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Ask HN: New parent or CTO at startup? Can I do both?

6 points by seeksadvice ↗ HN
I've been running engineering at a startup for the last year and a half or so. We're getting some traction and things are going in a positive direction. My wife and I are expecting our first child very soon and the pregnancy has been anything but smooth. I've been a wreck the past month or so and my productivity at work has suffered significantly. I've been able to keep the cracks from showing for the time being, but it's now apparent to me that when the baby comes, I will not be able to work at anywhere near the same capacity I was able to initially. I want to be there for my wife and for my new son. The startup will be far from the front of my mind.

In other words, since I don't think I'll be able to give what is necessary for the business to thrive, I see stepping down as a necessary step for the good of the company. On the other hand, there's a small voice in the back of my head telling me to suck it up and just go for it.

I also have a buddy who has promised me a job if I ever decided to go the more corporate route, which given my current situation is looking more and more attractive.

So, HNers who have been a co-founder at a startup during the birth of their first child--what would you do in my situation?

16 comments

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sharemywin
So, what do your co-founders think? Are they trying to create a culture of workaholics only? If your planning on hiring people over 30 or women your company is going to have to deal with it sooner or later.
seeksadvice
I haven't started this discussion with them yet. I'm trying to figure out what my position is before I bring it to the CEO. We have employees with children, so that's not the issue. It's more about me essentially turning it into a 9 to 5 instead of an "eat, sleep, and breathe" situation. I guess since this is my first rodeo, I want to make sure I can give as much as possible to my new family.
conorh
My first child arrived around the time the original founder of boxcar.io invited me on to be CTO. In my case my wife also had to go back to work (surgery resident at the time) less than three weeks after the kid was born. We made it work, but it was tough on everyone involved. In general it very much depends on your individual situation and how much outside help you can expect/afford, and also how understanding your wife is and what her situation is. We moved my mother in law into our two bedroom apartment and made that work, not sure I would recommend that, but it was pretty much the only reason I was able to do the work I was doing. Even then I was forced to change my work habits greatly - I needed to become much much more productive with the time I had, whether it was at work or with my family. Feel free to contact me directly if you want, contact info in my profile.
seeksadvice
We won't have that kind of outside help available, but we are planning on having my wife stay home with the baby.

When you were home from work having family time, did you interrupt it to answer emails or address work emergencies? I'm pretty much always on call, which I think is something I'll have to change.

conorh
Will she be able to get any help (a babysitter even for a few hours every few days to start with), or do you have family close by that can help that way? In my experience those sorts of breaks are very important to keeping your sanity.

There would be emergencies, although not often, and yes I would always answer them if I had to. Getting on a call is sometimes not possible when you have the kid so I used chat/IM more. My wife was very understanding this, mostly because she was not around much of the time as she was working very long hours! Jonathan the founder was also very understanding (really good guy) and if I really could not be available I would make sure the others knew. I also became very good at multi-tasking - feeding the baby while debugging server issues? No problem! ;)

Would I do it this way again? I'm not sure, it was tough, but the company was a very good experience, and I don't think that I missed out on anything with my child, or that I was a terrible parent.

seeksadvice
so are you no longer at the company? sounds like you had a fantastic support network.
conorh
Yes, I'm no longer at the company, this was 3.5 years ago and the company has since sold. I have my own little consulting company now (and a second child :).
avenger123
The fact that your wife is staying home with the baby is going to make everything really much easier and doable. There is no need to change roles or slow down per se.

Babies just want to sleep, poop and cry for the most part in the first few months. It's around months 8+ that things start getting interesting. Typically, most of the work is going to be done by your wife regardless of how much you want to be involved.

Whatever you can do to help your wife then that's what you should do. So do the extra chores around the house, pick up the grocery shopping. Schedule time for her to go have some "me" time doing something (if she needs it - some mothers will want to be with their baby no matter what). Pay for house cleaning or add another shift to it.

In your case, sleep is going to be important. Expect to wake up 3-4 times a night for a while. If you snore, save your wife the hassle of you and the baby and sleep in the basement or another room some nights of the week. For your own sanity, you may also want to do this.

It might make sense to start bringing work home and do it at night if you want to spend more time at home. You need to be home early evening to provide help and support but it doesn't mean you can't do work after the baby is put to bed.

Also, you'll have a bunch of appointments that you'll need to go to during the day. These are spaced out and are check ups.

Overall, if you are a workaholic and work at all hours, that's going to have to change because the baby will dictate your schedule to some degree. In terms of spending time with the baby it becomes more relevant when they start to crawl and get into the toddler years.

Changing jobs is a bit drastic with one baby and when the wife is going to be home.

wilsonfiifi
Rather than stepping down, is it possible to hire help to take over some of your duties? If you've invested time and effort in your startup you should probably not just quit.
seeksadvice
unfortunately, hiring more engineers isn't possible.

quitting isn't the option that's best for me--i'm more wondering if it's best for the company. i'm more concerned about occupying an important slot on the roster, but not appropriately pulling my weight.

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johnsonmkj
I started a job at a startup a few months before my daughter was born, and it was not easy. One thing to consider is the goodwill you've built up at the current company. They are more likely to understand you being less plugged in for the first month or so after the baby is born.

One thing: When you are at home, don't expect to accomplish ANYTHING for a while. Your job is to make sure your wife has everything she needs, because she will be on the strictest schedule imaginable feeding the baby. It is tough for the first two months, and then you start to get pockets of time back to focus.

esw
You're legally entitled to up to 12 weeks of unpaid leave through the FMLA. I'd take some. Maybe you can work out an arrangement where you spend an hour or two a day (or night) staying on top of issues and email.

The first month is insane, but you'll eventually nail down a routine. You'll make it work, whatever you choose. Just know that it's going to be nuts no matter how carefully you plan.

jmathai
My advice is to really take a look at your priorities. Priorities for yourself, your family and the company.

It's entirely possible to have a period of time where you've got other responsibilities taking you away from work. Yes, even as a co-founder. Can your team handle that? Can your relationships with your co-founders handle that?

I'm a family guy. I'm home by 5:15pm every day to help my wife who stays at home with our 2 kids and spend a few precious hours with the kiddos before they go to bed.

It hasn't been a terrible blow to my start-up.

phugoid
I had a rough experience as a one-man-show founder of a failed startup. At the time I had two young ones aged 2 and 5.

It's not just a matter of finding the hours to put into the two roles. Fatherhood is spiritually and emotionally demanding. It doesn't come naturally to all of us. I don't think Superman could work full-throttle at a challenging startup and then have much left to give when he gets home.

troels
As others have said already, switching jobs (even to a more cozy/corporate position) is demanding in itself. So it may well be harder on you than just staying in your current role. You also have to consider that if you step down, the company will have to replace you, and that may not be that easy. Maybe the company is actually better off keeping you at low intensity (for a while), rather than replacing you.

That all said, yes of course it's doable - But it takes compromises on all sides. I had my first child three years ago and I accepted a position as CTO in a VC-backed startup at the same time (I started 14 days after he was born). That was pretty tough, but it worked out. I could not have done it without family support, my wife in particular who stayed at home for a while, and with a good understanding from the investors (I knew some of them from previous work, so I assume they were confident that I was right for the job). Whatever you do, make sure you align expectations with your co-founders and with your wife.

Good luck with it all.