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Ask HN: Emotion hacks? How do you work despite crummy love/life things going on?

51 points by m_ ↗ HN
Have you had slow-to-resolve real life problems that made it emotionally difficult to focus on your job, startup, or coding?

What techniques did you find to make it easier to focus despite the problems? (e.g. looming divorce, girlfriend breaking-up, death in the family, loss of great friends, etc.)

Obviously it's important to deal with those things in your own full way to heal/resolve them, but the practical matter is that you've got to get some things done during that process, too. What tricks do you use?

81 comments

[ 4.9 ms ] story [ 174 ms ] thread
ashishk
I try to take care of myself in fundamental ways. Like eating well, exercising, and sleeping on time.

I've found having control of basic things provides a deep sense of security.

symstym
I second this. I can't relate the the part about a sense of security, but I've found that it's very important to "take care of myself", in whatever form. For me that often means cleaning my apartment, taking care of business I've been procrastinating on, etc. Those are concrete, actionable tasks that are guaranteed to make me feel better, even if only a little bit. At work, I similarly try to focus on specific small tasks if possible, to keep my mind off of things.
jsolson
100% agreement on cleaning my apartment. I find this is the single most useful thing I can do in terms of my day-to-day emotional health.
PStamatiou
Definitely! I feel more productive when there is less clutter in my real life as such clutter seems to translate to mental clutter for me. That's why when PG wrote his essay a while back called Stuff (i think?), and I was in the middle of moving, I chunked/sold/gave away a lot of the stuff I hadn't touched in a while. Unfortunately I moved to a larger place so I had to buy more stuff to fill it up, sigh.
lunaru
I'll second the cleaning - particularly around my desk and work area. Nothing gets me more productive than a clean desk. Nothing gets me more frustrated and distracted than a bunch of papers lying around.
rjurney
I've always channeled my emotions during times like that into workaholism. It may not be the healthiest way to address problems, but at least you get output from your angst :)

Just be aware: you'll have to deal with the emotions directly sometime.

mechanical_fish
A tough one. The one time I remember having a problem like this, I wasn't exactly tasked with doing programming at work. So I solved my problem by turning to hacking! I did nothing but Perl for weeks. A rather productive time of my life, actually. Fortunately my boss was very pleased with all the code I wrote.

Try this: Change your work environment. Move to a different office. Work at the library or the coffeeshop. This is normally not a good thing for your productivity -- what you generally want to do is establish productive habits, and encourage them by keeping your environment consistent and allowing it to cue those habits. But being surrounded by familiar things might be distracting at a time when they tend to dredge up feelings of unhappiness.

There was a time when simply walking down a particular street would fill me with dread. Emotions are cued to places. Fortunately I'm much better now.

This may be why we're always telling people who are feeling burnt out to take a vacation and travel somewhere.

drawkbox
Music while coding, westerns/zombie/scifi epic movies while doing smaller tedious tasks, get some gaming in maybe some L4D (important to have fun on your workstation).

Also, be sure to setup and knock down many tasks and todos that feel complete, smaller tasks for quick accomplishment. Game design your projects.

This applies to all slow downs, could even just be related to a long project or a moment you might not feel as hopeful.

Also get outside a bit and be cool to yourself, it is pretty much just you for the long haul anyways.

gtani
You need to communicate your situation to family/friends, make yourself not feel isolated. Many people feeling anxiety and depression think they're the only ones they know, whereas many people are vulnerable. And when i see people prone to chemical dependencies or extreme behaviors, i urge them to seek counseling.

One thing that helps me is multiple 5-15 minute exercise breaks over the day. You can walk up a hill or a couple flights of stairs or do yoga poses or pilates things.

ljlolel
I agree 100%. Ubuntu has a program built into gnome that forces you to take breaks.

Go to Keyboard preferences > Typing Break. I set it to 10 minutes of work / 5 minute break. I can focus more, take short breaks to get things done (eat, brush my teeth, clean), and get more done than I do if I just stare at a screen for an hour straight.

effektz
I'd say find a creative outlet, if that's hacking then so be it, but if it's writing or painting or just drawing for a couple of hours it can help to get things off your chest and clear your mind. That way when you're ready to work your mind won't be as distracted with these other problems.
lisper
Focus on the positive: are you healthy? Have enough to eat? Have hot and cold running water? A roof over your head? Air conditioning? Those thing alone make you better off than most of the people on the planet.
kareemm
sleep. exercise. eat healthily. spent time with great friends.

most importantly, put time aside to spend dealing with the emotions that come up. don't bottle them up. they will be expressed in destructive ways when you least expect it.

see a therapist if necessary; having someone help you get through growth roadblocks is the best money you will ever spend.

realize that whatever you're dealing with will eventually pass, despite being difficult to deal with now.

and know that there are no hacks for emotions. difficult times need to run their course and the best way to cope is to process your emotions.

good luck and know that we've all been there... dealing with difficult issues is a more challenging part of the human experience, but it also presents great opportunities for growth.

byrneseyeview
most importantly, put time aside to spend dealing with the emotions that come up. don't bottle them up. they will be expressed in destructive ways when you least expect it.

Does this really happen? If you spend much time with military veterans, you notice that they have way more self-control than the average person, even though they've also been through more than the average person. Is this because the military attracts very emotionally controlled people, or because exercising such control strengthens it?

philwelch
Anecdotal evidence here, but while they seem self-controlled--and are very disciplined--a lot of them also have unresolved anger issues.
byrneseyeview
unresolved anger issues.

Is there any way to distinguish those from "Not being as psychologically damaged as I'd like."?

philwelch
You think I'd like anyone I care about to be psychologically damaged just for the sake of some damned theory you think I'm invested in? What kind of an asshole do you think I am?

I'm not going to get into personal business in public, especially not under my real name. Suffice it to say that I've known someone very closely who probably could have dealt with his feelings better than repressing them.

Of course, denial is a form of repression, so he'd probably agree with you that he wasn't that badly affected. And some people aren't badly affected by things (though personally, I've found that personal trauma in my life does tend to upset my emotional balance in unpredictable ways).

ismarc
The emotional experiences while in the military force a different method of coping rather than just bottling everything up. It's more like the emotions are just pushed to the side and dealt with later. There's a large number of soldiers who bottle them up and snap. Most, however, end up pushing them to the side because the "now" is more important. Once the "now" is over, and others' lives aren't in your hands, you can take the time to deal with the emotions. It's been 5 years since I got out, but it's still the same. I can push them to the side, deal with the now, and deal with the emotions when it's not going to impact every day life. The longer you wait, the worse it is and longer it takes, and there's probably a point where you really will snap, but it's a decidedly longer threshold.
JimmyL
I would guess - and I'm not a psychologist - that their training has a lot to do with it. A large part of the boot camp experience is about breaking down how new recruits think, and reforming that process into one that goes well with the military mission. They're also regularly evaluated on their mental state, and a large part of the culture is about being able to bottle up most "soft" emotions. So they're very well-trained about how to bury their emotions, and how to deal with the implications of that.

Having said that, I think your comment glosses over the high rates of depression, divorce, alcoholism, and mental illness represented in the veteran community. It's all there - it's just often (especially in the last case) well-hidden, as a part of the military ethos.

Everyone deals with emotions, even (and especially) military people. They're just much better-trained than you are about how to deal with/delay dealing with it.

byrneseyeview
I would guess that it's not just the training. The idea of "trauma" causing someone problems later in life is a fairly modern one -- and whether it's a discovery or invention is an open question.

the high rates of depression, divorce, alcoholism, and mental illness represented in the veteran community.

Source? I'm thinking Korea and WWII; Vietnam is an outlier, because of the amount of cheap heroin.

TomOfTTB
It's really neither

The military makes no secret about "breaking down their recruits" and then "rebuilding them as soldiers" (to use their language). What that entails is using whatever means necessary to form a habit of discipline. Because when you're disclpined you do the simple things on auto pilot. Things like pay bills and clean your living space.

If people in the military seem more emotionally controlled it's because they can marshal all their mental resources to deal with whatever emotional challenge comes their way. They don't have the added distractions of "did I pay the electric bill this month?" or "I have to do that thing at work that I've been procrastinating on"

In other words, they have the same capacity as everyone else but they are trained to live a life that eliminates as many distractions as possible.

Finally, for those who have already commented about military vets bottling stuff up and exploding I'd offer this insight. All the military's methods can do for a person is elminiate distractions so big problems can be dealt with. If a person still decides to ignore those problems the results will be disasterous just like they would be in any other person.

bootload
"... Men may perceive women to be inferior when it comes to emotion. But like the second law of thermodynamics, all that built up emotion is going to leak out some time in the future. So in the long run, I think women have an edge over men dealing with emotion. But in the short term it is men who edge women out with self control. There is a downside here. Apply too much control and you might emotionally overheat and become brittle when you cool down leaving yourself open to cracking. Hard objects become brittle and crack under stress. ..." ~ http://seldomlogical.com/2009/04/21/getting-stuff-done-with-... [4] on Fear.

Highly 'emotionally controlled people' crack, but not straight away. Maybe years down the track. So spending time with old mil-vets might be a different story.

Devilboy
Yes it's not that simple. Even today some anger management therapists will suggest that you hit a pillow or something to let your anger out. This is actually really bad because it links those feelings to getting physically angry - you're conditioning yourself to respond to anger with physical outbursts.

It's not at all clear that 'don't bottle them up' is generally good advice.

philwelch
False dichotomy--there are other alternatives than lashing out physically or "bottling up" your feelings. "Bottling up" generally refers to going into denial and emotionally repressing yourself. Sometimes just sitting and thinking about something calmly helps. Sometimes distracting yourself, or creating distance can help. But pretending everything is okay doesn't seem to be a winning strategy.
Devilboy
Sometimes distracting yourself, or creating distance can help.

That sounds like 'bottling up' to me though? I think we agree in principle, I just don't think 'don't bottle up your feelings' is the best way to describe these strategies.

scott_s
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder is also experienced by a high percentage of combat veterans.
gruseom
Does this really happen?

Does this count?

Another soldier, Staff Sgt. Daniel Shannon, told CBS that his PTSD changed him completely. "I started smashing furniture, very rapidly; so I didn’t know what I was doing ‘til it happened. I’d get mad so fast, so angry fast, and just lash out." (http://www.thecommentfactory.com/irregular-army-the-prevalen...)

It only takes a bit of googling to find all sorts of information on suicide, substance abuse, domestic violence, and so on, in the military. Here's a pretty compelling and sad story:

http://www.boston.com/news/nation/articles/2007/02/11/told_t...

The problem has gotten so bad that the US military has embarked on programs to try to destigmatize therapy and to convince soldiers to do something about suicidal mates.

So yes, obviously this stuff really happens.

Edit: as it happens, NPR led with a story tonight about violence and mental illness among veterans: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=1067890....

byrneseyeview
I don't doubt that people flip out. I don't even doubt that thousands of people among the millions who served in the military have flipped out.

What I'm wondering about is whether otherwise undamaged people who repress their emotions eventually go nuts, or whether people who control their emotions end up in control of their emotions.

People who eat small portions generally don't suddenly devour a turkey. People who only have one drink a night one night a month don't suddenly become alcoholics. Self-control doesn't necessarily mean that a problem compounds; it can be the solution to a problem, instead.

gruseom
Unless I'm missing your point, the argument seems circular: if someone "flips out" then they must have been "damaged" in the first place.

Aren't emotions part of being human? Long-term negation of one's being isn't likely to have zero consequences. I think a better analogy might be sex, repression of which certainly does mean that a problem compounds, at least for most people. But this discussion is possibly too abstract to be resolvable.

kareemm
> What I'm wondering about is whether otherwise undamaged people who repress their emotions eventually go nuts, or whether people who control their emotions end up in control of their emotions.

imho the opposite of repressing one's emotions is not controlling them; it's bottling them up.

to me, controlling one's emotions means feeling the pain, happiness, sorrow, anger, whatever, and then choosing how you want to act based on feeling that emotion. most people assume that emotion dictates behavior, but you always have a choice about how to react. i.e. you can feel the sting when someone insults you, but you can choose not to punch him even though you're feeling hurt.

bottling up one's emotions, otoh, represses them. you choose to ignore (usually negative) emotions. these are the ones that tend to come up in destructive ways later on.

thras
Cocaine and hookers.
Devilboy
"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me."

-- Hunter S. Thompson

neilk
Slightly tangential, but I had this thought the other day. In our industry, shutting oneself into a room with a computer and being alone with our own thoughts is considered functional and praiseworthy. I think a lot of my most productive colleagues deal with almost everything in life by diving deep down in this mode. Is this really a good thing?
HalcyonMuse
So long as one has options, I think it's okay. A few years ago, I was at the point where I was going into this "deep down" mode daily because social interaction just wasn't very accessible to me, and I got pretty depressed.

I've read recently about extreme social deprivation (like solitary in prison) and I've begun to wonder a bit about similarities.

vaksel
Learn to cope faster. You can't change the past, so there is no reason to dwell on coulda/shoulda. Cut your losses, learn from the experience and move on with your life.
jackdawjack
Working hard helps, but if your job is anything like mine (grad student) inevitably work can be quite an emotional/mental challenge in and of itself which may or may not help. So i tend to turn to exercise, running hard with music is akin to meditation for me, the physical pain forces everything else out of my head. At the end of a good workout i'm buzzed from the endorphins and often i find that i've unconsciously/subconsciously come to some useful realisation. Personally at least i think my unconscious (if that's a thing) deals with problems far more effectively than my voluntary thought processes. it just needs some peace to get on with it
sid
It really depends on your problem and the situation your in. Sometimes you cant, there are some nagging problems that can not be left and should not be ignored. I guess these things are more along the side of family and health (for me anyway).

You shouldnt start a startup if you have to address family or serious health problems with you or anyone close because they need your full attention.

However for any other problem, girlfriend issues, money problems, loss of friends, yes they are hard but can be overcome with strong will. It depends on your priority, i value family and health over anything else so i can choose to ignore the others if i need to focus.

Im really close to finishing my startup now after about a solid 1 year of un relenting work, curve balls and problems, with day job, with startup and other things personal. During the last year i could probably say that i faced 3 problems that were quite difficult to ignore however they did not directly concern my health and not directly my family (god bless) so i keep going.

There are 24 hours in the day and you just need to tell yourself that after 3 hours of getting angry or wollowing or whatever you do, it gets you no where, but 3 hours of work gets you a step closer to how you see yourself in the future which can also be something you value.

You can even trick yourself into thinking that where you see yourself in the future is a future you without some of the problems you may be having now. The approach i guess is to take a completly robotic and logical approach and kind of dehumanize some aspects that arent that important cause if you let everything get to you then you wont get anything done, not even the basic day to day things.

The side effect of this is if you dont make it (even though you poured everything in) you need to be ready so you get into a state of depression.

Its all about iron will , specially when life throws you curve balls. Good thing is, if you get through it, you will become a much stronger person.

Having said that, take time off once in a while cause even though i take a robotic approach (as sometimes its the only way) im not a robot :)

b0k0n0n
What a coincidence—I'm going through this right now. The night my boyfriend broke up with me (two days ago) I differentiated equations until 4 a.m. Now I'm working on inductive logic and doing my best to stay off of e-mail and facebook.

I use other outlets such as reading and exercising, but I've found mathematics' abstraction to be the most helpful. Reading books brings up motifs and messages and content that calls certain memories to mind; diving into math allows transcendence.

darkxanthos
I would give my left nut for a woman who understands half of what you just said. Rebound? ;)

EDIT: (BTW that's also to say some guys just don't know what they've got till they don't. You'll land on your feet, you'll see.)

swolchok
reminder: "hackers" and "gay people" are not disjoint sets, so mentioning a boyfriend doesn't imply femininity (not gay; recently made a public mistake of this nature).
darkxanthos
Touché... I'm an optimist I guess!
b0k0n0n
haha..good guess though—I am female.
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darkxanthos
haha! w00t hit me up: darkxanthos at gmail dot com

My life would be improved ten fold by knowing a woman with interests like yours even if just as friends.

EDIT: Also it's email how badly could I possibly stalk you?

mahmud
I really admire your brash confidence. It's that kind of self-centered attitude and utter disregard for social norms that will ultimately make you a very successful Man. Apply that persistance to business and you will be one very well-off bonehead :-)

Cheers!

darkxanthos
umm... Thank you..? You have confused me and caused me to literally laugh out loud. Regardless of your intentions, awesome comment.
swolchok
Assuming your post is meant to be sardonic: There is an established school of thought that says that that sort of thing has a high likelihood of impressing women.
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bkrausz
HN dating-site spinoff anyone?
frossie
I don't think the world needs "Ruby babe in search of Django framework" :-)

That said, if those two get together they should let the rest of us know.

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sutro
Friendly tip: when picking someone up, don't lead with your left (or right) testicle. If things go well, those can be introduced at a later time.
darkxanthos
Don't hate the player vato! Also a friendly tip for you: If you do find yourself leading in with a reference to a left or right nut do NOT call it your left or right testicle.

WAY too detailed a picture.

wglb
I have used this technique in the past and call it Diversionary Therapy.
9oliYQjP
I have a tendency to dwell on a negative situation, which I've learned, quite painfully, is possibly the worst thing to do. So whenever something comes along that wipes me off my feet, I decide to pickup a new skill/hobby and focus on that as much as possible. I find it gives me something else to talk about when I'm with friends, instead of rehashing the "woe is me, life sucks" tale of the times. Because the experience is new, there are always things to look forward to. When my first serious relationship ended, I decided to become a racing fan and memorized all there was to know about various racing series. I've also become a gym nut, learned how to shave with a straight razor (and maintain them), become an expert at various video games, etc.

Unfortunately this past week I got into a stupid fight with a girl I'm in an "it's complicated" sort of relationship with. Or actually, she's angry at me and I don't think she should be. I've been using HN as a form of "diversionary therapy" the past several days :)

darkxanthos
Empathy/Pride swallowing helps too. Not saying you're wrong... just saying that in the end it doesn't really matter. You can still find a way to agree.

Good luck.

9oliYQjP
It does. I swallowed my pride and extended an olive branch before this issue began as I sensed something was wrong. She said everything was okay. Then the next week she phoned me at work, after I'd invited her out to a movie, and she unloaded on me. Apparently wanting to do stuff with her meant I was not respecting "boundaries" (FYI nothing shady going on like an affair or anything of the sort). Totally ruined the rest of my week. I suspect this is her way of pushing me away and telling me she doesn't want a relationship, but c'mon we're adults. Just come out and tell me.

If I were a couple of years younger, I'd have defended my position when she phoned. Instead, I bit my tongue, only replied with "okay" and decided to respect her wishes by cutting off contact for a while. We share a hobby so it'll be interesting to see if she shows up this week.

I've been really bummed out by the situation. I'm not old, but I'm too old for this sort of crap. I thought we had a good thing going, so much so that I didn't follow up on a few opportunities with a couple of other girls that I was attracted to who showed interest.

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kirubakaran
Thank you for asking this question, especially at this time. Responses of other people are a lot helpful for me as well.

Sharing how I deal with similar situations:

I go out and try to stay out as much as possible. Working in a coffee shop gives the illusion that you are not alone. I also cook elaborate dinner involving pasta, sit down with a glass of wine and watch a movie as a picker-upper. But of late I've been using this trick a lot and it has fast hit diminishing returns. Perhaps I should use exercise as a pick-me-up.

The problem with being down is, you will be even less inclined to do the things that are most likely to help you get better.

Sometimes I reread Jerome K. Jerome. Brings back childhood to some extent and some giggles. Douglas Adams too. Or I re-purpose librivox.org as my bed time story teller. Mostly I hang out here [HN]. Then I refresh my log... people using your app can cheer you up. Learning something new helps too.

HalcyonMuse
escapepod.org is another great "read-to-me" site. It's not full-length books; it's sci-fi short stories instead. In my opinion, it's much harder to write a good short story than a good novel.

EscapePod is also great for the commute to work, road trips across the country, and exercising (if you have a routine, anyway).

It rarely fails to keep my spirits up. (Even the sad stories are pretty cathartic.)

jherdman
Sometimes I arrange to have an outlet. During my last break up I called my mom a lot when I absolutely couldn't focus. I talked to her for 5 or so minutes on my break to vent a bit. I found that after a little bit of releasing the mental pressure I was able to focus again.

That said, when you go home, you need to get your shit together. Make lists of "need to do"s and "want to do"s, and tackle them. Keeping busy is the key. Before you know, you'll be back to your awesome self.

matthardcastle
I keep work and my personal life very much separate. Not just when I'm having a hard time in my personal life but also when it's going good. This lets work almost be a sanctuary. When I'm there nothing matter but getting the job done.

It's not easy, but if you are able to develop that separation you can almost shut off your personal problems at will.

wenbert
For me, I would run to friends and family. I am a Catholic (like most Filipinos are) so if all hell breaks loose, I pray. ;-)

My dad died a few years ago, right about the time I was starting to hack things myself. Personally, what got me through was friends, family and religion. Just sayin'...

danielrhodes
Having a routine/schedule/structure in your life should help with mitigating such issues. Obviously you're not going to be at 100%, but setting up your life so it isn't a house of cards is very important.
zimbabwe
I blogged. I had a pretty big readership (three hundred or so followers on Tumblr, not sure how many followed on RSS), and I wrote a lot about how I felt and what I was going through.

The conversations I had with my readers led to a lot of self-growth and peace. I grew up a lot writing about the experience. There were also some moments of personal vindication: After writing about a particularly assed argument with her re:music, I got a message from somebody who works on a major music site that vindicated my point of view a little. (I'll also say right now how astounded I am that the people I was reading stories about at fifteen I get to talk to and attend events with at eighteen.)

PStamatiou
I'm on tumblr too, hit me up (profile). :-)
gcv
Take up a (slightly) risky sport. I was getting into rock climbing a few years ago (gave up for logistical reasons), and I can just about guarantee that when you're on a route, with your forearms burning and no obvious next move, that your troubles fade into insignificance.
darkxanthos
Agreed on the rock climbing. It's a great hacker sport. Much more intellectual than I thought it would be.
rickdangerous1
Depending on the severity of what you're dealing with, work can be a refuge from life problems. It sure was for me when I was going through hell a couple of years ago. After I'd have a guts full of sitting around hospital waiting rooms feeling emo for a month, i just got to the point where i had to work. I sent an email to my colleagues saying "I'm coming to work tomorrow, don't talk to me about my stuff - i just need to work". And working was the only respite I could find.
erichsu
Work on computer problems to break out of melancholy. In my experience, many such issues have a specific solution arc. One tries different things to fix the issue and same error, same error, same error... then DIFFERENT error. Then suddenly it works.

Example. I was very depressed over a relationship ending, and had been for a few months. Then I was was trying to get a Linux server working and trying to get the Ethernet card recognized (this was 1999 so this was non-trivial) and failed, failed, failed... NEW failure, WORKING! Wow, that shock victory was enough to snap me out of the depression, where gradual victories had not.

Good luck though, and be sure to eat well and talk to others...