic equipment combined with the environment we were born into (everything else is just a logical consequence of these 2). So there's no shame to be had or judgment to be made (judgment is something only uneducated people use).

EDIT 2: If you're feeling depressed, you may also benefit from adequate medication (but you need a shrink to evaluate this point). It can lift you onto a whole new level you may have forgotten it exists.

EDIT 3: And don't forget that every human being has an inherent value which is the same for everyone. You are worth exactly as much as Bill Gates or the slum kid. All the other judgments we make regarding ourselves are just artificial constructs.

EDIT 4: "You would probably benefit" was an error: You will definitely benefit!

You need to talk to someone. I don't mean you need to talk to a psychologist, you simply need to talk to someone now. There are many here on this site who have felt despair like you.

Go here: http://www.suicideprevention.ca/in-crisis-now/find-a-crisis-...

Find the number that is most appropriate for your part of BC and call it.

Your first two mistakes don't sound like errors to me, they sound like they were things done out of love for your mother. You have a heart. Your third 'mistake' only looks like a mistake now: life is long.

You sound like you have a Narcissistic parent, you sound like me no too far in time, this is a phase, don't do something stupid.

Read this, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_parent check this subreddit http://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/ and call a help line or talk to some stranger in a park.

Please talk to someone, get help with a shrink.

Call 604.872.3311 or 1.800.SUICIDE or go to http://youthinbc.com/about-us/contact-us/ for online chat.

2 weeks ago I was in a similar situation. I had suicidal thoughts, and was deeply depressed. I've had suicidal thoughts before, but I had never actually planned my own death before. It felt like there was someone else in my head and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't get the voice to stop beating me up. I was losing it. It felt like who I am was being stripped away from me. I was fine one day and the next I just lost it. I immediately looked for help, and rallied a support group. I went to a psychologist who then talked to my doctor and got me on anti-depressants. By the end of the first day I took my medication I felt 100x better. Turns out I might have been born with low serotonin levels. I had been diagnosed with depression at 17 but ignored it (now 28).

I know you might feel lost right now but you cant give up. Stay positive and seek help. It will get better I promise.

First off, Knock it off; Your life isn't a joke, I can guarantee you that.

Second, I can offer you some advice that may or may not be helpful. My father had years of familial strife and issues with his father, brothers, and step mother. One day, after a lot of careful thought, he sat his father down, and told him that he wasn't going to be part of the strife and silly games anymore. My father gave his father a phone number and said "I'll do everything I can to keep this phone number. If you ever really want to talk this stuff out, you can call."

It took about 20 years and a terminal case of brain cancer, but the phone call came. And more importantly, in those 20 years, my father was able to focus on building a family and a career of his own, free of the pettiness, bickering, and abuse of his own family. It's hard to draw a line in the sand and set boundaries. It's hard to admit that a person you love will never give you the praise or acceptance you want so bad from them.

If you do accept it though, and you do draw a line in the sand, I bet you're going to be much better off for it.

When I was really depressed I thought it would be just another failure if I talked to anyone about it. You're very brave.

I noticed you didn't post contact info. If you decide to I'll talk to you. Maybe we could talk to someone more specialized as well if you want to.

You have options! If you need to talk to someone call the BC Crisis Line @ 1-800-784-2433 [1]. I have called it on behalf of someone before and they are extremely understanding. You can also go to a walk in medical clinic and they can give you a referral to talk to someone.

Unemployment can be a tough spot when you have obligations, trust me, I have been unemployed too, you are not alone in this fight! BC is a beautiful place to live, and there are plenty of jobs in the lower mainland. I'm not sure where you are, but in Vancouver, you can check out bctia.org Tech Jobs section [2], there are 1215 listings. If you live on Vancouver Island, check out Viatec's Job Listings [3].

I would suggest you call the crisis line and also apply for the BC Employment and Assistance program [4], which will likely help you cover your house payment while you look for work. If your mother is unable to work then you would look at getting assistance for her too.

Also, keep your options open, there are lots of day labor places which you can just show up in the morning and get paid cash. It's summer, so landscaping is an option, etc. There are lots of jobs outside of IT which will help you cover your costs. Constructions is also an option. You can almost walk onto a site if you have boots and a hardhat.

[1] http://www.crisislines.bc.ca/

[2] http://www.bctia.org/Resources/BC-Tech-Jobs

[3] http://www.viatec.ca/job-board/results

[4] http://www.eia.gov.bc.ca/publicat/bcea/BCEA.htm

It sounds like you have a lot of upside. You're smart enough for law school and a good enough programmer to get hired by a company.

Now you're going through a down cycle in your life. That's only natural. What you need now is to identify what resources are available to you. Find your safety net: are you eligible for employment insurance? Social assistance? Where is the local food bank?

Identify what you may need and start making phone calls and visits.

Your situation isn't much different than a severe storm warning. You know a storm is imminent. You need to calmly and purposefully make preparations. Bunker down. You'll survive and be wiser for it.

Given your ID, I know you probably won't see my reply. But still, here's my 2¢'s worth:

> I have entered this world unknown to all except 2 people, both of who do not care if I existed or not.

Why exactly is that relevant? Your life can be worthwhile for you, whether or not anyone else knows about it. If you got to eat the best meal ever, would it taste any worse to you if no one else knew about it?

> soon I plan to leave this apartment and just walk.

Sounds good to me. I mean... the ending of toxic relationships. Do take care of yourself.

I am so sorry you're going through this. Remember, you can always procrastinate ending it all, and do it later while you examine other options.

There is a community at DevPressed[1] of developers who struggle with depression.

I am a developer and gave a talk on my struggle with depression and the greater issue of Developers and Depression [2]. Email me if you'd like to chat - greg at baugues.com

1. http://www.devpressed.com

2. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yFIa-Mc2KSk

One essential skill in life is knowing how to deal with losses. Ever notice how you play hard when you are behind in any game, but if you fall from the top you feel like quitting? That's where you are right now, so it's actually a good sign. You are in a great career field and managed to buy a home. That's ahead of many people already. Recognize that you are actually ahead, and you can fight back from any loss. When you take a break from the game, you realize you can climb back up just as easily.

In your case, you just need to fix your mistakes. First, find another job. Second, decide whether you can afford your house. Losing it is not the end. If it was a mistake, cut it out and lose the stress.

DO NOT LET YOUR HOME BE AN EMOTIONAL INVESTMENT. The fact is, it was not right for you, and not right now. Your mother deserves the best but she would much rather see you happy. Losing a house is nothing compared to losing you.

Bottom line, you feel like you are losing, but you are actually very much ahead. Don't let yourself go, because you actually have much further to fall than you think. Just fix your mistakes and move on.

Man, I'd like to let you to know something: it's not about how fucked up you are, but how you deal with it.

Just to begin, I live in the third world and you live the life I wish I could.

So, you can get a job somewhere else. Do it. Now, let's put some focus on your life: YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING.

I have quit my job also but I got my shit straight by doing college and shit, even though I'm from a poor family and all my class had more money and 'happiness' than me.

You know what? Happiness comes from the inside, from the outlook you have of life. If you created this post right here, right now, that can only mean a good thing: you are striving for the best. I've been suicidal for a long time in my life and thats because I was trying, you know. It was hard as hell, but that made me hard, and this is what you become once you go over all those problems, everything will look small.

I spent half my life feeling suicidal, and I'm talking daily graphic suicidal fantasies.

But something I heard once stuck. "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem", and I made it my mantra. And you know what? Eventually life got better and now it's fucking awesome. There is always a chance of that, unless of course you kill yourself, and then you miss out on all that future joy.

I have had some worse situations, friends leaving, people dying in the family one by one struggling to find a job, finding acceptance and so on. I just began to think in the same way. Think about your mother and about the bright future, not on your past, start afresh. Even Gold has to go through fire to prove its purity. Just wait for things to fall into place and hustle, life will be awesome soon.

You are good to be rid of your shitty job. Nobody should have to work 80-hour weeks (unless there is a good reason, but generally there isn't) or put up a boss who thinks you aren't committed to your work because you haven't updated your friggin linkedin profile.

Also, home ownership isn't everything its cracked up to be. I live in BC as well, and I currently rent. I used to own a home in Alberta, but sold it when we moved. We realised that renting is generally cheaper than owning (when you add the fees and cost of having the capital tied up), and a lot less responsibility. In many places in BC (Vancouver, Victoria) owning a home is financially nonsensical.

Thirdly, it's time for you to start thinking about yourself as well as your Mother. It's good that you care about her, but sometimes you can burn yourself out by doing too much for other people and not enough for yourself. What good will it do your mother if you stress yourself out so much that you kill yourself?

Im in BC too, would be happy to chat, just msg me or reply to this comment with a way to reach you, what do you have to lose? =)

You started your post with "I can't think straight", and I think that is something you can maybe focus on. You realise you are not thinking straight, you realise your life is in limbo. Those are not reasons to end it, rather they are reasons to get your thinking straight. As many others have mentioned, there is help available to you, particularly in Vancouver.

I responded to your previous post about your PM, and I'm sorry to hear that didn't work out. Don't give him and the company the satisfaction of knowing they beat you. You're not done, you've still got work to do in this world.

There are MANY, MANY people far worse off than you at this moment, and they're pushing through, and fighting for something better. You're not alone, things will get better, as long as you stick it out, and know that you can.

Get your thinking straight, get out of limbo. You don't need a job or degree to define you. You don't need a father or family to know you exist. Your mother clearly knows you exist, and I suspect she needs you. What will happen to her without you.

Didn't Steve Jobs also not have a relationship with his father? Did that stop him?

If you received a full scholarship to law school, then you must have a good head on your shoulders.

Talk to someone, keep your chin up.

Contact that law school and explain you needed to provide for you mom and see if they will let you in now! I have no idea if something like that would exist but doesn't hurt to explore it.

Assuming this isn't some kind of juvenile troll, you just wrote like 9 paragraphs of English prose without any obvious spelling or grammar mistakes... that puts you in the top 1% of people that can write. That's something.

Here, listen to this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E-WHW-QNswE

There, fixed it.

One more thing:

If you do suffer from depression (and it sounds like it), you also need to know the following about it, before doing anything else:

Depression happens when your brain doesn't have enough neurotransmitters, such as serotonine, dopamine and some others (= some chemicals).

Where does that come from?

It can be a genetic predisposition and it can be your life circumstances (such as toxic people, toxic work conditions, a couple of "bad habits" or emotionally heavy events in your life) and often it's a very individual cocktail of those things.

But the take-away is this: In the end, it all comes down to A FEW MOLECULES IN YOUR BRAIN that are (temporarily) missing and that COMPLETELY WARP your vision of things. In other words: your brain is lying to you! How can you make the right decisions with that? You simply can't. And nobody can judge you for that.

You now probably see why taking one's life is not necessary, when you can correct the issue with meds almost instantly (within a few hours) and then get your shrink to help you back on track for the long term.

Your life is not a joke. You've sacrificed tremendously to help someone who doesn't even seem to appreciate it. Your desire to sacrifice repeatedly for someone else is incredibly meaningful and rare - and such actions are far from mistakes. Empathy and compassion are the essence of meaning and you have an incredible ability to provide this love even when it is not reciprocated. Someone who lives this way could never be a joke.

You deserve happiness and you deserve to have your tremendous compassion recognized and returned in kind. I hope you will be able to put yourself in an environment that is free of negative individuals, because anyone lucky enough to be exposed to your tremendous selflessness could not help themselves but to respond with love and appreciation.

There are some good answers and advice in the comments here. One thing that appears to have been missed is - there is an underlying issue that you may or may not have identified yet which will have a major impact on your psyche. Being rejected by a parent is one of the most soul-crushing things that can happen to a person. Our sense of self worth and our relationships with others is largely defined by our relationship with our parents ... the one people who are supposed to love us unconditionally.

I have seen its impact on friends and family, and it remains as a major influencer all throughout life if not addressed. I recommend speaking to a specialist about this.

I'm up in mackenzie brushing minimum wage, sometimes less, it is piecework; nothing like physical labour, to motivate yourself. We've got work till Aug 12. You will be stung by hornets everyday and we work from 4am till 3 PM. There is a significant cost outlay to get a brushing saw, so I don't recommend this job. 25 bucks a day camp cost. Treeplanters and brushers pretty chill. Just in case you don't have enough hours for ei.

Edit-- also fathers don't really matter that much, for happy lives.

https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=5721653