Ask HN: Have I wasted my college years by commuting?
Hey guys, I've been struggling with enjoying college (I'm currently a junior) because, long story short, I commute and didn't take the chance to transfer to another university. In high school I applied to 4 places and got rejected from Cornell and ended up going to a State University that I lived across the street from (quite literally...I can see the university from my house). I'm in my 3rd year and I feel I just didn't have the same experiences as my peers did by living on campus and enjoying the entire package. I have no problems being social and attending events but I haven't found that one thing in college that makes me feel like I'm part of something bigger than myself (if you know what I mean). My freshman year was plagued by the inability to drive to campus so I walked but I tried my best to talk to people in my classes (people like me). I joined various clubs but the spark wasn't there (Biochemistry club was close but I'm not in Biochemistry anymore---One person in there was in the same situation yet he's doing very well in terms of enjoying his college life). Then I thought about joining a fraternity but I'm not sure if that would jive well with me (I'm a commuter so that raises eyebrows from on campus folk in a fraternity). I'm afraid of leaving college without a substantial change in personality from high school. I'd like to reinvent myself because I don't want to be the same guy I was in high school.
13 comments
[ 3.4 ms ] story [ 38.6 ms ] threadSome people are somehow able to naturally fit into the college life even though they commute. Other people just don't, and need the continuous hustle of the dorm life to really feel like they are learning something about how people live and interact. You just might be one of the latter.
I don't know...I guess I'm sad that my parents were against dorming since I lived so close. I try to get over the fact that I commute because I feel like I can do something for myself even if I am in this situation. I'll go through these periods in my life where I feel inadequate, dealt bad cards, and didn't take the chance to leave even when my GPA was fantastic. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate myself but all I have are grades and some great conversations with professors. Still...
Mind if I ask where you went to college? What are you doing now?
My advice is probably exactly what you'd expect a reasonable, more adult and "mature" person on the internet whom you've never met say: don't do anything drastic. Finish your college at home, maintain your GPA, see if you can maybe land a job, local or remote, while you are still in school so that you have some money ready to be at your disposal once you graduate. As soon as you graduate, move your ass to a major city that is an epicenter of whatever your career happens to be, and live in a cool neighborhood with lots of other recent grads. Hopefully there will already be people you may know - maybe from high school, maybe from college - this will be your starting point for a social circle. Or if not - there's always meetup.com and okcupid.com
Good luck, and don't worry about missed opportunities. I've missed ten times as many more opportunities in my twenties as I did during college. If I had spent a lot of time thinking about all the things I missed out on in life, I'd probably put a bullet into myself a long time ago.
When you graduate from college, it's a whole whole different ball game. Most people lose touch with their friends from college, regardless of whether they dormed or not. Everyone gets a job at a boring Corp. Everyone eventually stops partying until 1 AM in the morning. Everyone eventually starts worrying about paying the rent, and all the "adult" things... trust me, by the time you graduated, everyone starts from Step 1.
Now go build a startup, so you can got an escape hatch after you graduate ^_^
Let's suppose the equation is
(baseline commuter alienation)*(personal response factor) + (cabin fever) = ):
First term is difficult to change (moving on campus might not make financial sense or that much of a difference if it's still your hometown); but dealing with the second term can be super doable both logistically and financially. Just make sure you have a structured plan of what to do, that you'll be around other people, and that you have a fixed date & plan for coming back to college. You're not dropping out, just ducking in and out really quick for some air.
In addition, you might be surprised, 5 terms of college isn't necessarily too late to transfer. It just depends on the target school in question and how the credits work out.
Good luck, unknown internet buddy!
What a fraternity gives as opposed to clubs is the opportunity for unstructured types of social interaction. A fraternity house is where you can just hang out with whoever's around, rather than being always oriented on the tasks and projects of a club.
I wasn't the same guy after college as after high school, a change almost entirely induced by the fraternity. A Greek house is a fantastic opportunity to learn open-ended leadership roles and break out of the task-assignment structure of academia and business grunt work.
Whether commuting can work depends a lot on the particular fraternity, of course. Mine has always had a fair few commuters. It's not quite the same as living in the house, but with effort to show up and be around and involved, commuters can get a pretty good experience as well. It's not too late to join. The relationships and experience will stay with you after graduation.
I think most fraternities at most schools do rush for both fall and spring semesters, though of course the particulars will vary.
I'd say more than anything else, focus on making real friends, and hit that hard. It doesn't matter what the manner is that you encounter them; one of my best friends from one era of my life I met because he got food at the job I worked at. Others were from classes. Reach out to people whenever you can, and see if you can take a genuine interest in them.
How much did you spend on accommodations? If you commuted, the answer should be zero. In four years, someone who paid for a dorm racked up a 40K tab.
I commuted and yes, I did not have the "animal house" experience. I made up for commuting by joining a lot of activities - archery, squash, karate, etc. Met some fantastic people who weren't in CS - still in touch with some of these folks a decade after school.
Key insight ... save every penny.