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Ask HN: How do you say 'no'?

6 points by almosnow ↗ HN
There's a close acquaintance that repeatedly invites me to go to one of his religious meetings.

I don't want to go because I don't have the adequate time nor interest to engage with extraneous religious activities. For the record, I'm not one of those fedora-wearing know-it-all atheists, I'm just really not interested and I think that going there will be just a waste for both of us' time.

I haven't found a way to no to him. I know that the only and inevitable solution is to firmly say no to him and that should be enough if we were living on an utopical world; on the real world, however, people have feelings and sometimes expect things from others and saying 'no' will probably put you in the position of 'the asshole' and damage your relationship with that person, which is something that I'm trying to avoid.

How do you usually deal with these kind of issues?

12 comments

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parallelist
Just say "Not really my sort of thing, thanks." but sound like you mean it. Don't give off the impression you are embarrassed to turn him down, that makes it seem like it is a big deal and it isn't. Just say it like it isn't a problem. If he keeps asking--although I'm willing to bet he won't--keep responding in that same way. After a while he's the one being rude, not you.
DanBC
"Thanks for inviting me, but I'm really not interested. I do appreciate the offer though. Hey, have you asked Bob?" (where Bob is some other random acquaintance.)

People with visible scaring learn a few techniques to stop inquisitive people from asking too much. So, you acknowledge the request. You then quickly, clearly, firmly, decline the invitation. And then you move on.

For scars the format is something like "Oh, I was in an accident. It was traumatic, and I don't like talking about it. Thanks for the concern! But I'm fine now. Hey, what's that?"

Evangelists have a lot of rejection, some of it quite rude, and so this firm but polite rejection should be fine.

throwmeaway2525
My suggestion is to simply tell the complete and honest truth, in a kind and caring manner (if you value the friendship, you could let him know that).

Every choice has a cost.

RogerL
"It's really not for me, and I'd while I'm happy that you want my participation I'd appreciate it if you would stop continue inviting me because I hate having to say no to you"
LukasYla
Just say him "No", true friends should understand it ;)
meerita
You want the polite version or the version i normally give to these?
almosnow
Give me both!
meerita
Polite: Sorry, but I have more important things to do.

Bro: Oh!, come on XXXXXX! You know I don't give a fuck about religion. Don't invite me anymore to go there. Tonite I will play with my PS4, you're invited! (bring beers)

CassieTFC
I would say (and have said), "No that's just not for me. But appreciate the offer."
hvass
Use "don't" instead of "can't". Works wonders, trust me. There was actually an article on Lifehacker regarding this.

"Sorry, I don't do x."

Doesn't fit all situations, but for a lot of invitations it works wonders: restaurants/movies/concerts/meetings etc.

You can get creative: "I don't do x with friends" if it's a business project. :-)