Work vs Life
The people I admire most in life (in random order): Tesla, Lance Armstrong, Steve Jobs, Larry Ellison, Jim Clark, Larry Bird, Michael Jordan, ... all seem to be people who:
() would rather die than fail () had tremendously successful careers (*) had numerous divorces (if they ever got married)
Given that that is the way I plan to live my life (I would rather achieve my dreams and meet random strangers than live with existing friends/family but let my dreams wither), how should I handle this current situation? (Both the girl & I are in our mid twenties).
On one hand, it seems almost wrong entering a relationship knowing that I will value my work more. On the other hand, there is always hope that all will turn out well.
Can HN'ers speak from experience? Those that pursued their dreams first + pursued family life later on / those that pursued family life first and somehow tried to balance it with pursuing their dreams?
Thanks!
33 comments
[ 3.2 ms ] story [ 39.4 ms ] threadLife is what happens while you're busy planning other things. Don't waste an opportunity.
Don't make the mistake of thinking that you can work hard at something you don't like and become a legend. Find what you love, what you don't mind working hard at. Do that. If you want your work to be separate from your life, expect cognitive dissonance.
My advice, from life experience: Try everything. Do what feels natural. Give the relationship a try; if it falls apart, then continue with your work. Not everybody succeeds young. Not every girlfriend turns into a wife.
The good news is, they love what they do.
Live your life, be honest with yourself and others, work hard, everything else will take care of itself.
Then again, many people who don't want fame become famous anyway. Fame is hard to avoid.
The ones who did, most likely didn't suffer, because they were so focused on their work, that they didn't even notice the opportunity.
On the other hand, meeting a girl you find attractive and worth spending time with is not something that happens often. As you're still in your mid-20s, you may think that you'll have plenty of chances to meet other good girls. But soon you'll wake up and you'll be 35... and you'll have a different perspective on life.
It doesn't have to be either work OR the girl. You can have both worlds. You'll just decide what the optimal allocation of time is. Of course, if the girl thinks you're allocating too much time to your work, you relationship might not last. If you have the opportunity to be with someone you like, go for it. A stable and healthy personal life is great for one's productivity, and you still have 50 years or so to become a mini-Tesla ;-)
PS: be careful when idolizing athletes. They are done by the time they're 30. Tesla had done great work by the time he was 30, but some of his best work was done later in his life.
I derive a tremendous amount of courage and strength from my wife, I wouldn't have been able to achieve what I have with out her.
"He met his wife in 1987 at a Microsoft press event in Manhattan. She was working for the company and later became one of the executives in charge of interactive content."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Survivorship_bias
I was totally honest with her. She knew from the beginning what I wanted and I let her decide what she wanted. She decided to stay and "tolerate" my startup mentality. I'm an entrepreneur. I have been since I was too young to work legally and I probably always will be.
She has stuck by my side for over three years now and I am going to marry her -- I hope. You can never predict the future, but through all this, I have fallen in love with her more than my startup and I want to be with her more than my startup and I will be.
I'm no expert in life, advice is all recycled life experiences and my life is different than your life. But really, think about it... a startup is just a peacock feather that will help you be happy with the woman you love and spread your genes and procreate. That's what life is about.
If you find the woman of your dreams, then a startup doesn't matter as much anymore. Your happiness is the goal. What makes you happy? Finding someone you can talk to and love and cherish and be with forever, or a startup you can flip?
Maybe it's the former, maybe it's the latter... you don't even know yet or you wouldn't be asking the question. Give it time, figure it out. Be honest with your partner. Don't expect to be steve jobs or lance armstrong... do you want testicular cancer? Probably not.
Just live life and try to be happy and treat people with respect and honesty and let them decide what they want. If she wants to be with you while you focus on entrepreneural persuits, then that is what she has decided and then she is the one you want to keep around.
If she says, "No, I want you to focus on me and not your company." Then maybe you should let her go if that's what you prefer.
You mention that your potential mate is "really attractive". If that's her main asset, then you may end up with someone who expects you to compromise your own goals, etc.
It really depends on how you look at love. Some people look at it as though the most loving thing you can do is sacrifice yourself and your own dreams, while others view the highest/best thing you can do to be simply following your own dreams.
In my opinion, both people should follow their own dreams independently, and discuss them occasionally over dinner, etc.
I didn't put either first or second. I worked my tail off on my professional career and didn't end up meeting the right girl until fairly late on, but when I did I knew it and I didn't hesitate to marry her and keep my work in perspective. But had I met her ten years earlier I would have married her then too, and don't think I would have achieved anything less professionally.
You never know what you are going to get. I think I agree you are putting the cart before the horse and over analyzing the situation.
Just go with the flow. Things may or may not work out but if you over think things, you may never find out.
1. Building a startup and not falling in love. 2. Falling in love and screwing up a startup.
Though both don't have to be exclusive, I bet 2. is a better choice. Also you have your whole life for startups, wheras falling in love would be constrained to a short number of years.
I think go with the girl and figure the startup thing along.
When I was presented with the same opportunity, I dated the girl, proposed to her 5 months later. We have been married for over three years and I haven't regretted it.
In fact, she had many very successful people in her circle of friends who have since given me great advice and support that I would have missed out on if I had gone for what appeared (at the time) the fast track.
As Vaksel points out "Life is what happens while you are busy with other things". Just go with whatever is the strongest pull at each decision point. Good Luck !